My Mum doesn't want to help with childcare but makes me feel guilty that she doesn't see her grandson regularly

Wanting to do it - which OP’s mother doesn’t want to, is very different to being expected to!

I never claimed otherwise. You are the one saying gp help means parents are not caring for their dc. It's a stupid thing to say.

"The deal"?

Unless she has offered explicitly that she would love to spend two nights a week at your house providing free child care, then it's not on the table as an option.

But she isn't being expected to! She's simply being told that it is the solution to the time constraints!

Wanting to do it - which OP’s mother doesn’t want to, is very different to being expected to!

And?

But your child is still your child and yours to care for even if they’re in the presence of their grandparent!

The bit you are struggling to comprehend is that some gps want to feed, burp, rock their gc to sleep, read them a story, etc. This doesn't mean the parent has absolved themselves of care 🙄

We have never had any offer of childcare and as such, time with GP in law is led by us, they never offer to come round here (5 mins away) or do anything that is not us visiting their living room. I think they expect (rightly) that we are busy.

My mum initially offered weekly childcare but lives a similar distance (60mins) and cannot drive. It was not a sincere offer as she is not remotely confident caring for a baby. She now feels v sorry for herself that she does not see her grandchild as much as she would like, but we also have no spare room so every visit is half a day minimum and as such occurs monthly ish. I'm envious of friends with involved grandparents who do or don't provide childcare but mainly who come round and are actively involved, cultivate a bond, take them to the park for an hour so parents can get things done.

My dad visits on my 1 day off a week. He has never expressed an interest in providing childcare during this time and always expects to come to us to make contact easier especially as he is in a small flat. On weekends he may occasionally arrange to join our family activities. He is probably the closest of them all to my child simply because he doesn't have to rely on us finding free weekend time to come to him, he is proactive. When you work full time it's very difficult to juggle it all.

If you want a good relationship with someone, you actually need to put some work into it.

@Vivi0 apparently this is revolutionary 😆

We obviously weren’t newborns - that’s a different period. But your child is still your child and yours to care for even if they’re in the presence of their grandparent!

I didn’t want to do regular childcare every week but am more than happy to help out in the holidays when nursery’s/schools shut. Maybe your mum could do the same.

In terms of changing nappies etc., of course not! My mum was there to look after us - we are her children. Not my grandmother’s

I think this is bizarre, my cousin visited yesterday with her newborn. I changed the babies nappy because my friend had just sat down for a tea & was exhausted. The baby didn't become my dc post nappy change!

Entitlement, plain and simple

Why on earth do people think that their parents should provide childcare when they retire!?!

For some people it's normal though. My gps & DHs gps did childcare so we grew up assuming parents would be involved. They are involved.

She would sometimes provide dinner - but not very often and usually when she’d ordered meals on wheels that she didn’t like. In terms of changing nappies etc., of course not! My mum was there to look after us - we are her children. Not my grandmother’s

@RainSoakedNights and all that time at your grans every single week she didn't ever feed you, change a nappy, comfort you, give you a bath?

Why on earth do people think that their parents should provide childcare when they retire!?! Your child, you sort childcare.
She should travel to you but you should be willing to see your own mother occasionally/want her to have a relationship with your dc without an obligation or expectation of regular childcare.

I agree with this.

I ask my parents to have my children overnight maybe once every couple of months. So that my husband and I can do something together. I consider that to be childcare.

My parents ask to see my children once a week. To take them out, or to spend time at their home. They give them dinner and a bath. I don’t consider that to be childcare, although many of this thread would. I’m not asking them to take my children, I don’t need them to. My parents actually want to spend time with them and enjoy it.

Realistically, if you want to have a bond and relationship with your grandchildren, you are going to have to be prepared to actually look after them on occassion, without the parents present, because most parents don’t have the time to sit in someone else’s house for hours on a weekly basis.

If you want a good relationship with someone, you actually need to put some work into it.

My dad’s parents died before I was born. My dad was at work. Extra curriculars were completed on days not at my nan’s. You don’t need to be doing them every day.

You missed the bit where it states ‘fit and able to’.

I understand why you resent her for this but it’s her decision not to help out on a regular basis.

But I wouldn’t feel guilt tripped into how regularly you visit her.

If she’s a good mother and grandmother then you have to put that resentment aside for the future of your relationship with her. In the great scheme of things, would it be worth any kind of tension or falling out with her?

My mum didn’t see it like that because it was time with her mother. How sad that we now see precious family time as a burden rather than a blessing.

The majority of people don't have that time free, did you miss time with your dad when you were at your grans 3/4 x a week? Did you miss out on extracurriculars? What about your dad's parents?

I wouldn’t want someone looking after my child who was doing it reluctantly. She doesn’t sound very child oriented. My MIL was like that and I would only have asked her in an emergency.

That’s not what she said at all but then you know that.

Pray how does one spend time with another WITHOUT giving up some of their time? You’re being ridiculous and angry for no reason.

Your child your responsibility. Relationship with mum is another issue.