10 year old snubbed at wedding

Why does OP need to apologise? MiL and S-i-Ls were the people who behaved badly. A step-child is one of the family, is step-grandchild to MiL and should be in the photo. In ditto situation (which I cannot imagine having with my family) I would withdraw my other child and go home telling DH to come as well - what a shitty lot of uncaring people!
Example you give is no comparison to what OP's DH's family did. Adults will understand that spouses might not be included. Children, who thought they were one of the group, will be hurt and not understand except that they have been 'othered' and the people who they thought were family do not regard them as family.

That used to happen to my daughter. My partners family all wanted pics with children and grandchildren my eldest daughter was always told to stay out of photos whilst my younger three (proper grandchildren) were in them.She didn't care she didn't like them anyway!

It’s true because the older daughter already has a father. A different man to the OP’s DH.

OP may want to erase him from her and her DD’s life, or that man may want to erase himself from their lives - but he exists, whether or not the wider family have met him, whether or not the DH is raising the elder daughter alongside OP. As far as the wider family is concerned, the elder daughter has an entirely separate and different paternal family that doesn’t involve them.

It’s not about rights and wrongs - who knows if that other man was awful or not, is alive or not, is unwell or not, or any number of worse or boringly banal things - it’s about facts. The elder DD has a different man as her father, and the DH doesn’t see himself as her father in the same was as he is the younger child’s father.

Yes, this. Every word. I know it's not what the OP wants to believe, but it's true.

The situation was a mother of the bride and her sister, taking photos at the wedding. They were availing of the photographer being there, and wanted photos for their albums/phones/home. Photos would have been of them with their children, them with their children and grandchildren, them with their grandchildren - them with their spouses, them with everyone. Etc etc etc. We know how it goes.

They’d had one with their children (no spouses), one with all children, and wanted one with their grandchildren.

Along comes one of the DILs, along with her daughter from a previous marriage/other family. She snatches one of the grandchildren away and makes a scene.

As far as the MIL is concerned, the elder daughter is not her son’s child. Only the younger one is. He is father to one child, and that child is her granddaughter. He is ALSO stepfather to another child - that was his choice to make. But MIL doesn’t see that elder child as his. And therefore, not her grandchild.

If the DH hasn’t made clear to his family that he sees the elder daughter as his own child - which he obviously hasn’t given he took part in the photo which excluded her - the OP needs to take that up with him. She took a moment away from a grandmother, selfishly and immaturely and petulantly. And really the cruel thing is that she’s taking the younger daughter away from her paternal family, to “match” the elder daughter who also isn’t in touch with her paternal family. That was a conscious decision OP made. Totally wrong.

In reality, most probably the son/DH is fudging it between wife (yes of course I’ll treat her as my own) and mother (thanks mum for being proud of me for taking her in; oh yes, doesn’t baby younger daughter look just like you and granny?).

Imagine you have a DH and DD. You sadly pass away. Your DH inherits your money. Then he remarries a woman who already has children. Do you want your DH to leave the money equally to his biological child and his step children?

I suspect a lot of the posters saying "a step child is just the same as a biological/adopted child, the OP's in-laws are monsters not to acknowledge that" would suddenly change their tune.

😂 My step nieces and nephews would say I am. They are currently staying with us as my sibling and partner are both away with work. We have spoiled them, we’ve taken them on days out, bought them things, played with them and today my oldest son is taking them to the cinema and then for pizza. As I said, day to day, we treat them like our bio nieces and nephews but it’s still different and that’s ok. They’re cared for and everyone is kind to them.

Until what happens? Me and DH split?

Perhaps you're right and he won't want to see my DS again but I probably have more insight than you.

And the principle remains that the PP was making an assumption based on no evidence at all.

Fair enough. You sound lovely.

What a debacle. I assume alcohol was involved? It was an incredibly crass and undignified way to handle the situation, as you're now aware. And involving your children in your histrionics (crying infront of them, really?) is beyond the Pale.

I have no time for adults who selfishly indulge in these sort of outbursts at the expense of their children's equilibrium. My Mother did this to me often and I absolutely hated it.

Having said that, the Auntie's spiteful remark was totally unnecessary too. Very childish.

I think what a huge amount of posters are missing is that the DH also had a photo taken with his mum, sisters and the biological grandchildren.

If the DH wasn’t happy to exclude his stepdaughter, he should have stopped it there. He was happy to. His family acted accordingly.

OP, and previous posters, are gunning for the MIL and SIL when they should be annoyed at the DH, if anyone.

Haha, yeah, until it happens.

I wonder if the OP has made a big effort to ensure her older DD sees her dad’s extended family. From my experience, often when the mum cuts off the dad, she cuts off his family too. The child is the one who loses out.

Trying to rewrite history doesn’t help anyone.

my nephew’s partners child is my niece

*My great-neice

No. If you are married/in a relationship with their mum and bringing them up, you are a step-dad. For example, you would not be able to sign school permission forms as their legal guardian, because you aren't.

Then depending on the family set up, you might not have equal say in parenting decisions compared to the mum (judging by Mumsnet, this is very common).

You might view the child as yours and the child might grow up to see you as their dad. That's lovely and a choice that both make. That doesn't mean the world will see it the same way. You still won't be their legal guardian. If you want that, you should adopt them and then you will be their dad. Otherwise, you will remain their step-dad.

A step-parent can be a very important person in a child's life. They can love and take care of the child just as much as the biological/legal parent. That doesn't make them an actual biological/legal parent.

Edited to add: the OP caused a scene at her SIL's wedding over a photo decision taken by her MIL. She should absolutely be sorry for casting a pall over her SIL's special day.

When do extended families ever get a say in the families adults choose to create? Do people ask their parents if its OK if they get married and bring a D/Sil into the family? Do they contact Auntie Gladys and say they're thinking of getting pregnant, and is she OK to be a great aunt? Or ask their parents if they'd prefer to be grandparents at 56, or would they prefer to defer until retirement? And how many GC would they like? Two, or three?
When our children are adults, our control ends and they make the families they choose. If that makes us grandparent to a child they have taken as their own, then thats our role and if we want to be part of their family, we accept it.

But the vast majority of people would agree that a biological relation is more ‘ours’ than a non-biological relation.

The DH had a photo with just his blood relatives too. You’re expecting more from the MIL and SIL than of the husband.

This is equally true of both sides of the equation.

@ProvoPrincess unless the family have form for regularly excluding your eldest and treating her differently, you have over reacted massively and should probably apologise. It sounds like this was a specific photo they wanted which didn’t include anyone who didn’t share a specific relationship with the people in the photo, call it blood or family name or whatever. They can do that if they wish. It doesn’t mean they don’t accept or care for your daughter, but the truth is she isn’t one of “them”. It’s weird to me, my nephew’s partners child is my niece as far as I’m concerned and would be in any family photo, but I’m not them.

If they had been cruel to her and upset her when they excluded her that’s not acceptable, but it seems the only person who upset your daughter was you. You made it clear to them there was a difference in how she was being treated, and probably confused your other daughter too.

I would apologise and say I was tipsy / hormonal.

Agree with the posters saying you can’t force extended family to treat a step child as a their family member. It is their right not to do that. Your older Dd should have her father’s family in that role. It’s not your dhs family’s fault that her own father is a substandard parent.

You did the right thing, OP. I would’ve done the same.

Leaving a child out is just mean.

These stories are always the same; the first child’s paternal family are never in the picture, so somewhere along the line it was assumed the new partner’s family would simply take place, especially if there’s another half-sibling with the new partner. But no one asks the families, and then there’s confusion and upset when people are forced to realise that not everyone sees their child/the relationship in the way they just imagined.

Hope you are OK OP. I was awake in the early hours and some of the replies at that time were really sticking the knife in to an already upset OP. Glad they have calmed down now. It'll blow over.

Well that's tough, isn't it? None of us get to dictate the grandchildren we have, whether they are biological, adopted or step, or none at all. Our role as parents of adult children is to respect their choices regarding the families they create, take our cue from them, and accept or decline the roles that infers on us. A biological GC is no more or less 'ours' than one our child brings into the family in another way. We are offered a relationship through our child and its perfectly reasonable for our child to tell us the offer is all the children of their family, or none at all.
In all honesty, adults with the arrogance to believe their blood and DNA is so special it justifies excluding a child who doesn't share it is staggering to me.

I had a cousin who wasn't an actual relation (was a step cousin I suppose), as a child I never knew and only found out years later that my two cousins in that family were the daughter of my actual aunt and the son of her husband neither were children of both. It made absolutely no difference to how they were treated in the family. I don't understand not including a ten year old who has been part of the family since they were three, just mind bogglingly cruel, poor child being rejected by what they must consider is their family.