Child Free Weddings have always been normal - stop pretending otherwise

There is a long history of weddings so what period is this “ always been the norm” cover? The last 50 years? 100? 500 years? Its a bit of a sweeping statement. My parents got married in wartime so only had about 6 people at the wedding, that was probably normal for then. Id never heard of child free weddings until relatively recently, but then Id never heard of baby showers or hen and stag dos abroad either - these are fairly recent phenomena . Times change and yes, child free weddings are an option that maybe people didn't think of before as they weren’t spending vast amounts of their own money on an event. In some cultures its definitely not a thing - have you ever been to an Asian or Jewish wedding?

“[Child-free weddings] is not a new thing. Not at all. You're just not very well educated about the past, or are wearing your Pollyanna goggles.”

I don’t think that’s true, and for the simple reason that weddings have changed from being family affairs with a few friends, to being mostly friends with some family. When I was young, you told your mother you were going to get married, and she organised and paid for your wedding - which meant it was much more family-oriented. It was quite unusual to have an evening do - the bride and groom would leave early evening and that was that - and the hen party was thankfully unknown. These days, unless you come from a very wealthy background, the wedding is organised by the bride and groom and paid for by them with parental contributions - so as they are organising, they have control of the guest list. Weddings are hideously expensive, and many a bride and groom trim children to cut down on costs.

I never understand why people automatically think children should be invited to the wedding. Maybe if they are close family but whenever I’ve received a wedding invitation I’ve always sorted a babysitter out and never assumed it was for the whole family. Maybe it’s a geographical thing because in my area even now no one takes kids to a wedding unless they are in the bridal party. I also think we are more precious about children these days and forget that not everyone loves our kids the way we do and shouldn’t be expected to. There could be a guilt factor in it as well because as parents we are working more and relying on paid childcare so people feel bad about spending their time without them. Either way I totally agree with everything you wrote but we’ll still have numerous posts a week about it and you’ll always get the ones who will agree that kids should be at weddings because they light up the room.

I had a thought that childfree weddings weren't in my experience and seemed strange to me when I first ran into one because family culture, but they were all Catholic weddings. Does that make a difference or coincidence? The childfree weddings I've encountered were all secular.

Yes, and sometimes they do cause quite the strop when someone can't/won't come without a newborn nursling or just because they have no childcare in far away city.

We were never forgiven for not attending so that was the end of that.

I think the problem comes when a bride and groom get stroppy because you decline their invitation. You're very welcome not to invite my child, but I should be allowed not to wish to come if that isn't how I'd like to spend my free time.

I think that's the difference. The culture around weddings has changed from being about family, to being about just the bride and groom.

I don't think child-free weddings were as common as you're claiming.

Never went to any weddings as a child. My brother went to one at 5 days old, but that was it (which was child free but bride said of course newborn babies don't count!)

I think some people need to remember that while their child may be the centre of their world, they aren't the centre of the world.

As long as they feel the same way about people who don't come. Whatever the invitees decide to do is completely fine either way.

My SIL cried and MIL got on the phone and made a big stink about us not coming because SIL was crying. So yes, it does happen.

The way I see it is she made her choice, we made ours.

My DD got married a few years ago and had children at her wedding. She seems to prefer the family culture on my side.

I think it's pretty simple really. Have a childfree wedding, good on you, but don't cry when people can't come.

I think it's bizarre to exclude children from a family event 🤷‍♀️

Just because it was the norm for you, doesn't mean it was the norm for everyone else. I'd never heard of the concept of a childfree wedding (I have a huge extended family and kids would always be included) until my SIL decided to have one. I thought it was very strange, but that's just because it was outside my experience and I'd never heard of one before.

When inviting she basically told my DH that she didn't care if her childfree wedding meant he couldn't come, so he decided that with that kind thought, he wouldn't even bother with the expense and travel. It was the attitude though, not the wedding, that did it.

Of course you can make exceptions. I did. You’re going to get entitled people either way. Someone’s always going to find a reason. If someone else does it that’s the reason. If no one else is getting one, they’re just special and deserve it.

you can argue it either way: either there should be a blanket ban because that’s simpler for the couple or people should make exceptions because having it your way shouldn’t always be the overriding priority and sometimes you accommodate family. I happen to think the “my day” rhetoric has become overdone and has become an excuse for absolutely everything.

the other half of it is that it’s not simply about what you can do. You can do whatever you want. It’s that people expect to be able to do it without consequences. If you want to prevent a sibling attending a wedding you can do that. You also have to accept the consequences of it. You can’t pretend it doesn’t send a message or communicate anything to the person.

I remember both sorts growing up.

The thing for me is that both sides can be unreasonable. For example not making exceptions for newborns, or for siblings' children, especially if long travel is involved. I've seen couples who were more keen on the childfree wedding than having a sibling present even if there were real obstacles to not having children at the wedding. Or claiming they "can't" make exceptions, which is nonsense. They could, they don't want to: at least be honest about it.

I would never have dreamed of asking anyone who wasn't a close relation for an exception to no children, and there were weddings I did not attend because childcare was an issue, but if a sibling had prioritised the child free wedding above my presence I would have been hurt.

They were definitely not normal in my family or those of my parents' friends. It never occurred to me to exclude children from my wedding. Normal in some families, maybe. Normal in general, not sure about that, just know it wasn't in my experience.