10 year old snubbed at wedding

Adopted children come into a family through the courts. Both their parents are legally theirs. Step children have family members on the other parents side. There is a world of difference.

No, they are not though having sex with your brother's wife is in some cultures considered incest - e.g. in England until fairly recently (within last 150 years) - and one could not marry a brother's widow or a sister's husband - they were within the forbidden area of consanguinity even though they did not share the same blood.
I would be bereft, now, if my stepson and his partner did not consider me family. I would be mostly alone. But I am family, my stepson's father's widow and he looks out for me, sees me at least once a week etc. does jobs, organises me. I am not his mother (who is still alive) but I am family. Blood doesn't come into it.

I know that OP has not said this. However, the whole tenor of the photograph was her grandchildren by blood. If that's what she thinks (and it looks very much as if she does) then an adopted child would be no more acceptable than a step-child.

I agree @Thatsalineallright - adoptive parents are nothing like step parents & posters comparing the 2 are very mistaken (& being very hurtful in the process).

Where in OP's posts does it say or even imply that? It's other posters who have brought up adoption as some sort of gotcha when really adoption has nothing to do with being a step-parent.

Yes, it's normal to have a few family photos with in-laws not included.

At my wedding I wanted one photo with just me and my siblings, no brothers-in-law. I also had photos with everyone.

My DH's sisters are not my sisters. My sister's husband's are not my brothers. I really don't understand why that would come as a shock to anyone.

If you personally view your in-laws as the same as your birth family then that's obviously fine, but you can't expect everyone (or even most people) to share your opinion.

Considering that some people end up having sex with their brothers/sisters-in-law (as seen on some MN threads), I certainly hope they aren't viewed the same as actual blood relatives!

There is nothing to suggest that of the MIL. And this is about her relationship with the child. Weird as it would be, she could marry the step Child.

You haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve stood up for your children. The other adults behaved really badly and I’m ashamed of them. Your 10 yo is “blood” as she’s your younger child’s sibling and always will be. Hopefully next time they’ll think a bit about ‘othering’ their granddaughters sister and their son’s step child.

The family didn’t do that. The children’s mother made it awkward.

Your eldest isn’t their granddaughter, and they’re not going to pretend she is. That’s not to say they don’t treat her kindly or as part of the family because clearly they have done, but they’re not going to consider her as a grandchild any more than you would consider your mother in law to be the same as your mother.

They weren’t unreasonable to want some grandmother and grandchildren photos, especially as they did include your daughter in others. Reacting as you did was never, and is never, going to get them to change their views.

I’ve never understood why parents have such a hard time understanding that when families get blended it’s not going to magically create some picture book family. It’s harsh but step kids aren’t the same as bio kids. Relationships will be different, situations will be different, treatment will be different… that’s ok and normal.

Does it suck for some kids, of course. Do some kids prefer it, yep.

OP, this was a really weird reaction and I can absolutely understand why people are mad about it. (The aunt was over the top snarky, though). I think it will blow over… but a mea culpa moment on your part would probably help.

Personally I can understand why she was excluded however, they should have done separate photos. I have step children and can completely understand my parents wanting a photo of their grandchildren, not including my step children. They are treated nicely by my parents, nice gifts at Xmas and birthdays but they aren’t their grandchildren. You chose to be with your husband, they didn’t necessarily chose your family dynamics. I would just forget about it and move on.

No they are not complicated. Cruel adults make them so. And that's what happened here. I can't believe you are justifying making a ten year old feel shit for a bloody photo.

But from the sounds of OP's MiL she would not accept an adopted child as her grandchild either. It's blood or nothing. And a step-parent has a legal relationship with a stepchild i.e. a stepfather may not marry his stepdaughter afaik.

What I'm saying is that adoption is completely separate from being a step-parent.

An adopted parent is a parent. A step-parent is not a parent.

So if it's blood only then sons-in-law and daughters-in-law are not included? Kinship is by blood and marriage. People who think it's only blood are weird.

Yes, exactly how I feel too. I have been with DH for nearly 34 years, married for 23 of them, but his family are not my family. I like most of his family and I'm very fond of several of them and count them as good friends. But they are not, and never will be, my family.

I already had my own family before I met DH so had no need to assimilate myself into his. Or vice versa.

Your husband told you? And where is he from, out of the Ark or the nineteenth century?

He needs to understand that you are his family.

So you are saying only if its in law then people can't act like twats.
What happened to human decency.

So on law allowed in photo. Not in law then not in photo because blood.
Ok then.

It doesn't take a crystal ball to know that blending families can be challenging. Actually discussing things beforehand would be a sensible first step.

It's interesting, because the more I think about this the more I realise I'd be completely opposite to the OP and several other posters.

If my DH and I divorced, there's no way I'd want any new step-mum to be seen as just as important as me, the bio mum.

If I found out my ex-DH's new MIL was calling my child her actual grandchild and just generally the whole step-mother's family treated my child as theirs, I would feel they're overstepping.

I would want the new step-mum and family to be warm and kind etc but I'd want there to still be a distinction made between me + my family (my child's blood/legal relatives) and the step-mum + her family (my child's step-family with no legal or parental responsibilities).

OP with the best will in the world, your eldest DD simply isn't your in-laws grand-daughter. She isn't even your DH's daughter, unless he has actually adopted her?

You say that your eldest DD was included on many of the wedding photos, yes? And presumably, up until now, your DH's family have always treated your eldest DD kindly? Bought her Xmas and birthday presents? Chatted with her nicely at various family events etc?

Really what more do you expect from them OP?

I wonder if your OTT behaviour at the wedding wasn't the first time you have indulged in such histrionics in front of your DH's family?

Maybe OP didn't have her Crystal Ball handy at the time and so didn't individually interview her DH's relatives, that she hardly knew, for their views on "blood relations" . If she had, should she have taken a majority vote? A percentage. What if only 2 out of 10 relatives thought this way? Is that reasonably good odds?

Maybe she thought that she and her DH were the ones to decide whether they should have a baby, rather than base it on the wishes of his relatives, particularly people like his Aunt.

Perhaps it never entered OP's imagination that his family would eventually be discovered to have these "blood relations only" notions and it didn't occur to her to base her own life choices on their regressive ideas.

Totally agree with this.

Sounds like they have dropped appearances which is going to show the divide for what it is.

What’s the plan going forward. Is dd2 allowed to her cousins party without dd1.