Should DH's job come ahead of mine because he earns more?

IMO the answer to some of these is ‘yes’ to be honest. If there’s a logistical issue and you have the income to come up with a creative solution then it’s something to consider. You can’t both prioritise everything all the time and if you both have to be away from home at the same time then your childcare solution doesn’t work. I have high income friends who have hello fresh subscriptions and cleaners and take taxis often and all sorts of things to help them manage their lives. So I do think it’s worth looking at it all again and seeing what space you can create with the money you are lucky to have.

Well yes to a degree but the issue here is that the level of compromises are not agreed upon by each partner equally then you’re going to keep running into friction.

The maths answer to your question is that the work priorities of the person earning £150k are always going to trump those of the £50k earner because the implications of losing £150k per annum are much worse.

Therefore rather than having ongoing arguments about working top trumps, for the one day a week you have to go into the office it seems sensible to try and find some additional childcare that yes will come at some cost and inconvenience to organise.

We have a dog walker three times a week although there is someone wfh pretty much every day . This is because the stress and heated discussions around whose job was more important when we both absolutely had to go in were not worth it, for what boils down to a logistical problem. Although granted dog walkers are a bit cheaper than childcare.

Up to 5-10 years ago most of us with office jobs had to go in every day and made our arrangements around it. Having to sort things out to allow both of you to go in once a week on the same day when needed shouldn’t be such a huge issue.

You need to have a very serious conversation about this. If he earns so much more then you can afford to hire a cleaner, ironing service, gardener etc so the graft of running a home doesn't all fall to you. And consider getting an au pair or finding a couple of reliable back-up babysitters - maybe a retired neighbour or SAHP who you like - who would be able to pick up the slack at short notice. He needs to be equally comfortable arranging this as you are.

He needs to hear that you cannot and won't let your career fade to nothing while he gets more and more powerful, because that imbalance too often results in the man thinking the woman is freeloading and if the marriage collapses, she is left with a checkered CV and entrance level salary.

You still have to behave professionally in your work place and can't break your contract to convenience him, so alternative solutions must be found and he is equally responsible for them.

YABU but with the qualification that he doesn't get to be a dick about it. I also don't understand how your role is now full time and yet still pays only half of your previous one. I presume it's not the same company/type of role? I also wonder if you want to maybe keep your eyes open for something different for when the kids are older. I won't lie, I would resent his attitude and also the fact that he earns so much more when you also work full time. I only put that YABU for the purely practical reason that his money is what keeps you all afloat. I don't think that you are actually unreasonable.

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

No you totally missed my point. They earn over £200k per year between them - ergo they can afford childcare whilst they work. Problem solved.

If you want a comfortable roof over your head, clothes for your children, cars, holidays….then yes his job trumps yours. Does it not?

I’ve followed this with interest. DH and I work in the same industry, I earn 100k and DH earns 190k. I’m the more annoying one changing office days as I’m client led so need to be in when the client wants me, whereas DH is back office so has two set WFH days.

@OpalFruitsAreBetter we struggle to find wrap around care for the holidays and agree it’s a sledgehammer to crack a nut to hire a nanny for it. We take it in turns to do drop off and pick up, and work it out and both our employers are flexible (to an extent!). Your DH was being unreasonable as it sounds like it was just inconvenient as opposed to there’s an urgent meeting I really need to be in is there any chance we can figure something out?

Missing the point somewhat!

@Furlong1I think you can disagree with me without being rude.

Obviously it's only possible to work without pay if you have other income or means of support.

Working just for career maintenance/pension/skills because your childcare bills temporarily match your pay isn't the same as volunteering.

Not that there's anything wrong with volunteering.

In any strong, equal relationship, there will be times when one partner's doing more and times when the other is.

Earning less than your partner doesn't make you a lesser human being.

Anyway, I wanted to recommend to OP the book "Couples That Work" by Jennifer Petriglieri - it's explicitly aimed at couples where both have "career jobs" where they both care about their long-term careers (vs just having a random job that pays the bills). She explicitly structures the book and talks about how shifts in family life change the dynamics.

IIRC, many of the couples she studied (she is a professor at a well-known business school so many of them had MBAs etc) were similar to OP in that they started out with pretty similar incomes/goals and found that ambition attractive about each other, but then one partner's career took off (often, but not always, his) and the other grew resentful.

I found it really practical because it showed different models that weren't just "big job, pin money job and that's how it is forever" or "we are both 100% equal and neither ever steps back".

I'm not saying this is the case for OP, but at my workplace the next rung up from the £150k level is around £200k, and the difference between bottom and top end of bonus at that level is also like £30-40k.

I wonder if that affects how people think about it? i.e. DH's promo/raise he's gunning for might very plausibly match OP's entire current salary.

Yes I think that always needs to be a discussion, and of course if I’ve planned to see a friend but his biggest client needs an urgent meeting then his plans trump mine and I’ll rearrange.

But he’d never just assume that he gets to announce something like that without a conversation about whether I can rearrange. Sometimes my plans are important, and he won’t always know how important.

I think he is expressing himself very badly, but I would try to rise above this and have a non heated conversation with him. I wonder if he hoped that when you took a 50% salary reduction it would alleviate some of the pressure not just for you, but also for him in terms of being responsible for childcare arrangements. He could also be feeling the stress of being the main breadwinner- before if one of you lost their job, then there was still a high income from the other, now the financial responsibility is more on him.

If you’re not prepared to throw more money at it at least for school holidays, then I am not sure what the answer is. In previous years most parents worked in the office all the time and just had to make and pay for arrangements around it, so the dilemma is nothing new.

Even if he earns more, him arranging his life without ever checking with you is disrespectful.

Well if he was behind it then I think he needs to be more respectful of the terms of your employment - by asking you not telling you. As I am sure he would notice if you lost the income totally. But is he feeling the pressure as he is chasing promotion?

This, his job comes first, he is the one earning the money to keep the family living the way they are. He pays the mortgage and bills. You said you can live without your job, you cant live without his.

However, and its a big one. He shouldn't be a dick. He should still discuss things with you, even if you both know before the discussion that what he needs for work is going to be the outcome its still nice to feel listened to. Rather than "Im in the office Monday and Thursday this week" he should be saying "It would be best if I could be in the office Monday and Thursday, does that work with your schedule".

You both know youll make it work but you feel better about it and on the rare occasions you cant he should be wiling to suck it up now and again

My dh was always the main breadwinner, any job I did was around the dc, the hime and his job.

As we couldn't survive without his money his job was the priority that's just the way it was.

I don't know if it's very progressive but there was no point in me trying to make my job equal to his because it wasn't (in money terms) he earns nearly 10 times what I could earn. I did the lions share of the dc the home the everything and a lot of the time I had to be a sahm as he was away a lot.

However if I was working and he wasn't taking into consideration my job and what it entails like actually having to be in the office then we would have to have a conversation. I personally wouldn't be running myself into the ground juggling work and children and the home etc, I did that and it was too much, something had to give and it was my job.
Not everyone has that option, I'm aware it left me financially vulnerable but I made a choice for the dc and I don't regret it.
If he wants to leave me then he can go ahead we have a big house paid off, so I'll have somewhere to live and I'll survive.

Just because he makes more money, doesn't mean he doesn't have to respect you, your time or your job.

I think you’re being harsh on the OP.

I think you’re being harsh on the OP.

I think you’re being harsh on the OP.

My husband earns a lot more than me but I'm a teacher and he works from home. I have no flexibility so he has to take kids to and from school and he can have them at home when sick or he can use holiday days for Sport's Days etc. I think it's not who ever earns more but whoever has the flexibility. If you both don't then you kind of have to take turns to a certain extent (but maybe not if it's risking the job of the higher earner). We both share household duties equally in the evening and weekends. My DH is loving life right now cause I'm off for the summer.