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AIBU?

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Original poster

another wedding one

31 replies

famtoxic · 22/07/2025 18:35

I've name changed for this one, but I have been on MN for years. We booked a weekend away back in january for end of this year, last week, my brother messages that he's getting remarried and yep, its on the exact same weekend as our weekend away. We aren't close, never have been. In fact, I am the black sheep of the family and have been treated very differently to everyone else (but thats a different thread). My mother has been on the phone insisting that I have to cancel my weekend away and she will reimburse me because it doesnt look good if Im not there. I will not be cancelling, its no one's fault the dates have clashed and it is what it is. Im being made out to be unreasonable, am I being unreasonable? would really like your opinions please.

OP posts:
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Original poster
famtoxic · 22/07/2025 20:02

If you aren't from a toxic family, you dont know how lucky you are. I am and i could write a book on whats been done to me and i get that some ppl on here will never understand. Thank you to everyone who's contributed to this thread, but i'll leave it now ive made my mind up.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 22/07/2025 19:58

I would try to make it work but you certainly didn’t want to so why asked here?
Your mum wants you there I won’t blame her for this, she wants her children to have good relationship probably?

ShesTheAlbatross · 22/07/2025 19:55

I wouldn’t cancel. And I wouldn’t expect someone to cancel a weekend away for my wedding. “Cancel your planned and looked forward to weekend away and come and celebrate meeeeee!”

But then, I’m not fussed about weddings, only had a small one myself, and missed my sister’s wedding for a reason I’m sure half of MN would have deemed unacceptable.

sheknowsitstoolate · 22/07/2025 19:54

Isitreallysohard · 22/07/2025 19:52

This, I'd personally cancel

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Shes already said why

Isitreallysohard · 22/07/2025 19:52

AvidJadeShaker · 22/07/2025 18:37

Why won’t you take up your DM’s offer and rebook for the weekend before or after?

This, I'd personally cancel

Neededa · 22/07/2025 19:52

Surely this has nothing to do with your weekend away? You don’t like your family, don’t go to the wedding.

Strictlymad · 22/07/2025 19:51

LaLaLandDreams · 22/07/2025 18:39

You can’t be that pushed out if he wants you there and your mum is willing to reimburse you.

It’s looking more woe is me than black sheep.

This

Original poster
famtoxic · 22/07/2025 19:49

he also booked his wedding last week, our holiday was booked back in january.

OP posts:
LuckyNumberFive · 22/07/2025 19:46

If someone is important enough that you must have them attend, you check the dates first, surely?

My two future SILs are both teachers. I wouldn't want to be married without them there so we're choosing the school holidays.

They didn't check with you, you have plans. Oops for them.

Aweecupofteaandabiscuit · 22/07/2025 19:24

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 22/07/2025 19:13

It's not possible to have healthy dynamics with abusive people.

Is it commonplace to check dates for your venue suit relatives before you book it? I've never heard of that. My relatives must think I'm a jerk 😆

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We checked with parents/siblings/closest mates before we booked our wedding.
It was important to us that they were there so we took the time to make sure they were free.
If we weren’t that bothered, we would have been like OPs brother and booked it and let the cookie crumble as it saw fit.

Ponderingwindow · 22/07/2025 19:23

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 22/07/2025 19:13

It's not possible to have healthy dynamics with abusive people.

Is it commonplace to check dates for your venue suit relatives before you book it? I've never heard of that. My relatives must think I'm a jerk 😆

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not Every relative, just your must attend guests.

having a relationship with abusive family is a delicate balancing act I have been practicing for over 50
years. Sometimes they do improve, like when they get sober or start seeing a psychiatrist, and sometimes it’s worth having kept at least a tiny chink in the wall you have built in case that day comes.

Original poster
famtoxic · 22/07/2025 19:22

oh ive already been threatened with being written out of the will and its all going to make everyone think 'we're a toxic family'. whatever i do is always wrong anyway. i would rather have a peaceful weekend than the absolutely shitshow carnage that will descend that weekend. my mind is made up and really not bothered whether i'm considered unreasonable. tired and done.

OP posts:
breakfastdinnerandtea · 22/07/2025 19:18

AvidJadeShaker · 22/07/2025 19:08

Sorry I was assuming she’s booked the Friday and Monday off for the weekend away and the wedding was on a Saturday and may not require annual leave.

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Oh you Monday-Friday workers, you 😂

JustAMum35 · 22/07/2025 19:14

@famtoxic I understand this all very well OP 😊 Your family sounds like mine 😂

If they’re as like mine as I think then it’ll be wrong no matter what you do anyway 😂

Enjoy your weekend away 😊

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 22/07/2025 19:13

Ponderingwindow · 22/07/2025 19:09

He should have checked the date with you first. Your brother is a jerk.

you still should be the better person and take up your mother’s offer for reimbursement. Not attending your brother’s wedding isn’t the healthy boundary that you think you are setting. It is a scorched earth decision that may destroy any hope of your family ever having a healthy dynamic.

It's not possible to have healthy dynamics with abusive people.

Is it commonplace to check dates for your venue suit relatives before you book it? I've never heard of that. My relatives must think I'm a jerk 😆

Ponderingwindow · 22/07/2025 19:09

He should have checked the date with you first. Your brother is a jerk.

you still should be the better person and take up your mother’s offer for reimbursement. Not attending your brother’s wedding isn’t the healthy boundary that you think you are setting. It is a scorched earth decision that may destroy any hope of your family ever having a healthy dynamic.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 22/07/2025 19:08

Just don't go. Post on the Stately Homes thread for replies that are relevant to victims of awful relatives, in this section you'll just get people saying 'but he's your brother!!' 🙄

AvidJadeShaker · 22/07/2025 19:08

breakfastdinnerandtea · 22/07/2025 19:07

How would she then attend the wedding?

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Sorry I was assuming she’s booked the Friday and Monday off for the weekend away and the wedding was on a Saturday and may not require annual leave.

breakfastdinnerandtea · 22/07/2025 19:07

AvidJadeShaker · 22/07/2025 19:04

Could you cancel the leave you have booked for the weekend away?

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How would she then attend the wedding?

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 22/07/2025 19:06

AvidJadeShaker · 22/07/2025 19:04

Could you cancel the leave you have booked for the weekend away?

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And just bunk off work for the wedding? 🤔

sheknowsitstoolate · 22/07/2025 19:06

You obviously don’t want to go to the wedding so don’t

Original poster
famtoxic · 22/07/2025 19:05

obviously, theres so much more to the story about family dynamics than this wedding. but the bottom line is, its his second wedding, my family have treated me appallingly over the years. recently, i had councelling and realised my mother is a narcissit and ive been scapegoated for years and im at the point in life that i am ready to cut them all off anyway and not going to this wedding will finally help me do that. thanks to all those who have replied anyway.

OP posts:
AvidJadeShaker · 22/07/2025 19:04

famtoxic · 22/07/2025 18:38

because I have no annual leave left at work

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Could you cancel the leave you have booked for the weekend away?

Original poster
famtoxic · 22/07/2025 19:02

HoskinsChoice · 22/07/2025 18:57

He will only (hopefully) get married once whereas you can go away whenever you like. I think you're being very unreasonable and, if you're already feeling pushed out, expect that to get a whole lot worse if you don't go. The fact that you think a weekend away is more important than your brother's wedding might well be an indication as to why you get pushed out...

its his second wedding

OP posts:
HoskinsChoice · 22/07/2025 18:57

He will only (hopefully) get married once whereas you can go away whenever you like. I think you're being very unreasonable and, if you're already feeling pushed out, expect that to get a whole lot worse if you don't go. The fact that you think a weekend away is more important than your brother's wedding might well be an indication as to why you get pushed out...

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