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Original poster

Bereavement muddled up with MIL

118 replies

SpoodenWoon · 21/07/2025 20:18

Advice needed please x

My DF died three months after my wedding when I was six months pregnant with my first baby. He was an alcoholic however his death was out of the blue.

The morning after DF died, my MIL came to mine and DH house. I am quite introverted, and DF’s death was so fresh that I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. DH let MIL know how I felt, she said she understood and we parted on good terms.

However we spoke on the phone the next day and MIL was angry. I wrote down what I could remember of what MIL said when I went to bed that night: “How dare you ask me to leave your house? How dare you? I should have just met my son today...Everything is always all you, you, you. You do something round the house for once...Think about someone else for once in your life...I know your dad has just died...Amazing you asked me to leave and then 24 hours later one is ready to lay on a lunch for one’s aunt [DF’s sister came to visit me the next day]...You want space, you’ve got plenty of space...Go and walk around that garden of yours." Etc.

I felt crushed. DH said that MIL behaviour was not acceptable, but that he agreed with what she said, especially about housework, and that it was just bad timing. There have been other events where MIL fell out with/ didn’t speak to DH / me, eg didn’t speak to me on our wedding day and didn’t speak to DH and me for a while after DS was born but conscious this is already so long.

I still see MIL and I love DH dearly but I don’t know how to move on from this.

YABU - You need to let this go and move on. Not a big enough deal.

YANBU - What happened was not ok.

Thank you x

OP posts:
NamechangeNightNurse · 01/09/2025 22:20

SpoodenWoon · 01/09/2025 21:59

Don’t know if anyone is still here but update…. It all came up on holiday a few weeks ago. DH mentioned doing a holiday with my in laws next year and got really annoyed that I didn’t seem super enthusiastic (for obvious reasons). I said there’s a lot of unresolved feeling around MIL’s behaviour and he shrugged it off saying “She only spoke to you like that twice [wedding and when my DF died]”. I said it’s been a lot more than twice and anyway that shouldn’t matter.

He was increasingly agitated by the conversation and when I reiterated that when MIL shouted at me about not doing enough housework the day after my DF died I was 7 months pregnant (and had been looking after my DF during his last days), he said, and I quote, “You were a lazy fuck, my mum just called you out on it.”

I just left the room at that point and went to bed. He did apologise the next morning but I still have it on my mind and think I need to speak to him about this. Feel like it’s not even MIL that’s the problem any more as I’ve made peace with never getting an apology from her. The problem is now the fact that he would speak to me like that.

Any advice on approaching this?

WTAF!
Your DH is allowing your MIL to abuse you and in fact is using her to channel his abuse of you through

It's over, there is no coming back from this

Confabulations · 01/09/2025 22:19

Going to go back to what I said when you first posted and strengthen it. You have a profound DH problem. He complained to his mum that you were lazy at a time when he should have been looking after you. And now he has doubled down on that, including using abusive language. He is not a nice man. He is a misogynistic arsehole who thinks housework is woman's work.

Is this what you want for your life? And your children's?

Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 01/09/2025 22:19

EnchantedQuill · 01/09/2025 22:06

I would divorce him

It went through my mind when those words came out of his mouth. Should a husband speak like that about the mother of his children whom supposedly he loves, I don’t think so… even so he did apologise… Divorce is something I really want to avoid so I don’t know how to move forward.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 01/09/2025 22:19

Jesus wept 🤦‍♀️ you don't need to speak to him about it, you need to leave him. The apple didn't fall far from the tree, did it! He sounds as vile as his mother. OP you deserve better.

mummytrex · 01/09/2025 22:13

Please understand that you deserve better than how you're being treated.

mummytrex · 01/09/2025 22:12

Sorry that you're going through this OP.

To be blunt, I think your marriage is the dead in the water. His complete lack of empathy and unrealistic expectations with the housewife he felt you should be doing when you were caring for your father at the end stage of his life is utterly unforgivable. I wouldn't be able to come back from it.

You're meant to be a team instead he's calling you Lazy because he feels you didn't pull your weight when you were going through a utterly horrendous time. He quite clearly does not have your back and has zero interest in giving you any emotional security.

tinyspiny · 01/09/2025 22:10

If my husband had said that to me @SpoodenWoon it would be the one and only time he did so because he would be an ex pretty smartish .

EnchantedQuill · 01/09/2025 22:06

I would divorce him

Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 01/09/2025 21:59

Don’t know if anyone is still here but update…. It all came up on holiday a few weeks ago. DH mentioned doing a holiday with my in laws next year and got really annoyed that I didn’t seem super enthusiastic (for obvious reasons). I said there’s a lot of unresolved feeling around MIL’s behaviour and he shrugged it off saying “She only spoke to you like that twice [wedding and when my DF died]”. I said it’s been a lot more than twice and anyway that shouldn’t matter.

He was increasingly agitated by the conversation and when I reiterated that when MIL shouted at me about not doing enough housework the day after my DF died I was 7 months pregnant (and had been looking after my DF during his last days), he said, and I quote, “You were a lazy fuck, my mum just called you out on it.”

I just left the room at that point and went to bed. He did apologise the next morning but I still have it on my mind and think I need to speak to him about this. Feel like it’s not even MIL that’s the problem any more as I’ve made peace with never getting an apology from her. The problem is now the fact that he would speak to me like that.

Any advice on approaching this?

OP posts:
Givenupshopping · 22/07/2025 15:38

SpoodenWoon · 22/07/2025 14:13

I know, totally... For most people me saying something might have led somewhere however with the reading, learning, listening I've done about narcissists (and with therapists) over the past four years or so, I've learned that you cannot argue with one. They will never, ever change. You could show them photographic / video evidence of their actions and they would still plead innocence; not only that, in fact, but become the victim.

Show quote history

Agreed! Which is why I honestly think you'd do better to get out of this situation altogether. Unfortunately, someone I am close to, is in the thrall of a narcissist, and so I do know what they're like.

MayBeee · 22/07/2025 14:37

So ok maybe your house could have done with a tidy , but who the hell is she to pass comment on it , plus her son lives there so his responsibility to tidy as well .
Your father had just died , and who is she again that tells you how you should be acting / responding to it . She needs to fuck right off !
Sorry for your loss .

Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 22/07/2025 14:13

Givenupshopping · 22/07/2025 12:50

Why on earth did you bite your tongue OP? It was the ideal opportunity to pin her down, and tell her what a hypocrite she is!

Quite honestly I think your marriage is dead in the water, as your MIL is never going to change, and your DH has been conditioned to do whatever Mummy says, so life will always be like this if you stay. In my view, you might as well cut your losses, and move on while you're hopefully still young enough to build another life for yourself and your child.

I know, totally... For most people me saying something might have led somewhere however with the reading, learning, listening I've done about narcissists (and with therapists) over the past four years or so, I've learned that you cannot argue with one. They will never, ever change. You could show them photographic / video evidence of their actions and they would still plead innocence; not only that, in fact, but become the victim.

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 22/07/2025 13:10

I would be stepping away from her, block her so she can’t contact you it’s all done via DH. He can go and see her and take the child or if he invites her to yours he hosts, prepares everything, stays with her etc you just carry on doing what you need to do

I would also have a conversation with him around his agreeing with her re the housework, you were grieving and very pregnant, it’s simply not acceptable. He is to put you and your child before his toxic mother

Givenupshopping · 22/07/2025 12:50

Why on earth did you bite your tongue OP? It was the ideal opportunity to pin her down, and tell her what a hypocrite she is!

Quite honestly I think your marriage is dead in the water, as your MIL is never going to change, and your DH has been conditioned to do whatever Mummy says, so life will always be like this if you stay. In my view, you might as well cut your losses, and move on while you're hopefully still young enough to build another life for yourself and your child.

tinyspiny · 22/07/2025 12:48

You don’t need this woman in your life , it’s perfectly possible to stay married and not see your in-laws but you do need to know that your husband has your back , if he doesn’t then I’d ditch them all .

OriginalUsername2 · 22/07/2025 12:39

When I've tried to bring it up again, I get called angry, holding a grudge, why can't you just let it go, it's important to be forgiving, are you still thinking about all that, ad infinitum.

This is manipulation. Take this attitude / script:

“Yes, I’m fucking angry. I am still holding a grudge. I’ll never forget the way she spoke to me that day and how distraught I was. My dad had just died. Your family might be comfortable sweeping fucked up behaviour under the carpet, but I’m not. She showed me who she is that day and I’m still disgusted.”

You can opt out of his family stuff, you just have to toughen up and get comfortable with them not being “pleased” by you. Remind yourself “Not my circus, not my monkeys”. They are DP’s monkeys.

You only have one life, fill it with other people and activities.

outerspacepotato · 22/07/2025 12:28

She berated you like that 2 days after your father died?

She sucks as a human being and Bitch would be dead to me.

She imposed on your grief and when you asked her to leave, she took offense instead of realizing you just weren't up to socializing.

Your husband is a dick siding with her. This is a make or break moment for your marriage and a wakeup call for you. He puts pleasing mommy over pleasing his wife and that really needs to change. That she didn't speak to you on your wedding day and is often rude, she's toxic and he enables it.

It was up to him to facilitate the relationship between you and her and that he just takes her side over such a blatant shit move, your marriage is in deep trouble. He basically doesn't give a shit that your dad died and you're grieving, Mommy's wishes come first for him. She's his priority, not you, even in grief.

Time for marriage counseling. I don't know if that will change this really toxic dynamic, but you can try.

PussInBin20 · 22/07/2025 12:16

Well if you want to stay married then just don’t have anything to do with MIL or keep your distance.

No point dwelling on the past, you can’t change it. Just make sure your future is different.

Or, just split up 🤷‍♀️

SleepyLemur · 22/07/2025 12:15

I am shocked by your DH saying he agrees with what she said. The only possible area I would think he could agree with might be the house work (if that is fair which I have no idea about). However, even this would never be OK to bring up when you were newly bereaved and it is not something she should ever bring up, it is for you and your husband to discuss. Maybe your husband has been conditioned to accept her unacceptable behaviour.

To be honest she sounds quite toxic. I know a few people who do not appreciate how hard bereavement is, either as they seem to not understand grief or they cannot stand not being the centre of attention.

I would think you need firm boundaries with her. I would also want to have a frank conversation with your husband about what he said and how you can support each other better.

Renamed · 22/07/2025 12:08

Yes, what was your DH doing saying oh he agreed about the housework when he knew you had been caring for your dying dad?! Can’t get past this.

How would he feel if you complained to members of your family that he went whining to his mum while your dad was dying and you needed support? And they phoned and told him what a dick he was? And you said you agreed with them?

Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 22/07/2025 12:05

Cherrysoup · 22/07/2025 11:54

She’s a massive hypocrite. I would be raising this with your DH: what the heck was he doing agreeing with her re the housework when you were 6 months pregnant and your dad had just died? Find your anger and tell him!

Show quote history

I know, you're 100% right. I am scared of the consequences, that's the truth. DH repeatedly says 'Why do I have to be stuck in the middle?' The culture of DH/MIL family is things get 'forgotten', never mentioned again, swept under the rug. Crucially, MIL never says sorry. DH did confront her a few months after it happened to say "Why won't you just apologise to SpoodenWoon?" and she said "I don't need to." When I've tried to bring it up again, I get called angry, holding a grudge, why can't you just let it go, it's important to be forgiving, are you still thinking about all that, ad infinitum. For the people that have grown up in that culture it's normal to them (ie DH) which is what makes this impossible.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 22/07/2025 11:54

SpoodenWoon · 22/07/2025 11:48

I remember her telling me about an incident involving one of her adult children on a family holiday and saying "We never kick people when they're down or vulnerable in this family, that's never ok". I bit my tongue but immediately thought of my dad's death.

Show quote history

She’s a massive hypocrite. I would be raising this with your DH: what the heck was he doing agreeing with her re the housework when you were 6 months pregnant and your dad had just died? Find your anger and tell him!

Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 22/07/2025 11:48

MeganM3 · 21/07/2025 22:53

Ah. She is a nightmare. Selfish and very very rude.
I could not have someone like this in my life.
You were in a very vulnerable place and she created additional hardship for you. She is a terrible person to speak this way to someone who has just lost a parent, there’s no excuse.
I’d tell DH you’re taking this extremely seriously and won’t be in contact with her. You may also consider separation if he cannot support you. Even if it’s his mother he should recognise her treatment of you is appalling.

I remember her telling me about an incident involving one of her adult children on a family holiday and saying "We never kick people when they're down or vulnerable in this family, that's never ok". I bit my tongue but immediately thought of my dad's death.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 22/07/2025 11:45

WhereIsMyLight · 21/07/2025 22:59

You can ask whoever you want to leave your home. That can include your parents, your husband’s parents, a salesperson. It is your home and you do not need to have it open for whoever feels like they have a right to drop in.

When you are grieving, especially for a sudden bereavement, you choose who you spend time with. It’s natural to want to be near those who knew the person you’ve lost. It’s natural for you to want to be with your aunt and for your aunt to want to be with you. You both want to share memories of your dad. That doesn’t involve your MIL in any way.

If your DH is moaning to his mummy that you’re not doing enough housework while you care for your dying father and are six months pregnant, I don’t really think the ‘D’ belongs in DH.

Thank you. I remember she didn't answer the phone to anyone when one of her dogs died, which everyone respected.

OP posts:
WhereIsMyLight · 21/07/2025 22:59

You can ask whoever you want to leave your home. That can include your parents, your husband’s parents, a salesperson. It is your home and you do not need to have it open for whoever feels like they have a right to drop in.

When you are grieving, especially for a sudden bereavement, you choose who you spend time with. It’s natural to want to be near those who knew the person you’ve lost. It’s natural for you to want to be with your aunt and for your aunt to want to be with you. You both want to share memories of your dad. That doesn’t involve your MIL in any way.

If your DH is moaning to his mummy that you’re not doing enough housework while you care for your dying father and are six months pregnant, I don’t really think the ‘D’ belongs in DH.