Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

Things that they would never do or experience, YABVVVU.

Things that are doable, but they might have to wait a while/need planning first, they’re ok to wait and then go with the inlaws, especially if firsts.

My sister and I had children at totally different times. When I looked after my nephew, I was childless with plenty of disposable income and would take him to things she couldn’t afford at that time. He had a great time and we have a brilliant relationship. Now the shoe is on the other foot, she is the fun Aunt and does the same with my daughter. This is about allowing your children to build relationships outside of you. They already experience things you don’t, why is it only these ones you want to stop?

wow mean! just let them go! why are you going to stop them getting to do fun things

Let them pay and do the big expensive things and say no to the things you can afford to do yourself. But make sure you do them. Don't deny your children the stuff you can't afford just because you're jealous/feel guilty/(insert other emotion here).

Be glad your kids GET these experiences. Many kids will never have those opportunities.

And for the stuff that you CAN tag along on, tell your SIL that it's not debatable. Either you go too or your child can't do it. So the dates she picks need to work for you, too.

We were pretty broke when I was growing up, so most of the expensive things came from outside the family. Thay said, I remember the experiences more than the people who took me, so I wouldn't waste too much jealousy on your kids making memories with other people.

Also, kids have no real idea about whether a trip cost £50 or £1000, so that won't affect how much they enjoy it.

I wonder what would happen if you spoke to SIL and said you were grateful that they were doing things with your kids, but some activities are sacrosanct. SIL must ask you first, and you'll sometimes say no. And if you can attend at no extra cost, you'd appreciate tagging along.

You could even tell your SIL that it feels like they're using your kids as props for their holidays, and ask them to be mindful of the effect of this?

😂😂

I absolutely love it when my SIL and my DB (they are not together!) take my children out for day trips or holidays. They have done some fab things with them. Been to destinations I have not been to... I think it's good for them to have experiences outside of the family home. Means then I can enjoy experiences / trips without feeling like they have to be brought along too!

I think it’s lovely that your childless brother and SIL want to treat your kids and give them lovely experiences. As a godparent I have done similar things (on a smaller scale) with my godchildren and their parents have never expected to come along - the whole point is for the children to develop independent relationships with the other adults in their lives. At the ages your kids are at, this is perfect.

I think it would be grabby/entitled to expect yourself to be paid for as well by your brother and SIL and very mean spirited to deny your kids the experiences and the opportunity to develop their relationships with their uncle and aunt.

I get the problem OP.

That’s why I never let my children do anything fun with relatives. And I impose a strict list of limits on all activities.

No trips anywhere except to the library.

Jokes and games are banned, completely.

No presents for birthdays or Christmas except book tokens (I buy the books and make sure they’re really dull).

No paddling pools or sprinkler toys in the summer. No hot chocolate in the winter.

If they’re eating round a relative’s house they must be given only specified foods: pasta (no sauces), eggs (hard boiled only), bread (white, no butter) and no desserts. One biscuit per visit and must be a plain digestive - absolutely no Jaffa Cakes since the infamous Jaffa Cake enjoyment weekend of a couple of years ago.

Like you I do not want happy memories for my children that don’t include me.

That's the right approach. Like my ex MIL took my son to a show every year when he was little. It was their thing.

Pick a regular time and have the annual or twice yearly aunt and uncle trip and this will be a lovely thing. Not just every month them taking your kids out when you can't afford something as flashy.

How lucky for the children to have so many people who want to give them a fantastic childhood! Let them go and enjoy it

I think you are being unfair to your children and pretty selfish. Why on earth would you NOT want your children to have fun days out and experience different things

It's understandable if these are 'firsts' you want your children to experience with you. But unfair to deny your children some great days out with their aunties and uncles just cos you want to say no.

My sister sounds very much like your SIL. Our son has many of experiences with us but also many many experiences with her and I would be selfish if I was to deny him those experiences and so I never would.

Really unreasonable, sorry, and things your kids might resent you for when they’re older. If a rich uncle/aunt had wanted to take me to a safari lodge and it was vetoed, it’s not something I’d forget in a hurry. I think you need to examine your feelings around this, seems there may be some jealousy and insecurity at play.

I’m really glad my mum and dad let my rich aunty and uncle take us cool places. I get that you don’t want to miss out, but you’re making your kids miss out.

You even admit that you are being selfish to some degree.

Really, you are. Saying yes to these things would bring happiness to several people you are close to including your own children.

You’re making it about you and not about your children. Who cares if they are “Disney”. Isn’t that the job of extended family? They’re there for fun, not the mundane day to day of parenting. It’s wonderful for your children to have these relationships!

I think its wrong and selfish of them not to allow you to watch, but if you're happy with the care your children are getting and they're enjoying it, in your shoes I'd be putting my self sacrificing mum pants on, and accepting that me missing out was the price for my children having these experiences. There's no way I'd want to deny my DC these things because of my own disappointment not to be the one experiencing them with them, so I'd try to take my joy from my children's happiness. Also remember, occasional big budget treats don't define a childhood. It's the day to day life together that matters. Just think of these treats as the icing on the cake of the childhood you're providing and it's the quality of the cake that matters most.

Would you not think about what's best for your kids rather than what's best for you? Surely they went to the zoo for the first time a long time ago if they are now 11 and 7. This is all very, very bizarre, as is saying you have a favourite zoo for 2 generations - it's basically just where your parents took you.

Why haven’t you taken them to the Zoo? It sounds like it has a lot of importance to you.

I think you know deep down that yabu. You're making what would be wonderful experiences for your children about you.

I think yabu. Children have lots of experiences without parents it’s good for them to experience a wide range of things. School trips, guides/scouts holidays, trips with friends or family.
As long as you trust them to keep dc’s safe and the activities are age appropriate it’s a nice thing. An auntie taking a niece to ballet each Christmas or to a zoo is a nice memory for the children.

I think it's selfish of you to be honest. I'm happy for my children when they get to do stuff without me. I find it very weird that you feel the need to be there- fomo or main character syndrome? Love your children more than your ego.

It actually sounds like there are that many of these outings that you are negotiating time and fun with your own kids with your SIL!

It's boundaries /respect isn't it? It's like when you divorce and the other parent is part time Disney parent but the one doing the daily grind and more normal things feels crap and that their normal family life is being impacted by the contrast.

I think some of these things might be nice but they should always ask you first before booking and I think it should be maybe one thing per year without you if it's a big thing.

You're the parent. You get to decide.