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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend didn’t show up

259 replies

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 04:49

I invited two friends and their partners over for a late lunch last Saturday. Friend 2 is notoriously flaky but said she and her partner would be there. That morning, I sent a text to confirm she was still coming and to let me know asap if not as I would cook less food or invite another friend in her place (we have a small flat so only space for six people comfortably). She said yes definitely. It got to lunchtime, Friend 1 and her partner arrived and Friend 2 didn’t show. No explanation, no apology, nothing. Two days later I still haven’t heard from her. She does have form for this - she will often cancel last minute. But to not even let me know, especially after my text that morning, feels particularly hurtful. AIBU to think I should reluctantly give up on this friendship?

OP posts:
pestowithwalnuts · 23/07/2025 21:40

Themorningof · 22/07/2025 05:01

I can’t fathom then why you’d “reluctantly” withdraw from the friendship

a) she is jaw droppingly rude
b) she patently doesn’t see you as a friend worth keeping or one she values

I agree. Why are you reluctant?
You've said she's flakey and has firm for this.
In fact she's a rude bitch and doesn't deserve a nice friend like yourself who offers to cook a meal for her

Freud2 · 23/07/2025 21:38

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 05:09

The other thing is that for ages now, it’s always been me who tries to arrange the meet-ups. Total one way traffic in that regard.

I had a friend that was totally unreliable and was always cancelling our meet ups and it felt like it was always me who instigated arrangements. Eventually I'd had enough and told her exactly what I thought of her behaviour. I feel sad as we always got on really well when we did actually get to meet - she would be efusive and tell me how much she valued our friendship- how she loved me etc and then it seemed I was out of her mind for another 6 months! But it got to the point where I felt I had to respect myself and not be treated badly.

TeenLifeMum · 23/07/2025 21:37

I think I’d message her with “did you die?” Then leave it. She’s a self absorbed twat.

Freud2 · 23/07/2025 21:31

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 04:49

I invited two friends and their partners over for a late lunch last Saturday. Friend 2 is notoriously flaky but said she and her partner would be there. That morning, I sent a text to confirm she was still coming and to let me know asap if not as I would cook less food or invite another friend in her place (we have a small flat so only space for six people comfortably). She said yes definitely. It got to lunchtime, Friend 1 and her partner arrived and Friend 2 didn’t show. No explanation, no apology, nothing. Two days later I still haven’t heard from her. She does have form for this - she will often cancel last minute. But to not even let me know, especially after my text that morning, feels particularly hurtful. AIBU to think I should reluctantly give up on this friendship?

I would ring her and challenge her on this and if the explanation is weak - tell her that and how disrespectful it was to leave you hanging on.

Daygloboo · 23/07/2025 21:01

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 04:49

I invited two friends and their partners over for a late lunch last Saturday. Friend 2 is notoriously flaky but said she and her partner would be there. That morning, I sent a text to confirm she was still coming and to let me know asap if not as I would cook less food or invite another friend in her place (we have a small flat so only space for six people comfortably). She said yes definitely. It got to lunchtime, Friend 1 and her partner arrived and Friend 2 didn’t show. No explanation, no apology, nothing. Two days later I still haven’t heard from her. She does have form for this - she will often cancel last minute. But to not even let me know, especially after my text that morning, feels particularly hurtful. AIBU to think I should reluctantly give up on this friendship?

Does she have trouble communicating generally?

Samanthajamesjones · 23/07/2025 21:00

So time to post on social media but not send a message to you? Shows where her priorities are

PGmicstand · 23/07/2025 20:58

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 19:39

I’m going to leave it and see if she gets in touch. I’ll try and remember to update this thread in a few months time with the outcome.

I had a friend like this.
She bailed on me and another mutual friend when we'd booked a weekend away and paid the deposit. The two of us couldn't afford the weekend between us. She just told us to pass her her share of the refund when it came though.

After several years (!) of this, I saw the light. Almost every time we were due to meet up she'd come up with some excuse or other and then I'd find out she'd done something else instead.

Last time she suggested we meet up I told her to let me know when she was free and we could do something. That was in 2023 and I've not heard anything yet.

Pinkdhalia · 23/07/2025 20:43

Let her do her thing without you bothering with her anymore. You know she's unreliable and probably doesn't deserve being considered as a friend by you!

My10centsworth · 23/07/2025 20:25

Spindrifts · 22/07/2025 08:57

Just let it go. Simple as that. No b'day cards, texts, 'phone calls, meet ups, anything. There are so many nice people in the world, why do we agonise over flaky individuals who hamper our best lives. Read view mirror of history to her. Bye. Bye.

This.

Daygloboo · 23/07/2025 20:15

Daygloboo · 23/07/2025 20:13

I had a friend who did something a bit similar.. She would make dates and then phone up at the last minute with some feeble excuse. One time she phoned up to cancel a date going out for a meal. We talked on the phone and then ten minutes later she asked me if I wanted to go round hers instead. That's when realised it wasn't that she didnt want to see me but that she couldn't be bothered to make rhe effort to go out. I have up on her. I didn't get the impression there was something a bit wrong though. I think she had weird moods and some kind of insecurity going in.

Show quote history

Sorry that should read " I did get the impression..."

Flamingoknees · 23/07/2025 20:14

Might it be her partner who pulls the rug at the last minute? Still posting on SM means nothing.
I'd have to have a conversation about it - to be certain she's OK.

Daygloboo · 23/07/2025 20:13

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 04:49

I invited two friends and their partners over for a late lunch last Saturday. Friend 2 is notoriously flaky but said she and her partner would be there. That morning, I sent a text to confirm she was still coming and to let me know asap if not as I would cook less food or invite another friend in her place (we have a small flat so only space for six people comfortably). She said yes definitely. It got to lunchtime, Friend 1 and her partner arrived and Friend 2 didn’t show. No explanation, no apology, nothing. Two days later I still haven’t heard from her. She does have form for this - she will often cancel last minute. But to not even let me know, especially after my text that morning, feels particularly hurtful. AIBU to think I should reluctantly give up on this friendship?

I had a friend who did something a bit similar.. She would make dates and then phone up at the last minute with some feeble excuse. One time she phoned up to cancel a date going out for a meal. We talked on the phone and then ten minutes later she asked me if I wanted to go round hers instead. That's when realised it wasn't that she didnt want to see me but that she couldn't be bothered to make rhe effort to go out. I have up on her. I didn't get the impression there was something a bit wrong though. I think she had weird moods and some kind of insecurity going in.

PinkyFlamingo · 23/07/2025 20:12

Hope you're ok

Annmarie1967 · 23/07/2025 20:12

If she's not keen on meeting for lunch she should decline your kind offer. Maybe she could be a friend you do different things with but if she lets you down again continuously it might be better for you to not bother making arrangements with her.

Wadadli · 23/07/2025 20:05

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 05:09

The other thing is that for ages now, it’s always been me who tries to arrange the meet-ups. Total one way traffic in that regard.

I’ve recently decided to not to bother with a friend of many years’ standing as I always go to her house, she never visits me. Indeed, I’ve lived in my flat for more than 20 years yet she’s visited me here TWICE! I went to her home more times in 2024 than she’s been to mine and I live mostly in another city

Don’t feel bad, OP, just move on. Her being good company isn’t enough when only one side is making an effort

Wadadli · 23/07/2025 19:59

Themorningof · 22/07/2025 04:52

“Reluctantly”?

Sounds like she’s not remotely bothered about being friends with you anyway.

First post nailed it!

OP dump her flakey arse!

Sadworld23 · 23/07/2025 19:58

icelolly46 · 22/07/2025 05:03

I say reluctantly because she’s good company to be around, if you ever actually manage to see her!

Well then that's your choice, have a rude flaky acquaintance who is fun to be around when she deigns to grace you with her presence or get some real friends.

Hrft.

iseethembloom · 23/07/2025 19:38

Who needs a friend like that?!

I’d be absolutely appalled.

HurrayDuvet · 23/07/2025 19:33

I cannot stand women being doormats. OP, never see this woman again.

Retiredfromearlyyears · 23/07/2025 19:30

She is extremely bad mannered!
Just drop her from now on. She's not your freind. Sounds like she's treating you as an 'option' don't let her.

Louoby · 23/07/2025 19:25

I would be annoyed especially as she already confirmed that morning. I would just ignore her and not message until she approaches you. See how long she takes. If she is remotely bothered about your friendship then she will message you at some point.

CruCru · 23/07/2025 19:25

People like this are usually good fun … because no one would tolerate them if they weren’t. So you get a load of people saying “Oh, that’s just so Rachel!”.

The thing is, friends are people whose company you enjoy and who you leave feeling better about yourself and the world. This isn’t the case here. So invest in people who turn up when they say they will and don’t leave you feeling like crap.

Some people will say to block her … it’s up to you but I would probably just archive her on WhatsApp (provided you don’t just keep checking your archive).

Dancingintherain09 · 23/07/2025 19:24

Personally I would say give up completely but definitely stop inviting her. Only gio to things you're invited to by her or both invited to. But stop being the initiator of the relationship, this way you will see where her priorities lay. No more inviting her to group stuff. Invite friends that show up for you...then post the fun on socials.

smallsilvercloud · 23/07/2025 19:12

It’s rude of her, she should have declined your invite rather than just not turning up, she’s not interested, so just let it go and don’t bother with her again.

SassyRoseLemur · 23/07/2025 19:08

OP I know it's really hard to take when we don't understand someone else's behaviour, especially when it hurts us. What I would say is that you invited 2 friends; one showed up - focus your energy on the friend that did show up and in your head, thank the no-show for making room for another new friend. I'm afraid the no-show is unlikely to change and it's nothing you've done, it's the way she's programmed. Hope you're ok.