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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend said separate birthday party for Scots versus Brit-Asian, AIBU to be wonder if I should be offended?

133 replies

MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 19:39

Sorry that is to be wondering* in the title
Hey so my friend and I are both Brit Asian community based in Scotland.

She has a birthday party organised for her DC1 one for school friends at a party venue for kids, and another party at home for I suppose predominantly neighbours Asian friends to bring their DC to. Their are overlaps , as I only know about the school party from another asian friend who's DC go to same school as first friend. so there must be some asians at school party and presumably some (I think the right term is) white ppl at the neighbourhood one.

Unfortunately we are now going to be away on the date of the neighbourhood party, I didnt want her to think her DC birthday wasnt important so asked if my son cud go to the other one instead given he will know the local school kids from the neighbourhood (he goes to private school in the city), it was a long shot that I thought was politer than declining the invite and I was perfectly okay with no sorry DC prefers to have school friends time be separate to other friends .

But instead she said

My DC go to local school not private school and therefore has a big list of non Indian friends.

I have just reread her message exact words are ' going to local school, my DC has a really long list of non Indian friends'

Huh ???

DId she just insult Asians,Brit Asians, local white ppl, all in one sentence.

Anyway , I have said no worries, we will defo make it to the one we were invited to , if we are not away that date. It ended tersely. I hate it too when ppl who are invited try to make it about them rather than the birthday child - I genuinely wanted to try and have my DS be there for her DC spl event to show that we care and would have been okay with a better worded no response than the whole Indian , non Indian terminology (like what?, my Indian friend is going to the other one with her DC , and why would the two not mix? I cant even get my head around this.

OP posts:
Original poster
MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 20:03

user1476613140 · 22/07/2025 19:59

Definitely don't ask for the other party invite. It's in poor taste. Just decline. She sounds very clumsy with her words...and offending Asian people in the process. Completely tactless on her part.

lol me or my friend ? or both ?

OP posts:
Original poster
MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 20:02

Wayhome · 22/07/2025 19:57

Bit cheeky to invite your 16 year old son to the other party then

Show quote history

yes agree, just felt politer than declining , as have mutual friends at the other one , but just a ' no school group separate to neighbours' was what I was expecting

But yeah, I see where I created the problem too.

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 22/07/2025 20:01

User37482 · 22/07/2025 19:47

Why won’t they mix? I assume her kid mixes fine with white people and so does yours. This is a her problem, I would just roll my eyes and ignore.

It sounded to me like it's not an Asian/non Asian thing but a state school/private school thing. Two separate groups of friends who may or may not get on.

user1476613140 · 22/07/2025 20:01

Wayhome · 22/07/2025 19:57

Op given how you have conveyed this in such a way that most of us are struggling to comprehend what the heck is going on, is it possible you may have…. Misunderstood or misread the message?

Yep, possibly the message may have been lost in translation?🤷‍♀️

user1476613140 · 22/07/2025 19:59

Definitely don't ask for the other party invite. It's in poor taste. Just decline. She sounds very clumsy with her words...and offending Asian people in the process. Completely tactless on her part.

User37482 · 22/07/2025 19:59

MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 19:54

yes but then why did she say , 'my DC being in local school have a long list of non Indian friends'

Oh god I wish I could let it go

Show quote history

It’s the race aspect, feels like segregation or that everything has to be carefully managed. I also think if you have white family members yourself this kind of thing doesn’t sit well at all.

I would understand if someone said “home” party and I would know they mean family and friends (of the parents really). But the race distinction just makes it feel weird. Think PP is right, she just explained it badly and she’s talking about vibe.

Wayhome · 22/07/2025 19:57

MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 19:56

Known her only 2 years

Show quote history

Bit cheeky to invite your 16 year old son to the other party then

Wayhome · 22/07/2025 19:57

Op given how you have conveyed this in such a way that most of us are struggling to comprehend what the heck is going on, is it possible you may have…. Misunderstood or misread the message?

Original poster
MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 19:56

Wayhome · 22/07/2025 19:55

An old friend? Someone you know and trust who has never expressed racist views?

Show quote history

Known her only 2 years

OP posts:
Original poster
MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 19:55

user1476613140 · 22/07/2025 19:51

I'm Scottish and questioning my own comprehension skills right now...

lol sorry. According to my Asian friend I think -

Asians arent invited to her white party, and Whites dont go to private school

Shes managed to insult pretty much everyone in one go

Agree with those saying I should have just declined on the invite we did , and not asked for a switch . Pandoras box stay closed.

OP posts:
Wayhome · 22/07/2025 19:55

MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 19:54

yes but then why did she say , 'my DC being in local school have a long list of non Indian friends'

Oh god I wish I could let it go

Show quote history

An old friend? Someone you know and trust who has never expressed racist views?

Original poster
MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 19:54

TheyFuckYouUpYourMamAndDad · 22/07/2025 19:48

From the very little I could actually understand of your post OP, I suspect that the ‘two party’ situation is this:

  1. School friends party
  2. Home and family party

You’ve made your post so complicated though, it’s hard to tell 🤷‍♀️

yes but then why did she say , 'my DC being in local school have a long list of non Indian friends'

Oh god I wish I could let it go

OP posts:
user1476613140 · 22/07/2025 19:51

I'm Scottish and questioning my own comprehension skills right now...

Original poster
MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 19:49

GRex · 22/07/2025 19:46

She's worded it badly for sure. I think some people like to segregate more: school vs home for example. She's clumsily tried to explain it as Indian, but she just means the majority and vibe. It is tricky because some people really won't mix, which of course isn't you, but she might worry about opening the flood gates to everyone going to both parties; best give her benefit of the doubt this time. Maybe a mental note to include her in a mix of event types not just Asian community stuff, these things go both ways.

Edited

thank you yes, agree, will do

OP posts:
itbemay1 · 22/07/2025 19:49

I never invited non school friends to DC party as the friendship groups just don’t work.

TheyFuckYouUpYourMamAndDad · 22/07/2025 19:48

From the very little I could actually understand of your post OP, I suspect that the ‘two party’ situation is this:

  1. School friends party
  2. Home and family party

You’ve made your post so complicated though, it’s hard to tell 🤷‍♀️

declutteringmymind · 22/07/2025 19:48

I think I know what you mean, it’s like she’s segregated the different groups.

I understand it but don’t think it’s right. It’s like she has two separate lives - her Asian one and her non Asian one. I know plenty of people who exist like this and can’t reconcile the two parts of their identity as there can be quite different values. It’s quite sad really.

EmeraldRoulette · 22/07/2025 19:48

@MMMMMBacon I couldn't figure this out either

I understand if she wants to divide groups, personally I wouldn't care but it's not really my business.

But her reply to you is weird. It's like she's divided groups by ethnic origin. So on the surface it look like school and non-school, but it actually isn't. Is that what you're thinking?

If she really has divided up groups that way, that says something about her thinking that doesn't sit well with me. But unfortunately, I guess some people do think like that.

Original poster
MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 19:48

yes its just the way the no that was worded was very odd , agree no issues with school crowd and neighbourhood crowd being two separate groups

She brought 'non indian' into it , which is race distinction

OP posts:
User37482 · 22/07/2025 19:48

Greencustardmonster · 22/07/2025 19:47

Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but to me it is definitely not polite to ask to attend the other party instead of declining the one you’ve actually been invited to.

The racial aspect is indeed very strange. I can completely understand not inviting a child who goes to a different school to a class party though.

Cultural, asian people aren’t that formal about this kind of thing.

GrouachMacbeth · 22/07/2025 19:47

You and your friend are both Asian Scots.
Your friend is having two birthday parties, one for the whites and one for the Asians.
She says her some goes to the state school so does not know many Asians. She implies your son, who goes to a private school knows a lot of Asians.

Is an Asian child's birthday party different to a white child's birthday party? Apart from the possibility of religious food observance (IF that is a thing) then it sounds decisive.

You know her, is she racist or classist?

Greencustardmonster · 22/07/2025 19:47

Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but to me it is definitely not polite to ask to attend the other party instead of declining the one you’ve actually been invited to.

The racial aspect is indeed very strange. I can completely understand not inviting a child who goes to a different school to a class party though.

User37482 · 22/07/2025 19:47

Why won’t they mix? I assume her kid mixes fine with white people and so does yours. This is a her problem, I would just roll my eyes and ignore.

Wayhome · 22/07/2025 19:47

These are teenagers op

butt the hell out

not your party. Not your son’s party

GRex · 22/07/2025 19:46

She's worded it badly for sure. I think some people like to segregate more: school vs home for example. She's clumsily tried to explain it as Indian, but she just means the majority and vibe. It is tricky because some people really won't mix, which of course isn't you, but she might worry about opening the flood gates to everyone going to both parties; best give her benefit of the doubt this time. Maybe a mental note to include her in a mix of event types not just Asian community stuff, these things go both ways.