Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend said separate birthday party for Scots versus Brit-Asian, AIBU to be wonder if I should be offended?

133 replies

MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 19:39

Sorry that is to be wondering* in the title
Hey so my friend and I are both Brit Asian community based in Scotland.

She has a birthday party organised for her DC1 one for school friends at a party venue for kids, and another party at home for I suppose predominantly neighbours Asian friends to bring their DC to. Their are overlaps , as I only know about the school party from another asian friend who's DC go to same school as first friend. so there must be some asians at school party and presumably some (I think the right term is) white ppl at the neighbourhood one.

Unfortunately we are now going to be away on the date of the neighbourhood party, I didnt want her to think her DC birthday wasnt important so asked if my son cud go to the other one instead given he will know the local school kids from the neighbourhood (he goes to private school in the city), it was a long shot that I thought was politer than declining the invite and I was perfectly okay with no sorry DC prefers to have school friends time be separate to other friends .

But instead she said

My DC go to local school not private school and therefore has a big list of non Indian friends.

I have just reread her message exact words are ' going to local school, my DC has a really long list of non Indian friends'

Huh ???

DId she just insult Asians,Brit Asians, local white ppl, all in one sentence.

Anyway , I have said no worries, we will defo make it to the one we were invited to , if we are not away that date. It ended tersely. I hate it too when ppl who are invited try to make it about them rather than the birthday child - I genuinely wanted to try and have my DS be there for her DC spl event to show that we care and would have been okay with a better worded no response than the whole Indian , non Indian terminology (like what?, my Indian friend is going to the other one with her DC , and why would the two not mix? I cant even get my head around this.

OP posts:
Original poster
MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 22:16

Genevieva · 22/07/2025 22:11

Would it help to reframe this as a party for family friends and a party for school friends? Your son is a family friend.

Agree thanks, at first I overreacted in a hurt manner as it felt like her asian friends were not good enough for her white party, but I see how silly I have been.

Fears of Racism, discrimination and the emotional reactions ......are funny beasts. I neither fully will ever feel British/Scottish , nor do I feel fully Indian. An immigrant's life is one of very confused identity indeed. I hope my son doesn't grow up feeling the same way too as he is one generation more integrated.....

OP posts:
lunar1 · 22/07/2025 22:14

Are you sure it’s not just based on different types of parties, school friends will just be the kids doing their thing.

DH is Indian, and I’ve been to more 16&18th birthdays of people I’ve never met than I can count, because we know the parents. It’s a massive social and community thing, and not really the type of party someone with only cultural links to the uk would have.

I’ve probably worded it badly, but I’ll generally be the only white person at these parties, they aren’t really about the birthday child as much as a big community event.

Genevieva · 22/07/2025 22:11

Would it help to reframe this as a party for family friends and a party for school friends? Your son is a family friend.

Original poster
MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 22:04

After having calmed down, just clarifying I don't oppose the idea of segregated parties either (65 pc said I was AIBU on segregation on Indian/Non Indian lines)

I would have in honesty liked the loud bollywood music and spicy food :-) at the home party - I think in retrospect, we get used to more subtler wording that is all,on segregation issues, It isnt strictly always 100 pc a rule more a preference usually - even in the circles we run in.

Done with this too :-) thanks.

OP posts:
Howtotrainarabbit · 22/07/2025 22:02

It sounds like it's just a party for school friends and a separate party for local friends / people they know. Not that strange. The "Indian" part is a red herring. Go to the one you're invited to or say you can't make it.

Original poster
MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 21:58

@Wayhome , no I didnt send the message, I asked for advice and I am acting on the advice, majority on here said I was AIBU to feel offended at the way her response was worded :-)

It is always an eye opener coming on here, as I had not even thought of how asking to switch to the other party which is no frills compared to the invite we had which was for dinner and the whole shebang - looks from a Non Asian outlook :-) , hardly pushy and very mild compared to how pushy my friend is which is usually seen as caring and concerned in the asian immigrant crowd we both are part of - so as usual lots of food for thought and reflection :-)

Thanks to those who responded and opined, means a lot as always . Namaste :-)

OP posts:
myplace · 22/07/2025 21:22

School friend party- all the same age, already mix regularly, loads of white kids.

Home party- neighbours and family, all different ages, higher proportion of Asian guests.

I think it’s fair enough to think that someone you’d want to invite to the home party isn’t necessarily someone you want to invite to the school party.

School parties tend to be quite focussed- specific time span, drop off, possibly paid activities.
Home parties are more fluid, drop in and out over a period of time.

Pbjsand · 22/07/2025 21:19

I suspect that a 16yr old boy would be less welcome at a school party of a 13yr old girl than at a home party with family & friends.

Yazzi · 22/07/2025 21:11

MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 19:55

lol sorry. According to my Asian friend I think -

Asians arent invited to her white party, and Whites dont go to private school

Shes managed to insult pretty much everyone in one go

Agree with those saying I should have just declined on the invite we did , and not asked for a switch . Pandoras box stay closed.

Show quote history

But you also said you know this isn't true.

It sounds like she was trying to say "other party is full, he has more school friends (from the non Asian community) than we expected/ realised".

Aka being a bit clumsy because she's trying to be polite in response to your rude request for an invite that you weren't given.

And so now you're trying to encourage a witch hunt against her on Mumsnet.

CaptainMyCaptain · 22/07/2025 21:06

MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 20:24

I am going to call her and tell her that there are plenty of non indians at the private school as well though and overall Asians are only 5pc of Scottish population and that demographic is represented in both types of classrooms , state and non state - before she goes around saying that to 'non Indians' and upsetting more people. Jesus.

Don't. Just leave it or you'll make it worse and embarass your son.

NotrialNodeal · 22/07/2025 20:51

my DC being in local school have a long list of non Indian friends'

Is this some sort of dig because your child is at private school?
Is she jealous?

The whole thing is weird to me to be honest. I don't get what her point is. Does she think white people don't go to private school - it's just Asian kids!? Dunno. Weird.

AmusedBouched · 22/07/2025 20:45

Wayhome · 22/07/2025 19:41

I can’t really make head nor tail of anything of this if I’m honest

Glad it’s not just me!!

MerryPeachPoet · 22/07/2025 20:43

I’m not making much sense of this. We are a mixed family (mix of white Scottish and south Asian) and we normally have 1 party for all school friends (who are all different ethnicities) and then a little party at home where more family members/neighbours would be there, kind of more for the adults to get together to celebrate the child but would never split the two in to one race on one day and another on the other!

Laura95167 · 22/07/2025 20:32

I dont think its weird to have 2 parties. For my little DNs theres usually a party of school friends and a "tea party" of family and family friends.

I do think its weird to say you cant come to party A because its a party with his white friends.. weird and a bit racist.

Maybe even implies you could be racist. Because shes sorta saying you wont fit in/enjoy it because of the non-indian people.

Not sure id be spending much time round this person OP

Wayhome · 22/07/2025 20:29

MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 20:27

Okay it is left @Wayhome . :-)

more than half votes did say I was AIBU

So you’re not going to send the message you said you were going to about a minute ago?

Original poster
MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 20:27

Okay it is left @Wayhome . :-)

more than half votes did say I was AIBU

OP posts:
Wayhome · 22/07/2025 20:25

MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 20:24

I am going to call her and tell her that there are plenty of non indians at the private school as well though and overall Asians are only 5pc of Scottish population and that demographic is represented in both types of classrooms , state and non state - before she goes around saying that to 'non Indians' and upsetting more people. Jesus.

Oh cripes

leave this well alone op

do you not have much else going on in your life at the moment?

Original poster
MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 20:24

I am going to call her and tell her that there are plenty of non indians at the private school as well though and overall Asians are only 5pc of Scottish population and that demographic is represented in both types of classrooms , state and non state - before she goes around saying that to 'non Indians' and upsetting more people. Jesus.

OP posts:
Original poster
MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 20:22

GRex · 22/07/2025 20:08

Ok, you know what let's play this out. She feels on the whole that the groups will not mesh as one, and that might be correct; birthday boy being split between groups risks unnecessary friendship issues in one or the other camp. Say she only thinks of you/ your son as Indian friends; you felt you could fit into either group - but her perception is that she isn't so sure. So she is disregarding half of your identity and half your son's identity. It's a bit offensive that she doesn't know either of you well enough to perceive your full characters, and on that basis I think your friendship is more limited than you believed, but I still don't think it's racist. It could lead to an interesting conversation if you're able to raise it gently and treat it lightly, but a "screw you" attitude of putting time into other friendships instead is quite reasonable too.

If you disagree and think both groups would merge beautifully then fine, but even some adults rigorously separate their friendship groups, so she isn't unusual.

Show quote history

thanks agree.

Think I worded my decline of the invite badly by trying to soft land it with an alternate proposal, and she worded her no badly. Only one of us came close to sounding ridiculously racist though.

Son says doesnt want to go either as her DC are mean, so all moot anyway, thanks to those who replied :)

Her DC is her 13 year old daughter , so just a 'it will all be girls at the party' was what I was expecting and then for me to say ah okay , sorry we are missing the one you organised at home.

OP posts:
spidermum18 · 22/07/2025 20:17

I think you’re overthinking it. Sounds to me like she meant there was already plenty of guests at the school party and there wasn’t room for any more. Poorly worded rather than insulting, I’d say

luckylavender · 22/07/2025 20:09

Wayhome · 22/07/2025 19:41

I can’t really make head nor tail of anything of this if I’m honest

I thought it was just me!

GRex · 22/07/2025 20:08

MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 19:54

yes but then why did she say , 'my DC being in local school have a long list of non Indian friends'

Oh god I wish I could let it go

Show quote history

Ok, you know what let's play this out. She feels on the whole that the groups will not mesh as one, and that might be correct; birthday boy being split between groups risks unnecessary friendship issues in one or the other camp. Say she only thinks of you/ your son as Indian friends; you felt you could fit into either group - but her perception is that she isn't so sure. So she is disregarding half of your identity and half your son's identity. It's a bit offensive that she doesn't know either of you well enough to perceive your full characters, and on that basis I think your friendship is more limited than you believed, but I still don't think it's racist. It could lead to an interesting conversation if you're able to raise it gently and treat it lightly, but a "screw you" attitude of putting time into other friendships instead is quite reasonable too.

If you disagree and think both groups would merge beautifully then fine, but even some adults rigorously separate their friendship groups, so she isn't unusual.

CaptainMyCaptain · 22/07/2025 20:04

I wouldn't get involved with a 16 year old's party invitations anyway. Surely he should deal with this himself.

skippy67 · 22/07/2025 20:04

MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 19:45

we were invited to the 'neighbourhood' one not the 'school' one , or rather my DS was for her DC's birthday

and the reason was ' being in a local school, my DC has a big list of non Indian friends' so the two groups wont mix

To me this looks like bringing race in to it , but in a very confused nonsensical way at that - as my son as plenty of non indian friends too, at private school

Sorry doesnt make any sense to me either , perhaps I should just delete the thread

This makes no sense. But if you don't know if you should be offended, then you probably shouldn't be...🤔

Hodgemollar · 22/07/2025 20:03

I don’t understand why you would ask to go to the party you weren’t invited to, it’s weird.