Bereavement muddled up with MIL

‘MIL told my DH she was coming round’
a) she should have asked not told
and,
b) your DH should have declined the visit in the circumstances.
3 people in this scenario, 2 behaved appalling and neither of them were you OP.

Were the visits from MIL/Aunt planned or did they just pop round unannounced? I think that makes a difference to how the situations should have been handled.

Your MIL however, was overly harsh in her comeback and the timing was simply disgusting. No one with an ounce of decency would be lay in to someone who has just lost a parent

"You need to let this go and move on"

"What happened was not ok"

Both things are true. You do need to move on but that doesn't mean that it was ok.

I’m sorry lovey. He’s been really awful. This is not your fault.

If it splits - it is because of his behaviour and his unwillingness to change - not you.

This is not a family in its present form. It’s a fiefdom. You and the dc rank a long way behind him and his mum.

You are not splitting up a family. He is failing to recognise his family.

This is the key point. If my DH said this I would be done. If I couldn’t afford to leave him I would be making plans to do so when ready. I would not go near his family, I would not have sex with him, I would not wash his clothes. I would be saving up as fast as possible to get the hell out of there with my Dc.

He says he values it and will fight for it, and that you’re in it for the long haul…. but also, ‘he’ll never change, this is who he is, like it or lump it’s.

So basically he likes things as they are, he expects you to stay whether you are happy or not because he wants it as it is.

He doesn’t value a real marriage of equals. He values a wife who looks after the dc, socialises with his family, plays happy families and doesn’t complain. Not an equal, someone who expects respect. Just a side kick.

I feel as though he’s programmed you to put up with things done his way, just because. No effort to do things your way.

His recent comments are unforgivable. To call a bereaved heavily pregnant woman “a lazy fuck” for not doing enough housework would be awful if it was a person on the street - but for your husband to make such a nasty comment? The person who is supposed to love you best of all?? That’s a showstopper all right and LTB territory.

Have you tried being “the voice of reason / the headmistress “ each and every time your husband says one of his awful statements? For instance, after he said what he did about being a “lazy fuck”, did you reply something along the lines of :
”well that’s a very unusual way of looking at that. Most normal and right-thinking people would think it entirely understandable if housework was neglected when caring for my dying father. However, you have no experience of that do you or even any insight how distressing that would be.”
I mean point it out each and every time. Let that truth drop. Let him think on that, sometimes awful husbands do reflect and start to watch their mouth. Just don’t expect him to behave the way you would inherently, his wiring is all wrong being brought up by a mother like his. Either role model correct behaviour to him, pick him up each and every time he says vile stuff, treat his mother like she’s dead to you or divorce him/ tell him to leave and only come back when he’s had some intense counselling and can see how callous he’s been.

I would've more likely to stay in a relationship with the husband because co-parenting will give her access to your kids without supervision from you.

And don't get involved in a my gift buying for birthdays/Xmas with anyone on that side of the family that backs her. It's now DH's problem and nothing to do with you.

Don't facilitate a relationship at all, especially not with your kids. Leave DH to manage that side of things.

She sounds like a classic narcissist. If so, you will never be able to reason with her or win an argument.

A narcissist will never say sorry, will always make themselves the centre of attention (especially at big family events), will lie, never accept responsibility and will do their best to provoke an argument. I know because my mother is one and I cut her off 30 years ago. THE best decision of my life!

The best course of action is to stop trying and remove contact with her as much as possible. If she's coming round to yours, go out. Use every excuse under the sun (doctors appointment, dentist, headache etc).

I would do your best to limit contact between her and your children as she will play divide and conquer with them (one will be a scapegoat and one will be a favourite).

There's no point in trying to convince your husband of this as he doesn't sound like he'll back you.

Also learnt how to 'grey rock'. She'll be desperate for an argument but grey rocking doesn't give her it and it will really piss her off knowing that she can't control you. That is your power over her and, in a way, revenge for the nasty things she's done to you. If she tries to start an argument, just agree with her or walk away or say "OK" with a shrug if the shoulders. She'll absolutely hate it! 😁

Simply do your very best to not engage.

And, finally, when a loved one of hers dies, go round to her house the next day without husband. Be a bitch to her and deny your behaviour to the rest of the family. Say that she must be so overcome with grief that she's imagining it. Perhaps she should see the doctor or is developing dementia...

Your post makes such sad reading OP. If I knew or suspected my daughter was being treated like this by her ILs /husband; I’d have fantasies about buying a gun. Sorry.
You sound so intelligent reading your posts, you must be capable of financially supporting your children I would have thought.
Is it the thought of co-parenting being more difficult with him alongside interference from the awful excuse of a MIL? Possibly a new step mother being involved in the future with your DC?
Have you ever had marriage guidance ? What would he say to that?
I’m not 💯 that’s an appropriate thing for you to do anyway with him, as he sounds abusive. He basically needs to learn to be a decent human being and I’m not sure how that is possible when his role model has been his vile mother.

I'm so sorry you're in this dilemma @SpoodenWoon

Your husband needs to be called out on his appalling behaviour. I'm not sure how your marriage can survive the insults.

Then this is what you NEED to do OP!

If you were to suddenly get a terminal illness, would you want to have wasted your life on a man who treats you so badly?

I know breaking up a family feels incredibly scary, but we have to face our fears, not just live a life of misery because we're scared. How many times have you been scared to do something before, maybe going back to school after the holidays, or starting your first job, perhaps the first time you travelled anywhere on your own, the fact is, we all have to face things we don't like the idea of, or are scared of, but we HAVE to do it.

If you were faced with a life threatening illness like cancer, would you refuse treatment just because you were scared, or would you face your fears in the hope that the treatment would save your life?

Can I suggest that you read the book, 'Feel The Fear & Do It Anyway' by Susan Jeffers. If you don't want to actually read the book, just Google the phrase 'Feel The Fear & Do It Anyway', and then read some of the stuff that comes up. I just did this, and this is one of the things I read:

'Fear grows with inaction, and action cures fear. Psychologists have discovered that we often build up fears in our mind to be worse than the actual thing itself. The longer we avoid the fear, the more it grows. This is why exposure therapy (gradually exposing yourself to the thing you fear) is the number one treatment for phobias. Pushing through fear is usually less frightening than living in a constant state of anxiety and helplessness'.

You've faced your fears as you've grown to be the person you are today, you CAN do this, and I promise you, your life WILL BE BETTER without this man in it making you constantly doubt yourself.

He truly is vile.
I feel so sorry for you, but even more so for your children.

You and they are all being abused.
This is not normal, but you have made it yours and their normal.

You all deserve so much better than this vile man.

Thankfully, we didn't have DC, I had fought against it. He didn't try to save the marriage, largely, I think, because he couldn't believe I would go through with it. Once I made the decision, it felt like a huge weight was lifted from me.

OP he sounds vile!!
My sister died 7 years ago when she was 21. She had been ill but her death was very sudden and I was in pieces.
My DH ran a business and as I was back and forth between my house and my family's house our housework did suffer. Do you know what my DH did? He hired a cleaner. He didn't call me lazy or call me nasty names when I was very vulnerable.
Good men are out there and this man is not one of them.

I was married to someone who often said if I don't like, I know what I can do.
I realised, it was just a way for him to behave however he wanted with minimal objection from me.
Eventually, I had had enough, and thought about how my life would look in 5 years. I realised it would be exactly the same.
When I summoned up the energy to tell him I was finished as I was deeply unhappy he had no idea and told me he didn't understand as he was happy.

I am so pleased I left, it made me think about what I should accept from a relationship.