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AIBU?

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Friend said separate birthday party for Scots versus Brit-Asian, AIBU to be wonder if I should be offended?

133 replies

MMMMMBacon · 22/07/2025 19:39

Sorry that is to be wondering* in the title
Hey so my friend and I are both Brit Asian community based in Scotland.

She has a birthday party organised for her DC1 one for school friends at a party venue for kids, and another party at home for I suppose predominantly neighbours Asian friends to bring their DC to. Their are overlaps , as I only know about the school party from another asian friend who's DC go to same school as first friend. so there must be some asians at school party and presumably some (I think the right term is) white ppl at the neighbourhood one.

Unfortunately we are now going to be away on the date of the neighbourhood party, I didnt want her to think her DC birthday wasnt important so asked if my son cud go to the other one instead given he will know the local school kids from the neighbourhood (he goes to private school in the city), it was a long shot that I thought was politer than declining the invite and I was perfectly okay with no sorry DC prefers to have school friends time be separate to other friends .

But instead she said

My DC go to local school not private school and therefore has a big list of non Indian friends.

I have just reread her message exact words are ' going to local school, my DC has a really long list of non Indian friends'

Huh ???

DId she just insult Asians,Brit Asians, local white ppl, all in one sentence.

Anyway , I have said no worries, we will defo make it to the one we were invited to , if we are not away that date. It ended tersely. I hate it too when ppl who are invited try to make it about them rather than the birthday child - I genuinely wanted to try and have my DS be there for her DC spl event to show that we care and would have been okay with a better worded no response than the whole Indian , non Indian terminology (like what?, my Indian friend is going to the other one with her DC , and why would the two not mix? I cant even get my head around this.

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Eleanorlock · 24/07/2025 06:05

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 19:39

Thanks @CalishataFolkart ,

Just a few minutes ago, an invite has arrived by text from her H suggesting DS come to the kids party as we are away on the other date re house party , very polite decline will be sent by H to her H.

I’m not sure I understand. So despite the messages you perceived as racist as to why your DS couldn’t come…. He now has been invited to the class party?

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 19:55

Thanks as always for the tough love MNers - think it really helped.

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MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 19:39

Thanks @CalishataFolkart ,

Just a few minutes ago, an invite has arrived by text from her H suggesting DS come to the kids party as we are away on the other date re house party , very polite decline will be sent by H to her H.

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CalishataFolkart · 23/07/2025 17:50

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 17:18

She sent her H over to get a reference letter signed for them for something, mortgage renewal maybe or UK citizenship. H signed.

I sent the sweet box and books through him. So if I mis stepped in any way suggesting an invite switch, I set my part right and can walk away metaphorically now

It’s not impolite or offensive to decline an invitation if you have an existing obligation on that day.

“Oh, what a shame, we’re away that day. Thanks for the invitation and I hope your daughter has a lovely time. I’ll drop a card/gift round before we go away.”

The End.

(edit - sorry your boss is being a wanker though)

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 17:18

She sent her H over to get a reference letter signed for them for something, mortgage renewal maybe or UK citizenship. H signed.

I sent the sweet box and books through him. So if I mis stepped in any way suggesting an invite switch, I set my part right and can walk away metaphorically now

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MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 15:43

Wayhome · 23/07/2025 15:10

Yes but certainly not out of realms of possibility that a woman (how old are you?) hasn’t heard of her. Whether white, brown, black or green

How come you don't remember my age from my one other thread Milady ? Given what a prolific poster I am.

The scene from 8 miles with her and Eminem where they kiss is top on my all time favorite screen kisses ever. Why wouldn't I know her @Wayhome ?

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ThinWomansBrain · 23/07/2025 15:35

maybe she is just being passive aggressive and doesn't approve of private education?

Child is having a school party and a family/neighbours one - the mother has clearly thought clearly about this and who to invite to each party. It's really not for you or any other guest to pick and choose which they fancy.

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 15:25

you dont think so @Wayhome ?

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MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 15:18

Wayhome · 23/07/2025 15:00

She asked you The lady was all like ' how do you even know Brittany Murphy ????'

and from that, you extrapolated she was racist?

I actually definitely did in this instance. As there was a white neighbour lady in this conversation too who also commented that she remembered the tragic death of BM in the news back when. And she did not get asked ' how do YOU even know who BM is?'

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MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 15:15

which im having to force my son to run over to deliver :-) @Wayhome . AIBU to ask a 16 yo to do that ?

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Shnuzzbucket · 23/07/2025 15:14

Wayhome · 22/07/2025 19:41

I can’t really make head nor tail of anything of this if I’m honest

me either - I think its a me thing though

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 15:12

Wayhome · 23/07/2025 15:10

Yes but certainly not out of realms of possibility that a woman (how old are you?) hasn’t heard of her. Whether white, brown, black or green

Not going to apologise to friend as she is going to just think I am dwelling on the topic to get the invite to the 'non-indian' party,- but instead sending homemade Indian sweets that I know she likes , a big box of it, and some Nat 4 textbooks she has been wanting me to pass on for her DD, now.

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Wayhome · 23/07/2025 15:10

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 15:08

Cute girl from Girl Interrupted , movie with Eminem, etc - was side character in Clueless. Pretty well known in our Gen X time @Wayhome

Yes but certainly not out of realms of possibility that a woman (how old are you?) hasn’t heard of her. Whether white, brown, black or green

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 15:08

Wayhome · 23/07/2025 15:00

I am a 44 yr old woman
I have just had to google who Brittany Murphy is

Cute girl from Girl Interrupted , movie with Eminem, etc - was side character in Clueless. Pretty well known in our Gen X time @Wayhome

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MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wow had not realised this, prolific ?

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Wayhome · 23/07/2025 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Tillow4ever · 23/07/2025 15:01

Not the point, but how did posters know the kids were teenagers and that OP’s DS was 16 before OP posted that? I’m so very confused though by the whole thread 😂

Wayhome · 23/07/2025 15:00

I am a 44 yr old woman
I have just had to google who Brittany Murphy is

Wayhome · 23/07/2025 15:00

She asked you The lady was all like ' how do you even know Brittany Murphy ????'

and from that, you extrapolated she was racist?

Wayhome · 23/07/2025 14:59

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 14:57

I meant the two of them are from the same part of India not me , random weirdo stranger on internet stalking my thread

And I didn’t think it could get weirder

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 14:57

Wayhome · 23/07/2025 14:44

Thank heavens my son was/is dating another neighbours girl and not this one, they are from the same northern part of india (although the girl was born and raised in Dubai before they moved here) and we are more compatible. So there really is no reason to go to each others parties with this one anymore.

interesting you say that op and is rather telling about your views

I meant the two of them are from the same part of India not me , random weirdo stranger on internet stalking my thread

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MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 14:54

andthat · 23/07/2025 14:48

Of course she can be racist!

The colour of your skin doesn’t stop someone from being racist, any more than it would stop them from being homophobic or sexist!!

Thanks, I have had only one real experience of racism since moving out of the city in 2022 to the less diverse suburbs and beyond , and it was from a POC

Nigerian Lady raised in Dubai married to an English white guy.

She asked me once when I was mentioning that Brittany Murphy used to be a favourite actress of mine in the noughties and how she sadly died too young. The lady was all like ' how do you even know Brittany Murphy ????'

Like what? My skin is brown cos my parents are from India, but even in India in the noughties, all my cousins were sat around the tv watching american television most days and eating MacD.

There were a few conversations like this before I disengaged for the sake of my own peace of mind. She called on Diwali day , asking if she could come over and I could give her an oil massage ????

I actually spoke to a friend of mine at the time who mentioned that micro-racism can be most painful when comes from another POC as our guards tend to be down.

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Wayhome · 23/07/2025 14:50

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 14:48

Just wondering @Wayhome , are you white or Asian ? Scottish or? M or F?

Just curious is all

More utter weirdness

Wayhome · 23/07/2025 14:49

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 14:46

Starting to wonder if you are my H , @Wayhome :-)

Why? Because he’s shocked that you’d invite his 16 yr old son who has no desire to attend a 13th girl’s birth party?

Why? Because he finds it completely strange that on the one hand you’re accusing her of racism but on the other whittling on about being “Thank heavens my son was/is dating another neighbours girl and not this one, they are from the same northern part of india (although the girl was born and raised in Dubai before they moved here) and we are more compatible.

why? Because unless mumsnet had advised you otherwise, you were planning on calling the woman to confront her?

MMMMMBacon · 23/07/2025 14:48

Just wondering @Wayhome , are you white or Asian ? Scottish or? M or F?

Just curious is all

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