AIBU to find being a stay at home mum exhausting?

My DD is 2 and goes to nursery 5 afternoons a week. Without sounding harsh, it's good for her and it's good for me. Gives us a break from each other and gives her amazing experiences. I also work 4 days a week and I honestly find it easier being in work than at home with DD. Being a mother is hard work. No one should ever feel guilty for that! 💞

If you don't want nursery, which is fine, then you need to work a lot harder to give her the stimulation and activity that she needs. I don't know any toddler that would not be bouncing off the walls if they stayed in the house all day.

And screens at this age are not ideal. You may be telling yourself that being a SAHM is the best thing for her but not if you put her in front of a TV daily.

It's such a long day. I remember it so well. I would give anything to go back for a day but I don't pine for that time again. I used to feel guilty literally ALL the time and MIL would make comments about how much we went out but staying at home was so difficult.

TV for an hour or two in the late afternoon is fine in my view and I am very strict now about screens.

It will pass and when they get older it's really fun!

I’m not a SAHM usually, but I kind of relate as am on mat leave and have a (just turned) 4 and 2yo, and a baby.

We didn’t have a TV until we moved house earlier this year - husband and I have just never had one. So we have never watched TV with the children, and now I just wouldn’t think to put it on.

I quite like joining in all the imaginary play, which helps, and I know a lot of people aren’t a fan. I also find that the big two will occupy themselves quite happily with Duplo/Lego or the toy kitchen or making a den.

But my main parenting essential is to go out every day, whatever the weather. I am a much worse mum if I’m stuck inside. I try and make sure that we leave the house after breakfast and get back for lunch at the earliest. This really breaks the day up and after lunch/nap is done, it feels like there isn’t that much time in the day.

One thing that’s struck me from other posters is that everyone seems to entertain their kids.

I don’t and never have. Stay with me because I’m not completely nuts honestly!

Ive always just got on with stuff and the kids either join in with whatever I’m doing or go play. I’m not great at the playing pretend stuff so 5mins and I’m done.

If you weren’t at work and didn’t have to entertain a child what is it you’d be choosing to do?

The paid activities cost a fair bit but we have zoo membership and balance it out with free days out at museums, galleries and big parks. Lunch is always a packed lunch so we never spend anything on food, and we take public transport (I'm fortunate to have a free travelcard) so no travel and parking costs. So on certain days we spend zero, and we make the most of cheap ticket offers (Kids Week and seat fillers).

That is precisely why I got a part time job ! My dc benefitted and so did I. We enjoyed being together so much more because of the break from each other.

When my son was young I taught him to read.... just so I could get some bloody peace!!! He used to love Thomas the tank engine video whilst I whizzed round with the hoover. He's now 20 and still koves train Lol

I'd actually avoid constant teacher led classes. They do sort of have to learn to amuse themselves and not be constantly entertained or you get a 6 year old that won't play by themselves.

You have to go out! Every. Single. Day.

Our routine was basically
6 30 -7: wake up
7- 7.30 - stories in bed/get dressed
7.30 - 8 - breakfast
8-9 - brush teeth etc, do jobs at home toddler helps put laundry on, tidy/clean. Toy mop & brush.
9- 9.30: GO OUT. Rotation of: swimming pool, parks/woods, library with rhyme time session, duck pond, supermarket with cheap cafe, toddler groups, meet a friend with another toddler
11- home, bit of playing - blocks, simple puzzles, crayons and paper, shape sorters etc.
11.20 prep lunch - get toddler to help or give toddler pretend food to role play with etc & chat about cooking
11.30 - lunch.
12.00 nap
Mine would nap 2- 3 hours at this age. If you can, use a bit of the time then to prep the tea!
2.30 - snack then play. Rotate rooms and flip between playing with and doing jobs. Eg start in kitchen with snack, give them craft activity to do (playdo, crayons, paints inside large sandwich bag taped to tray etc) - 20 mins
Move to sitting room, get out blocks/puzzles etc for 20 mins.
Move to their bedroom to put away laundry you did first thing then read some stories.
Try and fit in a short walk - go to a postbox, pop in on a relative or elderly neighbour, wander past a farm, visit a friend, walk to hair salon & book in person etc
Make something for pudding that they can help with - rice pudding where they can help scoop up rice or pour a little cup of milk with help

In summer you want all the play bit to be outside - big chalks on patio, water all the plants with little watering can, water table, sandpit with diggers and spades and tubs OR patch of soil they can dig or muck about in,

• toys like vehicles, walkers, toy prams/mowers and early ride on type things
• as they get older little trampolines etc.

4.30 - tea
5pm - tv until 5.30
5 30 - 5.45 - tidy up etc
5 45 - go upstairs, run bath
6 15 - out of bath, brush teeth, get pjs on, choose book
6 30 - stories & milk
7.00 bed

Make sure you see other adults every day

This sounds lovely but does it not cost a small fortune ? It’s week one of the summer hols with my 3 year old and I’ve already spent £36 on two theatre tickets, £8.50 for a toddler class, £5 for a church stay and play, that’s not to mention lunch and coffee, snacks to pack, travel and parking ??!!

It’s continuous, there are no start and finish times, no breaks or holiday. You are an adult who needs adult stimulus. Being a SAHM is both a rewarding and demoralising time. People will look down on you but you know your child is in the best possible care. I to had no family help. I’m proud of that now. You pay the price though. I know it feels like it but it won’t last forever. Saver every moment and make special time for yourself, mentally and physically. You need ‘me’ time or you lose you. I’m at the other end now. My children are 16 & 22. I sometimes feel I’m useless and no good to anyone anymore. But I’ve recently found a very rewarding job in care which is sort of like looking after children but I get to go home without them! But definitely make a difference to their lives. You will find your way.

What is an okay amount of tv time do people think? We do probably an hour over the course of the day, three twenty minute sessions to break up the day but I do worry a lot that it’s too much but then I just don’t know!

I’ve been a SAHM for 12 years, it’s hard, really hard and boring too! But just remember there are good days and bad days like every other job. It can feel like Groundhog Day and that’s ok and totally normal. Tv is ok too and a few sessions on iPad a few times a week! You do what you have to do to get through to the next day, no guilt needed! Hang in there! you are doing what’s best for your family, it won’t last forever.

It's tiring but for me it was enjoyable. The way I got around the monotony and having to be an entertainer was by getting out more - we'd be out of the house for school hours (so 9am-3.30pm). Hard work but more stimulating for me and the dc. Had a big schedule of toddler classes, playgroups, stay and plays, a check list of different playgrounds, libraries, soft plays, museums, theatre and attractions. I liked the teacher-led classes as they'd take on an entertainer role, rather than the free play ones where the child needs a bit more input. Theatre shows are great as you can just sit there enjoying the show with them, and there's a lot of choice through the summer holidays.
Then a picnic lunch and buggy nap fills a lot of the afternoon.
I'd get bored going to the same play group and park every week, and so would dd!
We started her at a morning preschool from age 2.5 and I'd definitely recommend that. By that age she'll need the social interaction and have the independence to enjoy time away from you.

Unfortunately the reality is the less screen time you give her, the better she will then be at independent play. I don’t commit to any weekly thing but do various things throughout the week - outdoor playgroups as and when, sunflower/strawberry picking, a walk in the countryside, farms where you can feed the animals, garden centres, somewhere you can watch trains or canal boats! I drive but even a short trip on the bus to the charity shop and for a coffee is an adventure for them. I met other mums on peanut and that really helped with play dates too.

I do find it easier in summer to be screen free in honesty, I feel like in winter you have to spend more money to be out of the house doing things and I do spend a small fortune on having a range of toys at home and in the garden. It can feel exhausting in the early days but if you have another you realise how quickly it all really does go (and they become great at playing together).

Just go back to work if you’re not enjoying it. Being a SAHP suits vanishingly few people longterm.

It is monotonous and lonely and I worked part time. That helped a lot as did getting time for myself at weekends. Getting out the house and making the most of nap times. When my husband got home I would leave him with the kid and get some quiet time either doing housework or stuff for me. I didn't really do TV when they were really young but do now-no judgement. They love to 'help' with housework and sometimes it's about setting up an activity like wiping windows they can do while you do other stuff like clean.

SAHM of a 15m DS here! I probably have more interactive toys than is probably appropriate tbh, and don't go to that many classes as he's not a big fan of other children yet and I'm an introvert.

I find I am okay with certain aspects of the monotony as routine keeps my brain happiest, but sometimes I do have to put Bluey on for my own sanity 😂

Sometimes I do softplay, most days we get out for at least a walk, term time we always have at least one regular class booked. Am lacking mum friends, but wouldn't change my time with him ofr the world.

I echo the suggestions of maybe a couple of days at a nursery could help you even if it's just to do chores in peace!

a lot of people will say ‘you’re mad, you don’t have to work, enjoy yourself!’ But I work term time only and I find in the holidays it IS exhausting in a different way to the daily drop off work pick up routine, both have their positives and negatives but I find in the hols I just want to be out ALL day or the house is absolutely trashed and my dd just wants snacks and ‘play doctor mummy!’ Which is Lovely and she’s so adorable but after an hour or so playing her games it gets a bit much! Also trying to do anything meaningful in the house is hard, anything like cooking anything intricate or lengthy , deep cleaning or sorting clothes etc. all the SAHM’s I know will have their own mums or sisters look after their kids so they can get jobs done! And they often want childcare at weekend to have a break and go out on a date night or girls night more than myself and my working friends do, So really they are using childcare just in a different way! (This is not a criticism I mean that being a SAHM isn’t a walk in the park - literally!) Is there any way you could look at working maybe 15 hours or so and claiming some free nursery hours, or use a child minder maybe. All the influencers you see online doing sourdough, batch cooking, making everything from scratch etc with small kids and are SAHM, they all have help with the kids believe me!!

I would rather sit on a cactus than be at home all day.

It is absolutely exhausting! Thank god for cebeebies. Don't feel guilty for a bit of TV.

But everything that PP said about getting out more and involving your DD in the housework/cooking etc.

Also have you made any friends at the playgroups you go to? Can you suggest coffee out or at yours after the group? I found a nice tribe that way. And we ended up spending hours in each other's houses/gardens and the local park in those preschool years. Parenting is easier when you're doing it alongside others

Why on earth wouldn’t it be exhausting? is a nanny allowed to find their job exhausting? Yes

You are providing childcare for a mobile child all day. To stimulate them and to make sure they are well cared for, is a lot

Is your child eligible for any funded hours once they turn 2? Can they go to preschool or playgroup a couple of days a week so you can have a clear diary for some appointments or to tackle house stuff?

otherwise- be out the house as much as possible, regular routine of playgroups, ensure you have a rest during their naptime or quiet time. TV on all day is likely draining you more and making the day crawl by.

and re: no screens. By ‘no screens’ most people tend to mean ‘I don’t shove a phone in my child’s face at the slightest inconvenience nor do they have their own tablet’. Most 2 year olds are watching a bit of CBeebies. It is fine.

We’re no screen and it’s actually a lot easier bizarrely. We’re mid reno (which is a whole different nightmare) but it meant that the tv went away at Xmas and then out of choice we’ve left it that way.
I found it was entirely me using it as a crutch and has meant I then fill my time doing so much more because it’s not an option. I’d def recommend having at least a week without, you’ll feel lost for a couple of days but then there’ll be other stuff you fill your time with without even noticing.

I second that of @CsTheDay-library, park , walk, feeding ducks at the canal, anything to pass the time . I can’t remember what age I started using basic jigsaws and of course you can read books with them. Did a couple of music style classes a week too then made friends there and met up with them maybe at a softplay or farm type place weekly too. It isn’t easy at all. Started my dd at a private nursery three mornings a week when she was 2.5 years old as she needed more stimulation and it gave me a break too .