Reduced Child Maintenance

I think it’s incredibly irresponsible to rely on money from your ex that could stop at any time, for any reason.

edited to add that I don’t believe women have less earning opportunity as a result of parenting, they only have less opportunity if they choose to.

@MellowPinkDeer you can't stand women who expect the father of their children to contribute a decent amount? Women who most likely do 98% parenting if not 100% and have fewer earning options as a result? Ok then. No wonder there's no impetus to improve enforcement of non payment or you change the system so NRPs actually pull their weight. (Also fine to reverse the sexes by the way, but you specified women).

I think you’re fine OP, of course things need to change. TBH I can’t stand women who rely on these payments, they aren’t forever and life happens and things change. I get £750 from my ex but could happily function without it if required. Do your ex work? It’s up to her to manage her finances, as long as you support your son as much as you can in your circumstances

To be honest, we don't know most of the pertinent details...perhaps most importantly the amount of actual parenting the OP did / is prepared to do. As a pp said, if he is now retired, perhaps the son would like to see more if his dad and that would be a way to make things better.

My ex would probably describe me as "grabby" because whilst he does pay the CMS amount he has a lot more of his salary for himself than I do (we earn the same). I don't get to ringfence a % of my income. If our kids need something, it's needed and it's waaaay more per month than double what he contributes. Occasionally I will ask him to contribute to a particular thing and about 1/10 requests are granted. But he pays CMS so that's it. Anything above that is me being "greedy".

If I read it correctly he was more prepared for retirement. A lot of his pension was taken into account for the settlement.
And in a normal, good marriage a younger wife would pick up the ball if the husband was too ill to work, and get herself a job. It sounds like the divorce has changed the goalposts a lot.
We’ve had our lives change financially due to serious illness. It sucks, but you have to pick yourself up and all do the best you can. The ex wife here sounds grabby.

He was almost 60 when they divorced and the settlement was that ex got the house. His inheritance paid off the marital home mortgage and debts. The likelihood that he has walked away being able to purchase a new property himself, with a mortgage when his retirement age was 8 years away (at that time) isn't likely, even with a good job. Where would he have got the deposit from? Has op said he has a mortgage? It's more likely he is renting. With a £250 maintenance calculation, he's not on a lot of money. Covering the basics of housing himself ( and dc when there), bills and the maintenance of £250 may well be as far as his money goes.

It's completely irrelevant what you did in the divorce settlement. That will have been negotiated and signed off by a judge who will have thrown it back if deemed unfair. You said you were a high earner before so the split will have been based on need. How often did you see your son after the split? Im assuming nowhere near 50/50 given the CMS so that will have impacted your exes ability to work / childcare costs.

@JohnofWessex the ex has been raising their joint child so that he can continue to earn his large salary up til now. It's quite probable she dented her own career prospects in order to further his when they were married.

The issue is about what the op can reasonably contribute NOW and I would ask him again, what other areas of his life has he cut back on that would allow him to maintain his contribution closer to what it was? Is he downsizing to reduce his mortgage? Taking a look at other outgoings? Or just jumping straight to this as the easy way to save £500 a month?

@Intothesunshine you’ve still not actually cleared up when you told your ex you were dropping payments? are you purposely avoiding that?

you sound a bit bitter with the whole “she planned it” comment

I dont think that the ex comes out of this smelling of roses..............

If youre no longer working surely your son can live with you at least 50% of the time so you can make a proper contribution that way. Teenage boys are very expensive to feed.

My nephew gets over 1k/ month on an apprenticeship so doesn't really need financial support from his parents sure it's not enough to live independently just ,but it's not a pittance.

Sure..I don't think mine will, but that was just a scenario. Apprenticeships don't pay enough for them to be living independently so the RP will still be supporting them. I don't think an NRP should be less obligated than the RP. I'd still like to know what other cutbacks or changes the OP has made prior to this one.

This. Also run calculations through CMS calculator to see what you would be obligated to pay. Try to continue paying your DS the £15 week pocket money and contribute to new trainers, coats and scjool trips etc.

Mumsnet is obsessed with all 18 year olds going to " Uni" in fact many do work and many will be doing an apprenticeship.

If you are at home more perhaps think about shared custody. It means you won’t have to pay the other party as you can for child yourself half the time.

do you expect the OP to magic some money up then?

He maintained payments up until the last one so unless he has been explicit with his ex wife as to his financial circumstances (doubt it) then why would she suspect he’s about to cut payments by 75% - he hasn’t said whether he warned her months in advance or not. £750 is a lot for one child but sounds like it was based on his income which must have been significant at the time and maybe she has made certain financial decision about their lifestyle factoring that in because of it
(FWIW I get £0 now for 3 children and I have 100% custody and that did stop with barely a months notice so admittedly maybe my experience is clouding my judgment there 😂)

Fact is the child is 15 and she had every reasonable expectation to factor that payment into her finances for another 3 years. Teenagers don’t get any cheaper and then the university years hit - what was the plan when he was off merrily getting a (presumably) much younger wife pregnant at close to 50 to support his son into early adulthood? I get circumstances change and worst case can’t always be planned for. ….I also know a lot of people who were medically retired over age 60 because well they only have a short time left on the pay roll and it’s actually cheaper than having them back….so it’s not as hard as someone people think to get retired at that age.

I think you should go on Dadsnet

This is an interesting point - I think people are so used to men abdicating responsibility for children that it can cloud perspective on a situation like this. I’m married and my husband is higher earner - we have talked and made plans for what would happen to our children should either of us get sick or pass away and we have made provision… but it would still impact standard of living. I guess the difference would be my priority would be very much my husband’s health rather than the income related drop. I think you need to have conversation with your son about new circumstances and really your ex just needs to adjust. She can have her feelings about it but you don’t have to manage them.

I know and I get it, I’m also a recipient of child support from my ex and it’s frustrating that it’s a monetary value that in no way corresponds to the amount raising a child actually costs but, to me, this OP sounded like he genuinely tried to keep paying until he couldn’t then he tried to suggest an affordable figure and agree it after an unforseeable change in circumstances he couldn’t plan for or anticipate that’s all.

If they were still together and this happened and mum had to pay a few extra bills or a larger percentage of her income, that would have to be absorbed by the household.

I put that you are being unreasonable. I’m sorry your health is not where it once was. But I do think your lack of planning has got you in this spot financially.

Firstly, your son’s needs don’t stop because you’re no longer able to provide. If you were in a financially strong position before, then you should’ve made provisions through critical illness insurances to insure against this situation - rather than expecting your son to suddenly go without if the worst happened.
Instead, now it is down to your EXW to raise your son with limited financial support from you.

Regarding your pension, you would’ve had the chance to split that and the house, but it was likely preferable for you to forgo the house & retain the pension. It’s right pensions are considered an asset, because they are.

It sounds like the breakup was bitter, and it’s always a shame because it’s the children that get stuck in the middle and end up missing out.

All that said, you can only pay what you have. And to ask to reduce is not unreasonable. If you genuinely have no other way to fund your child then your EXW has no choice but to go via the official processes. It’s not for her to decide the authenticity of your current circumstances and is better for both of you if this is done in a more formal setting. You have to do what you think is best for DS and you, and EXW has to do what she thinks is best for DS & her. It’s not likely those two will align.

Again, I’m sorry you’re in this position because I can see it’s a tricky one.

Harsh, insensitive comment

Gosh OP, you have been given a raw deal and I am sorry for your experience. Your wife is being cruel and calculated. Human beings never cease to amaze me.
Having to sign your family home over seems extremely unfair.
Take care, as much as you can

You are still giving plenty to cover half the direct costs for one child. Your ex needs to realise how lucky she was to get such a huge amount of maintenance in the first place.

Edited to add, I think you should still give your son his pocket money, because presumably you want to maintain a good relationship with him.