Saying no to my children having experiences without us?

The idea of them being able to build such a precious relationship with their aunt and uncle would mean so much to me, knowing that they had other adults in their life to turn to as they grow if they feel unable to talk to me for whatever reason, or heaven forbid I drop dead... I would bite their hands off, gratefully.

YABVU.

You can build precious memories with them without spending a penny. Not all experiences are splashy. Let them splash, focus your energy on the experiences you CAN give them (time and presence are priceless after all), and let it go.

Sorry, what? You're denying your children these nice experiences because you want to be there? It's not about you though is it?

Are you reacting to some underlying undermining you or hostilty to you OP?

I have some family who can be very negative towards me - to point one wanted to be called mama - and even now thinks people mistake her as the kids mothers and the boundary pushing and undermining been ongoing annoyance.

However the kids have benefited by having them in their lives and doing things with them. They know I'm their Mum - and DH I have over years doing that dreaded thing of putting "boundaries" in - so what we say went - less so now they are reaching adulthood obviously. I have at times had to grit my teeth - or find ways to politely push back and accept they will have relationship and feeling with these family members that are different to ones I have.

Omg you're being an absolute spoil sport!!!!

Let your kids go and have fun fgs

Yes that's such a good point. I had a close relationship with my N&N when they were little (although I was less well off then but still took them places like museums, aquarium, bowling). Then had a good job when they were late teens so bought them really good computers when they started uni. Now they're in 20s I've helped them with rent deposits and will give them some money each for house deposits. If their parents ever thought this was weird or stopped me, the kids would be the main ones to lose out! I'd be sad but I have friends' kids who'd prob appreciate the cash instead!

Isn't being a good parent about putting your own needs/wants to one side so your kids have the best possible life? Let your kids enjoy the opportunities their aunt and uncle can offer them and enjoy the time it gives you.

You can't be there for all of your children's firsts op and if the local zoo was so important to you I can't really understand why you haven't been already. That said, your brother and sil are being a bit weird with the gatekeepers, wanting to go and watch something like a race day is totally normal and they are being weirdly possessive.

No to anything you really wanted to do with them like the zoo, and yes to West end shows and safari lodges. Enjoy the childfree time!

So you can’t give your children those experiences so no one else can?

How bloody selfish of you.

Reminds me slightly of my SIL (married to DHs brother) who used politely decline us asking if we could take DNiece to the pictures or theatre when she was younger for her birthday or with us to celebrate DDs birthday. No actual reason just “We aren’t comfortable her going without us “. Like 20 minutes down the road !
She also once told me flat out that other than her, DB in law and her own mum she wouldn’t allow her kids to be passengers in anyone else’s car, not even her husbands parents as she didn’t trust others driving. Clearly something changed as they all now get buses to school but a very, weird and unhealthy power dynamic was clearly going on.

I'm sorry you weren't shown love and generosity to as a child.

YABU OP.

Gosh OP, I don't agree with these responses at all. Totally understand where you're coming from especially if they won't let you be there. I would say if there are things you will never be able to afford maybe let them do those but if they're things you'll get to do with them in the future I would absolutely want to do that too.

Dear god. This has nothing to do with Disney parenting. It's an aunt and uncle wanting to spend time with and treat their nieces/nephews.

OP, you need to look at why you have reacted so negatively to this. It's so important for children to have relationships and positive experiences with people outside of their immediate family. Expensive treats are not required, but equally, are not a reason to reject these offers.

I think YABU.
My uncle and his wife are childless and are taking my eldest on a trip to Paris this summer.
Which is something I could never afford to do with him. Nor would I have the time as I have much younger children to care for.
I'm so grateful to my uncle for giving my son this experience. He will learn so much from it and is so excited.
He regularly goes to stay with them in the summer (my father is dead so my uncle has been a grandad figure to my children)
And they take him all over. He always has such incredible experiences i could never give him.
Surely that's what you want for your kids? For them to get the best out of their lives?

If you want to do the "firsts" for your kids, you actually have to, well, do them. Not put them off indefinitely until the kids are too old.

😆

Completely unreasonable!

Indeed!

I've paid some of my two nieces' university fees and will be paying all the older one's fees when she goes to medical school next year. If they offer similar, OP, will you turn it down on the grounds that it's something you can't afford?

OP…you are getting a really hard time on here to the extent I had to go back and reread your OP. I didn’t find your OP selfish….i read it as questioning your own motives and I don’t think any of us can answer that. Would need to understand how you actually feel about your sister in law and brother. Might be projecting but sense that there is a bit of tension there? Do you feel like they are undermining you as a parent? When the kids are with them do they come back really annoying/selfish/bratty/spoiled? Are they pitching themselves as fun and you as boring old mum?

I used to do lots with my auntie (DMs sister) including holidaying at her home (army brat so lived in Germany at the time) and she always took me out to the cinema, shopping, out for dinner etc. So not quite as extravagant as this case but even now I’m very close to her and spoil her back now I have my own money. Not once did my parents object.

I wonder if there is a little jealousy at play here?

You’re a selfish parent. Let your children enjoy life.

I think this could go either way.

On the surface, it's fine and kind for them to want to spoil your kids - a nice treat for them and a break for you. Unless it's a special 'first' that you'd planned or think you're going to get to one day then - everything else being equal - then it would be a bit selfish to prevent them.

Having said that, I had an aunt who had no children and used to like to take me on holidays and to different experiences etc. I thought the sun shone out of her bum as a child I have to admit. But it was still uncomfortable as it did become apparent to me, even quite young, that she was getting a kick out of doing things my parents either couldn't do or didn't particularly see the value of. She desperately wanted to have the 'special bond' with me to the extent it felt forced and manipulative in ways I didn't quite know how to understand at the time. She also, as I grew up, overstepped boundaries in terms of what she shared with me and how much of my business/ life she felt entitled to know. To this day she can be prying and demanding of my time/ wanting to know the ins and outs of everything in my life and I just find it an incredibly complicated and fraught relationship - she's elderly now and expects me to act as a daughter in a lot of ways. I do what I can but have already done a lot of caring for my parents before I lost them, and have my own young daughter I'm trying to raise. Speaking of which, she seems to want to use my daughter as a prop and a reflection of her in a similar way she did with me and I'm absolutely not having it.

I had a rock solid relationship with my mum, but there were some really weird things that happened with my aunt over the years where it was clear she was trying to come between us.

I'm not for a second saying this is the same with your relatives OP. Just that - these are your children and it's ok if you have a line where you feel 'nope, that's a bit much now'. It might not be the same line as everyone else's but that's ok. Just because other people are ok with their kids going off on luxury trips and experiences multiple times a year without them doesn't mean you have to be. There should be a happy middle ground where you can say - we really appreciate your generosity and the kids so enjoy your time together, but actually we need to get the balance right here and have decided that we're comfortable with X and Y, but not Z.

You're putting your own feelings of feeling left out or that you're missing out over the happiness of your children.

It's a different dynamic when mum and dad aren't there, let them have fun with their uncle and aunt.

Are you thinking that they should be including and paying for you as well?

Yes I think you are BU. Maybe if there’s one absolutely special thing that you want to do with your kids then keep that for yourselves but realistically how likely is it that you’ll do them all?

My BIL was like that and wouldn’t let me take DNs to Longleat as he wanted to take them. They’re mid 20s now and he still hasn’t got round to it ………

I think you're being really mean and small minded. You're depriving your kids of some awesome experiences out of petty jealousy.