Bereavement muddled up with MIL

If you are adamant that you want to stay with this man tell him that you are going NC with his mother and so are the children that way you are at least only putting up with him .

DH. I’ve been thinking really hard about the arguments we’ve been having.
You always say you’re stuck in the middle and that I’m carrying a grudge, so we never seem to actually sort it out.
So I’ve thought it through and worked out what the problem is. I’m not angry with your mum, I can let her behaviour ride, she doesn’t matter.
I’m angry with you. You let your mum attack me. You want me to let your mum carry on attacking me. You won’t let me protect myself by avoiding her. You actually sided with her.
I don’t know if I can trust you anymore. Tell me why I should!

The cost of saving your marriage will be your self esteem @SpoodenWoon.

He is not a good man who said something in the heat of the moment. At best - and this is being generous - he is a man who is damaged by being raised by a narcissist who was never held accountable for saying horrible and offensive things, so he thinks this is normal. At worst, and more likely, he’s an entitled arsehole who feeds off mummy ‘calling you out’ on things on his behalf.

If your self esteem is too low to want better for yourself because divorce is the thing you want to avoid most, rather than being abused for the rest of your life by this gaslighting pair of shits, then want better for your children.

Do you think your MIL won’t turn on them as well? Won’t mess with their minds? Do you think your husband will be any more emotionally healthy with them?

You’ve already been to counselling. You’ve seen his reaction to you saying you don’t want to be around his mother.

The only way to avoid divorce is to accept things will only get worse and your good man is actually your bully, not your MIL.

“You were a lazy fuck, my mum just called you out on it.”

How dare he say that when you were 7 months pregnant and had just lost your dad? He is worse than his vile mother as he is your husband and is supposed to love and to cherish you.

He is not a good man. No good man speaks like that to anyone, never mind his wife.

You need to get rid. You deserve better than him. Much better.

She is one horrible cunt.

OP, I’ve just realised you said your dad died of alcoholism. Are you aware of the NACOA? Look it up. It might help you to see how being the child of an alcoholic can shape you.

By the way. Your MIL is awful and your husband crossed a line he may well cross again. How dare any man call his seven-months-pregnant wife a lazy fuck. It’s shameful behaviour on his part. What an arse.

There's no getting past it. She is a vile bitch of a woman and he is a spineless disloyal git. Divorce him and send him back to mummy, because he'll never have your back. This will be the rest of your life otherwise.

I'm so furious for you, OP, I'd like to have some words with him myself!

I don't know a single man in my close friendship group or family who would ever speak to anyone that way, never mind their wife.

Even if that cost is that you shut up and submit for ever?

You can’t move forward. He’s a cunt. She’s a cunt.

That will never change. Don’t live your life abused by the pair of them. Find your anger.

You DH has lived with this woman, he knows this woman. He will never understand how angry/hurt/upset you are because he’s probably endured this behaviour over his entire childhood and “just got over it”.

You don’t have to just get over it. You are allowed to feel angry/hurt/upset.

I suspect your DH was also whining to his Mummy about the housework when you were pregnant!

Then no one can help you.

Funny how people who abuse others accuse the victim of not being able to move on, when they just don't want to be held account for what they've done.

Not only did he not support you when your DF died, he allowed his mother to be repeatedly abusive to you and then blamed you for your reaction.

Appalling

What do you want as you have an answer for everything and constantly defend him?

His fair share when you were 7 months pregnant and caring for your dying father was everything you couldn't and didn't do. And to reassure you that housework didn't matter, your wellbeing and that of your unborn child were far higher priority.

If, big if, you don't think he is abusive, go to counselling with him. That in itself might help him realise you are serious about things needing to change.

“You were a lazy fuck” ?!

Repeat after me.
I deserve better.
Now tell yourself that constantly until you feel ready to leave that bastard.
🫂

A good man wouldn't say that to you, ever. He's not a good man.

" you were a lazy fuck"
No a good man does not say this