My Mum doesn't want to help with childcare but makes me feel guilty that she doesn't see her grandson regularly

That doesn’t stop her having a life?

@Vivi0 I would say it is. But probably more effort is needed on the GPs behalf if they live far away. My mum lives nearly a 3hr drive away. She comes to see me every 8ish weeks. She comes for a visit, not to do childcare. Although she did mind DS 1, once when we went to a wedding. I would go down to visit her but 1-2 times per year. So without her driving up she would not see them as much.

My ILs live very close by. We see them usually a few times a week for short visits. Both times after having my babies I visited for company but I did the childcare. They have had each DS alone for approx 1 hour when I've had appointments with the other.

She’s retired.

Just make it clear to her if she wants to see him then she needs to come and see him. She needs to be up for arranging times that are convenient for you both. Come and stay the night and take grandson to the park for example the next day and then have an evening meal together with everyone. She should have offered to do the childcare because that’s where key lifelong bonds are created but that’s her loss.

I look after my GC one day a week and find it really helps our relationship. I know more about their everyday life this way and feel a much closer member of their family.

There was a recent, very similar post from someone whose mum didn't want to provide any child care but realised that her friend who did look after their grand-child one day a week had a much closer relationship with their grandchild. She was pressuring OP to let her have the baby at weekends or to spend a day every weekend together which OP didn't want to do.

You are not being unreasonable at all and your mum wants everything her way. It's really odd that when you go and visit her she doesn't actually bother with your child.

I've just realised that you have another thread about your sister's child-free wedding where you say:

The expectation from my Mum and Sister is that me and my husband attend the wedding without our children without complaint and sort and pay for any childcare arrangements that are required.

Honestly, she sounds like a pretty crappy grandparent. Stop pandering to her and spend your weekends at home.

It happened with me and my grandparents.

My granddad had had multiple strokes before I was born. They were pretty much housebound and couldn’t take us out etc., my nan probably babysat me 3 times in my entire life because she had to be at home with my granddad. I adored her. My mum would take us up to hers multiple times a week, at least once at the weekend (3-4 visits per week). When I was 13/14 and didn’t need “childcare” as such, after my granddad had died, I would go up to her house most nights after school. When I got to sixth form and finished early, I would go to her house. When I was at uni I would go to hers and study with her.

my favourite memories with her are when I’d be in the middle of exam season etc and she’d sit stroking my hair in her chair, while I was curled up on her sofa, and I’d end up having a nap. When she was diagnosed with cancer I’d go and sit at her house and study while she just slept. She was never once obligated to perform “childcare” - because my mum looked after me.

Seeing her grandson and doing the parenting are two different things. Expecting her to change nappies, feed and look after your ds isn’t the same as seeing him.

I think YABU to expect her to look after him, free childcare isn’t a right from a GP.

I do however think she needs to make an effort to travel to see you as well. But you can’t expect her to travel to you to prove childcare and not offer the same.

Your whole post smacks of double standards.

Genuinely curious as to whether it is possible to cultivate and have a good relationship with your grandchild(ren) if you do not wish to undertake at least some element of regular “childcare”.

How does that work?

Would it work for you/ her/ your DH. If once a month, say the 2nd Wednesday, she collects your DC from nursery early. Takes him home for some one on one time together.

You then return from work and have dinner together. You could have something really easy that just needs to be heated up. Curry/ stew etc

You get on with your evening putting DS to bed/ whatever else you need and then hopefully get an hour to chat/ relax/ watch tv after.

My mam works full time and lives 3hrs away she calls up every 8ish weeks and stays 2 nights. ILs live really close by but are in their 70s MIL wanted to take DS one day a week but she got very sick. We had still had him booked into nursery and thought she could take/ leave that day as she wished. We do see them several times a week though

When we do spend time all together my Mum shows little interest in looking after her grandson - whether it be nappy changes, meal times or bath times

This statement struck me - why should your mother 'look after' your son? She's coming on a family visit and shouldn't have to 'earn her keep', so to speak.

She doesn't have to give childcare.

Isn’t this a bit like wanting things both ways though. She can’t complain she has no relationship with him, but then not actually do anything to build that relationship when she does see him? How better to build a good relationship with your grandson than giving him a bath?

OP is completely unreasonable to expect grandma to do regular childcare, but equally, grandma is unreasonable to expect regular visits from a working family, especially if she isn’t going to do much interaction with the baby when they do visit.

Childcare isn't a grandparent's responsibility. It's nice if it's offered but you have kids for you, not for their grandparents.

Also, if a 60 min drive, 90 public transport journey, you live too far away for her to be childcare. You can't say the journey is too far for you to visit her but then assume it's OK for her to do it to be your childcare.

It's fair enough that you don't see her more often though. Once a month is reasonable since you both work full-time. Explain that to her.

The problem for her is this will get worse the older DS gets as your Saturdays get sucked up with activities and parties etc.

I actually understand that she doesn’t want to do a full days care, not everyone is up for it. I’ve seen GP who were unsuitable for it pushed into doing it.
Would she say pick him up early once a week, like 3pm and bring him home, or is that still too much for her, because she will need to meet you half way. She could stay over, travel back the next day at leisure. Drop him at nursery. Not full care but taking the need for you to rush off you.

My MIL spent a lot of time complaining she didn’t see DD. She wasn’t interested in her in the slightest, she wanted DH to go see her. So we would make the 4 hour trip to visit for her to ignore DD and ask me every 5 minutes when she was going for a nap. I used to push DH to go on his own which was easy once DD started swimming etc.

Its a shame a lot are like this now. We have the same problem. My mum was 60 when my son was born and is local. She's never wanted to look after my son. She collects him from school just brings him back to us, 1 or 2 days a week and will complain about that but we have no choice as I work nights and my partner works long shifts. I wish I didn't need her to do it at all as she keeps reminding me she's 68 now and its a big inconvenience for a retired woman like herself. She forgets her mum used to have me and my sister every weekend staying there from Friday night to Monday morning when we were kids.

it's about a 40-60 min drive / 90 min public transport each way

How would it have worked then if she did offer to look after your child one day a week?

Being your nanny shouldn’t be the price of admission to see your child and grandchild. Nor should she need to take care of her grandchild when visiting with you on the weekend. Why does she need to do nappy changes or baths? She isn’t the parent. She is a grandparent and it’s perfectly fine if she just wants to do the fun parts.

Decide what frequency of visits works for you. Maybe have her over once a month. Then just stick to it the best you can.

I think the reality here is that your lives are just too busy to facilitate contact in the way that your mother would like, and everything else is just window-dressing.

Personally I'd scale visiting her right back to once a month. Given you both work full-time and need time for R&R and to spend together as a family, travelling to her once a month is reasonable.

Then she can choose to travel to you for a visit once a month as well, so you see each other once a fortnight, alternating between her house and yours.

YABU to expect her to stay over in your home to provide childcare and SIBU to expect you to be always giving up your other plans to visit her. She's just not going to have the relationship she wants with her DGC in the present circumstances, and unfortunately she's going to have to accept that.

GPs can have a very good relationship with GCs without being regular childcare. It's about showing interest, interacting with them and spending time with them. That doesn't have to be childcare and doesn't have to be solo or even changing nappies.

I think it’s a pretty fair expectation! I’ve watched my parents be grandparents and the way they’re treated is shocking. It’s clear a lot of parents see their own parents as free childcare and that’s it!

Of course not, 3but neither can they expect to see them every weekend when both partners are working and it’s the only chance they get to do stuff as a family, or clean, garden etc etc

So grandparents now have to provide free childcare in order to see their grandchildren?

When she moans I would point out that you are both working full time and that the weekends are the only time you have to spend as a family so she may not see the child as much as she likes as family time is also important

i would point out her lack of interest when she does come

Perhaps invite her to days out every so often instead?

When we do spend time all together my Mum shows little interest in looking after her grandson - whether it be nappy changes, meal times or bath times

This sounds very transactional. Maybe she just doesn't like babies or small DC. She's done her bit in having DC and raising them. Why should she go back to changing nappies??