10 year old snubbed at wedding

OPs own description is that she made an idiot of herself and upset her kids, so 'coming across as difficult' is pretty mild!

And ultimately, she or anyone else on here can hold whatever views they want about how DSC should be treated within an extended family. These are clearly not shared by the people concerned. OP is not in a situation where she can enforce that viewpoint. What she really needs is to think about how she can manage this going forward, which doesn't include making people behave how she wants them to.

I think it was incredibly mean spirited of them to insist on photos without your dd and it highlights how they really feel. I wouldn't give a shit about having upset them to be honest, they are clearly just tolerating you. For info.....I was that stepchild for many years and no one made me feel any different thankfully.

It’s true, though. The child in question had been in other photos and her feelings weren’t hurt, until the OP swooped in, making a scene and crying in the hotel room in front of both children.

I think it's very patronising to say OP is "coming across as difficult".

Whether or not her DH had been bringing her daughter up since the age of 3 or 9 is irrelevant. She's a child. She is part of a family. All members of that family should treat her as a full member of their family. Why is there all this division being made between blood members and non-blood members? It's cruel, but it's also completely ridiculous. Are second cousins somehow less in a family? How about babies born via egg donation? Or adopted members? Or married in members/in-laws? Family is about love, support and kindness, it's not about who has the most blood in common. OP is in the right here.

I think it's very patronising to say OP is "coming across as difficult".

Whether or not her DH had been bringing her daughter up since the age of 3 or 9 is irrelevant. She's a child. She is part of a family. All members of that family should treat her as a full member of their family. Why is there all this division being made between blood members and non-blood members? It's cruel, but it's also completely ridiculous. Are second cousins somehow less in a family? How about babies born via egg donation? Or adopted members? Or married in members/in-laws? Family is about love, support and kindness, it's not about who has the most blood in common. OP is in the right here.

I think you’ve read an entirely different thread. Take the mil out for the day? You have to be joking

Given your updates I think you are coming across as difficult, you were crying and carrying on and now the ILs have taken a step back from you/your eldest presumably to avoid you getting upset and further perceived injustices.

Maybe consider taking MIL for a nice day out with your girls to smooth things over.😬

I’m sorry but it’s their wedding day and their pictures and they get to decide who is in them. I’m not saying it’s right but his family will obviously favour their relative’s child and relation over a child you had with another man.

Now that there have been multiple incidents like this it wouldn't surprise me if the rest of the family just gives up trying to please OP. If no compromise is ever going to be good enough then why even try? Perhaps this is why only the younger one has been invited to the cousins party, they could simply be fed up of this situation.

From what OP said, she was included in the general all guest photos, then not in the ones where grandchildren were specifically wanted. It's a fair point though, as someone who's suggested having taken 2 photos one with DD10 and one without, that would still have been treating her differently. And maybe OP would still have struggled with that.

It sounds to me like they did include the 10 year old in some photos but because she wasn't treated exactly the same as her sister that wasn't good enough and the scene ensued.

It's abhorrent behaviour. It's not like you started dating last week FFS, he has raised her since she was three. Your ten year old behaved better than the adults.

Well done raising such a measured and calm little human.

It's a delicate one isn't it? My initial instinct is to do things like have an extra photo. But I know some people have said when they then grew up and weren't treated in the same way for things like house deposit help and inheritance, it was very hard when they'd previously thought of the relationship as the same. Can be a real tightrope I'm sure.

The point of the OP was that she was upset that her DD was excluded from a photo when her sibling was included.

I get the broader point that you are going to set a child up (potentially) for later disappointment if you lead them to believe that people care about them who don’t in fact care about them. But I also don’t think that justifies excluding children in every day ways that makes them feel unwanted in the family that they are being asked to live/ blend in.

Sorry, I’m not following. The whole point of this thread is the OP being upset that her eldest wasn’t treated like a grandchild, like her youngest. The MIL and her sister wanted one photo with their grandchildren, after all the others. It would be a lie to include the eldest in that photo, because MIL doesn’t see her as her granddaughter.

Agree. And people are such hypocrites (especially on here) regarding stepchildren and always saying its the bio parents responsibility for x,y,z, not to get involved, to focus on your own children etc god forbid a holiday or inheritance is involved. Yet suddenly an outrage over being left out of one photo. I don't buy it.

My sons from my previous marriage are included as well as my son with my partner, in all his family photos, as if they are equal members of the family.

They are older…30 and 25, so not kids, but I am eternally grateful that they are treated as they are.

I can totally get how you feel….id be absolutely raging….that’s no way to treat a child !

Where's the lie? The child can know she's not biologically related to the rest of the family, whilst still being treated the same as the other children. That's not lying.

I have a cousin who was brought up by my uncle exactly the same as your daughter, also from the age of three, and I just can't imagine ever treating her like that. She's our cousin, same as all our other cousins, and my grandparents treat her the same as all the rest of us. I'll never understand people who deliberately leave out a child like that.

I’m so sorry. This is awful. My Mum has 4 step grandchildren and she would have included them in the photo. Is there a history of this type of thing?

I think this is very unpleasant behaviour from your in-laws. I really feel for your older daughter.

I had a pretty crap childhood with my own family but luckily my best friend lived next door and her parents practically took me in. I stayed over most weekends, I went on all family days out and they even took me on holiday. They referred to me as their second daughter. I remember one year being with her extended family (I often was) and a photo being organised of all the kids. Just before they snapped the auntie said oh! in a cross voice put the camera down and told me to step out it was cousins only. I remember smiling feeling foolish and going for a little walk so my tears wouldn't be noticeable.

The dad is still as lovely to me as ever and now my daughter but I feel this strong sense of protectiveness whenever his real grandkids arrive that she will realise he's not really 'hers'.

I don’t agree that that’s a valid thing for the eldest daughter to not know. She was included in a broader-family photo, because to the MIL and aunt that’s what she is. It’s in her interests to know that MIL doesn’t see her in the same light as she sees her actual granddaughter - because that’s the truth. Anything else would be a lie and that would be storing up trouble for the future, trouble which could have a huge ripple effect, as well as potentially hurtful for the child in question. What good ever comes of lying?

Teaching her that her presence in the photo was so much more important than the feelings of the MIL, the aunt and most importantly her own half-sister that the photo couldn’t happen without her

Well no you wouldn’t want to teach her that! She’d still know she was unwanted so would entirely defeat the purpose of not hurting her feelings- they’d still be hurt.

The point would be to not make her feel / know that she was unwanted in the photo in the first place. Can’t see how that would be doing her a disservice

Nobody said they’re not important. They don’t always come first - and in this instance they didn’t, imo. Teaching her that her presence in the photo was so much more important than the feelings of the MIL, the aunt and most importantly her own half-sister that the photo couldn’t happen without her, will do her (let alone anyone else) a disservice.

I agree it’s important to have these conversations, but I disagree with this statement: “nobody wants to be deliberately cruel to any child”, I think there are all kinds of people who really dont give a toss about being cruel to step children in the family. I’m sure they are not actively being deliberately cruel, but they care nothing for the consequences of their behaviour, so to me that’s not much different really.