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Original poster

DS16 came home drunk at 5am

344 replies

Worriedsick89 · 22/07/2025 16:32

Sorry this is a ramble and probably makes no sense but I’ve had no sleep and I’m honestly shaken up. Just don’t know what to do anymore. Posting for traffic.

DS is 16. Went out last night around 8pm, said he was going to play football with a couple mates down the park. He doesn’t go out loads so I thought ok fine, bit of fresh air. Said he’d be back by 10ish.

By 11 I’m calling him – nothing. Texted – ignored. Called again about 12:30 – phone off. Kept checking out the front window like a mad woman. DP’s working away til the end of the week and he’s not even DS’s dad anyway, they don’t get on at all, DS won’t even be in the same room as him half the time. So I was on my own stressing all night. He doesn't live with us anyway.

I was this close to ringing 101 around 4:30am. Then just after 5 the front door opened and he staggered in.

He was out of it. I’ve never seen him like that. Completely gone – slurring, eyes weird, laughing at nothing, barely able to walk. He reeked of vodka and something else I couldn’t even place. Couldn’t focus on anything I was saying. He just kept going “I’m fine” then nearly falling over. I had to practically drag him upstairs, he could barely get his shoes off.

He’s been in bed all day. It’s nearly 5pm now. He’s got up a few times to throw up, looks pale as anything, sweaty, shaky, not really with it. He keeps saying he’s ok but he’s not. Not like any hangover I’ve ever seen.

As far as I know he’s never taken drugs before. Might’ve had a few drinks here and there but he’s never come home like this.

Bit of background – he’s been difficult for a long time. Got booted out of school in year 10 after refusing to go in for weeks. Was meant to do home ed but that was a total waste of time, he just refused point blank. Tried him at one of those 14+ colleges that takes early leavers, thought maybe something more hands-on would help – lasted about 3 or 4 weeks then got kicked out again for not turning up and mouthing off.

Now he’s at home 24/7. Sleeps all day, up all night online. He’s obsessed with his phone, I’ve caught him watching proper nasty porn – not just normal stuff, like violent. I blocked the adult stuff on the WiFi and he exploded. Screaming at me, throwing stuff, called me a perv, smashed his controller. Didn’t speak to me properly for days. But he found a way round it anyway, hotspotting off his phone. I just can’t keep up.

He’s angry all the time. Slams doors, shouts in my face, gets right up close like he wants to intimidate me. Punched a hole in his wardrobe.

Doesn’t have any real friends anymore, just people on Snapchat and Discord. Always hiding his phone, I don’t know who half of them are. Sleeps odd hours, eats junk, and just sort of floats through the days.

I’ve tried getting help – rang the GP last year, but he refused to go in. Tried CAMHS, he told them to piss off on the phone and hung up. Youth support won’t deal with him unless he asks for it, and he just won’t.

I’m properly starting to worry about his mental health. There’s been signs for a while but no one wants to listen unless he’s the one asking for help, and he won’t.

But this morning… this was something else. I’ve never seen him like that. He looked… like someone I didn’t know. And now today he’s still sick, still not with it. I’m honestly scared.

Would IBU to try take him to A&E?? I don’t even know if they’d do anything. And he’ll probably go mad if I try and drag him there. But what if I don’t and it gets worse?

OP posts:
Agapornis · 23/07/2025 20:41

Gaymers Inc are worldwide, not just London! It's just the in-person events that are mostly in London. I think it would be good for him to have gay friends through hobbies, even if they're far away. As a young gay man it's really easy to get lost in the world of (chem)sex and partying. Meeting fellow gay men who he knows through middle of the road, non-sexual interests can make such a positive difference in how he feels about gay.

(I'm involved with LGBTQ sports clubs, which a lot of people join to meet people like themselves.)

B0D · 23/07/2025 20:39

Oh dear he sounds very angry at both you and his dad. He may have been feeling very frightened when you had cancer. He may be pushing you away / asking for attention as much as he can and trying to shock you with his antics. It must be very difficult- this is not a judgment! Just trying to see from possible perspective of his. I was a feral teen and put myself in very risky situations. it was all a cry for help. I would be worried he is putting himself at risk with older men. Sorry not to be more helpful

Flannelfeet · 23/07/2025 20:37

CalicoPusscat · 23/07/2025 20:19

Aw I wish! It's been a budgeting week but payday Friday 🙂

Show quote history

Tell me about it!! Skint times here too! Think we both deserve a tipple on Friday and red lucozade at the ready for Saturday 🤣🤣🤣

Cheeseplantandcrackers · 23/07/2025 20:27

@Worriedsick89 I’m glad that you have support on the way, even if ds doesn’t want him there. Sounds like you have had a really tough time.

CalicoPusscat · 23/07/2025 20:19

Flannelfeet · 23/07/2025 20:18

You sure you haven't laced your coffee with a little dram today? 🤪

Show quote history

Aw I wish! It's been a budgeting week but payday Friday 🙂

Flannelfeet · 23/07/2025 20:18

CalicoPusscat · 23/07/2025 20:16

@Flannelfeet oh dear! You're making ME feel like I've got a hangover now and I haven't drank anything 😆

You sure you haven't laced your coffee with a little dram today? 🤪

CalicoPusscat · 23/07/2025 20:16

@Flannelfeet oh dear! You're making ME feel like I've got a hangover now and I haven't drank anything 😆

Createausername1970 · 23/07/2025 20:10

Createausername1970 · 23/07/2025 20:01

Oh dear, this all sounds so hard.

My son went feral around 14/15. Mainly weed, but other stuff too and alcohol. I had a few nights in A&E while he was coming down and raging, and having to listen to him making false accusations. He made one accusation about DH that could have had very serious repercussions. When he woke up the following morning and asked if DH was coming to pick us up, I exaggerated and said his accusation was being investigated and DH couldn't pick us up, so we would have to get a bus. He was mortified and immediately called a doctor over and said I didn't mean whatever I said about my dad, I don't know why I said it. Not sure if it was shame about what he said, or the prospect of getting a bus in the shambolic state he was in.

Now, I don't know your son, I can't say what you should or shouldn't do, but what I did was not engage in confrontation and had clear boundaries about what I would or wouldn't do. I would cook for him if he wanted dinner at dinner time, but my cafe closed at 8.00. After that it was cereal.

I couldn't force him to go to college etc., but I made it clear it was HIS life, HIS choice and I wasn't getting into endless arguments about it. Any comments about us ruining his life were not rebuffed, I just calmly asked what HE was planning to do about it.

I would often just take him a hot chocolate or a snack up to his room. I wouldn't try to engage with him, I would just put it down and leave the room. Sometimes I got a muffled "thanks" sometimes I didn't.

I do remember DH and I basically tag-teaming so one was in if the other was out.

I have nothing really constructive to offer you other than in our case we did come through it and DS is 23, since diagnosed with ASD and is actually very young for his age, but is working, has a good work ethic, contributes to the household budget very willingly and has said how much he appreciates that we stuck by him and that without us we would probably be dead by now.

I wish you well and hopefully you will come through it eventually 💐

Edited

Sorry, that should say "without us HE would probably be dead by now"

Flannelfeet · 23/07/2025 20:04

CalicoPusscat · 23/07/2025 20:00

Red lucozade? Not orange? Off to google...

@Worriedsick89 I wish I could advise more, but pp here seem to know quite a lot about services.

Show quote history

Yes!! The original one in the red bottle, the orange one makes me feel even sicker 🤮

Createausername1970 · 23/07/2025 20:01

Oh dear, this all sounds so hard.

My son went feral around 14/15. Mainly weed, but other stuff too and alcohol. I had a few nights in A&E while he was coming down and raging, and having to listen to him making false accusations. He made one accusation about DH that could have had very serious repercussions. When he woke up the following morning and asked if DH was coming to pick us up, I exaggerated and said his accusation was being investigated and DH couldn't pick us up, so we would have to get a bus. He was mortified and immediately called a doctor over and said I didn't mean whatever I said about my dad, I don't know why I said it. Not sure if it was shame about what he said, or the prospect of getting a bus in the shambolic state he was in.

Now, I don't know your son, I can't say what you should or shouldn't do, but what I did was not engage in confrontation and had clear boundaries about what I would or wouldn't do. I would cook for him if he wanted dinner at dinner time, but my cafe closed at 8.00. After that it was cereal.

I couldn't force him to go to college etc., but I made it clear it was HIS life, HIS choice and I wasn't getting into endless arguments about it. Any comments about us ruining his life were not rebuffed, I just calmly asked what HE was planning to do about it.

I would often just take him a hot chocolate or a snack up to his room. I wouldn't try to engage with him, I would just put it down and leave the room. Sometimes I got a muffled "thanks" sometimes I didn't.

I do remember DH and I basically tag-teaming so one was in if the other was out.

I have nothing really constructive to offer you other than in our case we did come through it and DS is 23, since diagnosed with ASD and is actually very young for his age, but is working, has a good work ethic, contributes to the household budget very willingly and has said how much he appreciates that we stuck by him and that without us we would probably be dead by now.

I wish you well and hopefully you will come through it eventually 💐

CalicoPusscat · 23/07/2025 20:00

Flannelfeet · 23/07/2025 19:25

My hangovers last that too now, plenty sips of red lucozade and sleep and I forget saying `thats it, im never drinking again 😫'. 😆 🤣 😂

Show quote history

Red lucozade? Not orange? Off to google...

@Worriedsick89 I wish I could advise more, but pp here seem to know quite a lot about services.

Buzyizzy217 · 23/07/2025 19:41

You have absolutely tried your best. It sounds like he’s destroying your life. He’s 16, I’d be asking him to leave. Sorry, but how long until he physically abuses you? Until the next session? Yes you did right sending him to hospital, think I missed the one when he was discharged, but it’s alcohol and drug abuse and that needs professional help. Early Intervention does teenagers as well if you can face more heartbreak. Can his dad have him till he’s 18?

Flannelfeet · 23/07/2025 19:25

RedSeven · 22/07/2025 17:49

Yes this!! As an adult they last 2 days!

pale, sick, shakes, tired are all signs of a hairy hangover and nothing more.

Show quote history

My hangovers last that too now, plenty sips of red lucozade and sleep and I forget saying `thats it, im never drinking again 😫'. 😆 🤣 😂

Original poster
Worriedsick89 · 23/07/2025 19:22

Some people have said about getting a CAMHS referral through the GP – I know I can, and I probably will try, but I’m just worried it won’t actually help. The wait lists are so long and we could be months down the line before anyone sees him. I was really hoping the CAMHS visit in A&E would’ve been something, but if he’s not going to engage then there’s not much they can do, which is frustrating.

He came downstairs earlier and had some dinner. He looked better than yesterday, wasn’t sick or anything, but didn’t really say much. Just sat on his phone the whole time and went back up to his room after eating. That phone worries me more than anything. I’ve got no idea what he’s looking at or who he’s talking to. Just asking him to let me see it wouldn’t get me anywhere – it’s locked down with every security feature going and he’d probably throw it across the room before he handed it over. I do pay for top-ups using money his dad sends, but if I stopped that, he’d still be able to use it on the WiFi in the house. So threatening to stop it wouldn’t really achieve much.

I’ve spoken to his dad properly now and he said he’s going to tell his manager it’s an emergency so he can come down tomorrow for a few days. He said it’s not fair on me doing it all alone, and he’ll stay with DS so I can get out for a few hours. Not sure how well DS will take that – he’ll probably shut himself in his room or refuse to come out, but I’m absolutely exhausted. I haven’t had a proper break in so long.

Last time I left him home alone was back in April when I went to the supermarket. I was gone about an hour and came back to find he’d emptied a bottle of rum from the back of the cupboard. Said he thought I wouldn’t notice. He wasn’t drunk exactly but was clearly tipsy, and then blamed me for leaving alcohol where he could get it (it was behind the baking stuff – I genuinely forgot it was there). After that I haven’t dared leave him on his own for long.

Someone asked about PRUs – I honestly doubt he’d even turn up. That’s what was happening with school. He started at a new school here in Year 9, wasn’t rated great by Ofsted but it was the only one with places. The school he was meant to go to in Year 7 was full and it was already a nightmare getting him placed anywhere.

From the start it was one issue after another. I’d constantly be told “he’s clever but doesn’t use it the right way” – he’d give cocky, sarcastic answers to teachers, argue back, refuse to do work if he didn’t feel like it. He didn’t make friends, partly because everyone already had their groups, but also because he didn’t care to try. He’d say everyone was boring or too immature.

Then the school refusal started – first it was on PE days. He said boys made comments and accused him of looking at them. I spoke to the school, they said the boys denied it but they did try to help – offered him a different place to change etc. He kicked off and said that was discrimination, that he shouldn’t have to be separated. They tried to explain they were trying to make him more comfortable but he wouldn’t hear it. Then after that he just started refusing when he couldn’t be bothered. I took his devices but he’d just sleep all day and genuinely didn’t care.

We had multiple meetings – pastoral, education welfare. I was fined. His Year 10 attendance from September to Christmas was awful. He wasn’t officially kicked out as such, but the school admitted they didn’t know what else they could do and basically said it wasn’t working.

I tried to home ed but he wouldn’t engage with anything. Just stayed in his room and laughed when I tried to talk to him about it. In September I managed to get him into a 14+ college. He lasted about 4 weeks before he was off again – skipping, mouthing off, not turning up. He had a free bus pass so I ended up getting the bus with him and walking him up to the door to make sure he actually went in (parking was a nightmare, I couldn’t drive him every day), and he said I was embarrassing and ruining his life. Then he started just walking out halfway through the day.

Multiple different people – including staff at the college and some of the school support staff – have said they don’t think it’s SEN. But then I start doubting myself and wondering if I’ve missed something, and maybe it is just my parenting. I feel like I’ve done everything I can but it never feels like enough.

OP posts:
AutumnLeaves95 · 23/07/2025 19:13

Hi @Worriedsick89 I’m so sorry I don’t really have any advice but I’ve been following this thread and just want to give you a hug. I’m 26, with a 10 month old baby so I don’t have any experience of parenting a troubled teenager but bloody hell I can only imagine how much you’ve tried 🧡

ns87 · 23/07/2025 17:13

I would also imagine OP's son would hate anyone involved at the moment, and it's not about her son 'hating him'

MaloryJones · 23/07/2025 17:10

bluecurtains14 · 22/07/2025 21:26

Why are you living with a man that your son hates?

She ISN'T
OP mentioned they live in different homes

Starlight7080 · 23/07/2025 16:50

It sounds like you are doing everything you can do.
It must be a huge worry for you.
When he says he will report you i would call his bluff and say go ahead. He is 16 . They probably won't care and will quickly learn he is not telling the truth
Also if he got put in care it may be a major wake up call for him.
Really all you and his dad have done is try to protect him. And he has behaved like a spoilt brat.

Mischance · 23/07/2025 16:22

I am sorry the the person from CAMHS did not insist on talking to you. Had they done so they would have realised that this is a wider problem than just one evening. I am aware that teenagers need their privacy respected but I would have accepted his refusal to engage but have spoken to you ... I used to work for CAHMS. At the very least it would have given me a picture of the whole situation and opened up referral to other services for support for you.

ns87 · 23/07/2025 16:03

He doesn't sound safe at all, I feel like he's hiding some really bad stuff.

What do you think he truly wants, ultimately?

RedSeven · 23/07/2025 16:01

Kibble19 · 23/07/2025 09:06

Pfft, he’ll tell the staff you scratched him? I’m sure people will rush to paint him as a victim here because “he’s obviously troubled”, but that’s not on.

Honestly, maybe he should tell them. They’ll alert SW and/or the police. Then when people are talking about taking him out of his home for his safety and his lies are exposed, he’ll learn something.

Yeah this.

call his buff.

he sounds absolutely awful. He is a compulsive liar and I think this is bordering on domestic abuse (him to you, OP)

what a horrible kid

babyproblems · 23/07/2025 15:54

It’s also very possible he is sending pictures etc online - it’s really quite dangerous. Another thought I had was could you organise a policeman to come and explain to him the dangers of online chatting etc..

babyproblems · 23/07/2025 15:53

Hello @Worriedsick89 glad to see your update.. I’ve been checking back to see how you were getting on. Good that his dad is coming to see him- he’s still a child so unless his dad is really toxic I think it’s not his choice whether to see him or not tbh.

The mentioning of men several times is worrying. I (think) I’ve read all of your posts and it seems to crop up again here and there… I wonder if he is talking to men online.. (possibly gay?)but the worrying part in my mind is if he’s engaging in sexual activity with men/older men (or anyone tbh) that is organising online and taking drugs. It could be a long shot on my part but reading between the lines I wonder if it’s something like that.. he is clearly deeply upset about something - maybe his dad? Does he feel rejected by his dad? Why does he hold this hatred for him?

Any chance you can get in touch with cahms again? Even if it’s just through the hospital and a chat with the same person you spoke to there to follow up and see what else they or you can do in the way of support.

I think you need to take his phone; obviously very hard to do at his age but really I suspect he’s not safe. I think given how serious this is now, could his dad stay with you for a week or so? That way you’d have some support and he might feel his dad does care.. I know that seems a complex situation and extreme but honestly I think without extreme action on your part you may well lose your son; either just to drugs or worse to an overdose or accident if he is putting himself at serious risk.

best of luck xx

TheLivelyViper · 23/07/2025 15:49

@Worriedsick89 Well you can still contact GP and ask for a referral to CAHMS and psychiatry (for a general assesment, mention possibilityof drugs and say your worried about psychosis down the line etc), even if your not they'll speed up a referral for that and get him a proper assesment. You can tell the GP all the history which you didn't get time for at A&E. Then maybe try and get in contact with the council around some form of education he's only 16 so still needs to be in full-time education. They can get him into a PRU (which can be great and offer better 1-1 support). If not in September try and get in contact with his last school and ask for better support, ask to speak to the DSL because they can still play a role of getting you in contact with other services.

Then maybe Google whatever your local area is IAPT services and self-refer to that. Honestly think it's poor of them to leave him after 5 minutes because he doesn't engage. He's been through so much, he's not going to trust strangers like that, therapy and services like it take time to build a relationship where he engages more. Good luck OP.

Original poster
Worriedsick89 · 23/07/2025 15:36

Thanks again everyone. Just wanted to post a bit of an update and answer some of the questions.

On Monday night when he went out, he told me he was playing football with some lads around 15/16 that live near us. They’re not exactly friends, but he’s gone out with them before so I didn’t think much of it. I was actually glad he went out tbh – like I’ve said upthread, he barely leaves the house most days. But today he’s told me he was drinking on his own.

CAMHS came to see him a little while after my last post. He was being sarcastic at first, giving one-word answers and then said he didn’t want to talk to them with me there. So I left him with them – but they weren’t even in with him 5 minutes before they came back out. Said he wasn’t engaging, told them he didn’t need help and to stop getting in his business. I tried to speak to them myself but he came out before I had the chance.

He was then discharged not long after. We popped into WHSmith to get him something to eat. He kicked off because they didn’t have what he wanted and then said he’d just get chocolate. I told him he needed something proper (partly because I didn’t want him being sick again tbh) and that was clearly the wrong thing to say – he shoved past me and stormed off. Nearly walked into a woman with a pram. When I caught up with him he started saying I was starving him and he was going to report me. Then he said he needed the toilet – he was in there for nearly 15 mins, I was just about to go and ask someone to check when he came out like nothing had happened.

He went straight to bed when we got in and he’s still fast asleep now.

His dad’s said he’s going to try and come down at the weekend. DS won’t want to see him but I said it’s his decision and I’m not stopping him.

If he was still in school, he’d have finished Year 11 this year – so college or sixth form should be next, but he’s saying he’s not going. Not even a different one this time. I can’t have a serious conversation with him about it because every time I try, he turns it into a joke – says he’ll do “OnlyFans when he’s 18” or find a “sugar daddy” and smirks so I know he’s not being serious. But he does it every time. Just shuts me down with sarcasm and acts like I’m the weird one for even asking.

I do worry he’s vulnerable re: older men and possibly being spiked. It’s something that’s sat in the back of my mind for a while now and in a way, I’m glad he doesn’t go out much. At least I know where he is.

I’m also glad now that my ex stopped him meeting that older boy back then – even though DS still blames him for it. That case with Breck Bednar haunts me sometimes tbh. I’ve tried to talk to him about the risks of stuff like Grindr etc. He’s joked before saying “Grindr’s full of old men that would love me” and then laughed when I said that wasn’t funny. Any time I bring up safe sex or boundaries or anything like that, he just calls me a perv and says it’s weird and “I’m not talking about that with you”.

He doesn’t have any gay friends in real life and I don’t know who he talks to online. That part really worries me.

Thanks for the links – I’ll check them out. We’re not in London unfortunately, so no access to Gaymers stuff or anything like that but I’ll see what’s more local.

Still feel like we’re no further on than we were yesterday morning tbh.

OP posts: