10 year old snubbed at wedding

People always use the "well what if a child was adopted" as if it is a massive gotcha when it's entirely different.

An adopted child legally becomes part of the adoptive family. A step child has their own birth family. It is not the MIL's fault that this 10 year old does not see her biological family. It is entirely unreasonable for the OP to expect to erase history and for all these adults to kid on that the 10 year old is just the same as the other biological grandchildren, however OP wants to create that scenario.

It's not the child's fault she is in this situation either though and getting the grandchildren together for a photo could have been handled with more tact and diplomacy to protect her feelings.

I made a complete and utter idiot of myself and upset my children.

At Breakfast my eldest was subdued while youngest ran to fuss over the aunt’s great grand child. The aunt said to my five year old to ask your mum if you’re allowed,

To all the posters saying “but what if they split up and the kid is in all the photos and they don’t see them anymore” at the time the photo is being taken they are a part of the family and might never split up.

Probably better not to take any pictures of anyone ever again in case someone dies and you have to look back at a photo of them even though you will never see them again lol ok that’s probably a bit over the top but the 2 girls will always be sisters won’t they so why not have them both in the photos.

Only blood relatives is a really fucking weird position to take and I agree with the poster who said that this confirms that most people are cunts

Lol, no. ‘Wrong’ here is entirely a matter of opinion, and they’re not obliged to fall in line with yours.

All Op has managed to do is piss them, and her husband, off. You may consider this to be totally justified and fine, but presumably OP does value her marriage, and would rather an amicable relationship with her in laws.

And people wonder why some kids are f'd up!? Because their parents make big dramas over nothing like OP!

My husband has told me that I am never to put my youngest in this kind of position again he says that my MiL and one of her sisters are very angry and he doesn’t blame them. Apparently I was also rude to the daughter - in - law of late uncle who was trying to wrangle the kids.

My father in law has died but he did say to my husband that his inheritance will only go to my husband’s biological children. Fair enough! This is a photo not half a house.

There were many photos outside the church and before the meal. We were all in group photos.

While the photo that upset me was taken by the official photographer it was taken about 2 hours after the meal where I consumed one glass of white and a glass of champagne. I was not pissed!

Husband totally accepts that DD1 is not his mother’s granddaughter.

All of DH’s grandparent’s descendants were in photos including those of his late uncle. Aunt in law has a great grandchild as well.

DH’s argument is that there were different combinations and lots of people were asked to step out. So late uncle’s descendants stepped out of the larger photo. Each sister had photos on own with their grandchildren including my MiL. The photo that I destroyed was the three surviving siblings, my MiL and her sisters and their grandchildren.

I tried my utmost to maintain a relationship with my former in-laws for the sake of my daughter. Ex MiL was either angry or sobbing which would make ex SiL cry. Five years later, she sent me a photo of her wedding to my parents’ address saying she was upset about how things worked out and wished us well.

While I don’t use the term in my house, ironically I have no issue with the use of half-siblings. Having them is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by but I am talking about my daughter’s inclusion with my other child in a family photo, a family where she has been a member for 7 years.

What is ironic is that most of them see my eldest more than some of the other blood related kids. But hey blood is blood.

Well, then they'd ALL be wrong, wouldn't they? You should always stand up for what's right, even if it means standing alone.
OP absolutely did the right thing. Snubbing one 10-year-old because she's not 'blood' is just plain nasty. And people wonder why some kids are f'd up!?

Well, then they'd ALL be wrong, wouldn't they? You should always stand up for what's right, even if it means standing alone.
OP absolutely did the right thing. Snubbing one 10-year-old because she's not 'blood' is just plain nasty. And people wonder why some kids are f'd up!?

Except they don’t feel like shit for not including OP’s eldest, and nor do they think they’re the ones that have behaved badly here. They all, including her husband, consider her to be the one that was wildly out of line.

The family didn’t do that. The children’s mother made it awkward.

Standing up for yourself doesn't mean demanding to be in the photo; quite the opposite in fact. It's about making it known that you see this bad behaviour and you can't unsee it!
Only then might they realise what it's like to be made to feel like shit!

But it's not bad behaviour, she was included in photos just MIL wanted one with all her gkids. I really don't think it's a big deal.

Standing up for yourself doesn't mean demanding to be in the photo; quite the opposite in fact. It's about making it known that you see this bad behaviour and you can't unsee it!
Only then might they realise what it's like to be made to feel like shit!

I think the circumstances are actually important. Always stand up for yourself when it matters. Why would you demand to be in a photo that people didn't want you to be in?

Disagree completely. We go through life being told to 'brush things off' and 'roll eyes (inwardly)' to avoid confrontation.
Sorry but if we're being made to feel like shit, we should 100% be able to say so.

I only really started doing this as I hit 40 - and wondered why the hell I hadn't done it sooner!

I actually think OP has taught her daughter a very valuable lesson: to always stand up for yourself, no matter what the circumstances. 👏👏

And she's taught her younger daughter that she isn't allowed anything of her own with her own relatives. It isn't the younger daughter's relatives' fault that the older daughter's dad and his relatives aren't there.

These situations are very complicated.

I understand why you feel upset that your daughter was excluded.

But - I also appreciate why your MIL might not consider her equally to her own granddaughter, as ultimately, she isn’t.

Thinking about my own ‘step families’, I don’t think I’d expect to be in family photos of theirs. I’m not their niece or cousin or child etc. It is different.

I am unsure about your reaction - this may just be drawing attention to it and teaching your elder daughter she should be upset / feel rejected. Probably better to teach her to brush it off, roll your eyes etc? Difficult to get a ten year old to understand the dynamics.

A grandparent is a legal role in that if the parents die, grandparents are some of the first considered to raise the children. They can also, in rare cases, get court mandated visitation rights to their grandchildren. Step-grandparents would not be seen on the same level.

Someone who is your family through marriage (or partnership) is an in-law. My husband's parents are not my parents. My husband's sisters are not my sisters. My husband's children wouldn't be my children.

They would be my step-children and by choosing to marry their dad I would owe them love and kindness. That doesn't change that they are my step-children.

Posters are acting like it's traumatising for a child to be a step-child and it should be hidden as much as possible, with everyone pretending that the child is actually their blood/legal grandchild or niece etc.

I would argue that being a step-child is completely ok and doesn't have to be traumatising in the slightest. It's a statement of fact, not a value judgement on anyone.

Their mother crying and causing a scene at someone's wedding is much more likely to traumatise a child than not being in every single photo.