10 year old snubbed at wedding

I agree re unpleasant: it is unpleasant to raise two children in the same home in such different ways. OP (if it's the same one) has been trying for months and years to push a square peg into a round hole, and I feel terribly for both girls who are witnessing this. Truthfully: she shouldn't have had another child without establishing first that her existing child wouldn't be disadvantaged by comparison. If she couldn't establish that - she shouldn't have had a second child. It can be very damaging to do this to children.

What a really unpleasant take.

Decent, perhaps. But I don't think they're morally obliged to do so. The moral obligation is on her mother, and the man who chose to be her step-father. Nobody else had any say in the matter.

The message it sends to the youngest child is that not everybody in her family sees her half sister as a member of that family. That's it.

If all parties don't accept the eldest girl the way the DH has, it would be utterly wrong to pretend otherwise. It's not complicated, and children aren't stupid. You're being patronising suggesting that children can't understand different rules in different families. You're also having a laugh by thinking the OP can allow or disallow DH's family to behave this way or that. They're also not playing favourites (what a nasty spin to put on it): they wanted a family photo, and OP stepped in to stop that from happening because of HER feelings about HER children.

It's not the wider family's duty to compensate for the lack of family on the eldest's biological father's side. I wouldn't want to compensate for that, and certainly not be pressured or guilted into it (equally I wouldn't exclude a child like this, I would in reality make quite an effort depending on my relationship with the OP. But it would be my choice to make.). This is the OP's doing: she brought her eldest into this family, nobody forced her. She is putting both of her girls through this, for her own reasons. That's a terrible thing to do to them.

Separately, if this is indeed the poster who took her youngest away from a party after stumbling upon it after returning from the dentist with her eldest: this poster has deeper issues. Posting repeatedly on MN about them isn't going to resolve them. It won't make the anguish go away.

YANBU OP, you did nothing wrong and I am not surprised how angry and upset you feel.

"Blood relatives" do me a favour what is this - Peaky Blinders? It's a photo ffs. Unecessarily cruel and horrible people.

The aunt is a cow. Whether she thought you were in the wrong or not she shouldn’t have said a word to a wean.

You did nothing wrong, they are both your children and it makes me so sad when people treat children in the same marriage, adopted, blended or both partners own differently.

at 10 it’s cruel to children to star5 tearing them so obviously differently and your mil should be ashamed of herself

personally i would now be going no contact and your dh can have all the dealings with her, and no unless both children go and see her none will

Bollocks! You’re not unreasonable to be upset about this and you don’t need to ring your MIL and appologise. They all sound like a bunch of witches.

The 'disadvantage' seems to be wholly created by adults who should know better!

I don't understand these picky dynamics at all. I can't imagine treating children in the family differently in this way. The whole concept of 'proper grandchildren' is bizarre. Adults are more childish than children sometimes.

If she is significantly disadvantaged, as you say, then the decent thing for the family to have done was include her in the photos and everything else they include her sister in.

That's the way it is. But I can see why OP is hurt.

What message does that send to the youngest when her older sister is treated a certain way. Older sister doesn’t see her biological father’s family, and sees OP’s husband as her dad. In the kid’s eyes they’re the same family- would be awful to taint the children’s implicit understanding of this by allowing DH’s family to play favourites.

This is very different to when a half sibling spends time with their father’s family. OP’s eldest lives with their family unit full time and in a practical sense is not much different than an adopted daughter to OP’s husband. The husband’s family are being mean and petty in excluding and treating a child that way. OP is 100% right not to normalise that behaviour just so her youngest can get the benefit of their favouritism

It sounds as though they tried to avoid the 10 year old knowing they were being left out of a photo if they sent her inside.
As others have said, the solution would have been to have one with all the little ones and then one with immediate grandchildren. But then your 10 year old would have known they were being excluded. It's a no win situation. My mil wanted particular family group photos at our wedding because it was the first time ever that all her grown-up nieces and nephews had been in one place for about 15 years. She didn't want their partners. Just her actual relatives! The next time they were all in one place was at her husband's funeral so I'm jolly glad we let her have her photos.
I'd let the dust settle, offer a massive apology to your mil (who now doesn't have the one photo that she really wanted, presumably), and try to put it behind you.

They don’t sound too kind so never mind them. Not right to make a passive aggressive to a small child aimed at you.

@ProvoPrincess I think excluding your child is really shitty.

I have to ask, are you Irish?

I think this is really sad. I understand your sadness OP. There is always the arguing that people can do whatever they want to do, which is true, but when you do something like this, you do it with the knowledge that it is going to upset someone. And if that’s someone is a small child, then it seems particularly unnecessary. I think we are far too precious about wedding photos being perfect these days. They are capturing a moment in time, and if interested that moment in time your daughter is part of the extended family, then she should be part of the photos.

Same. I hate this “blood” business, it makes mine boil.

I can see this is upsetting for you, but also this is a you problem. Your MiL wanted a photo with her grandchildren. Your elder daughter is not her grandchild. I am a step-parent and I understand the difficult dynamics and heartache of a blended family that isn't perfect. But ultimately, not everybody takes the view that a stepchild is family, and you have to learn to deal with this if you want to stay married. I think you are a poster who has previously posted about your DH's parents not including your DD in a family party when your oldest was at the dentist? If you are the same person you really need to get a grip of this siuation because continuing to feel slighted and unhappy every time your in-laws show you that they don't consider your daughter 'theirs' is unworkable. Therapy is probably necessary to work through this.

I agree, it was awful. I'd be heartbroken if it was my child. The little girl has known no father other than the op's husband, how confusing for her.

OP, I am furious on your behalf, the family behaved disgustingly. Now you know how they feel, goodness knows how you proceed from here.

It's always the same with these threads.

The person you need to apologize to is your youngest daughter, who you snatched away from her wider family.

That wider family isn't obliged to view your eldest daughter as a member of their family. Your DH made the choice to bring her into his family; they didn't have any say in the matter, and how they define their family is up to them. You can define your family however you want.

I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of, but you do need to get it straight in your head that your two children have different families, and that your eldest child is significantly disadvantaged compared to her sister.

What’s your point ??
That was a photo with the adults, then it was photo’s with the kids …

Exactly this.

Whilst your DH may think of both your children in the same way, you cannot force his relatives to do so. I can't see the problem at all with the MIL and sisters wanting pictures of their actual grandchildren.
If you hadn't have made such a fuss your daughter would have forgotten about it within minutes.

It's very upsetting for young children to see their parents crying, it usually only happens at terrible times such as bereavement or being told about serious illness, not for trivial issues like who's in a photograph.

My husband is on his third stepmother. In several photo albums someplace, he’s included in group shots of “the grandkids” or “the cousins,” even though neither he nor his dad have had any contact with these people in twenty-five or fifteen years. Your husband’s family is keeping in mind the possibility that you and your daughter could be entirely out of the family if you and your husband divorce, and as harsh as it seems, they want pictures of the relatives whose place in the family isn’t conditional.

Agree with this. I wouldn't want another scene.

Your daughter is included in family events and presumably treated well; otherwise, you would have probably mentioned it. I really don't understand why you had to make such a big deal out of this. They want her at events, but she is not a biological granddaughter, so she wasn't in that photo.