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Original poster

Is this abuse or is he mentally unwell

162 replies

Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 22:46

Me and DP have been together 7 years

Relationship has plod along and he seems to be quite dependant on me. Doesn’t do anything really around the house, doesn’t take me out really. I often pay for everything

The reason I ask is for years DP has had what I think are delusions? Every argument is my fault and I have to resolve it and apologise.

For example - He is a nasty person when he’s drunk, will ignore me all night, stay out without telling me or come home and just verbally abuse me or start an argument. For this reason my anxiety is through the roof if he’s had a drink. He will stay out all night then shout at me in the morning for being annoyed that he doesn’t contact me or even let me know he’s staying out. I will then have to apologise and he will call me controlling.

Another example - I had a laparoscopy for endometriosis recently as I’m struggling. The anaesthetic put me out for almost a week and I felt so run down and tired, also severe menstrual cramps. I hadn’t done any washing in 3 days. DP claims he doesn’t know how to use the washer. He then screams at me that I’m lazy and a tramp and once again I apologise and do the jobs.

He will clean up once every month, then like clockwork will shout at me and call me names because he “is sick of cleaning and cleaning the whole fucking house whilst I’m sat on my arse” once again - I’m lazy and a tramp. I again apologise.

I want to leave the relationship anyway, he calls me names and isn’t attentive or nice in any way except when he wants sex. Which I no longer want to do with him because he is so unkind to me.

It’s frying my brain, I don’t know whether I’m allowed to be angry, whether I’m unreasonable for being angry or whether I am actually controlling or if he’s mentally ill. He truly seems to believe these delusions that every single issue is caused by me.

I am confused.

OP posts:
Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 21/07/2025 23:29

Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 22:58

He dumps me usually after the stay out all night drinking episodes. Stays at a family members texting me all day how I’m a control freak and it’s over and he’s not coming back so that I apologise and the usual.

I wonder partly if it was mental health issues would I be able to get him help.

If he’s staying out all night, I’d bet anything it goes far beyond 4-6 Stellas.

Regardless of whether he’s just plain old abusive or there’s some MH and addiction thrown in the mix, the bottom line is that he needs to get help himself. There’s nothing you can do on your end and the sooner you understand that, the sooner you can focus on your own well being.

My DP was an addict and before he sorted himself out, we had some truly horrendous times - but the only reason I decided to work on it was because I honestly can’t remember a time he even raised his voice at me. As it stands, your partner is being abusive and seems to use you. If you’re paying for everything, the money is going somewhere else. I bet it’s not Stellas.

Vaxtable · 21/07/2025 23:28

Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:25

I don’t think he’ll ever address his issues because ever since he’s met me every single thing has either been my fault, my responsibility or my job to sort out. Bills, money, fucking laundry!

Im lay here in bed after a whole day of texting how controlling I am and abusive and how he’s entitled to have a beer and he’s not coming back and it’s just realising now he is nicer to his mother, a heroin addict who neglected him his whole life, than me, when I have done so much for him.

So don’t apologise and don’t let him back. Pull together his things, tell him in the morning to come and collect them and don’t let him back in your life

Original poster
Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:28

It’s like he hates me. He says he loves me but I don’t feel loved. I don’t even know what it would be like to feel loved.

He never defends me either. One of his family members borrowed money from me a couple of years ago, never paid it back and has ignored me ever since, gone on 3/4 holidays a year and he is so nice to them. Anyone who hasn’t been nice to me or has upset me in some way he seems to go out of his way to be extra nice to. It’s like he does it on purpose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:25

I don’t think he’ll ever address his issues because ever since he’s met me every single thing has either been my fault, my responsibility or my job to sort out. Bills, money, fucking laundry!

Im lay here in bed after a whole day of texting how controlling I am and abusive and how he’s entitled to have a beer and he’s not coming back and it’s just realising now he is nicer to his mother, a heroin addict who neglected him his whole life, than me, when I have done so much for him.

OP posts:
SummerInSun · 21/07/2025 23:24

Why does it matter whether he “believes” it’s your job to do all the laundry even when you are post-surgery or not? If he does believe it, he is a selfish abusive jerk who wants to torment you into living in a very bad marriage from 1955. If he doesn’t believe it but is saying it to upset you, he’s a selfish abusive jerk who wants to torment you for his own amusement.

There is NO mental health condition here that you can fix, or which would excuse his behaviour. You seem to think that you leaving if he is mentally ill would be like leaving a wheelchair-bound partner because he couldn’t go mountain climbing with you. That’s nonsense. He is an awful abusive person and you must get out.

SpryCat · 21/07/2025 23:23

He is not delusional, he is deliberately abusing you, controlling you, and then trying to convince you, that it’s you, who is at fault. He is deliberately playing mind games, to make you think you are losing your mind. He isn’t mentally unwell, he is just an abusive cunt who loves to use you as his emotional punch bag.
You need to leave him asap.

JLou08 · 21/07/2025 23:22

Nothing there says mental health. He isn't delusional, he is gaslighting you. I do believe some people lose control when they are drunk but if they do it's on them to not drink. Not that it really matters in this case because he sounds like he is a twat when he is sober too.

sunshine244 · 21/07/2025 23:21

I've been there for years. My ex probably was mentally unwell, and I am certain autistic and ADHD too. But the main issue was that he absolutely refused to acknowledge the issues and get help.

Women's Aid were absolutely wonderful for me when I finally plucked up courage to go. It made me realise that the reason for the abuse was irrelevant when he was refusing to help himself.

Don't leave without support though - speak to a DV service first especially if you have children.

Original poster
Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:18

I didn’t mean to cause offence, the only thing that makes me wonder if there’s something mental health related going on is that he truly seems to believe these weird things that he says.

He believes I am at fault for not washing his clothes after my surgery but he isn’t at fault for not doing.
Im at fault for not bringing his tea in every night or he believes im a “fucking lazy cunt” for not cooking a roast at 10pm. I’ve never ever known anything like it before and I dunno if my eyes are opening as this has been my normal since 2018 but something isn’t right. Do abusers genuinely believe their delusions.

OP posts:
Fleetheart · 21/07/2025 23:17

You may have a natural inclination to be a fixer, I know I did. What is your own family background. But believe me if he can be nice to others, he doesn’t need to do this to you.

Fleetheart · 21/07/2025 23:16

Please look up co-dependent. You think that you can help him. But you can’t. I promise. I have been there You need to let him be the adult and stop blaming you. Really- think of yourself. You must respect yourself and get out of this.

Original poster
Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:14

The reason I ask re mental illness is my partner has endured a lot of childhood trauma. Addict parents, family members didn’t step in to help, other siblings taken in to care.

I wondered maybe could this sort of behaviour arise from PTSD or something.
He is so nice to these family members, but not me. It’s like he has to mask all the time as a nice person then unleashes all his nasty shit on to me.

It is real, unfortunately, it is my life.

OP posts:
unsevered67 · 21/07/2025 23:13

He is abusive and you need to get yourself out of this relationship.
Its actually unfair to people who have genuine problems with mental illness to even suggest it causes this kind of horrible behaviour.
If you stay than it’s your mental health that will be at risk

Theunamedcat · 21/07/2025 23:12

He can be mentally ill and still be abusive he can also be abusive and not be mentally ill the point is

You deserve better

You need to leave

SilverHammer · 21/07/2025 23:10

Stop making excuses for this piece of shit. He is not going to change. Tell him it’s over and kick him out.

SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach · 21/07/2025 23:10

Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 22:58

He dumps me usually after the stay out all night drinking episodes. Stays at a family members texting me all day how I’m a control freak and it’s over and he’s not coming back so that I apologise and the usual.

I wonder partly if it was mental health issues would I be able to get him help.

Just in case this is real…

WTF are you tolerating this shit?

BountifulPantry · 21/07/2025 23:08

He is abusive love you need to leave him 100%

HowToTrainYourDragonfruit · 21/07/2025 23:07

You can't "get him help", he would have to get him help.

Say for a minute, you're right, he is mentally ill. You're actually enabling it by sticking around, clearing up his piss (eughhhhh!!!) and making him feel like a functional member of society.

You must leave him, say look Fred, your drinking and mental illness is so out of control you have abused a person who loves you. Please get yourself help. Bye.

You won't help him by sacrificing yourself. He is abusive. He can't love you and you can't help him. Whatever the reason he is like this, it will not be improved by you sticking around to be abused.

Applecrumble24 · 21/07/2025 23:05

Absolute scum, get rid.

IsItTheBlackOneOrTheRedOne · 21/07/2025 23:04

FreewomaninParis · 21/07/2025 23:03

He’s not mentally ill, he’s an abusive cunt

Came here to say this word for word.

FreewomaninParis · 21/07/2025 23:03

He’s not mentally ill, he’s an abusive cunt

StormsAreDue · 21/07/2025 23:01

He's abusive please leave him. Hes abusive.

Laura95167 · 21/07/2025 23:01

2 things can be true at once. He may be mentally ill.

But hes definitely an abusive pig. You are angry for good cause. LTB

Original poster
Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:00

He is surrounded by yes men. His family know how he is with me, especially after a drink, yet will encourage him to go round theirs, sink 6-7 cans of Stella then send him back here so I can be called all the names under the sun and clean his piss off the carpet.

My family absolutely hate him and are quite sick of us being together because I guess I too have turned into a yes man.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 21/07/2025 23:00

Just leave. He's not mentally ill, he's a nasty abusive drunk. Don't put up with this for one more day. If he's moved into your house then don't leave, kick him out.

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