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Original poster

Bereavement muddled up with MIL

118 replies

SpoodenWoon · 21/07/2025 20:18

Advice needed please x

My DF died three months after my wedding when I was six months pregnant with my first baby. He was an alcoholic however his death was out of the blue.

The morning after DF died, my MIL came to mine and DH house. I am quite introverted, and DF’s death was so fresh that I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. DH let MIL know how I felt, she said she understood and we parted on good terms.

However we spoke on the phone the next day and MIL was angry. I wrote down what I could remember of what MIL said when I went to bed that night: “How dare you ask me to leave your house? How dare you? I should have just met my son today...Everything is always all you, you, you. You do something round the house for once...Think about someone else for once in your life...I know your dad has just died...Amazing you asked me to leave and then 24 hours later one is ready to lay on a lunch for one’s aunt [DF’s sister came to visit me the next day]...You want space, you’ve got plenty of space...Go and walk around that garden of yours." Etc.

I felt crushed. DH said that MIL behaviour was not acceptable, but that he agreed with what she said, especially about housework, and that it was just bad timing. There have been other events where MIL fell out with/ didn’t speak to DH / me, eg didn’t speak to me on our wedding day and didn’t speak to DH and me for a while after DS was born but conscious this is already so long.

I still see MIL and I love DH dearly but I don’t know how to move on from this.

YABU - You need to let this go and move on. Not a big enough deal.

YANBU - What happened was not ok.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 08:21

nomas · 02/09/2025 08:05

I think use this opportunity to tell him that you will not be going on holiday with MIL ever and he should think very hard if he really wants a marriage where you call each other a ‘lazy fuck’ and what kind of marriage that will result in. Tell him that you are not his whipping dog and his actions will have consequences.

Show quote history

What's crazy is that I've already been on multiple, weeks' long holidays with MIL and wider family since it all happened.

I was willing to just bite my tongue / grey rock her.

And he's still annoyed, because I'm not hopping and skipping smilingly to the next group holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 08:17

myplace · 02/09/2025 08:14

You can’t stay with someone who behaves badly because they don’t want to change. Possibly despite them not changing, but not because of it!

Work out what you want. Work out what he needs to do to protect your marriage. You can’t make him, unfortunately. He may just not value it as you do.

He regularly talks about how he'd never, ever divorce me, how we're 'in it for the long haul', how we may argue but he'd never break up etc. I think he values our marriage but he can't rationally see the effect MIL has had on him. It's massive.

The fact that he'd be so defensive of her terrible behaviour says it all. He has massive doublethink going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 08:14

Truffleshuffle84 · 02/09/2025 07:47

The "my son" shit is a massive MIL red flag

Agreed. It's also a drop in the ocean.

OP posts:
myplace · 02/09/2025 08:14

You can’t stay with someone who behaves badly because they don’t want to change. Possibly despite them not changing, but not because of it!

Work out what you want. Work out what he needs to do to protect your marriage. You can’t make him, unfortunately. He may just not value it as you do.

Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 08:11

myplace · 02/09/2025 08:05

What are you more afraid of, the concept of your family splitting or his behaviour?

Because if you are afraid of his reaction, then I suspect he’s actively abusive and keeping you in line through fear.

I'm terrified of my family splitting.

He's often said things like 'If you don't like my behaviour then leave / be with someone else / this is who I am' etc, so I fear that if I raise this unhappiness his answer will be 'Let's call it quits then.' Because I want to work on it and resolve it if at all possible. I feel like his pride wouldn't let him and he'd just end it.

Maybe he'd surprise me.

OP posts:
nomas · 02/09/2025 08:05

SpoodenWoon · 01/09/2025 21:59

Don’t know if anyone is still here but update…. It all came up on holiday a few weeks ago. DH mentioned doing a holiday with my in laws next year and got really annoyed that I didn’t seem super enthusiastic (for obvious reasons). I said there’s a lot of unresolved feeling around MIL’s behaviour and he shrugged it off saying “She only spoke to you like that twice [wedding and when my DF died]”. I said it’s been a lot more than twice and anyway that shouldn’t matter.

He was increasingly agitated by the conversation and when I reiterated that when MIL shouted at me about not doing enough housework the day after my DF died I was 7 months pregnant (and had been looking after my DF during his last days), he said, and I quote, “You were a lazy fuck, my mum just called you out on it.”

I just left the room at that point and went to bed. He did apologise the next morning but I still have it on my mind and think I need to speak to him about this. Feel like it’s not even MIL that’s the problem any more as I’ve made peace with never getting an apology from her. The problem is now the fact that he would speak to me like that.

Any advice on approaching this?

I think use this opportunity to tell him that you will not be going on holiday with MIL ever and he should think very hard if he really wants a marriage where you call each other a ‘lazy fuck’ and what kind of marriage that will result in. Tell him that you are not his whipping dog and his actions will have consequences.

myplace · 02/09/2025 08:05

What are you more afraid of, the concept of your family splitting or his behaviour?

Because if you are afraid of his reaction, then I suspect he’s actively abusive and keeping you in line through fear.

Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 08:02

sittingonabeach · 02/09/2025 07:49

Would you be raging if your son said this to their partner?

Your DC will be seeing how he treats you

I'd be furious and be having serious words with him.

I know. That's my worry. I do no want that in any way.

OP posts:
tryingtobesogood · 02/09/2025 08:02

I think that is the answer you are looking for.

Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 07:58

tryingtobesogood · 02/09/2025 07:54

Can I ask, what would you do if you weren’t afraid?

Show quote history

Tell him to pack a bag.

And not contact me until he'd had a year of therapy discussing what's happened / his mother.

OP posts:
tryingtobesogood · 02/09/2025 07:54

SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 07:45

I'm scared to do it but I'm going to speak to him. My point now is that I had already made peace with the MIL situation, it's actually DH that is the problem now. I'm scared of his reaction, scared of being left, scared of leaving, scared of the turmoil this will cause. My two DC are everything and trying to figure out what it would be like.

Can I ask, what would you do if you weren’t afraid?

PigletSanders · 02/09/2025 07:49

SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 07:45

I'm scared to do it but I'm going to speak to him. My point now is that I had already made peace with the MIL situation, it's actually DH that is the problem now. I'm scared of his reaction, scared of being left, scared of leaving, scared of the turmoil this will cause. My two DC are everything and trying to figure out what it would be like.

You’ve been conditioned to feel like this, by your H, so he and his mother can abuse you freely, and you just put up with it. They want you anxious and unsure, it makes you put up with a lot more.

sittingonabeach · 02/09/2025 07:49

Would you be raging if your son said this to their partner?

Your DC will be seeing how he treats you

Truffleshuffle84 · 02/09/2025 07:47

The "my son" shit is a massive MIL red flag

Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 07:45

I'm scared to do it but I'm going to speak to him. My point now is that I had already made peace with the MIL situation, it's actually DH that is the problem now. I'm scared of his reaction, scared of being left, scared of leaving, scared of the turmoil this will cause. My two DC are everything and trying to figure out what it would be like.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 07:42

27pilates · 01/09/2025 23:16

Do you have any daughters OP? How would you feel if their future husband spoke to your child like your nasty husband has spoken to you ? Your Mil is also a vile and ignorant woman. No apology from her would ever be accepted; she’d be dead to me.

I do have a DD and have thought this very thing. Thank you for raising it. It really helps me get perspective on it. If my DD's future partner said these things to her I would be raging.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 07:40

mummytrex · 01/09/2025 23:13

He apologised as he knows deep down that he is unbelievably out of line. His apology was manipulation to rein you back in.

As for him calling you "lazy as fuck". It wasn't just said in the heat of the moment though was it. He clearly bitched about you not pulling your weight to mil, when what he should have been doing was seeing if he could take more burden off you to help you through caring for your father. Instead he clearly resented you doing so as he had to pick up the slack.

As I said in my previous post, you're not a team and he clearly doesn't care about your emotions. The fact he has trotted it (you being "lazy") out now in an argument shows he still thinks it. Good men don't do this - when my grandmother was dying and lived 300 miles away my husband dropped everything and took me to see her so I could care for her in her final weeks. I don't hear a peeping my husband re housework. His only concern was supporting me and my family however he could.

Your DH sounds great. There's a feeling of scorekeeping and things being conditional with mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 07:37

myplace · 01/09/2025 23:12

DH. I’ve been thinking really hard about the arguments we’ve been having.
You always say you’re stuck in the middle and that I’m carrying a grudge, so we never seem to actually sort it out.
So I’ve thought it through and worked out what the problem is. I’m not angry with your mum, I can let her behaviour ride, she doesn’t matter.
I’m angry with you. You let your mum attack me. You want me to let your mum carry on attacking me. You won’t let me protect myself by avoiding her. You actually sided with her.
I don’t know if I can trust you anymore. Tell me why I should!

Thank you. This is spot on.

OP posts:
Driftingawaynow · 01/09/2025 23:49

Speak to anyone who has left a relationship like this, they don’t regret it. It’s repulsive that she has treated you like this and he has not only failed to protect you, he has attacked you for trying to protect yourself. He is an adult and responsible for his behaviour, it’s callous. Honestly, there are far worse things than breaking up a marriage. It actually doesn’t have to be that big a deal, there is life outside this horrible, gross family.

Frostynoman · 01/09/2025 23:39

SpoodenWoon · 01/09/2025 22:21

I think I need a moment of radical honesty and to lay this all out to him. We have two DC under 4, I don’t feel able to leave … and he is messed up from his upbringing but a good man really….

Show quote history

No, he is not a good man - a good man doesn’t treat someone like this.

There comes a point that people make choices about who they want to be. He is aware of his Mothers behaviour and has insight: he is choosing to be a complete dick, like her.

For me, it would be divorce. He doesn’t respect you. He thinks his Mum is right to be that way with you as he echoed the lazy comment.

TheArtfulNavyDreamer · 01/09/2025 23:23

When I was seven months pregnant I was exhausted and came in from work and went to bed. My partner came in, fed me and tidied the house. When I lost a close family member it broke me and no I didn’t spend my time cleaning. My partner did because he supported and loved me, I never had to ask and he would never throw it back at me in an argument. Your husband needs to do better.

Original poster
SpoodenWoon · 01/09/2025 23:20

Thank you everyone. I have to be up early for work so will reply in the morning. I appreciate every post.

OP posts:
Thedoorisalwaysopen · 01/09/2025 23:18

When you newly bereaved you have to do what you need to do. If that means not having people in your space, that is fine. If that means surrounding yourself with certain people (who may not be the ones you 'should' want to be with, that is also fine. If that means shutting others out for a while, that is fine.
Your MIL is being very unfair and your husband putting undue pressure on you by not sticking up for you.

When my beloved gran died I didn't want even family with me at some points. I just wanted to sit with my lovely friend in my church, and sob on her and let her hold me, as she was the only one I felt comfortable falling apart with. More so than family. Or I wanted to walk and walk with my dog (as he doesn't talk). The pressure I had to 'talk it out', 'you're not being fair on us' etc was dreadful and took me ages to process.

27pilates · 01/09/2025 23:16

Do you have any daughters OP? How would you feel if their future husband spoke to your child like your nasty husband has spoken to you ? Your Mil is also a vile and ignorant woman. No apology from her would ever be accepted; she’d be dead to me.

mummytrex · 01/09/2025 23:13

He apologised as he knows deep down that he is unbelievably out of line. His apology was manipulation to rein you back in.

As for him calling you "lazy as fuck". It wasn't just said in the heat of the moment though was it. He clearly bitched about you not pulling your weight to mil, when what he should have been doing was seeing if he could take more burden off you to help you through caring for your father. Instead he clearly resented you doing so as he had to pick up the slack.

As I said in my previous post, you're not a team and he clearly doesn't care about your emotions. The fact he has trotted it (you being "lazy") out now in an argument shows he still thinks it. Good men don't do this - when my grandmother was dying and lived 300 miles away my husband dropped everything and took me to see her so I could care for her in her final weeks. I don't hear a peeping my husband re housework. His only concern was supporting me and my family however he could.