Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

Lucky kids. I kind of understand your reservations because kids don't really understand things like differences in income until much older. So they can't tell what is optional and what is a choice enforced by affordability.

Having said that, id be pushed to say no to my kids being treated by someone else, unless I didn't like that person.

Let your kids have fun going out and about…! Why would you deny them? Let them treat your kids and give them an amazing time. I had godparents like this and it was amazing. I didn’t love my own parents any less and was able to really enjoy my downtime at home with my parents.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to want to see your children enjoying amazing experiences that you can’t afford. I think it’s a bit out of order that your brother and SIL use their money like this. It’s not about treating the kids - it’s like using their money to best you somehow, if you’re not allowed to go along.

I grew up very much not wealthy but had a rich childless couple (who I loved and love still) who spent a lot of money on my siblings and I and they were always really careful to ‘treat us’ in ways that included our whole family rather than trying to take us away from our parents.

it’s one thing to do a one off treat but you mentioned a whole array of things. Firsts are special - like going to see a show in London.

pp suggested talking to your SIL about it and I do think that’s a good idea. A nice outcome would be that they can take your kids out to special things without you feeling crap about it. And of course that your kids could get to have these amazing experiences which you obviously want for them, just not at the cost of you feeling excluded because you can’t afford it.

I totally get this. We have it with the inlaws. I want to do absolutely everything with them. However, I try and meet in the middle. For example if they want to go to a show. It's not their first show ever. There are thousands of shows. They are good experiences for them, and I cant afford more. I should let them have the benefit and enjoyment of going. But I do say no to Santa - it's see him once a year to maximise the magic etc and that once a year is with us. No to Disney - that's are special place as a family. No to firsts if they are significant (first trip to the beach, concert, panto etc).

Mum literally cries if I say we can, but only if I come along too as its their first time / really busy city etc. Says I'm stealing her grandchildren. It's ridiculous. Then I just say no then and she gets mad.

Yes you are being unfair to your kids. Let them do these amazing things. They will still love you more !

I’ve always been that auntie. Now I have my own kids so it’s harder for me to take 4 but we still do stuff together but my brother or SIL never get involved. My brother has always worked weekends so SIL at home with the kids. I took the kids to all of the cool places locally and Lego land etc but also the free stuff like the beach or playground. I had them once in a while so wanted to do something special. always offered to take the SIL but she never wanted to join us. Sometimes she was making up some poor excuses not to let me take the kids but generally she was mostly accommodating even though we don’t have a close relationship.
You build a relationship on another level with nieces/nephews/grandchildren when you spend time with them without the parents being involved. They often tell me how much they love me and come for a cuddle when their parents aren’t around but never in front of their parents.

Why on earth would you not be grateful that your children are having experiences that you obviously can’t provide?

you sound jealous of your own children.

very unreasonable, you need to give your head a shake.

YABU. Different if you had planned to save for a holiday and they swooped in and said they’d take the kids instead. You’re saying you don’t think you could ever afford these experiences though. Let them get some lovely experiences and don’t deprive your children because of your own ego and nose being put out of joint. You sound very selfish.

My brother and his partner are infinitely wealthier than we are. They offer DS lots of experiences eg skiing holidays etc. I say yes. It will allow him to be a more rounded and experienced person. My job is to make him independent and capable as a person. This helps achieve this aim.

I think you're being selfish.

Children are not property. The aunt and the uncle want to spend time with them and give them fun experiences, not "borrow" them.

You need to stop thinking of your needs and think instead of your children's. It's great they are getting these experiences.

I'm an aunt who did and does lots of stuff with my nieces and nephews without their mum & dad in tow - I didn’t want their parents along as it’s a completely different vibe … nothing weird about it at all … enjoy time without your kids. Plus it also teaches them to be independent of their parents, learn and see the world from a different perspective… it’s not a competition you are their parents and they know that … you can’t share every experience in their lives as unless you home school they are doing new things without you every week…

This is selfish. Save up and do these things with your children instead. But you saying no this is selfish. Whan are you going to do these things with your children? They might be too old to want to do something's in a few years.

@latetothefisting
'Witnessing their joy' is all about her and how she feels, not the DC. She hasn't suggested their joy would be heightened by their entire family watching them go on a race car experience, because, being honestly it probably wouldn't.

This is such a good point. OP is restricting her children from joyful experiences, to prioritise her own feelings.

I don't say this to be horrible OP, just when you put it that way, there's only one answer - let them go!

Yes you’re being incredibly selfish and childish. Your poor kids.

I would want to do all these things with my child but luckily i can afford it. If money is no object to the relatives, cant they include ypu? Perhaps you buy your own theeatre ticket and let them pay for kids

I would love this!

Haven’t read the whole thread sorry but I can see it from both points of view. I was the fun auntie, very close to all 13 (yep 13) of my nieces and nephews and did all sorts for them. I was single and had money to burn so why not, I love those kids…. But since having my own children, I can’t believe what my siblings and their husbands/wives let me do with the kids! Maybe it’s because I’m an older mum, I don’t know but I am so protective over so many memories with my kids, and firsts! I get it but on the other hand I’m extremely grateful I had those amazing times with my nieces and nephews too. I think you need to try to find your line of what you can and can’t cope with and stick with it xx

Half the parents in the country are complaining we no longer have a "village" to help us raise our children, and then here's you, with some lovely relatives, who are enthusiastically trying to build a relationship with your kids, give them experiences they couldn't otherwise have, and give you some free time, and you're snubbing them because you want to witness every moment of their lives??!

My aunts and uncles and grandparents took us on some fantastic and memorable days out as kids, that I still remember today, that my parents weren't there for. Isn't that what family's about? You've got the family so many of us wish we had for our kids. Let them enjoy themselves!

FFS! They’ve got a rich relative who wants to treat them, and you’re going to deny them this because of your jealousy?

So your children are 7 and 11 and still not been to the favourite family zoo.... basically your not going to do it before they are too old to enjoy the magic the family remembers....your denying them for your own feelings not their benefit.
Aunts and uncles will never take your place but your children won't have experiences they could have and will get to hear as they grow older that you kept saying no.
As a childminder I've had many parents so no to trips because they wanted to be the ones to do the firsts....and years later they never went until school took them.

Yes, awful. I actually can’t believe you’d deny them an experience you know you will be unable to provide. My DD has been to several places with her aunt that she would otherwise have not experienced. Have a word with yourself.

Well I understand how you feel. They didn't want kids but now want to borrow yours when it suits them.

This. You are holding them back by being jealous of their experiences.