Can’t work out how much DH golf is reasonable - help!

So how is he paying for it?

This is golf, it's like a cult, an obsession, a lifestyle....call it what you will, but it's not your typical hobby believe me. My DH plays every week, sometimes more and goes on several trips a year, finds ways of playing through work and every which way! He's in a club and what will be happening is your DH will be seeing all his golf mates playing a lot more often and he'll be noticing the ones who are up there every day or going on trips all the time. He'll be thinking that his amount of playing is a lot less and not unreasonable, and he's already missing out cos John, Peter and Jack are out on the course three times a week and going to 10 trips a year and he often has to turn them down. But then he comes home and he's got responsibilities (probably so do John and Peter and Jack and he can't understand how they "get away with it"). He feels stuck between a rock and a hard place, so tries to sneak the trips in.

Don't take it personally, this is a golfer. It's better to have a conversation with him about what's reasonable and for him to understand that you support his golf but that there's an impact on you and the family that needs consideration. Meet each other halfway, make sure he communicates and commits to when he'll pack and pull his weight in holiday preparation, for example. And make sure you get your breaks too. Give and take....but you're in a threeway relationship....you, DH and DGolf
Xxxx

$300 spent on himself? Send him off with his Christmas card and that’s him sorted until 2026.

I agree that the time isn't too much of an issue, but the secrecy about booking the weekend away is.

My DH does a sporting hobby that involves occasional weekends away (3 times a year tops). He'd never book one without checking in with me first because I'd be really annoyed.

Ex golf nut here. The one morning/afternoon and the corporate stuff I did myself. But there's no way I'd book a trip in August with school aged kids at home (plus holidays are always more expensive then anyway). And there's no way I'd do it without talking to my wife.

She would confiscate my balls...and not just the ones I hit round the course.

i would explain again what the issues are with him going away when there is a holiday to pack for and can he not go

if he chooses to go then I would pack for me and the kids, including getting all passports tickets etc together, and tell him he is reasonable for his own washing and packing and sorting his passport.

I would also not be leaning h8m any money for any golf trips, or indeed anything to do with golf

He can do his share of holiday prep in the evening or the weekend before the one he’s away, that’s no so much the issue, it’s the cost without discussing would annoy me. My exh was like this, he’s my exh!

How is he planning to pay for it?

yANBU- I’d be annoyed as well.

@Southern1964 the whole thing is out of order from him. The time, the cost, the secrecy, the entitlement, the lack of respect etc. I would also pick the latest thing as a hill to die on. Why do you have to do the donkey work of packing and organising for 5 people?!

Or triathletes 🙄, that's a popular thing to embrace when you have your first child. I am yet to see either here or with the people l know, a woman who prioritises some bollocks time hungry / expense hungry hobby. It's always the men!

Yeah, lm looking at the husband of a previous work colleague of my mothers. Followed Manchester United to an obsessional degree, ruled his wife and children's weekends for decades. The cost was ridiculous, to the degree the children never got a foreign holiday

One day a week spending until 1pm doing a hobby is completely reasonable.

In many situations a night or two away every few months is also normal and reasonable between most couples.

I don't think playing once a week is excessive. At least he's not playing Saturday and Sunday. You also go to the gym so you also have leisure time. So in that respect, it's fair.

However, I don't think the overnight trip is ok the weekend before your holiday. That's not fair because you have to get ready and that means the bulk of the preparations are left to you. Any overnight trips need to be discussed as a family to see whether they are feasible and which dates would be appropriate. He shouldn't be booking things without discussion.

And this, is the worst bit:
this is costing over £300 when he’s already spent so much already and I’ve helped him with some of it

Why are you helping him to pay for this? How do family finances work? Do you pay a certain amount into the family pot and you can spend what you have left or do you ensure that both of you have the same amount of spending money each month?
He needs to be paying for the golf trips out of his own money and if he can't afford it because he's already been on a trip this year then he can't go.
There's no way I'd be paying for his golf trip out of my own spending money and going without because he can't or won't budget properly.

I think you need to sit down calmly, probably after the holiday and discuss the last two points: financing and scheduling of the golf trips.

There’s a huge mismatch between his and your leisure time and costs.

Equality needn’t mean the same but he’s clearly taking too much.

The playing once a week would be fine with me. The trips away without discussion are selfish.

Make him aware that his holiday prep/packing is down to him.

Do not contribute in any way to the cost of his golfing from now on. If he has less money for your holiday because of the golfing trip then he is the one who goes without.

If you can afford it, book some time away for just you. Make the time convenient for you, not him. Then tell him you will be away. Any pushback from him you can point out this is what he has done to you. He can be default parent with no autonomy for a week/long weekend. Do no prep for him. The kids are old enough to tell him when they need lifts, what they need etc.

It's always male golfers or cyclists isn't it? You rarely hear of a woman prioritising her hobbies over her family and getting indignant when called out on it. Funny that.

My DH is a golfer. Usually one day a week, sometimes an evening too in the summer. And two weekends away every year. He always always checks with me, and won’t go if it’s a problem, and will cancel last minute if there’s a crisis at home. To be honest, I’d support this weekend away if we’d discussed it and he’d helped with holiday prep beforehand. It’s the fact that he didn’t even ask and just assumed you’ll do all the work for the holiday. I know my husband would have been repeatedly asking if I was absolutely sure it was okay for him to go, never just assuming, and being very aware of the impact at home. I do encourage him to go. There’s a large group who go and trying to find a date for everyone is tricky so I wouldn’t want him to miss out just because we had a holiday the next week.

I dont think it sounds like a lot of time to be honest. What would annoy me is if I'd had to sub his portion of the family holiday costs, but he was spending money on the golf trip.

Regardless he should have told you before booking the trip, rather than just assuming.

If he can't afford it how does he think it's going to be paid for?

My DH has a time consuming hobby (not golf) and probably spends one full day at the weekend and a half day during the week. So half a day a week doesn't sound much to me!
It also includes trips abroad a couple of times a year.
What is actually annoying you? Is it the cost, the inconvenience to you? The prioritising the hobby over other needs? (This has been an issue for me)

It's tricky Op as with 3 kids life is so full on - and what mother in the history of the world would just randomly book a full weekend away in the run up to a holiday? and not tell their partner and just absolutely assume it would not be a problem to leave their 3 kids with someone else?