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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should DH's job come ahead of mine because he earns more?

293 replies

OpalFruitsAreBetter · 22/07/2025 18:48

Both DH and I work full-time with two primary age DC.

DH is the main bread-winner by far - he earns over 3x my salary plus share options etc. It's a demanding and often stressful job, but he is something of a workaholic and he is chasing a promotion.

I recently took new role at a 50% pay cut due to burnout, general unhappiness with my job and the fact neither of us had enough time to devote to DC as we both worked way in excess of our contracted hours. My new job has a much better work-life balance but it's still full-time and I have a team to manage, deadlines to meet etc.

Part of the 'deal' with DH in me taking a lower-paid job was that I'd be able to pick up more of the day-to-day work of managing school pick ups, running the house etc. But I feel like DH has started treating it as if I don't have a job at all and arranges his schedule with little consideration of what my commitments are. For instance, I always have to try to fit my office days around his and never the other way round.

This is starting to cause tension but his trump card is always that we can live without my salary but we can't live without his. Which is true. And my workplace is much more understanding of the demands of being a working parent, which is also true.

So do I just accept that my work has to fit around his?

YABU - he's keeping the mortgage paid so his career comes first
YANBU - just because I'm paid less doesn't mean my job doesn't count

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 22/07/2025 20:36

Under the circumstances you describe yes I think you do need to fit round his job. Maybe he fancies taking a massive paycut too because he is stressed.

Mrsttcno1 · 22/07/2025 20:35

I think for me it depends on the repercussions of each decision.

You both have a job, both of those jobs “matter” if you want to use that word, but the job that has to take priority is the one you can’t afford to live without so if that means there comes a situation where you both need an office day or else you’d be in hot water at work, he needs to go in.

Xyloplane · 22/07/2025 20:35

OpalFruitsAreBetter · 22/07/2025 20:30

It's about frustration with the current situation. He had nothing whatsoever to do with why I stepped away from my last job, which was entirely to do with the job being high stress.

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The problem is that you now can’t counteract his argument because you have bought into the idea that your needs are not as important, and as his wage grows (no doubt helped by your continued facilitation of his career at the expense of yours), the increasing disparity will make his behaviour worse. It’s a tale as old as time.

Original poster
OpalFruitsAreBetter · 22/07/2025 20:34

Xyloplane · 22/07/2025 20:29

But he’s now increasing his demands so the toll on you will remain won’t it? Except you now don’t get paid as much.

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I'd take the current situation over the previous situation every single day of the week. Doesn't mean I'm 100% happy with the current situation.

OP posts:
Xyloplane · 22/07/2025 20:31

captainvontrap · 22/07/2025 20:24

I voted UABU because I’m in your DH position. My job pays 4x DH job and it’s very responsible. I do a huge amount for the family/DC but I admit I do feel fed up when DH tries to put his work plans above mine. My job is essential, his is important because he loves it but it doesn’t pay the bills.

But you are not in the OP’s DH’s position, because you earn significantly more and also do a huge amount for the family. So you feeling fed up is valid. Neither yours nor the OP’s situations are an equal partnership.

CreteBound · 22/07/2025 20:31

Meh; I’d NEVER compromise my earning potential to enable a bloke to prosper, ask him if he’d like to swap?

Original poster
OpalFruitsAreBetter · 22/07/2025 20:30

Xyloplane · 22/07/2025 20:27

Re-read your own OP. And ask yourself what you would tell a friend who had posted the same. It’s all about him and his needs. And “he” pays the mortgage? And his demands are increasing as if you now do not even have a job? Come on OP.

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It's about frustration with the current situation. He had nothing whatsoever to do with why I stepped away from my last job, which was entirely to do with the job being high stress.

OP posts:
Xyloplane · 22/07/2025 20:29

OpalFruitsAreBetter · 22/07/2025 20:26

Yes 100% (though he could see the toll the last job was taking on me, no reasonable person would have expected me to try to carry on)

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But he’s now increasing his demands so the toll on you will remain won’t it? Except you now don’t get paid as much.

Xyloplane · 22/07/2025 20:27

OpalFruitsAreBetter · 22/07/2025 20:23

Wow that's a reach. As I said in the opening post it was the demands of the job that were completely unsustainable, nothing to do with DH at all

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Re-read your own OP. And ask yourself what you would tell a friend who had posted the same. It’s all about him and his needs. And “he” pays the mortgage? And his demands are increasing as if you now do not even have a job? Come on OP.

Original poster
OpalFruitsAreBetter · 22/07/2025 20:26

Poppins21 · 22/07/2025 20:16

Did your husband support your change job?

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Yes 100% (though he could see the toll the last job was taking on me, no reasonable person would have expected me to try to carry on)

OP posts:
Aboutmeabouttime · 22/07/2025 20:26

We have a similar set up and I take the hit mostly - scheduling around DCs, swapping days in the office, coming home early if we are both out of the home. My job is very flexible and it works out. If something had to give it would be my job every time… as kids get older it gets easier.

captainvontrap · 22/07/2025 20:24

I voted UABU because I’m in your DH position. My job pays 4x DH job and it’s very responsible. I do a huge amount for the family/DC but I admit I do feel fed up when DH tries to put his work plans above mine. My job is essential, his is important because he loves it but it doesn’t pay the bills.

Hedgedone · 22/07/2025 20:24

You need to pay for good childcare.
Your husband clearly wants zero responsibility for his children and you are to do everything and take the financial and pension hit.
Very foolish.
Is he topping up your pension by the balance?
No? I thought not.

Original poster
OpalFruitsAreBetter · 22/07/2025 20:23

Xyloplane · 22/07/2025 20:20

She was earning £100k compared to his £150k. He was not earning significantly more than her but has clearly manipulated her and worn her down to the point that she has stepped away from a lucrative career.

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Wow that's a reach. As I said in the opening post it was the demands of the job that were completely unsustainable, nothing to do with DH at all

OP posts:
Newsenmum · 22/07/2025 20:21

Poppins21 · 22/07/2025 20:17

Because household finances would be much worse if the highest earner lost their job.

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so basically it’s about risking her losing her job?

Personally we always shared tasks. If DH was physically working more hours then of course I did extra before he got home. But if you’re both working the exact same hours then youll both be tired so share it. And if yoi can’t afford for you to lose your job then you need to not be exhausted/skipping work anyway. Sounds like your salary snd therefore your work is just as important.

NuffSaidSam · 22/07/2025 20:21

OpalFruitsAreBetter · 22/07/2025 20:06

Sometimes we can, but I need to allow about 1.5 hours from office to school, which means leaving at 4:30pm to arrive before 6pm end of afterschool club, and that's not always feasible - it can be more practical to work from home where I can still be having online meetings at 5:30.

We have friends who help out occasionally if we both need to be out but there's a limit to how much you want to impose on other people's generosity.

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Get a nanny? You can afford one and it would solve a lot of issues.

Finding a job closer to home would also be a good idea. A three hour daily commute isn't ideal.

Xyloplane · 22/07/2025 20:20

Poppins21 · 22/07/2025 20:17

Because household finances would be much worse if the highest earner lost their job.

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She was earning £100k compared to his £150k. He was not earning significantly more than her but has clearly manipulated her and worn her down to the point that she has stepped away from a lucrative career.

Poppins21 · 22/07/2025 20:17

Newsenmum · 22/07/2025 20:14

I suppose I’m trying to understand why salary matters. Is it because he will get more tired so you can have more energy for house work? Is it because you do less hours so have more time for it? Is it because you are more ok to get fired so can be more tired?

Because household finances would be much worse if the highest earner lost their job.

WannabeMathematician · 22/07/2025 20:16

Just seen the update with salary. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Set your days and get a nanny for those days to pick up.

Starseeking · 22/07/2025 20:16

The maths gives you the answer, however he should be considerate of your schedule where possible e.g. not overriding your mandated office day for no real reason, and not treat your job as inconsequential.

Poppins21 · 22/07/2025 20:16

OpalFruitsAreBetter · 22/07/2025 19:43

My last job was very commercial, target driven, needed to be responsive to clients constantly. Frequently worked double my contracted hours. People who worked there part-time still ended up doing way over their hours and found it very difficult not to be effectively on-call on the days they were supposedly not working. To have similar earning potential I'd need to do a similar role again and I just couldn't, I'm not cut out for it.

I'm in a totally different environment now but it has inherently much lower earning potential.

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Did your husband support your change job?

Newsenmum · 22/07/2025 20:15

OpalFruitsAreBetter · 22/07/2025 20:12

Just to avoid guesswork: my old job was about £100k, new job £50k. DH's job now around £150k.

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So is your new job way easier so you have all this extra time?

Xyloplane · 22/07/2025 20:15

OpalFruitsAreBetter · 22/07/2025 20:12

Just to avoid guesswork: my old job was about £100k, new job £50k. DH's job now around £150k.

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Oh OP that’s even worse. Please do not hand all your power and financial future to a man who clearly isn’t bothered about your needs. The difference in your take home pay at that level would have been pretty marginal.

Newsenmum · 22/07/2025 20:14

I suppose I’m trying to understand why salary matters. Is it because he will get more tired so you can have more energy for house work? Is it because you do less hours so have more time for it? Is it because you are more ok to get fired so can be more tired?

WannabeMathematician · 22/07/2025 20:14

Without knowing the exact numbers it’s likely to be difficult to say but I think the flexibility argument is a load of crap on 12 hours notice every week regardless of job. You might as well not have a job if he requires that level of responsiveness.

having said that. If he’s earning the big bucks why don’t you move closer to your offices?

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