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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should DH's job come ahead of mine because he earns more?

293 replies

OpalFruitsAreBetter · 22/07/2025 18:48

Both DH and I work full-time with two primary age DC.

DH is the main bread-winner by far - he earns over 3x my salary plus share options etc. It's a demanding and often stressful job, but he is something of a workaholic and he is chasing a promotion.

I recently took new role at a 50% pay cut due to burnout, general unhappiness with my job and the fact neither of us had enough time to devote to DC as we both worked way in excess of our contracted hours. My new job has a much better work-life balance but it's still full-time and I have a team to manage, deadlines to meet etc.

Part of the 'deal' with DH in me taking a lower-paid job was that I'd be able to pick up more of the day-to-day work of managing school pick ups, running the house etc. But I feel like DH has started treating it as if I don't have a job at all and arranges his schedule with little consideration of what my commitments are. For instance, I always have to try to fit my office days around his and never the other way round.

This is starting to cause tension but his trump card is always that we can live without my salary but we can't live without his. Which is true. And my workplace is much more understanding of the demands of being a working parent, which is also true.

So do I just accept that my work has to fit around his?

YABU - he's keeping the mortgage paid so his career comes first
YANBU - just because I'm paid less doesn't mean my job doesn't count

OP posts:
Frenzi · 22/07/2025 21:09

Of course your job counts but one of you has to pick up he slack.

My kids are older now but one has epilepsy so needs to be taken to regular hospital appointments. I have been with my employer for 10 years - my job is ok, I dont love it but its very, very flexible. I work 22 hours a week with set days but they are very flexible.

DH is self employed. If he doesnt go to work he doesnt get paid. He earns more (much more) in a day than I earn in a week. It doesnt make financial sense for him to take a day off to take our daughter to hospital when I can juggle my days off to take her. Its not ideal as I find my days off are often filled with hospital appointments but it would be ludicrous for him to lose out on that money for me to go to work.

This was the same when they were little. I did all the school pick ups, drop offs etc.

Isitreallysohard · 22/07/2025 21:03

Velmy · 22/07/2025 19:43

So if I earn 150k and my partner works at McDonald's, I should be expected to make my employment work around his burger flipping half the time, otherwise it's not an equal, respectful partnership? Do you see how silly that sounds?

The reality is that they are not equal partners financially, by a long way. OP needs to make up for this by being flexible.

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This!! Surely it depends

pizzaHeart · 22/07/2025 21:02

OpalFruitsAreBetter · 22/07/2025 19:23

Supposedly we do but in practice he has stuff that comes up.

What prompted this thread was that I was supposed to be in the office tomorrow. It's my regular office day. I'd double checked with him yesterday this didn't conflict with any plans of his. He's just walked in and announced he has to be in tomorrow, so I can't go in. I have a minimum contracted number of days in the office and I'm currently not meeting it because the last few weeks this has kept happening.

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Do you suspect that it’s not a genuine emergency but rather his choice without considering your job at all? If so his attitude is very wrong and it’s not about salary. You can’t sustain a career if your partner is not reliable.
If it was my DH l would believe that this change was 100% the genuine emergency which couldn’t be managed differently.

Isitreallysohard · 22/07/2025 21:02

Aboutmeabouttime · 22/07/2025 20:50

But she might choose to ‘compromise’ her earning potential so the family unit prospers… honestly, some people successfully function in partnerships, doesn’t mean everything is equal or roses all the time for the partner picking up more at home, or the one stressed at work! Geez.

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This. It's a family and a partnership! Not a business transaction

Robin67 · 22/07/2025 21:00

You should never be made to feel that you don't matter or that you are somehow less than. However, the answer is clearly "yes", his job is more important than yours. It sounds like your family will cope without your income, but not without his. It sounds like you can afford to take a 50% wage cut, in order to facilitate a nicer work life balance, because his wage is high enough for you to do so. Draw some lines in the sand about what you still expect from each other, then don't let him shaft you. But yes YABU

Isitreallysohard · 22/07/2025 20:59

I think the answer is, it depends. MN can be dumb about this and insist on 50:50. My DH has a well paying job that provides us with a nice lifestyle, and this means he can't decline a meeting with the CEO for school pick up. And I wouldn't expect it (in saying that if I had a meeting with the CEO I'm sure he'd make every effort for me)

Blueberry2025 · 22/07/2025 20:59

livingoverseasproblems · 22/07/2025 20:56

What was the plan for childcare if you were both meant to be working tomorrow anyway? WFH shouldn't be used as childcare....

Another couple who have children and want the best of both worlds!

Original poster
OpalFruitsAreBetter · 22/07/2025 20:59

HelloCheekyCat · 22/07/2025 20:47

Surely with that kind of money you could hire an after school nanny/an pair (if they are still.a thing) or find a child minder who is.open later than after school club

Everyone I know who has tried that locally has had problems either finding something or it not being dependable. At least I know school wraparound it is basically 100% reliable.

I generally only need to be in the office 1 day a week, it shouldn't be impossible for us to make that work frankly.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 22/07/2025 20:58

He’s in the wrong. He can’t commit to a schedule and just change it the night before. He knows the set up so if he wants total freedom to what ever he needs to find a solution.

He is behaving like he doesn’t have kids and a family. It’s not on. He is taking you for granted.

It’s good that you’re working even if you do t need the money. It’s security in case something happens to him or his job. It doesn’t hurt to have the extra cash. You can always step up the ranks again when the kids are older. You’re paying into a pension. Plus it’s good for you to be independent and not lose your marbles running after the kids. He needs to realise these benefits and have it pointed out that he will fuck up your career if he keeps switching his days.

livingoverseasproblems · 22/07/2025 20:56

What was the plan for childcare if you were both meant to be working tomorrow anyway? WFH shouldn't be used as childcare....

pizzaHeart · 22/07/2025 20:52

Barrenfieldoffucks · 22/07/2025 18:59

Neither voting option applies tbh. Your job is important, his needs to be protected 'more' because you can't manage without it.

There still needs to be mutual consideration though

This^

Aboutmeabouttime · 22/07/2025 20:50

CreteBound · 22/07/2025 20:31

Meh; I’d NEVER compromise my earning potential to enable a bloke to prosper, ask him if he’d like to swap?

But she might choose to ‘compromise’ her earning potential so the family unit prospers… honestly, some people successfully function in partnerships, doesn’t mean everything is equal or roses all the time for the partner picking up more at home, or the one stressed at work! Geez.

Blueberry2025 · 22/07/2025 20:50

OpalFruitsAreBetter · 22/07/2025 20:47

Quite happy with my decision to have a career, thanks.

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Each to their own - it’s the kids I feel sorry for being sacrificed for the middle management ‘dream’.

cordeliavorkosigan · 22/07/2025 20:49

Yes, at those incomes I'd get a childminder, regular arrangement with a friend or after school nanny to do the pickups on your regular office days. Having to rearrange with no notice is not ok. Having the lower paying job doesn't mean you are worth no consideration at all, and maintaining the ability to have an income is very important even if you don't ever want to go back to the more stressful role.

CarlaLemarchant · 22/07/2025 20:49

My DH is the bigger earner so I do try and flex to make things work for him where possible. However, there are also some non-negotiables with my work around hours on certain days and he honours this. If something comes up where there is a clash, we see what we can make work and if i cant change my hours or wfh then he accepts it. We’re a team and my job is important to me and our household income as a whole. It’s also about respect.

HelloCheekyCat · 22/07/2025 20:47

Surely with that kind of money you could hire an after school nanny/an pair (if they are still.a thing) or find a child minder who is.open later than after school club

Original poster
OpalFruitsAreBetter · 22/07/2025 20:47

Blueberry2025 · 22/07/2025 20:37

I’ve voted YABU on the basis your kids are in school until 6pm every day when they don’t ‘need’ to be given your husbands salary.

Edited

Quite happy with my decision to have a career, thanks.

OP posts:
OnceIn · 22/07/2025 20:45

Yes sounds like his job should take priority, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t take you and your job into consideration. He’s taking the piss op

Coconutter24 · 22/07/2025 20:41

Both jobs matter but his should take priority. Like you say you can live without yours but you can’t live without his.

Original poster
OpalFruitsAreBetter · 22/07/2025 20:40

CreteBound · 22/07/2025 20:31

Meh; I’d NEVER compromise my earning potential to enable a bloke to prosper, ask him if he’d like to swap?

If I'd wanted to continue that job, or a similar job, I could have done. I didn't want to because I realised it was completely unsuitable for me. I didn't sacrifice my earning potential for him, I sacrificed it for my own mental health.

OP posts:
Xyloplane · 22/07/2025 20:39

CreteBound · 22/07/2025 20:31

Meh; I’d NEVER compromise my earning potential to enable a bloke to prosper, ask him if he’d like to swap?

It’s interesting that they were both struggling to make time for the family but it’s only the OP who took a step back isn’t it? If they had both looked for less stressful jobs and supported each other’s career changes I wonder how the dynamic would have looked now?

My friend and his wife have equally demanding jobs in different sectors. She earns more by my reckoning. They have each contracted their hours to a 4 day week so that between them they are able to cover childcare across 4 days and spend equal amounts of time with the children. That’s a partnership.

BellissimoGecko · 22/07/2025 20:38

You are helping to facilitate his big job by looking after HIS dc, looking after HIS home, and still contributing by working FT…

so it sounds as if he is being U by forgetting this - your not a lady who lunches, you are a working parent too.

sounds like he needs reminding of this. Does he pay a proportionate share if the bills? Does he do his share with the dc and house at weekends?

42wallabywaysydney · 22/07/2025 20:37

CreteBound · 22/07/2025 20:31

Meh; I’d NEVER compromise my earning potential to enable a bloke to prosper, ask him if he’d like to swap?

Did you even read the OP’s post and subsequent responses? It was her choice to take a lower paid job, and nothing at all to do with her DH or his career 🙄 Without her DH earning more it may not have been possible for her to even have this choice.

Blueberry2025 · 22/07/2025 20:37

I’ve voted YABU on the basis your kids are in school until 6pm every day when they don’t ‘need’ to be given your husbands salary.

MC846 · 22/07/2025 20:36

Honestly 10 years ago I'd have said YABU, but having been through a cash crisis with my DH where I was the higher earner, he felt his job still took precedence and left me in the lunch trying to do a very responsible job and look after 2 kids under 3. I had to change job and we now earn the same but I still do most of the family work 😞