Can’t work out how much DH golf is reasonable - help!

Too much time and money.

Dh used to play a bit of golf (we both did) but understood it would have to stop/become infrequent while kids were young, because he needed to give them that time. Now that eldest is 8, he is starting to take him to the range to learn a bit. No way would he spend half a day every single weekend checking out of family life to go off playing golf.

I hardly think 5 hours a week is too much! It’s on one day, so it’s not like it’s 4 or 5 times a week! Add in which I find it far easier to pack without my DH around as he keeps adding things! OP sounds a bit controlling!

As I read your post I was thinking ‘not a problem if they don’t have kids’ as I read on I thought WTAF I’d be fuming! As would he if you booked something that close to a family holiday and left the preparation and getting ready to him to sort. Tell him to do one. Rude and selfish to book without consulting first

It seems like you are the default parent. It's interesting that you say he does two school drop offs a week, so that you can go the gym. Shouldn't he be doing half the drops off anyway? So it's hardly doing you a favour, if he's not even doing his half of the childcare/chores.

I agree that having a half day a week to do his hobby is not unreasonable. But the fact that he is making decisions to just go away for the weekend without discussing it, when it sounds like he is already taking you for granted, is totally unacceptable, and I can see why you are getting to a point where you are becoming resentful of even the mention of golf. He definitely knows he's wrong on this, or he would have had no problem discussing it with you beforehand.

My DH went through a similar phase - playing cricket every Saturday and Sunday, and sometimes in the week as well. Not particularly expensive, but very time consuming. Plus football in the winter. Kids were older than yours, but it got to a point where we never saw him, couldn't make any weekend plans, everything at home fell to me. And then he had the nerve to moan about me going away for a weekend with a group that I volunteer with. After a big row, we sat down and I explained to him that he was taking me for granted, I seemed to have become the default parent, how resentful I was becoming, and how damaging to our relationship the whole thing had become. We resolved it - he now plays once per week, and only if we have no other plans. It's much better.

OP, I would sit down with your DH and have a chat about how you resolve this going forward - how much time it's fair to spend on his hobby, how it should be financed, how you are going to split childcare etc from now on. It's not fair that it all should all fall to you just because he wants to spend so much time playing golf.

Once a week as a set hobby is fine. Trips/weekends away that leave you with 100% of the responsibilities at home need discussed with you first to check it also works for you. I'd find it bad mannered and disrespectful to be 'told' after the trip had been booked. Or even worse, to have just found out by accident!

@Southern1964 We're called "golf widows" for a reason OP! 😂
I've only read your posts so forgive me if someone has already suggested this, but do you share an electronic calendar? If not, I recommend it. I put entries in my calendar and then send DH an invitation to get the time blocked out in his calendar (these could be social events or just things we need to do together and set aside the time to do) and it works really well ... most of the time.
My DH has played golf since he was a teenager (and is reasonably good) but only joined a club last year and plays 1 - 2 times per week in the spring/summer but less in the winter. He occasionally goes on a golf break (overnight stay) but probably less than once a year, but is very good about checking with me in advance about the timing and cost. A few weeks ago he double-booked himself to captain his club's team in a match with another club, even though we had a social arrangement for the same day booked a couple of months in advance by my BIL. When I pointed out to DH that he couldn't play golf because of this prior commitment he wanted to know why I hadn't put the social arrangement in his calendar. I suggested he check his calendar (which he obviously hadn't done previously 🙄 ) only for him to find that not only had BIL sent the invitation, but DH had accepted it - Oh, how I laughed! 😂 Anyway, the golf got binned and we went out as planned because DH didn't have a leg to stand on by not double-checking his calendar. 😉

Wait I thought you said you were having to pay it? Now he’s paying for it from his own disposable income? Which is it?

So how is he funding it?

Book a weekend away with the girls the weekend you are home and let him deal with all the washing and unpacking

He definitely should have consulted you about an overnight trip. Everything else sounds ok tbh.

I don’t think his hobby 3 hours a week is unreasonable at all. But booking time away and spending family money without discussing it first is unfair.

No one is stopping them.

Plenty of women have hobbies that take them at least all over the country, and away one or two weekends a month. It's not for everybody, but it's unreasonable to resent them just because you have different preferences.

what hobby do YOU do?

ive told him if he goes I’m done
that's such an extreme reaction. He's not doing much. Once a week and a few trips? Why isn't he allowed to have a life.

The only thing he's done wrong is not telling you in advance, that's just rude.

I think you are completely BU.

The packing does not to be done that weekend, he can do his share (kids included) before he goes golfing. I am trying to imagine my DH telling me he'd walk out if I go on one weekend away - the second this year? I'd think he lost the plot!

Then that shouldn’t be an issue, it’s his disposable income to do what he wants with, as long as he doesn’t struggle to pay the bills because of it

Women need to get more international hobbies.

He should also be packing for at least one of the kids, as well as himself. He doesn’t get to abdicate from being a parent just because he’d rather play golf. In fact he can pack for everyone except the OP.

I’m afraid golf is like a cult. Similar to cycling, triathlons and rowing (except most rowers retire before they hit middle age). When I was a student, I worked on the bar at our local golf and country club. It was primarily middle/old aged male golfers. Usually wanting to escape the wife/kids and/or flash their money and/or look like the big man. It was enough to convince me never to get involved with a man who plays golf.

Ok. But why did you help him by paying towards the 300 quid? If the golfing trips are to be paid out of his disposable income then he needs to budget accordingly, not rely on your disposable income.

Don't give him any more money for this shite.

Whose disposable income? His? Or family money? Or yours?

Don't pay for any of his golf, ever. Tell him he needs to pack his own holiday case BEFORE he goes for golf weekend, and DO NOT check it for him. If he arrives on holiday with fifteen shirts and no trousers, it's not your problem.

I feel your pain op. Yes there obviously is an inbalance of time and money involved with your 2 hobbies. Reminds me of my dxh.
I did aerobics at local gym twice a week. Needed new trainers.
He did flying lessons and bought a fucking plane.
Note he is Xdh