Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

It all depends how they behave when the OP says 'No' and how they behave when they have the kids in their care.

My inlaws want our kids constantly but they're not nice if we say no-politely and for good reason such as busy that weekend. They change the plans when they have them just to make sure we know that when they have them they're in control. They will change the place they're taking them to without letting us know, invited others without telling us and not answer phone calls or text messages. And I don't mean OTT level of messages. I mean if they have them for the weekend one of us might text in the morning to see if they slept well...it will be read and ignored. They wont let us join them for days out but will get their other child to come along with her kids and call it a 'lovely family day'.

OP indicated that they're difficult if they dont get their own way. Its very hard to hand your children over in these situations.

I think it sounds fine. Think of it this way, your children will enjoy the experience TWICE, once when they go there and the second time when they come home and tell you all about it.

I will never forget the experience of taking them to their first visit to things like Lion King, or Disney, or yes even London Zoo. We had to budget carefully at the time.

Its quite normal for you to want to do these things with them.

It sounds like your SIL/DB are taking over a bit and being quite insensitive.
An outing or two is great and appreciated but taking over and excluding you is not on.

If they can't listen to you either, pr just dismiss you, that's a problem.

This!

Yes, that vibe is very strong in some of the posts here. Also more than one person saying aunt and uncle shouldn’t get to “borrow” OP’s children, which is such a bizarre phrase to use about living beings. It’s all grim, children aren’t possessions.

for things like the trip to the zoo, if it was that important for you to do it why haven’t you? For the really expensive stuff, I’d personally be extremely grateful I had family members who were interested enough and generous enough to offer my kids experiences like this. I can also see why they might want to spend time on their own with the kids for some of these experiences, it’s really nice they’re developing their own relationships with them. I bet they find it really frustrating that you’re always standing in the way of them doing nice things with the kids, or constantly trying to invite yourself along!

@MancLass76

When you ask your SIL to let you “tag along” on the “cheaper” outings with your DC, do you offer to pay your own way, or are you expecting SIL to pay your way on those experiences as well?

Some people saying the aunt and uncle are treating the kids like dolls when it's clear that's how some of these mum's are seeing their kids - "oh no, they're MINE. You can't play with them"

Yabu. Things like the zoo if it was that important to you surely wouldn't have waited until your child is 11?

Also you state that you cant afford some of the things they are being offered so why are you refusing to allow your kids to experience it just because you can't?

I would love this! I’m not sure why you feel so insecure about it? You’re still the parent, you’re still the one that feels like home! Let them go and come home excited to tell you all about it. Enjoy the child free time and the money saved!

YABU

What a shame for the kids

I'd give my right arm for relatives like this, even just from a spending time with them point of view

I was going to say let them take them out for day trips etc… BUT why aren’t they allowing you to tag along to some of the things? Them buying your child an experience shouldn’t come with the condition that she has to do it with you… for example I bought my niece and nephew cinema tickets for Christmas …. It was a family ticket so my brother and SIL could also go… I wouldn’t dream of booking to take them myself and refusing the parents attendance if they wanted to!…

I think this is about balance. They can take the children to some events but not others… but ultimately they’re your kids and you need to set the boundaries and not be bullied into allowing more than you’re happy with…

If my siblings wanted to take my DD to something I could never afford I’d let her go though, I’d want her to experience things I couldn’t give her, and I’d ask her to take lots of pictures and enjoy her telling me about what a fabulous time she had x

Good luck

Absolutely, I’ve ensured I’m in a good financial position to do this for myself and my son - thank you 💜

100% this….. you’ve all made different life choices , let the kids enjoy a relationship with there aunt and uncle…..too many families don’t care a jot so enjoy the fact that your brother and SIL care enough to want to spend money on them nd you can enjoy some downtime…..win win ! Xxx

I hope you’re getting to do lots of amazing things now @MyHeartyCoralSnail!

I'd cry with joy if family members wanted to take out my children, spend time with them and do lovely things like this!

Maybe it might be too much if they wanted to take them out every week or whatever, but a few times a year? I'd be packing their bags and wishing them a fabulous time.

Kids should get as many good experiences as they can, it opens their eyes to what is possible, I wasted many adult years simply because I wasn’t aware of things you could do and how to do them. You are lucky your kids are getting these opportunities

Let them have fun. They're only children once.

I get where you are coming from too. Money and experiences are a very strong negotiation tool. They can also be swaying in a relationship. Get the balance right. Allow your kids to go but not on multiples of occasions as your less monetary input will have less sway with your children as they grow up. You are the parent and the responsibility stops with you. Occasional events like this are great fun for kids with Aunt and uncle but relentless frequentcy could undermine your boundaries.

I’m aware of a current trend of some parents saying they won’t let children go on trips as they’ll miss them. I’ve personally witnessed a parent repeatedly messaging child on a trip saying mummy misses you (yes there were tears). This seems like same sort of thing parent looking at it wholly from parents point of view and parent unable to see child as a separate entity and what’s in best interests of child.

It can be a very good thing to spend time & build connections with other adults growing up. Its good to be broad minded, see other perspectives etc particularly if your parents are very narrow minded.

"Want to be Disney parents...."

Sounds like the perfect Uncle & Auntie! The point is they are not the kids parents - to use a term usually reserved for a parent who doesn't live with them and fails to pull their weight in other aspects of parenting is totally bizarre!

This. I can't understand why you wouldn't let your children do something nice with relatives.

I hope this is sarcastic! Aunties and Uncles do get to spoil.. thats the whole point!

You should be invited too. I mean seriously, what do they want to do to your kids that you can't be there to see? Are they Geoffry Epstein?

Who is Geoffry?