Should DH's job come ahead of mine because he earns more?

I think the problem isn't which job takes priority, it's really just about DH thinking he takes priority over you. I strongly suspect he could keep his job and fulfil his family duties if he really wanted to put in a little forward planning. The problem is that he knows you will pick up his slack and he doesn't respect you enough to make it his problem instead of yours. I don't know how to solve that problem.

Yes - and the workplace is the same workplace designed by and for men, and has been tinkered about with here and there once women joined the workforce, but never actually designed for our needs.

But within a private household you’d hope that the patriarchy wouldn’t hold sway by default. Though I daresay I’m being unrealistic!

I think it’s important to always keep in mind that we live in a patriarchal society. And no matter what, our needs will never be a priority. This is a society designed by men, for men, and as individuals we can either fight against that or give in and accept it. And that has to start in the home and in our own relationships with men.

I disagree that that’s inherently because he’s a man - though I agree that as a man he’s more likely to drop the domestic responsibility ball, though it’s not a given.

In this instance the woman (the OP) is also still a high earner at £60k.

Really, much of this is down to society not valuing motherhood, and thinking that equality for mothers means women behaving exactly like men. But a lot of women think this as well.

Sorry, that’s a bit rambling. Lots of thoughts bouncing around.

But it does mean that he gets to ignore her needs because society is telling him that he is more important than she is because he earns more than she does now.

He treated her more like an equal partner when their salaries were comparable but now that she is on a lower salary his treatment of her is already changing. Give it time and he will start doing less domestic labour, less childcare, being less thoughtful etc etc. Because society tells him more money means more important.

And their children pick up on that messaging and perpetuate the behaviour. So it carries on and on.

He says that, but in Ldn, with more than one child, if you have expectations of a certain standard of living, then life is expensive.
You have already gone from a £250k to a £200 k household. Dropping another 50k is nothing to be sneered at. You won't be below the breadline on his salary, sure. But life is better and financially easier with both your incomes. He needs to remember that. Next time he says that, imply that you want to give up. I wonder what his reaction would be

YANBU.

DH and I have a similar salary discrepancy. The only diary clashes DH has affect his lunch break. If he’s needed for childcare (rare to be fair) or something at DS’s school he makes sure he keeps the time free.

Yes, if it was a genuinely important meeting you would have to be flexible but it sounds like your DH has slipped into you being the default parent.

The reality is that as someone earning 3x her salary, his wage is more important to their household than hers.

But - that doesn’t mean she isn’t important to her employer in exactly the same way that he is important to his. And she says one of the big things about her job is the flexibility it offers that her previous one doesn’t.

However, that doesn’t mean that he gets to ignore her contacted days in the office.

I don’t know what it looks like for you. I know for me I ended up asking a neighbour at one point because we were snowed in. Actually worked out marvellously as she ended up becoming a childminder for a number of years because of looking after DS.

I also did a lot of inviting for play dates at the weekends - DS was an only so it was good to have company for him - so I had favours to bank for the school holidays and was quite brazen about saying so.

It is hard when they are young and you’re working ( and then they grow up and you get to look after your demanding elderly parents sigh) but I just found it easier to focus on solutions rather than the inbuilt inequalities.

I fully agree with this. It says something about our society when wage = importance to this degree.

And let’s not forget about the reams of research that make the point that salaries for professions that are typically more dominated by women are kept artificially lower than those dominated by men. Because patriarchy. And so we end up in this continuous cycle of seeing men as more important than women in every aspect of society.

Sounds like there might be some mixed messages going on. I have noticed with DH that if I give him an inch of goodwill he will take a mile. Not because he is a bad person but just because he is inherently a bit more selfish and makes assumptions in his favour.

With us it’s about our dog that only he wanted to get. I have had to make it clear to him over the years that if I do an extra walk say if he has an early meeting, he must ask me in advance so I actually have time to have breakfast before starting work and just because I do something once does not mean I am default person for this task.

Therefore I would suggest that you make your office day sacrosanct and do not change it unless for life threatening emergencies. Or plan B you both find some alternative care for that one day of the week so you don’t need to be flip flopping on what day you go in and you have concrete cover for the 1/10 occasion when there is a genuine clash.

Personally I would go for plan B and get a bit of contingency in place. The cost is worth it for a bit of flexibility and sorting out extra care for one day a week shouldn’t cost you £2k per month. Plus it will stop the arguments.

School holidays were always a pain because of holiday clubs with hours designed for those working at them, not for the working DPs paying for them.

I also think there’s something in there about you convincing yourself that your job is still valuable and important. Of course it is and £50k is a great salary and worth holding onto especially if you enjoy what you do.

If your DH needs to go in last minute he needs to go in.

It seems to me that you need extra backup in case this happens, rather than be complaining about your DHs attitude.

This is my thoughts- that it is passive aggressive. He may be feeling the pressure as the main breadwinner now or the demands to get the promotion so the household income goes back to where it was. Not many households can take a wage drop of £50k pre tax.

Have his last minute clashes only started since you took the reduced salary job ?

is he choosing to work extra and go in at the last minute or is that a basic expectation of the job he’s choosing to do? That’s the key issue here - is he opting out of family life or does he need to focus on his work?

I have a friend whose husband has a massively intense job that pays really well and has really high expectations on him. He cannot be relied upon at all so they have their whole life sorted out on the assumption he is not available, ever. So if your husband’s job is like this then that’s the starting point for working out what makes sense.

if he is choosing to socialise with friends or go to some time intense hobby etc that’s totally different.

if neither of your jobs can work with the childcare hours you’ve chosen something needs to change.

I do not think he was 100% behind you reducing your salary as much of what you stated is passive aggressive. Maybe he felt he had no choice to say it’s ok rather than meaning it.

All those posters saying his job comes first because he earns more than OP - I wonder how you’d feel if your kids teacher was constantly off school because her banker husband had an important meeting to attend. Or your operation was cancelled as the specialist nurse was off work as her lawyer husband had to go into the office.

Of course salary is an important factor but it shouldn’t be something that trumps every other consideration, in every circumstance, all of the time.

@OpalFruitsAreBetter sure? But that's not really the point. If things aren't working for the family, then you need to look at everything again. It doesn't seem to be working to have two people with intense jobs and inadequate childcare. You either need your husband (and his workplace) agree to contractual days at home or you need to adjust your work arrangements or you need to pay for something else or... I don't know. I have no idea what options are on the table with this kind of money but it seems like you shouldn't both be stressed out about childcare every week.

I think your husband does need to communicate better and does need to respect you more, but I have no idea if he's 'allowed' to just say no to going into the office on demand. As I said, my husband and I can't do that - any contracted hours of work we need to be prepared to work in the office, at any notice period or none at all. So if that's the situation you are in, than something needs to change.