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Original poster

DS16 came home drunk at 5am

344 replies

Worriedsick89 · 22/07/2025 16:32

Sorry this is a ramble and probably makes no sense but I’ve had no sleep and I’m honestly shaken up. Just don’t know what to do anymore. Posting for traffic.

DS is 16. Went out last night around 8pm, said he was going to play football with a couple mates down the park. He doesn’t go out loads so I thought ok fine, bit of fresh air. Said he’d be back by 10ish.

By 11 I’m calling him – nothing. Texted – ignored. Called again about 12:30 – phone off. Kept checking out the front window like a mad woman. DP’s working away til the end of the week and he’s not even DS’s dad anyway, they don’t get on at all, DS won’t even be in the same room as him half the time. So I was on my own stressing all night. He doesn't live with us anyway.

I was this close to ringing 101 around 4:30am. Then just after 5 the front door opened and he staggered in.

He was out of it. I’ve never seen him like that. Completely gone – slurring, eyes weird, laughing at nothing, barely able to walk. He reeked of vodka and something else I couldn’t even place. Couldn’t focus on anything I was saying. He just kept going “I’m fine” then nearly falling over. I had to practically drag him upstairs, he could barely get his shoes off.

He’s been in bed all day. It’s nearly 5pm now. He’s got up a few times to throw up, looks pale as anything, sweaty, shaky, not really with it. He keeps saying he’s ok but he’s not. Not like any hangover I’ve ever seen.

As far as I know he’s never taken drugs before. Might’ve had a few drinks here and there but he’s never come home like this.

Bit of background – he’s been difficult for a long time. Got booted out of school in year 10 after refusing to go in for weeks. Was meant to do home ed but that was a total waste of time, he just refused point blank. Tried him at one of those 14+ colleges that takes early leavers, thought maybe something more hands-on would help – lasted about 3 or 4 weeks then got kicked out again for not turning up and mouthing off.

Now he’s at home 24/7. Sleeps all day, up all night online. He’s obsessed with his phone, I’ve caught him watching proper nasty porn – not just normal stuff, like violent. I blocked the adult stuff on the WiFi and he exploded. Screaming at me, throwing stuff, called me a perv, smashed his controller. Didn’t speak to me properly for days. But he found a way round it anyway, hotspotting off his phone. I just can’t keep up.

He’s angry all the time. Slams doors, shouts in my face, gets right up close like he wants to intimidate me. Punched a hole in his wardrobe.

Doesn’t have any real friends anymore, just people on Snapchat and Discord. Always hiding his phone, I don’t know who half of them are. Sleeps odd hours, eats junk, and just sort of floats through the days.

I’ve tried getting help – rang the GP last year, but he refused to go in. Tried CAMHS, he told them to piss off on the phone and hung up. Youth support won’t deal with him unless he asks for it, and he just won’t.

I’m properly starting to worry about his mental health. There’s been signs for a while but no one wants to listen unless he’s the one asking for help, and he won’t.

But this morning… this was something else. I’ve never seen him like that. He looked… like someone I didn’t know. And now today he’s still sick, still not with it. I’m honestly scared.

Would IBU to try take him to A&E?? I don’t even know if they’d do anything. And he’ll probably go mad if I try and drag him there. But what if I don’t and it gets worse?

OP posts:
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Infracat · 31/07/2025 23:55

Hope everything's OK. Been checking in.

AutumnLeaves95 · 31/07/2025 16:30

Hope you’re doing okay @Worriedsick89

ns87 · 29/07/2025 14:17

Hope you're all okay OP? xx

Sunflower10S · 29/07/2025 02:12

Worriedsick89 · 27/07/2025 12:44

I’m going to try the GP again tomorrow. He didn’t answer the phone consultation the other day – just let it ring out, and when I asked him about it later he said he forgot. I’m not sure if he genuinely did or if he just didn’t want to talk to them, but either way we’re no further forward, so I’m going to push again.

Someone asked whether DS is struggling because of me and his dad splitting, but the thing is – he doesn’t actually remember a time when we were together. He was so young when we split that to him, this has always just been the way it is. I’m not sure it’s about that specifically.

He came back downstairs not long after I posted last night and sat with us for a bit. He asked if we could watch a musical, but then said there was no point because his dad would just say no. His dad asked why he thought that, and DS said he wasn’t sure – just thought maybe his dad was ashamed of having a gay son and because musicals “aren’t his thing.” Ex reassured him that wasn’t the case at all – that he just wants him to be happy and safe, and then said we could take him to London to see a musical in the West End if he wanted. DS actually seemed really pleased and said he’d like that, so we’ve agreed to have a look later today before his dad goes back.

He’s due to leave this afternoon, and I’m dreading it. DS said last night that he doesn’t want him to go, and he got really upset about it – wouldn’t really listen when ex tried to reassure him and said he can message or call any time. He ended up going to bed not long after and is still asleep now.

For context, we live in the Midlands and ex lives in Manchester now – so not that far, but still not on the doorstep. He moved back there when DS was about six – all of his family are up there, and it just made more sense at the time. He still came to see DS often, and DS would go there during holidays and weekends before moving in with him full-time. I do think he struggled a bit settling in at first – especially starting secondary school in a different area to what we’d planned. He ended up in a different school to the one we’d hoped for, and with his accent being different to the local kids, he stood out a bit. They used to call him “posh” – it wasn’t meant nicely, but I don’t think it was full-on bullying either. He did make some friends eventually.

Then that older boy came into the picture, and things just changed. DS stopped going out to play football, stopped seeing the friends he had, and spent all his time glued to his phone. Ex didn’t realise at first what was going on – he just thought it was DS being a moody teenager. But looking back, I think the boy isolated him on purpose. One of the messages he sent said DS “only needed him” – and to an impressionable 13 year old, that’s massive. It became his whole world.

I really do wish ex had reported it, but the boy was a “real” 17 year old, and DS was having FaceTime calls with him regularly. There were some explicit messages between them – not just one-sided, unfortunately – and while DS shouldn’t have been saying those things at 12 or 13, it was clear he didn’t get them from anywhere else. He didn’t have unrestricted internet access here, so it all came from this boy. I worry constantly about it happening again – especially because DS doesn’t even see it as grooming. He still talks like it was a relationship. And the way he isolates himself now makes me nervous that someone else could easily take advantage.

When he came back here and started yet another new school, he didn’t really make friends. By that point, the other kids had all formed their groups, and DS just wasn’t interested anyway.

I read all of your posts.
To be honest the fact he brought up painkillers, I would think he is struggling with depression and using alcohol,THC and anger to cope.

As someone who also struggled with depression as a teen, my advice is to continue what you are doing regarding the small things and build up from there. The watching a film, suggest a musical you think he might like, order his favourite food. Don't bring up anything, let him be comfortable around you again and he will start to open up.
Maybe write him a letter and leave it in his room. Telling him you accept him, his sexuality. That you understand how it feels to be his age and the pressure to have it all worked out. Explain he doesn't have to, ask him what he would like to do if he had the choice and when he is free, you'll love to hear what that is.

Don't keep focusing on what happened in the past with that older boy. It's done now. Yes there is risk of it happening again but you need to build that safe space and trust slowly with him.
At the moment it seems the depression and anxiety is making him lash out and think everyone is against him and it's a hard to be in that place.

PixieTales · 28/07/2025 23:24

Posters telling the OP she should leave her partner because her physically and verbally abusive 16 year old teenager doesn’t like him need to give their head a wobble.

It sounds like he has a drug problem and/or a mental health crisis. He needs professional help not pandering to and excused for his frankly vile behaviour towards OP and his Dad. I would also be concerned for their own safety as PP mentioned.

TY78910 · 28/07/2025 20:25

I’ve been lurking on this thread for a couple of days now and I really admire your strength OP. You’re doing brilliantly in this situation. You and ex are really coming together for your boy too which is great - all you see on MN is exes at each others throats so that is refreshing.

When you first started posting your updates I kept thinking ‘maybe sectioning is the right thing here’ - especially with the violence towards you.

Then it seems like his calm has come through a lot more when you and ex started giving him dedicated attention. It’s almost as if he would start to get irate but when faced with a bit of TLC and a warm ‘we’re not going anywhere and we are here for you’ you seemed to have a breakthrough.

I do think you definitely need to keep trying to get professional help for him, but in the interim, why don’t you and ex sit with DS and make a calendar of set in stone regular activities you do together. So week one mum goes out to Nando’s with DS, week 2 dad goes to the movies, week three all go to the theatre? Perhaps he just needs to feel that someone cares and someone wants to be around him / do things? And I’m not saying at any point that you’ve neglected his feelings, I just think it needs to be a lot more pronounced and made a big deal of. Maybe in time he will open up more to external help.

sending you lots of luck

LimeQuoter · 27/07/2025 23:13

After reading your posts, I'm actually backtracking a bit on the suicide suggestion. It sounds to me like he's a bit overwhelmed, probably going through teen changes also and that he needs grounding. It sounds like youre doing a great job already, especially to hear that he is talking to you about how he is feeling and is excited about the idea of going places.

He seems to have strong feelings about his dad and your partner. I wonder would spending some time with him, just the two of you help. It sounds like he's overwhelmed by his feelings/or whatever is going on for him and needs some reassurance/comfort. It can be harder for teenagers to tell you when they need your comfort/guidance but it sounds like he needs just that, without your ex or partner there by the sound of things. He could talk to you more too about what's going on with him

Bubblegumicecreamm · 27/07/2025 22:29

TheLivelyViper · 27/07/2025 21:56

True but we would never say this for a straight kid. Because we assume being straight is the norm and anything else is different. Your DN might be bisexual, and hasn't figured it out or maybe she's straight. But we always like to assume anything not 'straight must be a phase. Especially when it comes to bisexuality, people always have the same line of you'll either become gay or straight later and never recognise that it's a whole seperate thing. Not trying to say your experience isn't true, just talking about the normal use of 'it's a phase'.

Show quote history

In the sense that most people are straight, it is the norm. It’s okay to assume most people will fall in the most common category as long as we stay understanding that some will not be in this group. Dismissal of gay or bi kids is obviously bad and can have an impact on the kid but it’s also good to let kids know that they can go through phases while they are working themselves out.

I think it’s better to be safe than sorry and to say “it might be a phase, it might not!”. That way they still have the freedom to change their mind whilst knowing they are accepted either way.

TheLivelyViper · 27/07/2025 21:56

Bubblegumicecreamm · 27/07/2025 19:28

Also… sometimes it genuinely is just a phase. That phase seems to be coming in younger now too. My DN was sure she was a lesbian for about 9 months at 11/12, secondary school started and now it’s all about boys and she says she’s straight.

Some kids are gay, some kids are going through a phase/ trying things out.

Show quote history

True but we would never say this for a straight kid. Because we assume being straight is the norm and anything else is different. Your DN might be bisexual, and hasn't figured it out or maybe she's straight. But we always like to assume anything not 'straight must be a phase. Especially when it comes to bisexuality, people always have the same line of you'll either become gay or straight later and never recognise that it's a whole seperate thing. Not trying to say your experience isn't true, just talking about the normal use of 'it's a phase'.

Agapornis · 27/07/2025 21:03

Sorry to hear his dad's leaving upset him. Please suggest that his dad texts/calls him every day, even if he doesn't pick up.

Will you be staying near the theatre? It is a fairly quiet walk via St James Park to the Thames, then along the Thames to the LGBTQ+ community centre (not far from Tate Modern, it will be busier on the south bank). You'll see Buckingham Palace, Big Ben, London Eye (+ slight detour to Downing Street). I don't think the Centre has any relevant events on for him that day, but it has a café, and he'll meet some perfectly average gay people.
https://londonlgbtqcentre.org/whats-on
You could do a 5 minute detour via Retro Bar (George Court) which is a relatively quiet gay pub (compared to those in Soho - doesn't serve food).

Re Manchester Pride, it will be busy in some places but quieter in others. Do check the route in advance and plan. There is an associated youth group for 14-18s that seems to run fairly regular free events:
https://www.instagram.com/youthpridemcr

More low key - maybe you could watch RuPaul's Drag Race UK together when it starts again this autumn?

Glowingup · 27/07/2025 19:39

SilverHammer · 27/07/2025 18:37

I know it's not the point but you and your ex sound so lovely together and work well as a team that I am wondering why you split up.

Ffs

Murdoch1949 · 27/07/2025 19:37

Your family is in crisis, as you well know. You need professional help for your son, who is drowning in his negative thoughts and feelings. I am glad his dad has stepped back into a relationship with his son, that could prove very helpful. Do everything you can to get him help.

Bubblegumicecreamm · 27/07/2025 19:28

Createausername1970 · 27/07/2025 19:05

And yours reeks of deliberately looking for something to be offended by.

For my son it was a phase to avoid stuff he couldn't deal with.

Whether this applies to the OPs son, only she knows. But she is asking for help and support in an extremely difficult time and I am sharing my experience in a similar situation.

Show quote history

Also… sometimes it genuinely is just a phase. That phase seems to be coming in younger now too. My DN was sure she was a lesbian for about 9 months at 11/12, secondary school started and now it’s all about boys and she says she’s straight.

Some kids are gay, some kids are going through a phase/ trying things out.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 27/07/2025 19:16

High heart rate also says probably coke. How much money does he ask for at a time cokes around 30 to 40 quid for a bag

Missedthis · 27/07/2025 19:10

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 27/07/2025 18:48

Sounds like hes doing coke and drinking using thc pen for the come down. The anger proves it. Yep dealt with this with my ex partner. And hes still an ex and still trying to get in good books but hes still an addict and I had him here earlier kicking off. So drug services.

“The anger” proves nothing.

Maybe read the many, very thoughtful, updates by the OP.

Createausername1970 · 27/07/2025 19:05

Glowingup · 27/07/2025 18:10

People don’t tend to consistently claim they are gay for several years because they don’t want to get a girlfriend yet. This post reeks of “it’s just a phase”.

Show quote history

And yours reeks of deliberately looking for something to be offended by.

For my son it was a phase to avoid stuff he couldn't deal with.

Whether this applies to the OPs son, only she knows. But she is asking for help and support in an extremely difficult time and I am sharing my experience in a similar situation.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 27/07/2025 18:48

Sounds like hes doing coke and drinking using thc pen for the come down. The anger proves it. Yep dealt with this with my ex partner. And hes still an ex and still trying to get in good books but hes still an addict and I had him here earlier kicking off. So drug services.

SilverHammer · 27/07/2025 18:37

I know it's not the point but you and your ex sound so lovely together and work well as a team that I am wondering why you split up.

ForeverPombear · 27/07/2025 18:26

I agree with him being scared and terrified of being left. He's upset his Dad is leaving and he doesn't want to show that so he's pretending he doesn't care.

It sounds like you've made so much progress. I think if you can get regular contact with his dad and he sees that neither you of you two are going anywhere and you love him then it might start helping to improve things.

Missedthis · 27/07/2025 18:18

He is terrified he’s going to be left.

When he sees his dad come back, and the plans you have happen - he’ll be a bit less terrified. He maybe can’t talk about it, he just needs actions.

Keep going, OP.

TheLivelyViper · 27/07/2025 18:18

Your doing so well @Worriedsick89. I think the musical is a fantastic idea and he'll hopefully really enjoy it. Plus even though he flipped out when his dad left, when you all go to the musical, he'll be able to build trust in the fact that you both care and come. But you're both doing so well. Look into any youth clubs for LGBT children - it will be people his age and might help him to not feel different being around other gay people.

Original poster
Worriedsick89 · 27/07/2025 18:13

One of you mentioned whether taking the painkillers might’ve been a suicide attempt, and I’ll be honest - it’s really been playing on my mind since. I don’t know if that was his intention, but it’s not something I can rule out either. He hasn’t really spoken about it again since Thursday night. When we’ve tried to bring it up, he just shrugs and says he was drunk and doesn’t remember what he said. I don’t know if that’s the truth or just deflecting. But the fact he brought it up at all - even offhand - is worrying. I don’t want to ignore it.

A few people asked whether he could go and stay with his dad this week. We did talk about it, but it’s not really possible at the moment - ex has to work and there wouldn’t be anyone to supervise DS properly during the day. I know it might feel like he’d be away from people and influences here, but realistically, if he’s looking for connection or validation, he’d probably just find someone else where his dad lives, if that makes sense? I don’t think a change of scenery alone would solve things, sadly.

We have, however, booked a trip together - all three of us. We’re going to see Hamilton on Friday night, and DS actually seemed really excited when we booked it earlier. We’re getting the coach down because it worked out cheaper, and the plan is to stay over. His dad’s suggested we go and look around on Saturday - maybe see the sights - but DS is unsure. He’s not a huge fan of London, mainly because of how busy and overwhelming it can be. But even just getting him there for the show is a big step, and I think he’s genuinely looking forward to it.

Someone also mentioned maybe doing something in Manchester together - Pride or a drag night or something in the Village - and that’s actually a lovely idea. DS has never been to Pride, and I think he’d enjoy it if he felt safe and supported. We’ll have a look and see if he’s up for that. I know it’d mean a lot to him to feel like he’s being celebrated for who he is, rather than being treated like a problem all the time.

Re the phone - I completely agree it’s a problem. He’s got it locked so tightly that we can’t access anything, and I know that’s not ideal. He’s still a child, and given everything that’s happened, we do need to be able to see what he’s being exposed to. Whether it’s older guys messaging him, violent content, porn, or misogynistic/“red pill” stuff - it’s all out there, and I don’t want him going further down any of those paths. But any time we’ve tried to talk about it or asked to check his phone, it becomes a full-on fight. I’m not sure how to handle it without setting him off again, but I know we’ve got to do something. I’m just trying to pick the right moment.

He kicked off earlier when his dad was leaving. Totally flipped. Told him he “didn’t want to see him in the first place” and that the only reason he was okay with him being here was because it meant my partner wasn’t. Said he hates him, he’s a “crap dad”, that he doesn’t care anyway and was just pretending all weekend. It was horrible to watch. My ex didn’t rise to it - he just stayed calm and ignored it, because he knew DS didn’t mean it. But still, hearing your child say they hate you… it’s awful.

DS has been in his room ever since. I knocked and asked if he was okay and he just told me to leave him alone and called me a bitch. I know it’s not really him saying these things - it’s whatever pain or anger is inside him - but it still hurts.

I am starting to worry again about the aggression. He pushed his dad the other day, and while DS isn’t that tall (he’s about 5’5 and I’m 5’3), he’s still strong, and being 16, he’ll likely have a growth spurt soon. His dad’s much taller and built, so I do worry about what happens when DS grows into that. Especially if he keeps having these outbursts.

Thank you again to everyone who’s been replying, sharing your experiences and checking in.

OP posts:
Glowingup · 27/07/2025 18:10

Createausername1970 · 27/07/2025 09:38

Good morning OP.

Hope last night stayed calm.

Could DS go back and stay with your ex this week? If ex is planning on coming back next weekend anyway, he could bring DS back then. It would give you and DS a break from each other.

A couple of other things that occurred to me, that may or may not be relevant.

When my DS was feral he was also stating that he was gay. I never thought he actually was, I always assumed it was because his peer group were into the boyfriend/girlfriend/kissing/sex stage and he just wasn't ready for that. I wondered if claiming he was gay took away a lot of the pressure. He isn't keen to discuss that now, but he isn't gay now, that much I can say.

Also, my DS didn't leave the house unless we went somewhere in the car as he could not deal with bumping into anyone from his peer group. Your son's reaction when seeing the teenagers yesterday reminded me of that.

So although your DS's behaviour has been more extreme than my DS's, I can see similarities, and a lot of his behaviours were based in anxieties which I believe were exacerbated by weed.

We came through it eventually.

People don’t tend to consistently claim they are gay for several years because they don’t want to get a girlfriend yet. This post reeks of “it’s just a phase”.

Iwantamarshmallowman · 27/07/2025 16:08

Are there any LGBTQ support groups in your area?. I agree with previous PP that you need to take a break from your DP. He isnt helping the situation.

ItssssAMeMariooo92 · 27/07/2025 15:25

Hey

I've been reading this thread and actually was one of the first things I thought of when waking up.

I may be completely wrong but your son isolating himself when your partner is there screams out how unhappy he is and he doesn't feel safe. I know you don't live together but your partner equally doesn't tolerate your son and in your sons eyes, he feels unwelcome and unsafe when he is with you.

It also reads like your son thought his dad didn't accept him for being gay, hence the comments he made regarding the musical situation.

It does seem like he has huge issues around his own identity and how he sees himself. I think this is something I'd focus on first, as well as the issue with your partner. Your son has gone through trauma and needs you and is screaming for attention. Your partner is an adult and is choosing to dislike an innocent child who hasn't done anything wrong.

I get how hard it must be, I'm going through extreme challenges with my son. You are doing so well. You've got people here wanting to support you, me included x