10 year old snubbed at wedding

Maybe because this is a website used mainly by mothers, many in similar situations, posters can’t see that this is a game of ‘chicken’ being played with a child’s emotional wellbeing by her mother. You found a new daddy for your child but you didn’t find a new extended family for her. You’re trying to cast them (husband’s relatives) in certain roles without their agreement and using the fact that people don’t want to upset children to try to force compliance. Even treating her nicely and generally including her isn’t enough. Nothing less than 100% compliance is acceptable from people who never chose to be in this position.

I strongly suspect that the reason these children don’t see their ‘blood’ family is because of some women’s tendency to try to cut out reminders of their difficult previous relationship. They’ve found their children a new daddy, his family are designated the child’s new extended family (without their consent) and old relationships are allowed to wither. These ‘grandparents’ are better, especially if they have better health, more energy and money, a more congenial personality and more to offer a child generally.

I’m not a person who is so focused on genetics in relationships, though I note the strong pull of genetics, whether we like it or not. Adopted children are often strongly drawn to their birth parents, even when those birth parents are just not good for them. What I object to, is coercion and manipulation of any kind. It’s not right to try and force people to act a certain way, using the fear of being branded cruel to a child to keep them in line.

There needs to be a greater openness and honesty about family relationships, with expectations kept in check. The child’s birth family will always be their first family and whatever happens between the parents, a loving mother needs to nurture those relationships unless they are seriously dysfunctional. It’s good for every child to have a sense of belonging, without question. They can have that with their birth family, even if it’s a bit messy. And they can have a second family that isn’t trying to be a replacement for the original family. I suspect that when people don’t feel they are being forced into a role they are more likely to take it on willingly.

I don’t get people sometimes. My step grandchild is included in our family as much as anyone else. I can’t imagine behaving any other way.

You have every right to be upset op- don’t be embarrassed. You are only human and acted with emotion in the moment.

They should apologise to you/ your daughter for being so thoughtless.

Sadly so.

… and the aunt sounds a mean spirited witch 🧙

You did nothing wrong OP. Your daughter should have been included in the photographs. I don’t have anything to do with my biological family either, but if I did my mum would’ve still expected me to be included in family events.

I must say I’m shocked at some of the comments on this thread. Some are really nasty and uncalled for.

Does the eldest’s extended family on the fathers side include your younger one in their family events? The eldest has a whole other family the second one doesn’t have.

This issue is caused by men fathering children them walking away and not including them in their lives. If your eldest had her father’s extended family in her life she wouldn’t need to piggyback into her step fathers family.

That's awful, some people are just ignorant and pathetic - I'd have wanted to have told aunty to F off at breakfast!

How could anyone be so mean to a 10 year old :(.

This is horrific OP, I wouldn't feel bad about your reaction.

In my family in this situation, your daughter would 100% have been included in the grandchildren photograph

The practical solution for OP is to have her DH formally adopt her eldest daughter. But the 'prize' is a family that has been so needlessly cruel. I would still press ahead with adoption. It secures her place in the family. Any inheritance should be equal to her sister's.

Until the parents divorce and you don’t see the step grandchildren again. Sad as it is, this is a potential reality & obviously the grandmother wanted a picture with her biological family only. She’s not wrong to feel this way, even if others feel differently.

this !!100%

Omg I missed that OP did that. Wow, what a drama queen. How ridiculous, why shouldn't grandma get a picture of all her grandchildren if she wanted that. Ffs. The only person who made DD feel bad was OP. Next family wedding she'll probably be left off the guest list completely, and fair enough too. No one will be forgetting this is a hurry, and if I was the bride or groom I'd be fuming with this level of drama.

As I read it this photo was nothing to do with the bride and groom but was organised by OP’s MIL (the aunt of one of the wedding couple) and her sisters. If that’s true, OP should not have made a big drama at their wedding by bursting into tears and making a fuss in front of everyone - she should just have spoken to MIL about the fact that it was unfair to exclude her elder DD.

This thread confirms my belief that around 50% of the population are complete cunts.

I don't think you should have made a scene OP. You could have suggested 1 with amd one without maybe?

No thanks don’t need to get a grip.

Bullshit blood nonsense. My ex H became my dd dad when she was 5.
she is now 40yrs old and has 4 beautiful children.
he is their GF. No debate.it was never an issue to even bring up. He loves those children.blood doesn’t come into it.
we divorced, but nothing changed for those children. They see grandad 3/4 times a week.
we share any family occasions with our new partners.
Blood relatives !! What an excuse for excluding siblings in a photograph. Very cruel and must have hurt a lot.
OP keep your head held high. You are so much better than your husbands blood relatives.
even just typing those words. Blood relatives. Makes me cringe.

she is a 10 year old child. Dh family should be ashamed of themselves.

The upside is, at least you know what kind of people they are, treat them accordingly. 😉

Get a grip. Her absent father and overly dramatic mother are the only people that have the power to do that. My child couldn't care of they weren't in a picture.

I agree this is vile. Strictly speaking you are right, but to subject a little girl to such open unkindness is beyond me. To exclude her, to allow her feel ‘different’ is simply, as said up thread, unforgivable.

It's not. What's the big deal being excluded from one picture. It's actually unkind for OP to be making a big thing about it. I pull my child out of certain pictures if required without being asked (but I'm fussy with pictures). If she's going to be that sensitive then she shouldn't be putting her daughter in that situation in the first place, and it's her who has made it into a thing.

Yes, I was joking.

Unfortunately not everyone shares the (occasional) moral insight of Mr Horowitz.

Lots of people don't see much if anything of their former step children after a divorce. Even less common that wider family members would stay in touch with an, e.g., ex-step-niece. Perhaps the world would be nicer if that wasn't so but there you go.

As I said above, I presume OP is aware of that given that her ex-partner, who is in fact the father (and not just step father) of her eldest daughter is not in contact with her.

It may be perfectly reasonable, but it is also unkind.

It was what Cher's dad said I was referring to.