Friend didn’t show up

Why on earth do you feel 'humiliated' ?

So rude.

I've been in similar situations several times during my life. In all cases I eventually stopped messaging/trying to meet up and waited to see if they'd ever initiate things themselves. They never did. I still occasionally bump in to one of them, and am superficially friendly, and they'll gush and say "oh let's meet up! I'll text you!" but they never actually do.

I'm only really upset about losing one flakey friend, whom I'd known for 30 years and wasn't always a flake.

I've never called anyone out on it, but with hindsight wish I had.

You could text her the cost of the food she wasted and say she can PayPal it to you.

or you could just text "fuck you" or better still, say nothing ever again to her.

You say youre the only who makes all the effort.
I'd stop. It doesn't seem like she's bothered about you, sadly.

I had similar many years ago, everyone loved her, she was the life and soul, but omg, so flaky! It took me forever to realise that if it was convenient, she’d turn up. Hot tub evening round at mine? She’d be there. Film she wanted to see? She’d be there. Meal out but she wasn’t arsed? She’d be ‘ill’. I literally like the occasional social media post, haven’t seen her in years.

if you’re sure she’s not in an abusive relationship, maintain dignity, say nothing, make no contact whatsoever. If she ever gets in touch with you again be civil, but don’t put yourself in a position where she can humiliate you again. In other words, don’t make any arrangements to meet up in person EVER.

‘I’m busy I’m afraid but if you want to phone me for a chat sometime then feel free to do so’. Then it’s on her.

I wouldn’t give anyone the opportunity to make a fool of me twice.

Leave it, she got a better offer somewhere else.

I think most of us have come across a person like that in our lives. Show the same blase "contempt" for her. Block and move on. Nothing to salvage only more of the same.

Don't feel bad or anything, it's not you it's her.

What do you mean? She moans when she thinks people are off with her or give out to her and mentions in passing that she decided not to go to the restaurant or whatever. Then she will be hurt when she realises she has been blocked. I've tried to say perhaps they were upset about X but she rolls her eyes and slags them off.

> People are flaky because other people don't pull them up on it
I 100% agree with this

She is incredibly rude and hurtful. As other posters have said, she’s not remotely bothered about hurting or inconveniencing you. I would not pursue the friendship any more if I were you and would certainly never be inviting her to anything ever again. What a horrible character trait!

I think you're right, just leave it. What could she possibly say that would make a difference? Don't feel bad because of her terrible behaviour, only she is responsible for how she behaves. She could have texted you to say she wasn't coming after all, as a bare minimum, and she didn't bother. That's utterly shocking and I can't imagine doing this to somebody, even if they were a passing acquaintance rather than an actual friend. There's no excuse.

Just leave her to her own devices and reduce her to anecdotes about rubbish friends you once knew.

Really? I've lived in Turin and found the opposite to be true
People would be texting all morning saying how much they are looking forwards to lunch, that they are just headed for the tram or bus, that they are walking from the stop to my flat now ...
If anyone couldn't make it not only would they send at least one message apologising, but usually a follow-up inviting me to another event at their place or a restaurant at their expense

Absolutely no contact going forward. She wasted your time and money, unbelievably rude. It all sounds very one sided and I really would take a complete step back now. I wouldn’t bother messaging her about her rudeness because the chances are she won’t reply and you’ll feel even more annoyed.

Be prepared not to hear from her again as she probably won’t make contact if you don’t instigate it but really, it doesn’t sound like a big loss to you.

Why are you chasing a friendship with someone who doesn’t like you?

“Hi Flaky, it would be appreciated to be given the courtesy of updating me that you couldn’t be there on Saturday. I’d gone to a lot of effort with the food and I was relying on your reply that morning that you would be there. I can see you are ok as you’ve been posting on Facebook so I can only assume you had what you decided was a better offer and chose to ditch my dinner and not tell me. That’s not ok, I am really fed up with your attitude and lack of respect for my time and effort. I’m not going to rely on you to attend anything going forward, I will be civil if we bump into each other but it’s clear that you don’t value me so it’s not worth my energy to try and be friends”

or

” I am a bit confused about Saturday. You said you would be there but didn’t show up. What happened?”

I think the fact she’s posting normally on social media and not even messaged to apologise shows how much she cares. Usually I would be all up for sending a message to her but I don’t think she’s that bothered about the friendship which is upsetting for you.

I would focus on other people and not contact her again. If she does eventually message you then you can bring up her rudeness.

The 1 time I didn't show up for a friend. I accidentally got locked out the house (yale lock) with my phone inside. I ended up having to borrow a hammer and smashed the glass in the door so I could get in before the DC (both SEN) came home. I had tea cooking in the slow cooker so it wasn't like I could wait around for hours for a locksmith.

I would confront her!
If you don't want to come across as starting a fight make it jokey.
A friend didn't come to my 30th birthday party so I just sent him a text saying 'did you have a good time at my party on Saturday night?' He had genuinely forgotten and was really embarrassed and we laughed about it.

My suggestion wasn't about chasing her. It was about telling her that her behaviour is not on (for you) and that you're done. Closure, if you like.

That's not the behaviour of a friend
Don't invite her to anything again

Ditch her forever, but first give her an absolute row. This is peak rudeness. It's completely unacceptable. There is no amount of other redeeming features that would ever make me want to keep a friendship with such a person. She clearly thinks very little about other people

Leave it. One day she (might) remember you exist and (probably because she wants something) will call/text and you can reply…”I don’t think so.” And just leave it. If she has the audacity to ask why… (probably will). Just say “Honestly? I don’t want to.” If she sends flying monkeys out after that (to cover her arse). Explain that yes, it was just as brutal as her repeated, humiliating treatment of you, and at least you were honest.

Op she is showing you who she is. It’s her turn to contact you and apologise. I wonder if she is more reliable with other friends. I think you need to find friends that meet your effort and appreciate you.