DS home from uni and attitude/ gone a bit off rails

I have 2 kids studying at top London uni's doing demanding degrees. Both can barely work but manage to bring in about £300pm for themselves.

His maintenance loan is the only part affected by your husband's income. If studying in London with high earning parents he will be getting £6,647pa.

Why on earth is he paying this to your husband and him then paying the uni?!! (interfering).

Sounds like your husband has control issues and not happy that his young adult son wants some independence.

Did you not sit down as a family and budget before he applied or accepted the place?

Your husband isn't giving him circa £1500 per month - he's already taken your son's £6647 maintenance loan - and they're only at uni for 8-9 months per year.

Your husband needs to give him control over his finances. The 3 of you need to sit down and create a budget. Your son needs to look at supplementing his income (loan).

I'm glad your son has had a blast and no longer isolated. But I wouldn't be too happy about the attitude.

Yes and this dynamic will continue for years to come. Especially given how many adult kids boomerang back home.

As the students maintenance amounts are affected by parental income a parent would be a complete asshole not to contribute when it’s baked into the system that they do.

Personally I think he's too old for a family holiday. I stopped going on family holidays when I turned 16 and went inter-railing with a BF instead.

Uni summer is long. Nothing wrong with family holidays at that age and much beyond. Strange you think it’s weird.

I'd first give DHs head a wobble. His son is growing up, a large part of learning to budget is blowing all your money then eating baked beans the rest of the month because you're skint. Don't keep bailing him out, you're making sure he won't learn if you do.

All 19 year olds are like this. They're finding out who they are and honestly I'd just let him get it out of his system before adult stresses and worries and responsibilities come into play. Let him do everything while he still knows everything 😆

Real life will bring him down with a bump soon enough. He's not taking drugs or going off the rails and failing uni so let him be for a bit.

I would, however, tell him to curb the attitude. He picked this holiday, he will go and he will bloody well like it and if he doesn't, he will suck it the fuck up and handle it in good humour for his family's sake because why should everyone be miserable?

I’m not entirely sure what your point is.

There is no legal obligation, but if we only acted on legal obligations, we’d all be doing a lot less for our family!

Take for example, I’m getting surgery next week. There’s no legal obligation on my family to look after me after the surgery. But they will do it, because you look after your family.

It’s not entitlement.

its family dynamic more likely. He lived as a semi-adult for a year, now back at home where he's in child mode again

@Morgenrot25

It reveals nothing about modern expectations. The student loan system expects parents to contribute. Students whose parents have high incomes are not entitled to much supports, as their parents are expected to contribute.

Mine tried but resorted to working back home at Xmas, Easter and summer to save up for the following term.

Choosing not to get at least a part-time job is definitely entitlement.
Again, parents don't have any legal responsibility - many choose to, but it's not enforceable in any way.
I can't help but think this reveals quite a lot about modern expectations tbh.

Totally normal. Just let him go / fly. He’ll be back x

Don’t get involved with this change, accept him and love him even if you and DH roll your eyes at him in private. Say no to the extra money, tell him to learn how to budget and to get a bus pass, that’s part of him finding out how the real world is. Let him work it out. But otherwise I think it would be sad for him to be testing the waters with a new outgoing independent personality and his parents start moaning or criticising him. Obviously if he’s rude - calling holiday boring call him on it but otherwise let him get on with it

It's completely possible - pretty much all of my friends on my very intensive degree course managed it. We had very little gaps in our timetable, between lectures, labs and tutorials. The few who didn't have part-time term jobs definitely worked at least part-time, if not full-time, during the breaks.
It was very rare not to work while studying when I was at University.

Mine all got summer jobs, then took off with friends and girlfriends camping in Europe across Spain and Portugal. He should plan a holiday for end of August with friends and start working. I'd bin the second break to be honest.

Hopefully he'll be more organised next year.

@Morgenrot25

It's not about entitlement. Parents have a duty and a responsibility to support their DC's education and that includes helping with uni costs.

That doesn't mean takeaways ever night, but London is extremely expensive and £500 a month is certainly not rolling in it.

@OutsideInsideListen

As I have said, it is very difficult to balance working part time with an intense course at a top university and the majority of students do not do this.

Ah, that's quite telling.
I don't think there was anyone who didn't have at least a part-time job while I was at Uni, and there were very few people who didn't work over the holidays.
I wonder why folk are so entitled now?

as someone who was at uni fairly recently, no. The vast majority didn’t work during term time, and certainly didn’t work full time during all holidays. I, and most of my peers, had part time summer jobs and had help from family.

I think it’s common to discover life in London is amazingly good fun when you’re young and carefree!

Tell him he’s getting plenty of cash - if he needs more, he needs a job or to produce a budget showing where all his money has gone to.

Right, so you agree with me, it's not a legal obligation.
The son needs to be working, full time throughout the summer and during holidays, and part time during term time. It's what millions of other students do.

I think he’s finding the transition from uni life back to home life very difficult, which is entirely normal. He’s not going to slot back in as though nothing has changed, because it has, massively, for him.
He’s having to navigate a whole new life at university, while also feeling he’s expected to be the same at home as he always was. I think your dh needs to cut him a bit of slack. Maybe you could acknowledge how difficult it must be to have two separate lives, and how everyone needs time to adjust!
Also, we’ve been through the clothing thing several times. It’s almost as though they’re having to invest in a completely new and extensive wardrobe to help with reinventing themselves at uni! I think it’s all tied up with getting a confidence boost from new clothes, as well.
Stick with it, I’m sure he’ll be fine.

So instead of working a summer job, he is going on 2 x free family holidays.

It would have been better if he had worked & saved
Or worked & gone on a holiday with his GF

He needs to start working

Of course it’s not a legal obligation. But the student loan system is set up on the basis that parents will provide X amount a year. That’s why the maintenance loan is based on parents’ incomes.

OP, coming home from uni is a really strange spot. My first summer back after uni I was a nightmare. I’d gone from independence to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to having to abide by my parents routines. I’d be awake at 4am at uni, and went back to being told off if I was awake past 11pm!

Again, there is no legal obligation to support children through Uni.
Many parents do, but that's more about a moral obligation.
Lots of students take a couple of years out, get full-time holiday jobs and also part-time term jobs, in order to fund their own education.