Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

Think it's about balance. Some things might be all right. But it's perfectly reasonable that you want to be involved in some experiences . And tbh I think it's a bit insensitive of them if they want to giv e the kids all these experiences without you being involved at all. Relationships are as important within families as experiences. Definitely a bit of Disney going on.

You sound really resentful of them not doing what you think they should be doing. But the parenting stuff is yours to do.

They're not playing Disney parents. They don't have parental responsibility they're trying to evade. They just want to give the kids a good time and some really nice memories outside of what they're getting from you.

Absolute rubbish. Some people are happily child free but love their nieces and nephews and want to do nice things with them!

They aren't Disney parents because they don't have any responsibility for your children or doing any day to day parenting.

My siblings buy nice presents for my kids, they might take them out when they are older but I'd never expect them to go to a football match/ some random play they are in. Those things just aren't interesting to anyone but parents or grandparents tbh! Especially if they've chosen not to have kids- why should they do anything but the fun bits?!

Female point of view: no woman lives out her “maternal fantasies” (WTF?) through someone else’s kids

Male point of view but I'd feel a bit uncomfortable as she appears to be vicariously living her maternal fantasies through you.

I think I’d just be grateful that my children were being given the experience. What bothers you about it? Your children love you and you are their mum, they won’t like your sister in law more just because she buys them things.

YABU. You'd rather your kids didn't do some amazing things just because you won't be there? To be honest, you sound jealous. Let them go and take advantage of the opportunities.

My sister and bil are similar and have had some wonderful 'firsts' with dd. They don't want the drudgery of parenting but love to spoil her. I think it's wonderful she knows she's adored by her family and they have a unique bond with her. I'm her mum and that will never be spoilt by her being close and having fun with other people. She's her own unique person and deserves the chance to take every opportunity offered to her.

I get you, @MancLass76
You have to lay it out.
"A lot of your offers are amazing, but dc also haven't done that yet and we want those first experiences to be as a family. They grow so fast and those moments are precious to us."
Your db and sil don't have kids, so wouldn't know that.
Make a suggestion for what to do instead. It sounds like you are lucky because they obv want to be the fun aunt/uncle. 💛

It takes a village to raise a child. Be grateful for the village you have OP. Let them go on the trips.
I am sure you do things with your children and have a bond with them that is unique because they are yours.
I don't think you have anything to fear by letting them benefit from time with aunty and uncle 🌻❤️

This is exactly the relationship my sister and I had with our Uncle & Aunty and I loved it! It’s also the same relationship my son has with my sister and I love her for that. I know my son loves me and his dad more than anything. Nothing can replace it. Our experiences with our Uncle were just a bonus bolt on top of an already fabulous childhood.

You should be thankful you have relatives who want to spend their precious time and money on your kids. I personally couldn’t be arsed with my siblings kids as they are as dull and brattish as their parents. My in laws kids however were always good fun when they were young and we have had lots of fab times together. Still, like others have pointed out, you wont say no thanks if they leave your kids money in their will or pay for uni etc.

I think op you are making this about you rather than your kids. You feel jealous/insecure/resentful/bitter etc and because of that your children miss out.

It’s not about you, if they want to spoil your children then all you need to say is thank you.

No one replaces mum and dad, OP. No one!

I grew up with a very rich, single, childless godmother, she spoilt me and my sister rotten. God I used to love her visits!!! She bought wonderful, thoughtful presents we wouldn’t have ever had otherwise. She took us to really fun events, took us to the cinema loads. She took us both to nice restaurants and paid for the lot when we turned 21! We adored her, I still miss her deeply.

But she was not my mum! I never once felt mum wasn’t good enough because she couldn’t afford these gifts or trips, ever. Mum came along to some (they were lifelong best friends) but others she just happily waved us off. I’d be so excited to get home and tell her about our days.

If the relationships are otherwise happy, I’d try and find a nice middle ground here and be happy they’re willing to do so much with them!

I get what you are saying. There was a similar situation in my extended family.

Childless aunt and uncle constantly wanting to do exciting and "cool" things with their niece, but not interested in going to see niece in school production etc. Generally the parents agreed to most of it as they couldn't have afforded it, and didn't want to deny the experience, but they weren't always happy about it.

However, as the niece got older (now 18) she started to notice that they weren't actually interested in her and what she wanted to do, it was all about them, where they wanted to take her, and their generosity. Style over substance. So after a few years the niece was the one saying "no thank you".

If you’ve not gone to the zoo that is special for several generations of your family by the time your eldest is 11 I’m going to say you aren’t going so just let them take the kids?!

I imagine @MancLass76 much of this stems from wishing you were in a position to do these things? If you can admit this to yourself, then that's 90% of the battle. Depersonalise it. Would you want your DC to only have your level of education or be happy for them to achieve more? Would you only want them to go on the types of holidays you've been on? Or is the world their oyster? When you are grandparents, would you like nice experiences with your grandchildren? How would you feel if your DIL/SIL said no out of jealousy?

This isn't about you.
This isn't about them being better than you. They aren't.
This is about your lovely DC having time with what are clearly a doting aunt and uncle.
Don't begrudge them that. If you do you are setting yourself up to be resented...

Text back yes. Ask them to send a video/photos. Thank them for how much they care for your children.

My richer aunty used to do stuff like this with me. Did I feel I missed out with my parents - no. I did lovely things with them too. At the time I didn’t realise it was anything to do with money, just that I had lots of people doing lovely things with me

If someone offered to take my DC on that kind of experience I'd welcome it with open arms. They are your children, so it's up to you, but denying them things just because you can't go sounds supremely self-centred.

Absolutely, couldn't agree more.

Jeez just let the kids have some fun! Perhaps the experiences you plan to do, ask them not to- like the zoo. But everything else should be fine and just enjoy some child free time

I've read your update. It reads as though they don’t want to be involved much in day to day but would like to treat kids to a few expensive trips. How do kids feel? If they are happy spending time with uncle and auntie I’d let them go.
It’s not a competition it’s just different. So eg you take your son to football and watch him week in and week out in all weathers. Fun uncle takes him to big stadium to watch his favourite premier league team once a year. Both have a place in life, one isn’t better than other.
As for Christmas a trip not present might save the top trumping via presents.

I don’t think YABU and I think some of these replies are pretty unfair. They can spend time with your kids without going OTT and splashing all this cash. Do they ever offer to do regular things with your kids - take them to the pictures or the beach or is it all extravagant stuff? I

Seems a bit vulgar and rubbing your nose in it somewhat when they know you can’t afford it. It risks your kids being dissatisfied with activities your family CAN afford as nothing will ever compare to their extravagant treats. How is your relationship with DB and SIL generally?

Disney parents is a great way to describe it. I would tell them that’s how it feels. Compare it to Disney dads where the mum does all the graft.

I don’t think you’re being selfish at all, you can’t let people buy your child’s love. Children don’t understand that. It’s unhealthy for your immediate family dynamics to just let this carry on out of guilt.