My Mum doesn't want to help with childcare but makes me feel guilty that she doesn't see her grandson regularly

No. She hasn't said she "wont" take her child to visit. Her mum is complaining that they don't visit often enough. Very different statements.

She’s said she won’t take her child to visit her mother because she won’t do a bath or a nappy!

Wowsers. Well, my dad was dead, my mum was in her 70s, lived an hour and a half away and was doing childcare for my niece which was enough for her, my MIL lived too far away and FIL was away with the fairies (and eventually diagnosed with dementia).

So, fuck ‘em, I guess.

(Editing to add this - it never once occurred to me or DH that we shouldn’t facilitate DD having a relationship with her GPs. Of course, that’s a two-way street with taking it in turns to visit. But not once did I think, ach well, they’re not doing child care so sod ‘em.)

OP and her DH work full time and their child is in nursery five days a week. They would like to spend time at home with their child at weekends, having not seen him all week, but instead have to drive to OP's mum's house every weekend. OP's mum makes no effort at all with her grandchild during the visit. It's OP's mum that sounds selfish and entitled, not OP.

I think it's really hard to build a bond with a gc if you don't see them by themselves tbh. It doesn't haven't to be regular childcare but I do think regular contact without parents.

But it is the same issue as OPs. She isn't demanding childcare, she isn't even asking. If there are no more spare hours for visits, childcare is the only viable way to spend more time with the DC. It really does just come down to hours in a day. Perhaps you gladly dedicate every waking moment to your parents, but that isn't normal and shouldn't be an expectation.

This isn’t about emotional blackmail though.

At the moment (I’m child free) I manage to see my parents once every 6 weeks or so, and sometimes it goes months. Me and DH have a full on job, try to plan a day together at least once a week and succeed most weeks (incredibly rare we get to spend two full days together). Evenings are filled with various admin tasks, commuting and appointments most weeks, this week we have one clear evening after medical appointments/vets appointments/dog related activities.

If I added a baby into the mix, I very much expect I’ll have less spare time than I do now. If I can only manage a six weekly visit with my mum now, then I don’t expect I’ll suddenly have a day a week I can see her once I have a baby. So if she wants more time than that, then the literal only option would be childcare. I’d want her to have a relationship with my baby, I’d facilitate it as much as possible, but in reality that’s no more than a few hours visit once a month.

I think you're being unreasonable here.

Children are children. They need to be looked after. Either you're the one looking after them or someone else is. If it's someone else, then you're going to see them less because meet-ups will only happen when it's convenient for whoever is providing childcare.

Parents get tired, especially if working full-time. They need down-time and rest. They can't always be trekking over to mind their kids in someone else's house.

but this post isn’t about you. It’s about OP saying her mother’s only options are to look after the child or not see them at all.

I’d scale back the visits to something that is manageable for you and your family. Your mum is not unreasonable to not want to commit to childcare but if she does want a relationship with your Dc then she also has to be realistic about your circumstances and time constraints.

It isn't about "deserving" anything. But if I only have 30 hours a week spare I'm not going to spend 20 of them with my mum. And she shouldn't expect me to. I can only assume you have never been a parent, let alone a working one, if you can't grasp this.

I think it's really disingenuous of you to pretend that the only solution is for her to do childcare - and really cheeky of her to expect you all to travel to her.

In her early sixties she could easily travel to you if she wants to see either you or her DGC.

As I’ve said to other posters, I can’t continue this conversation. I’ve watched my parents fall victim to this. The idea that the only way they “deserve” to see their grandchildren is if they give up their time to look after them and the selfishness makes me unspeakably angry.

Well yeah but then we circle back to hours in the day. Can't have everything unfortunately. Want more time with grandkids, only option is to be more hands on. Parents don't have endless spare time for visits.

Family time. Not free childcare.

It’s not bargaining - it’s simple maths.

Some children have four separate grandparents. If you add up 5 days in childcare/full time work, then seeing each grandparent once a month, that’s one day a week of core family time. Add into that kids parties and seeing adult friends, maybe one each a month that’s two days of family down time a month. Less if you want to see other family members too.

Small children can’t form meaningful bonds by seeing someone just a few hours each month. The only things that can possibly give here is time with other grandparent (but even at best that might get you to two days a month), family time (which is now at a premium at 2 days a month and is already bordering on an unhealthy family unit dynamic) or grandparents giving childcare.

This. My friends parents live in Aus and their grand babies are super attached to them because the GPs have a similar set up with regular visits and during the visits they actually do a lot. In contrast to the other GPs who live in the same city but don’t really put any effort in and wonder why they are referred to as the ‘other grandparents’.

I don’t think it is an odd question.

I really can’t understand how grandparents are building good bonds and relationships with their grandchildren if they aren’t providing some element of regular “childcare”.

And by childcare, I don’t mean being a substitute for nursery. Or picking them up from school every day until parents finish work. Or even looking after a baby.

I mean sitting with them while they are in the bath. Taking them to the park one Sunday. Cooking dinner for them once a month. That kind of thing. Actually wanting to spend time with and enjoying that time with their grandchildren.

I wasn't sure where to land on the AIBU vote.

You are YANBU to ask your Mum to come over to see DS more often and pick up her share of the travel.

YABU to tie this to childcare.

The two are very different issues. We had no active GP support for our kids, but we still managed to maintain a good relationship with them.

A little incongruous with your subsequent "Family time should be the top priority though"...

I can’t continue this conversation, I’ve seen my parents be victims to these attitudes and it destroys them.

my daughter , many years ago , lived next door to me in Canada. Her two children were often in my house but it was not a given. I owned a restaurant and was busy with my (at that point, pre covid) 18 full time employees and 12 part timers. I still worked alot of hours around her shifts, but is was not a given. I did alot of school runs on my way to restaurant, and the kids ran in and out all the time. I had a small STOP sign. If needed just to keep them out, sign was put in my garden by the steps to front door. You are owed no babysitting and you should think yourself lucky and be grateful for any care you get. My grands are older now, but if my daughter ever was so rude to say, no babysitting, no time with kids, I would have knocked her down a few pegs. Luckily my daughter has always been so grateful to the fact that I was available (on my time) and my teen monsters love me.

So how often is she hoping to see you all OP?

Every weekend = too much when you and partner are working full time.

Msybe you could go to hers once a month and she could come to you at one other time per month which suits everyone.

WRT expecting her to change nappies on visits - i find that odd. Who likes changing nappies ?!? Neither of my nans bathed me or got anywhere near my bum as a baby and it didn't have any baring on the next 20 years of our relationship as gran and grand child.

Doing the grunt work with babies doesn't 'build relationships' - a board game or trip to the park is better i recon .

Family time doesn't mean all free time directed towards one person. You don't seem to have a realistic grasp of the time pressures working families are under.
Of course granny doesn't have to provide childcare, but she does need to be more realistic about how much time OP can dedicate to visiting her.

Yes because seeing your grandchild once a week or changing the odd nappy means you’re basically a teenage mum.