Page 5 | Is this abuse or is he mentally unwell

Original poster

Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:57

I’m 27.

When I was 23 he actually left me, unsure the real reason but apparently I was starting arguments all the time. I didn’t think I was but he was being particularly vile at that time and I was upset quite a lot. He gets annoyed when I’m upset and I don’t snap out of it immediately.

He was gone for 6 weeks, sent texts every day moaning how he hates his shared house and it’s all my fault. I said come home and he wasn’t having any of it. Sat on his sad Facebook all day every day adding women and liking photos etc.

He wasn’t able to afford his shared house so he ended up back here professing his love to me etc etc. stupidly I fell for it, but at that time I almost felt a glimpse of the old me was back. I regret that day so so so much.

OP posts:

thecomedyofterrors · 21/07/2025 23:56

You are so young and have so much life to live and be happy. He is not your responsibility. You cannot, will not, be ever able to change him. He is vile and abusing you. You can and should live with dignity and self-respect, calmly and choosing how to enjoy life. You are bonded to him by trauma- by abuse, so seek help to get free. Just because it’s not easy doesn’t mean it’s not 100% right thing to do.

everythingthelighttouches · 21/07/2025 23:56

How much is the rent?

Original poster

Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:54

House is rented. Joint tenancy, he gives me £200 a month begrudgingly towards rent and bills. The household outgoings are £1400. I work full time and attend night school one day a week for my college course.

My relationship with my family is an odd one. They hate him, absolutely hate him and want me to be away from him, but once it begins to effect them, aka me staying there for a while, they lose sympathy and it becomes all about how they’re effected by what’s happening so staying with family is not something I want to do plus I like my house, I’ve spent a lot of money on it and I don’t really want to leave.

OP posts:

HigherWaffle · 21/07/2025 23:52

How old are you, OP?

Original poster

Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:51

Would that apply to abuse too. He isn’t an addict, he does this once a month.
However is vile and sober the rest of the time

OP posts:

everythingthelighttouches · 21/07/2025 23:50

Do you own the house together or rent?
do you have a job?
do you have family you can go to?

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 21/07/2025 23:48

@Deletingafter you need counselling to help you move on from this and help you learn to accept self care.

Addicts (even the nicest addicts) rob you of your identity, your existence just becomes consumed by them. You’re too young to be stuck in that hole.

Original poster

Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:47

I don’t understand my own feelings.

All the comments, which are true and the wake up call I definitely need, should hurt

It should hurt people saying that your partner doesn’t love you, doesn’t like you, probably cheats on you and uses you. Why doesn’t it bother me hearing these words. Why am I not upset. Why do I feel so damn numb.

OP posts:

Original poster

Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:46

I don’t know how he’d behave if I had a proper social life. I don’t know why I all of a sudden don’t want one. I don’t want friends.

I think deep down I asked the original thread because I don’t feel normal myself. I don’t want friends I don’t really want to talk to people. I’m happy to be indoors after work and on weekends. I’m only 27 but at the minute I feel like a spinster.

OP posts:

HigherWaffle · 21/07/2025 23:44

Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 22:46

Me and DP have been together 7 years

Relationship has plod along and he seems to be quite dependant on me. Doesn’t do anything really around the house, doesn’t take me out really. I often pay for everything

The reason I ask is for years DP has had what I think are delusions? Every argument is my fault and I have to resolve it and apologise.

For example - He is a nasty person when he’s drunk, will ignore me all night, stay out without telling me or come home and just verbally abuse me or start an argument. For this reason my anxiety is through the roof if he’s had a drink. He will stay out all night then shout at me in the morning for being annoyed that he doesn’t contact me or even let me know he’s staying out. I will then have to apologise and he will call me controlling.

Another example - I had a laparoscopy for endometriosis recently as I’m struggling. The anaesthetic put me out for almost a week and I felt so run down and tired, also severe menstrual cramps. I hadn’t done any washing in 3 days. DP claims he doesn’t know how to use the washer. He then screams at me that I’m lazy and a tramp and once again I apologise and do the jobs.

He will clean up once every month, then like clockwork will shout at me and call me names because he “is sick of cleaning and cleaning the whole fucking house whilst I’m sat on my arse” once again - I’m lazy and a tramp. I again apologise.

I want to leave the relationship anyway, he calls me names and isn’t attentive or nice in any way except when he wants sex. Which I no longer want to do with him because he is so unkind to me.

It’s frying my brain, I don’t know whether I’m allowed to be angry, whether I’m unreasonable for being angry or whether I am actually controlling or if he’s mentally ill. He truly seems to believe these delusions that every single issue is caused by me.

I am confused.

This is awful. I have been there. Get out of it. You are worth so much more than this crap he is dishing out. xxx

justasking111 · 21/07/2025 23:43

Pack a bag, go to your family. Don't be there when he gets home.

He puts alcohol, drugs before you.

SpryCat · 21/07/2025 23:43

You haven’t done anything wrong, he’s abusing you because you are in his life, taking his shit and paying his way. This is his cycle of abuse, no matter who he has a relationship with.

Original poster

Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:43

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 21/07/2025 23:39

Run for your life. It’s only a matter of time (if not already) until he starts cheating on you with a fellow user who will be happy to enable his addiction and help paint you as the mean controlling witch.

Cocaine turns people into horrendous, selfish monsters. If you don’t walk out now he’ll only drag you down even further.

It might be his wake up call, it may not. But right now you need to leave this abusive bastard.

Show quote history

He’s selfish without cocaine
He says he’s never cheated on me, yet over the years when the cycle started he’d “dump” me then add loads of random women on his Facebook and literally sit there all day liking all their pictures.

Plus we went out once with his uncle, auntie and her friend, he was inebriated and decided to sit infront of this friend and tell her how pretty she was whilst I sat next to him. I left their house and he went somewhere else apparently. The family would point blank lie to my face to protect their own. (They’ve done it before!!)

So do I believe he has never cheated on me? No.
I don’t even feel anxious about cheating or being cheated on which is unusual, it’s something you’re supposed to care about.

OP posts:

SpryCat · 21/07/2025 23:41

He wouldn’t want you to have friends or a social life, he wants you to feel there is no way out, no escape.

Original poster

Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:40

I haven’t spoke to him all day because this cycle is so draining and fucking childish. I’m not even opening the messages.
It’s every single fucking time
Drink too much > I get annoyed > Go to work sending texts all day how it’s over and im all these horrible things > I apologise and promise to change (except this time. Not even replied) . I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong.

OP posts:

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 21/07/2025 23:39

Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:33

Oh I know it’s cocaine as well, he sits in his brothers drinking and sniffing.
Last time he went out at 1pm to “help his brother do his garden” and got back the following day at 5pm - then had the audacity to moan at me for being pissed off….it was literally my birthday weekend.

Show quote history

Run for your life. It’s only a matter of time (if not already) until he starts cheating on you with a fellow user who will be happy to enable his addiction and help paint you as the mean controlling witch.

Cocaine turns people into horrendous, selfish monsters. If you don’t walk out now he’ll only drag you down even further.

It might be his wake up call, it may not. But right now you need to leave this abusive bastard.

lauraloulou1 · 21/07/2025 23:37

I think its both. He is mentally unwell and he is abusing you. Get out. His mental illness isnt an excuse but I am sure it contributes. Please leave him.

Undecided2025 · 21/07/2025 23:36

He’s not capable of becoming the partner you deserve. The next time he says your relationship is finished reply ‘ok, I’ll arrange to get your belongings to you and the keys from you’ if you feel safe to do so. Ask your family for support and cut him right out. Good luck.

SpryCat · 21/07/2025 23:35

So why are you with him? He is trying to make you feel you are losing your mind. He is making you walk on eggshells and making it crystal clear he doesn’t like you.

Original poster

Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:35

SpryCat · 21/07/2025 23:32

He doesn’t love you or like you, you are barely tolerated @Deletingafter he is using you to fund his life

This has come more evident now. I know this in my mind.
I don’t really have a social life or friends, after Covid I just stopped wanting to socialise so I stupidly stopped talking to anyone outside of work. I don’t do work parties or anything like that so part of me wonders am I lonely. Feel abit silly when I actually take stock and realise I just stick around

OP posts:

FrazzledHippy · 21/07/2025 23:35

He's a cunt. You're right in wanting to leave. It genuinely doesn't matter why he behaves like a cunt, what matters is he's making you miserable and you don't deserve that. Get your ducks in a row and head for the hills before he does anymore damage to you and your mental health.

Good luck OP

Original poster

Deletingafter · 21/07/2025 23:33

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 21/07/2025 23:29

If he’s staying out all night, I’d bet anything it goes far beyond 4-6 Stellas.

Regardless of whether he’s just plain old abusive or there’s some MH and addiction thrown in the mix, the bottom line is that he needs to get help himself. There’s nothing you can do on your end and the sooner you understand that, the sooner you can focus on your own well being.

My DP was an addict and before he sorted himself out, we had some truly horrendous times - but the only reason I decided to work on it was because I honestly can’t remember a time he even raised his voice at me. As it stands, your partner is being abusive and seems to use you. If you’re paying for everything, the money is going somewhere else. I bet it’s not Stellas.

Show quote history

Oh I know it’s cocaine as well, he sits in his brothers drinking and sniffing.
Last time he went out at 1pm to “help his brother do his garden” and got back the following day at 5pm - then had the audacity to moan at me for being pissed off….it was literally my birthday weekend.

OP posts:

SpryCat · 21/07/2025 23:32

He doesn’t love you or like you, you are barely tolerated @Deletingafter he is using you to fund his life

SpryCat · 21/07/2025 23:30

Any woman he has been in a relationship before you, got abused from him, the women he meets after you, will get abused too. You can’t change him, he knows what he’s doing and loves the power and control he has over you. The only thing you can change, is you, you can leave him and be happy.