Page 2 | Friend said separate birthday party for Scots versus Brit-Asian, AIBU to be wonder if I should be offended?

MMMMMBacon · 2025-07-22T18:39:18+00:00

Sorry that is to be wondering* in the title Hey so my friend and I are both Brit Asian community based in Scotland. She has a birthday party organised for her DC1 one for school friends at a party venue for kids, and another party at home for I suppose predominantly neighbours Asian friends to bring their DC to. Their are overlaps , as I only know about the school party from another asian friend who's DC go to same school as first friend. so there must be some asians at school party and presumably some (I think the right term is) white ppl at the neighbourhood one. Unfortunately we are now going to be away on the date of the neighbourhood party, I didnt want her to think her DC birthday wasnt important so asked if my son cud go to the other one instead given he will know the local school kids from the neighbourhood (he goes to private school in the city), it was a long shot that I thought was politer than declining the invite and I was perfectly okay with no sorry DC prefers to have school friends time be separate to other friends . But instead she said My DC go to local school not private school and therefore has a big list of non Indian friends. I have just reread her message exact words are ' going to local school, my DC has a really long list of non Indian friends' Huh ??? DId she just insult Asians,Brit Asians, local white ppl, all in one sentence. Anyway , I have said no worries, we will defo make it to the one we were invited to , if we are not away that date. It ended tersely. I hate it too when ppl who are invited try to make it about them rather than the birthday child - I genuinely wanted to try and have my DS be there for her DC spl event to show that we care and would have been okay with a better worded no response than the whole Indian , non Indian terminology (like what?, my Indian friend is going to the other one with her DC , and why would the two not mix? I cant even get my head around this.

andthat · 23/07/2025 14:48

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 11:22

re my post above, strangely enough no Boss here in Britain has ever done that, called me non-British / 'Indian' repeatedly like that , or even as a one off.

I think I was feeling a bit sensitive due to this already, re workplace situation , when the messages with my friend happened and I projected. Yes , technically, she can't be 'racist' given she is a POC herself. Post perhaps should have been about the boss at work and his labels mixing nationality and ethnicity , but then maybe I am overreacting to that as well.

Thanks to everyone who spoke to me on this thread, I think you helped slow me down from a mini meltdown on race , with my friend and - God forbid - with my boss :-) . You have given me a lot to reflect on as always mners :-)

Of course she can be racist!

The colour of your skin doesn’t stop someone from being racist, any more than it would stop them from being homophobic or sexist!!

Original poster

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 14:46

Starting to wonder if you are my H , @Wayhome :-)

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Wayhome · 23/07/2025 14:44

Thank heavens my son was/is dating another neighbours girl and not this one, they are from the same northern part of india (although the girl was born and raised in Dubai before they moved here) and we are more compatible. So there really is no reason to go to each others parties with this one anymore.

interesting you say that op and is rather telling about your views

Wayhome · 23/07/2025 14:38

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 14:36

wow

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I take that as a no - you have not apologised yet for inviting your son to a completely inappropriate party for him to attend, and putting her on the spot.

Original poster

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 14:36

Wayhome · 23/07/2025 14:33

I had not realised how strict the race segregation was in her mind previously

I doubt it is. You put her on the spot inviting your 16 yr old DD to her 12 yr old’s class party. She floundered and flustered. Have you apologised yet for inviting your son?

wow

OP posts:

Wayhome · 23/07/2025 14:33

I had not realised how strict the race segregation was in her mind previously

I doubt it is. You put her on the spot inviting your 16 yr old DD to her 12 yr old’s class party. She floundered and flustered. Have you apologised yet for inviting your son?

Original poster

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 12:55

All this on my mind this morning, prompted another mini chat with my son this morning on if he faces any stereotyping or segregation at school that feels uncomfortable and he says there will always be some kids who say 'Indian/ food is smelly' etc (he laughs and says this is usually kids who cant get girlfriends, so are bullied themselves in other ways?) but equally he and other other Asians are guilty of saying things like ' you are so lucky your parents will reward you for the B or C, for my parents if its not an A than I will never hear the end of it'

We have come a ways since the 1940s when my ancestors had real problems with this unlike mine and I should have nothing to be moaning about really :)

MNHQ please delete this thread if you feel it is politically incorrect. I also do not know if there is a purpose to it any more. As I have got enough answers and advice.

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PhilippaGeorgiou · 23/07/2025 12:51

MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 19:55

lol sorry. According to my Asian friend I think -

Asians arent invited to her white party, and Whites dont go to private school

Shes managed to insult pretty much everyone in one go

Agree with those saying I should have just declined on the invite we did , and not asked for a switch . Pandoras box stay closed.

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I think you are making a lot of assumptions about someone and what they meant and what sort of person they are based on a text that you didn't even understand. Her assumption appears to be that you are her friend, and that's pretty erroneous since you prefer posting her business all over the internet and calling her racist instead of speaking to her. Or at least have the good grace to accept that you are no friend of hers.

Original poster

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 12:36

Lmnop22 · 23/07/2025 12:21

Why do people ask if they should be offended like it’s a choice?

She just wants to keep one party for school friends and one for wider friends and family in the community. I get that, once you have outside friends at a school party they don’t know anyone well and often only know the birthday child which can lead to an awkward dynamic. The same friends and parents will go to every single school party all year every weekend and that’s the norm.

You were invited to her home friends, non school friends party so clearly she doesn’t have an issue with you being Indian or you wouldn’t be invited at all?

I was half offended as instead of saying school group versus neighbors group she said Indian versus non Indian - but there are Asians presumably at the school and there are non Indians in the neighbourhood (95 pc of the total neighbourhood). I had not realised how strict the race segregation was in her mind previously . Thought this was 2025 but overall glad I posted and understood half or more than half the views on here as well re the strict grouping by race. I am naive I suppose as very laidback and my parties are all mixed and easy.

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Lmnop22 · 23/07/2025 12:21

Why do people ask if they should be offended like it’s a choice?

She just wants to keep one party for school friends and one for wider friends and family in the community. I get that, once you have outside friends at a school party they don’t know anyone well and often only know the birthday child which can lead to an awkward dynamic. The same friends and parents will go to every single school party all year every weekend and that’s the norm.

You were invited to her home friends, non school friends party so clearly she doesn’t have an issue with you being Indian or you wouldn’t be invited at all?

Original poster

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 12:16

Chocolatecake345 · 23/07/2025 11:00

If it’s affected you to the point you have to post it on a forum then I don’t understand why you really need to still go to this party or carry on being besties. Tell her you can’t make it and distance yourself- simple

Yes have definitely reflected and decided this friendship was not meant to be - I don't like who I am , when I am with her. As she is extremely strident and pushy, I think I have adapted by mirroring some of that in my interactions with her over the past 24-30 months. She lives very close by and is the type to walk in if the door is accidentally left unlocked even in the first few weeks of knowing each other. She was invited to our anniversary party and multiple times insisted that we do this vow exchange ceremony (renewal) in her (North) Indian langauge. We didnt want to do a vow renewal , let alone in a langauge we hardly know (our ancestry is from the south - the north versus south are almost two different races and cultures in themselves, with the south being a softer milder people).

Requesting to switch is very mild meek behaviour compared to her behaviours but I see where two wrongs do not make a right , and that as I said, overall , I don't recognise who I am becoming when I am with her, best to let this one go. Thank heavens my son was/is dating another neighbours girl and not this one, they are from the same northern part of india (although the girl was born and raised in Dubai before they moved here) and we are more compatible. So there really is no reason to go to each others parties with this one anymore.

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Isitreallysohard · 23/07/2025 11:26

So the kid is having a party with their school friends and then another with their non school friends and you tried to invite yourself to the one you weren't invited to? Yeah I'd be annoyed too.

Original poster

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 11:22

re my post above, strangely enough no Boss here in Britain has ever done that, called me non-British / 'Indian' repeatedly like that , or even as a one off.

I think I was feeling a bit sensitive due to this already, re workplace situation , when the messages with my friend happened and I projected. Yes , technically, she can't be 'racist' given she is a POC herself. Post perhaps should have been about the boss at work and his labels mixing nationality and ethnicity , but then maybe I am overreacting to that as well.

Thanks to everyone who spoke to me on this thread, I think you helped slow me down from a mini meltdown on race , with my friend and - God forbid - with my boss :-) . You have given me a lot to reflect on as always mners :-)

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/07/2025 11:14

It seems very odd that she’s brought race/ ethnicity into it. You are both from the same community so I wonder if she thought there was a “code” of sorts that you’d both understand.

I think she’s saying that the other party is just for school friends, which is fair enough. Sometimes having a non-school friend along can shift the dynamic in a way that is hard for young people to navigate.

Original poster

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 11:08

Wayhome · 23/07/2025 10:49

It’s the fact that your 16 yr old son doesn’t want to go to the party (thankfully given it’s a 12 year old’s turning 13 year old girls class party) that is probably the weirdest aspect of all this

@Wayhome , the house party invite was for the full family , as a community families event - ordinarily my son would have liked to come along to that one because his ex-gf who is a year younger than him , and who he is still very close to , said she would go to that one if he was coming along. So they had a plan that is unfortunately impacted by us being away. I mis-stepped asking for him to attend the other one instead as I thought it impolite to say we were not going to engage in her daughter's birthday celebrations altogether. In my mind, I saw him and his ex going together and keeping each other company, I can see how I was extremely presumptuous though now. She was right to say no to switching invites to the other invite, it's the race and class aspects that were the confusing red herrings though last night.

I think I was in a low mood as the place I now work for for the first time in 25-30 years is non British , and is headquartered in the EU - I think I was low key offended that the head keeps referring to me as 'Indian' rather than 'British' , I have been mildly stewing over that for a few weeks now - I thought my English report writing skills far superior indeed to the Portugese, Belgians and Turks in the team - a number of them can barely string a coherent sentence together in the report - and the head of needs to rewrite everything - and from my perspective instead of leveraging off my 'British' ease of writing in English langauge they were missing out on that skill by labelling me repeatedly as 'Indian' - although after the number of people on here who said my post was confusing and ill-written , I am now no longer confident of that skill either :-)

OP posts:

Chocolatecake345 · 23/07/2025 11:00

If it’s affected you to the point you have to post it on a forum then I don’t understand why you really need to still go to this party or carry on being besties. Tell her you can’t make it and distance yourself- simple

Wayhome · 23/07/2025 10:49

It’s the fact that your 16 yr old son doesn’t want to go to the party (thankfully given it’s a 12 year old’s turning 13 year old girls class party) that is probably the weirdest aspect of all this

JHound · 23/07/2025 10:46

Sorry - I cannot understand what it is you are trying to say.

Ok. Read the posts. I get it now.
I would need to know more tbh. What is the nature of the parties. Why does she assume the groups won’t get on. I don’t see it as her insulting anybody in particular (if I have understood correctly.)

Original poster

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 10:24

maudelovesharold · 23/07/2025 10:05

I think she was probably quite surprised that you were proposing that your 16yr old ds might attend a party for a 13yr old girl and her school friends, tbh! How uncomfortable for all concerned. Much more acceptable for multi-aged family/neighbourhood get-together.

She was probably searching furiously for a suitable way of saying no, without saying outright that it would be…odd, if your ds came. It’s obviously nothing to do with race, as the child herself is British Asian and you said there are other Asian school friends attending the school party. Also nothing against your ds, but it really would be strange if there was a random 16yr old at a 13yr old’s party. None of my ds at that age would have countenanced being a lone 16 yr old at such an event, and it sounds like your ds is of the same opinion!

I think her message was the equivalent of blurting something out in a panic to get out of the immediate awkward situation, but unfortunately creating another awkward situation in the process. She didn’t think it through!

edited for typo

Edited

Agree. Also I did not think it through at all either, in the fear of offending her with a straight out decline on the house party. If she had said yes, it would have been extremely awkward having to tell her later that my DS cant come to the other one as well due to 'made up reason' as he certainly would have refused to go any where near a bouncy castle , trampoline party with younger kids

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draggedtoakpopconcert · 23/07/2025 10:24

This is all so weird. Why on earth would you invite your 16 year-old son to a class party for 13 year-old girls?

I think, possibly, what might have happened here, is that she was surprised by your request that your son attend the 13 year-old class party. She should have just said, "sorry but they are a younger age group than your son and he would feel out of place and would not know anyone." But, in her confusion in trying to explain to you that this is not a party for neighbours' kids / relatives / wider friends, she has focused on the fact that this class party will not be predominantly Asian - ie. age doesn't really matter when it's relatives, friends' kids beyond school etc. Perhaps she thinks this is a politer way of turning down your request for your son to attend what I can only imagine would be a predominantly girls party of 13 year-olds!!! This is all I can think of.

maudelovesharold · 23/07/2025 10:05

I think she was probably quite surprised that you were proposing that your 16yr old ds might attend a party for a 13yr old girl and her school friends, tbh! How uncomfortable for all concerned. Much more acceptable for multi-aged family/neighbourhood get-together.

She was probably searching furiously for a suitable way of saying no, without saying outright that it would be…odd, if your ds came. It’s obviously nothing to do with race, as the child herself is British Asian and you said there are other Asian school friends attending the school party. Also nothing against your ds, but it really would be strange if there was a random 16yr old at a 13yr old’s party. None of my ds at that age would have countenanced being a lone 16 yr old at such an event, and it sounds like your ds is of the same opinion!

I think her message was the equivalent of blurting something out in a panic to get out of the immediate awkward situation, but unfortunately creating another awkward situation in the process. She didn’t think it through!

edited for typo

Original poster

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 10:00

Yolo12345 · 23/07/2025 09:36

You were rude asking if you can attend the other party. If you can’t attend the party you are invited to, then just politely decline…!

Done now thanks

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Yolo12345 · 23/07/2025 09:36

You were rude asking if you can attend the other party. If you can’t attend the party you are invited to, then just politely decline…!

Lougle · 23/07/2025 09:32

Doesn't she mean 'he has a lot of friends that you may not be aware about because they aren't Indian and come from the school where your DS doesn't go?'

Datadriven · 23/07/2025 09:32

If it's at a children's party venue then there might be limited spaces. She can't be that racist if she's got some Asian kids going already. Your DS was invited to the Asian community party and the other party is for her daughter's school friends, where the usual is probably that only kids at that age will be invited, unlike many Asian parties which are more about family and the community with kids from a range of ages. If it is a same-age party then her predominantly non-Asian friends would most probably find it pretty weird for an older teen, from a different school, to be there, Asian or not - those are just the cultural codes of that type of grouping, and that might be what she was clumsily referring to.

I think you're probably taking offence when none was intended. Everyone has racial stereotypes and prejudices which come out occasionally, you’re deluding yourself if you think you don’t. What’s good is living in a world where we try to make sure we don’t act in racist ways. Pointing the accusatory finger at someone else’s social groupings when they’re not maliciously racist helps no-one apart from the offended person who wants some kind of moral victory.

I wonder if you feel rejected and a little embarrassed about inviting yourself to the other party (this was rude and inappropriate) and you’re reacting defensively by making this about what she’s done wrong when she turned you down and not about what you did in the first place. It’s all no big deal - don’t make it into one.