My Mum doesn't want to help with childcare but makes me feel guilty that she doesn't see her grandson regularly

Can you not make a visit at the weekend part of your family time planning? Your mam wants to see you as well as her grandchild, her love for you doesn't transfer to the GC, she still wants your time. I've 3 kids, we both work full time and have no help, we still get the kids to their grandparents or meet in a park for a walk every 2nd weekend at least. I love seeing them and I love seeing their relationship with my kids.

.

It's absolutely fair that she doesn't want to help with childcare.

Family time should be the top priority though, and I’m sorry but OP makes it clear she only wants her mum to see her grandchildren if she’ll do childcare.

Childcare is optional if she doesn’t want to that her choice. My ils are a similar distance and we see them about twice a month combination of us visiting/them visiting.
other weekends we relax or go out as a family.
we also ask ils to babysit occasionally so we can go out.
if they complained about not seeing is enough I would say we don’t have any more free time, if you want to see him more it needs to be childcare.

You say transactional I say care. It’s all care and nurture which works both ways. GPs should offer childcare (childcare comes in a number of ways not always nursery substitute) if they are fit and able to because responsibility towards your child doesn’t expire at 18 however GPs are well within their right to decline childcare but then should not wonder what the hell happened when they’re sat alone in a care home living out the rest of their days in isolation.

It is well known bonds are created in the first few years of a child’s life so it’s not like OP is expecting her to adopt the grandchild but to put some effort and quality time in in the beginning. Childhood is a very, very brief period.

It's not about how people see things. It's about hours in the day. Between work, school, housework, kids friends and activities, other social obligations 3/4 visits a week plus travel time is just impossible for most.

My god I’m shocked at some of these responses! Why should a GP have to provide childcare in order to have a good relationship with their GC? They presumably looked after you and brought you up, they’ve done their bit! If they want to, then of course, but if not, why not let them enjoy their role of GP? It’s beneficial for your kids for them to form a loving relationship with their GP.

I would never ever make my mums contact with my children dependent on whether she’s prepared to care for them or not. I can’t believe some people think that way!

There have been a lot of these sorts of posts lately, and they've made me think.
Times have changed, and with most parents working full time, it's very different to when my children were young and we could just pop in to see grandparent during the week.

I used to work evenings, weekends, and occasionally I did extra hours if there was a need, and if my mum could have them.

My mum did and still does have a better relationship with my now adult children, because the other grandparents never looked after them (not even once) despite being asked occasionally. We are local to my inlaws and would visit on some Sundays (not every week much to their obvious disgust)

It's hard now when the only time to see friends/family is at the weekend.

We do some care for our GC, and we see them with their parents too, but it's not all the time because everyone is leading such busy lives. We have a GC here today in fact, but I have mostly left Grandad in charge as i have work (wfh) to do.

I don’t think sitting with a child in the bath whilst their parents are around is childcare. It’s normal interaction. I’d do it with my friends kids, walk to the shop with them to buy something for 5 minutes.

It doesn’t sound like she wants to have normal interactions with DS, which is all you can have with small children to build a relationship.
My friends mum was very unwell when her DD was small so they read a book together once a week.

My mum didn’t see it like that because it was time with her mother. How sad that we now see precious family time as a burden rather than a blessing.

This.

Although the OP is also within reason to set boundaries. Family time is precious.

I am not sure how often you are seeing your mum at the moment @BigSister1991 and what this looks like (does it take your whole weekend? Is it once a month?) but you are free to make decisions to make your life easier.

You can't hold your mum to ransom though.

Seems like blackmail. Give me childcare or don't see the grandchildren. When did this become normal?
When I was pregnant my mother offered to look after the baby but I didn't want her to have that permanent obligation, I much preferred her to have him occasionally just for fun or if needed to help out.
As it turned out it was the right decision because he was ill a lot and if he was too ill for nursery but not so ill that I needed to be there my mum stepped in. She also had him every few weeks overnight so plenty of bonding there without someone in her 60s having to do full on child minding.
However I do agree that she should be the one to visit you more than the other way round.

3/4 visits a week must have taken up a huge amount of your mums time. I'm sure it was lovely but you must be able to appreciate that something like that simply isn't possible for most people.

Why can’t she just visit for the day? I am her age and frequently travel 2 hours each way on trains see my adult DC for the day.

Does she have disabilities?

My mum has a very good relationship with my children and lives over 600 miles away!
She visits regularly of every 6 weeks (we visit twice a year). When she visits she plays with them, interacts, cuddles, does crafts and bakes. She comes along for school run or nursery drop off. Treats them to an ice cream etc.
She also video calls them twice a week and has done since they were babies so they are used to seeing her face. They tell her about what they have been up to and vice versa (yes when younger less so but they would be happy smiling at the screen).
She has baby sat on occasions when visiting but it's for us to go out for dinner so we put the children to bed etc. We never expect it and it's a nice treat.

My MIL has the opposite relationship with them but she makes zero effort with them and doesn't even send a birthday card.

Are all your relationships this transactional? And what about Grandad’s? No childcare expected of them but they’ll have a good relationship with the grandkids anyway?

What an odd question.

I have lovely memories of all 4 of my grandparents, plus my great grandmother, who we used to visit and spend time with, but none of who ever looked after us.

None of my parents or in-laws provided childcare for us either. We paid for a childminder. Not sure why you would expect a Grandparent to work a physically demanding job of looking after a baby / toddler / or even some dc.

I think, if you happen to live locally, it is pretty normal to offer to babysit the odd evening or to take them off to the park for an hour, but regular childcare is not 'expected' of most Grandparents I know. I know lots of Grandparents who enjoy spending time with Grandchild alongside the parents.

Some choose to commit to a day a week's childcare, or help out when their dc go off to a wedding, or even to an appointment, but there should be no expectation.

She worked in the family business, but she would choose to work late at night.

Expecting your child’s grandparents to do childcare or never see their grandchildren is just disgusting and I’ll never move from that viewpoint.

Just ask her. Baffles me how these Grans expect to have a good relationship with grandchildren when they won’t make the effort with a bit of child care. You get out what you put in. Not like she doesn’t have the time.

It’s a baby/toddler. If she wants to just ‘see’ him she can do that on FaceTime for a few minutes. Primary bonds are created to care and nurture. If she can’t be bothered to change the odd nappy or do a feed. Rock him or get on the floor and do some fun play then she may as well not bother at all.

Just ignore her demands. See her when you want to. I wouldn’t be giving up precious time at the weekend with my child to keep a GP happy.

You may not have noticed, but that is still her doing childcare. I get it. You want more weekend time for yourselves and that's fine. Don't visit as often. Make it clear that if she wants to visit she will be welcome and can spend time with her family. But childcare is a different thing and one isn't contingent on the other.

Sounds like your mum had a lot of free time to spend at your grandparent’s house, though.

I don’t think that is realistic for most people.

My husband and I both work full time, my children have afterschool clubs, homework every night, dinner/bathtime reading before bed etc. I even feel rushed for time to get through all of that nightly - I wouldn’t be able to fit in multiple visits at my parents’ house too.

And weekends aren’t much better. I also have housework etc. I personally don’t have that kind of time to spend sitting around my parents’ house. I don’t even really get the chance to sit around in my own house. As much as I would like to.

Can’t you invite her over for tea once a week? Mid-week, one of the days you WFH.

My mum doesn’t provide any childcare but I take my two to see her every Sunday (50 minutes each way) and she makes lunch for us. She’s never changed a nappy or fed them but I don’t expect her to, it’s not her job. Her role is to play, snuggle, spoil 🤷🏻‍♀️ It doesn’t impede on family time because she is my family!