10 year old snubbed at wedding

It’s just how I feel and I’m not going to pretend otherwise. Biology matters to us, it connects us and I don’t feel the same connection with my step nieces and nephews, who have their own bio family who no doubt do feel that connection with them.

Just because so many parents aren’t together and they want future partners and their families to feel the same way about their children as they do, doesn’t mean everyone does or should. It just suits some people to want it because they’re in so called blended families.

Ah so you agree it is different then, you just don’t think this scenario is important.

So MIL can exclude the step-grandchild from her will as not a blood relative, but can’t take a photo without her as this is terrible and othering?

No I'm not. I'm not in a situation to the OPs in the slightest thanks.

I think you did well pulling her out of the photo op. Don’t be embarrassed.

You don’t get to choose what kind of child you have either but absent them being truly awful you are expected to love them. And recognise their partner becomes their family unit.

I just don’t give a fuck, they are a child in a photo. No one is saying they should be equally considered in the will but sent out of the photo is outrageous.
my mil never liked having partners in even family photos taken at casual events, and I just think they are part of the history, her ‘you’re not part of this’ attitude really offsided me. My parents were totally not like this.

You’re projecting.

The 10 year old would have been bothered once the photo was displayed, pride of place no doubt, and she would think hang on, where am I? Kids notice these things.

If they’re a package deal then her husband is the purchaser, not his family. They didn’t choose to have a stepfamily and weren’t given an option on the deal.

You'd think it would be obvious.

OP's oldest daughter has two sets of grandparents. The fact she doesn't see one set of them does not erase them from living, they are still there are still her grandparents / extended family.

If as so many people think the step grandparents treat her just as anyone else in the family, she now has three sets of grandparents and extended family. In comparison to her younger siblings, who have two sets of grandparents.

It is not the fault of the OP's new MIL that her older daughter does not have contact with her other grandparents. It is entirely unfair of the OP to expect these unrelated people to compensate for that. The older daughter was invited to the wedding and not excluded. There is nothing to say that these people are actively unkind or mean to her. OP isn't happy because she wants everyone else to pretend her older DD has the same dad as the younger one and they're not up for that.

@ProvoPrincess you did the right thing.

You and you DD came as a package deal. Excluding her in this way was public and a clear message - they don't consider DD family.

You have a massive DH problem if he can't see that.

Your job is to protect your kids and you did that. Next time, try not to break down in front of them as they won't understand it was from a place of hurt and frustration.

It'll blow over OP. It'll make them more aware of not excluding your dd or treating her as second class.

If you are bringing them up and doing the role of Dad. You are a Dad that's it. Which this man has.

It may be slightly different if the biological Dad was heavily involved.

Op had a reaction and should not be sorry for that. The kids witnessing it was probably more damaging in the short term. As she gets older she may remember the photo though.

A grandparent is a legal role in that if the parents die, grandparents are some of the first considered to raise the children. They can also, in rare cases, get court mandated visitation rights to their grandchildren. Step-grandparents would not be seen on the same level.

Someone who is your family through marriage (or partnership) is an in-law. My husband's parents are not my parents. My husband's sisters are not my sisters. My husband's children wouldn't be my children.

They would be my step-children and by choosing to marry their dad I would owe them love and kindness. That doesn't change that they are my step-children.

Posters are acting like it's traumatising for a child to be a step-child and it should be hidden as much as possible, with everyone pretending that the child is actually their blood/legal grandchild or niece etc.

I would argue that being a step-child is completely ok and doesn't have to be traumatising in the slightest. It's a statement of fact, not a value judgement on anyone.

Their mother crying and causing a scene at someone's wedding is much more likely to traumatise a child than not being in every single photo.

Agree and in that thread the op was encouraged to go NC with her DPs family and to refuse her younger child to see her fathers family unless her older child got identical gifts, money, treatment etc.

Biological parents walk away from their own children without a backwards glance what makes people think step parents will be any different in a separation.

Sure some still stay in contact but most don’t.

But again this wasn’t a whole family bar the step daughter. This was two sisters and their biological lines. No partners married in or not. No step children. It wasn’t a slight on the ops daughter any more than it was not inviting the husbands/wives of any of their children.

Also the dh agreed with the pictures since he was in them too.

I agree, nasty.

Perhaps if they had the courtesy to speak to the OP beforehand she might have been prepared.

I never understand the MN need to defend othering children.

A grandparent isn't a legal role though.

Excluding someone because not blood even though they are actually bringing them up is toxic.

Point about the sister vs the inlaws yes thats fair. A child no.

Being a parent is a societal and legal role.

A step-parent has very few legal rights. They also often have very little practical say. Just read a couple of other threads where step-parents are being told to mind their own business and not get involved in parenting decisions etc.

It is not the same as being a parent.

If OP wants her partner to be her daughter's parent, then she should ask him to adopt. This btw would involve the biological dad signing away his legal rights, which just reinforces the fact that being a parent and being a step-parent are two different things.

At my wedding I had (amongst many other configurations) a photo with just me and my sisters.

You apparently think it's "weird and toxic" that my brothers-in-law weren't in the photo too. In your eyes it seems I should consider them my actual brothers, equal in all ways to the sisters I grew up with.

I disagree. As would most people outside of mumsnet I'm certain.

Yes if they have grown up with them for nearly a decade. Especially when she doesn't see her Dad. So in essence does not have a set of parents.

Sounds weird and toxic to me. A little precious.

I can totally see why you were so upset by it OP. I wouldn’t dream of treating a step grandchild like this of course she should have been included in the family photo. If I had been in your shoes, I would have kept quiet and made my feeling known after the wedding. But easier said than done when you’re upset I know. It’s happened you can’t go back in time, just move forward.

Why is it vile - it is different, you can’t make the in-laws see their dil’s child from a former relationship as their grandchild. It very simply isn’t the same.

I have a family wedding (of my step parent) coming up. They have been my step parent since I was younger than this girl.

I wouldn’t expect to be in any of the family photos, and won’t be asked to be. I take no offence at this and never have - I am not the same to my step-parents relatives as their own children. And - we all get on very well and always have done, so it’s not like there’s some simmering resentment.

I mean, we don’t know the full story. PP saying the family should have been more discreet but it sounds like they were? It seems like eldest was sent to find OP, youngest was taken away elsewhere, eldest wasn’t upset (maybe she’d already been included in other photos? OP doesn’t mention this). OP went to see what was going on with youngest, saw what was happening, then decided to start walking towards it all and summoning her eldest? Then making a huge scene and crying in front of her children. OP handled this so badly.