10 year old snubbed at wedding

Well yes, the photo the OP was talking about was just blood family only, no partner and no friends. That's why she herself wasn't invited either.

It's normal to take a range of photos. One with everyone, one with the groom's family, one with the bride's, one with just friends, one with just the couple, one with both sets of parents etc etc.

I don't think the poster you quoted meant she would refuse to see a step-child if she divorced their father.

I think what she meant was that she would have no legal right to see an ex step-child. In an acrimonious divorce (which is often the case), the parent can easily refuse access.

The parent could also remarry, giving their child a new step-mother who would probably not be that keen on the previous step-mother hanging around.

My step-niece, although I’ve never thought of her as that, she’s my niece to me, was my bridesmaid. I could never have had my other niece, her sister, without asking her because it would have really upset and hurt her. It didn’t cross my mind for one minute that if my sister’s relationship broke down that we’d not see her again. As it happens, the relationship didn’t last, but my niece stayed living with my sister due to other circumstances so no one knows what the future holds.

It’s really cruel and unnecessary to exclude children, and all this bollocks of “in years to come someone might be in the photos who isn’t in the family anymore…” is just ridiculous. If that’s the case, wedding photos should just be blood family only, no partners and no friends.

What I can't stomach is that they included one sister but not the other. YANBU

Wow! If I had been part of a step-child's life, especially for 7 years, I would still want to see them, and have outings with them etc, even if I had split up with their father! Do you not love your step-children? If I had spent years having my step-children come frequently to the home that I shared with my DPartner, then I couldn't not love my step-children.

I don't have any step-children myself, as my 2nd, and hopefully my forever, husband, hadn't had any children by the time he met me. My first husband left me for someone else, who he then went on to marry, and have children with. When I met his babies from his 2nd marriage - which was during 'handover' time of our joint children - I became very fond of them!

They were so small, and very cute, and very similar in appearance to the the children we shared. They turned into gorgeous toddlers, and then grew up to be the lovely adults they are now. I have always thought of them as my step-children, even now that they are adults. So of course it was wonderful to see all the children together, and to take photos of them all.

A mother or father (biological or adopted) is a different relationship than step-mother or step-father.

A child will only have one set of parents.

A child could quite easily have 3 different step-parents over the course of their lives. Is each set of extended family supposed to see them as their grandchild for ever more?

But do your parents/siblings/etc still see them as often as any other family member?

I don't think anyone is arguing that a step-parent shouldn't see their step-child as part of their family. It's the implications for extended family that is under debate.

Now that you realise you made a mistake, you need to quickly figure out how to fix everything. Your daughters weren’t bothered about the photos, but you crying and making a scene has drawn your daughters’ attention to family dynamics. You need to stop making this into a big deal. Ultimately, your eldest daughter isn’t your in laws’ grandchild. Is your husband considering adopting her?

I’m afraid I’m split on this one. THEY didn’t upset your daughter, YOU did with your reaction. They appear to have been considerate of her feelings, by not telling her about the photograph, and simply sending her to find you. IMHO the only way they would have been unreasonable, would be if they intended rubbing your daughters nose in the fact that she was left out of a family photo. You don’t mention if she was included in other photographs. You also don’t mention whether your partner has adopted her, and it would make a difference to my opinion if he had, but assuming that he has not, then you need to remember that if you split up, then his family would have no future relationship with your daughter - harsh but true.

They sound like toxic weirdos I'd look to limit future contact.

I remember it. There was also a post where the OP took their oldest to a medical appointment leaving the youngest with grandparents. OP and older daughter returned early to the grandparents and found them having a party with other cousins and a similar scene unfolded.

Because they’re not the same. Stepchildren are in-laws. Taking a family photo without in-laws is completely fine.

I feel like I’ve read this thread before! Does anyone remember an almost identical post about a wedding with photos involving a non-blood related child and mum crying over it? Maybe it’s my imagination.

Why though? Why can't you view them all equally?
I won't go as far as a pp and say its a personality disorder. But why so obsessed over blood? Rather than just family.

Your behaviour drew attention to the situation and upset your daughter (who was fine about it up until then). Who upset your daughter? You did. Yes, it was a tactless decision but you can't dictate how other family members feel and all your childish outburst did was make it worse for your daughter, you're right to feel embarrassed. An adult discussion later, without any children present, would have been better but I guess you know that.

No, that was a sparky pointed comment by the family member. What nasty little package of a family, OP!

What a bizarre post. OP is a human, not a cuckoo!

It is hard. To you you have your perfect nuclear family - you, your husband, your two kids. From their perspective, your DH stepdaughter is not the same as a bio child and they don't regard her as a "true" cousin/niece etc.

Has your DH adopted her? This might shift their view as it gives a permanence to his relationship with her, she becomes his daughter in her own right even if you separate.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from them.

I think you need to control your emotions around your children

I think its fine for DHs family to choose their blood relatives to be in wedding photos

I think they could have been more discreet

But she is different and different isn't bad.

The oldest DD has a mother, an absent father, and a step-father.

The youngest DD has a mother and a present father.

They are different, with different family stories and roots along with different relationships with extended family. That is normal. As long as both children are loved and happy at home then there's no issue.

I think it's much better to teach children to be matter-of-fact about their family circumstances then to teach them it's something to cry about.

Just as an aside. I still see my ex step kids. They are my dd's sisters. Somw would say half. We never will. I can't tolerate my ex but I still see them.
They are 22 and 25 now.

I think it was fine for them to want the photos without your oldest child in but they could have gone about it in a better way. It should have been done discreetly and all children should be treated with kindness.

Extended families don’t always feel the same about step children as the step mothers and step fathers do, who have chosen to have them in their lives. We have step nieces and nephews and although we treat them the same in terms of gifts, day to day stuff, we don’t feel the same way we do about our biological nieces and nephews. I have always made sure I have taken some photos with my children and my biological nieces and nephews only.

I really hope your children bought your "I'm ill" excuse for crying. Otherwise all you've done is teach your eldest that this is something to cry and be dramatic about.

Your DP should treat the girls as equally as possible. His extended family should be polite and warm to both children. They don't have to see your eldest as their actual grandchild/niece/cousin though.

If you weren't invited to this family photo, then that means it was only for close blood (or adopted) family. No wives/husbands included surely means no step children either.

Your daughter has a mother, a father, and a step-father. It's not your dp's family's fault that the father is useless.

OP I think I recognise you from previous threads about your family. Have you taken any advice and looked into counselling for you and your oldest?

Your in laws have made their feelings quite clear and I don't see how these emotional scenes are doing any good.