My Mum doesn't want to help with childcare but makes me feel guilty that she doesn't see her grandson regularly

"Recently my Mum has been complaining that she doesn't get to see her grandson often enough ..."

'Join the club Mum, with the hours I work I feel as if I never see him enough either. During the working week it's barely more than bath & bed, and then at the weekend so much travelling to see you. Something's got to give, and it really cannot be work <hard stare>. Why do you want to see him anyway, you don't really interact much with him when we visit, I'm always left with the impression you "just [want] to enjoy adult social time" '.

Harsh, I know @BigSister1991. But am I very wide of the mark?

As for the fact she's only started complaining recently - does she have friends boasting to her how often they see their grandchildren? Is there a competition going on, and she doesn't like to lose?

You said that after saying that GPs should offer childcare if they are fit and able, and that if they exercised their right not to they shouldn’t wonder if their relationship with their DC went tits up.

You know what you said and meant, I know what you said and meant. No point in carrying on with you if you’re going to keep rewriting that.

This sounds like a perfect solution. She's not exactly elderly is she?

It sounds as though she doesn't want to look after him, she just wants to see him as part of a family meet up. I don't think it's weird that she doesn't change his nappy or give him a bath etc. when you're all together - I'm pretty sure no one ever did that for me either. Does she play with him, or read to him or whatever?
You shouldn't feel obliged to visit her every weekend though, after being at work all week. It is what it is - if she's not keen on doing childcare she has to accept less frequent visits, unless she comes to you when you're free.

Grandparents don't have to babysit or do any childcare if they don't want to.

However, they can't then complain that they don't see them enough or aren't prioritised. Times have changed. Both parents are usually working full time, juggling errands, after school clubs/activities, housework, dinner, bedtime, family time, hobbies and then seeing friends and wider family (as well as sets of grandparents/stepgrandparents). There isn't enough time to do it all.

I find I'm seeing my mum and mil roughly once every 6-8 weeks as they live an hour away. My dad however is closer and more proactive. He'll ask me when he can take dc out for the day and make an effort. We see him every 2 weeks roughly. Kids adore him.

On another note, I hope these absent grandparents aren't expecting their kids to bend over backwards when they need help in future. I've seen too many women running themselves ragged caring for elderly parents, parenting teenagers while going through menopause. All for parents who never lifted a finger to help when the grandkids were little (conveniently forgetting the childcare their own parents gave them). The village works both ways and you get what you put in

My mum had the exact same situation with my Nanna. Her solution was to invite my Nana round for in essence afternoon tea on a Saturday. My mum would make a few lots of sandwiches, and a salad & my Nana would home bake a cake. She would turn up about three, we would eat between 430 and 530. Tidy up, and then naturally between six and 630 is bath and bedtime, so my Nana would leave. I think it was once a fortnight. Seemed to work pretty well for everyone. You could make it once a month.

Suit yourselves because thats what she's doing.

My DM weirdly did this but the other way round she insisted she wanted fixed days and i knew it would be a mess so found FT childcare, put my child in 5 days and listened to my mum complain about it.

I told her anytime she wanted to she could pick my dd up early or just take her out for a day...the CM was fine with it.
In 2.5yrs she has taken me up on it precisely ZERO times.

Tell her she can spend time with her grandchildren on an ad hoc half day or full day WHENEVER she wants mon-fri just let you know a few days in advance.
DO NOT give up your weekends regularly so she can pretend shes grandma of the year while ignoring your son.

You missed the bit where i said they are within their rights to say no however in this case and many others have no reason to be disappointed and dissatisfied with how their relationships have ended up with their GPs.

But I did miss “fit and able and want to”. Because you didn’t say that, did you? Because you don’t think GPs (specifically grandmothers) should have that choice, do you?

She would have to trek over to her mum’s if her mum was doing childcare, though. I really can’t understand how that was meant to pan out - was the OP/her DH going to do a 2 hour drive/3 hour round trip on public transport to get to her mum’s (and then go to work) - or was her mum expected to do that? I’m guessing the latter.

…

Okay, I think that’s enough internet for me today.

She isn’t obliged to do childcare.. my mum has never and is the exact same position as your mother but I make the effort to see her now an then but expect her to also come to me or meet somewhere.

You cannot conflate the two points.

Your mum doesn't want to childmind. That is not unreasonable, my mum didn't want to either unless it was in her home which was just not practical with commuting times so it didn't happen and I never had an issue with that. Asking someone to commit to travelling and living in your house 1-2 fixed days a week is a big ask.

Your mum, says she wants a relationship with your dc. Grandparent relationships are special so I went out of my way to support that between my dc and my parents and I am glad I did, my dc learnt a lot from my parents and they were incredibly close. Working FT your own nuclear family time is precious, but time together with your dc's extended family is just as precious too.

No but If she was angry that you didn’t do it, that would be entitled. Most people would think fair enough, not her job!

So it's only entitled if someone gets angry?

She could pick him up early from nursery occasionally instead of offering regular childcare?

Gps do not have to provide regular childcare, many are not physically capable & many are still working. However relationships need effort and unless effort is made it's very hard to foster said relationship.

My dc are currently staying at one of their gps, they've have probably eaten too many sweets and watched too much TV. They love time with their gps, just like I did.

No but If she was angry that you didn’t do it, that would be entitled. Most people would think fair enough, not her job!

No, I’m not. I’m saying that it’s the expectation of this that is entitled.

So when my friend was sipping her tea & I offered to change her babies nappy that was not entitled but if she sat there hoping & praying in her mind that I would offer that is entitled?

I agree that grandma should be making her way to their house for visits, in this case at least, but not to take over parenting tasks.

Like a PP above said, it’s supposed to be a nice family visit. My grandparents were definitely guests. My parents fed and watered them while us kids competed for their attention. They might bring us a little gift or a pound coin (“Don’t spend it all at once!”)

I’ve just had a thought - no iPads and YouTube in those days. We were happy to interact in silly ways with adults because there was nothing around that would give us more dopamine than their attention. Maybe it’s a lot harder to get your grandchildren’s attention these days unless you’re literally doing these care-taking jobs?

I could have written this about my mum and MIL. Around the age of 2, I stopped keeping Saturdays and Sundays for grandparent visits and started doing stuff for us or with friends with kids. My MIL has also been reminded recently that the reason she doesn’t see them more often is on her because she won’t come in the week and she didn’t want to commit to weekly childcare. I’ve also had to remind her that my eldest is approaching starting school and is therefore going to be there 5 days a week and her weekends also have hobbies and parties and she will have to fit in around those. She got a bit shitty.

but then I suggested she come pick up my daughter from school and take her to a hobby on a weekday afternoon and it was ‘too much of a commitment’. Her expectation is for us to go to their house for one weekend day every week (so long as she doesn’t have a better offer). While we are there we still do everything for the kids, and she recently refused to keep any baby equipment at their house so it would be easier for us to visit.

my mum complains she doesn’t see us but it’s because she wants her days off for her and only concedes to seeing us on Sundays. Which I can’t do each week.

I feel conflicted because it’s their choice to say no to weekly childcare but they can’t get hurt when we can’t see them regularly.

My dad was at work

She worked in the family business, but she would choose to work late at night.

When I was 13/14 and didn’t need “childcare” as such, after my granddad had died, I would go up to her house most nights after schoo

Family time should be the top priority though,

When did you prioritise time with your immediate family?

I didn't read it as an "expectation". Rather a suggestion as to how granny could spend more time with grandchild. OP is clearly not "expecting" it because it isn't happening and doesn't look likely that it would ever happen... I get the impression that mum doesn't drive so getting there and back is difficult, thus spending the night.
It is very difficult to handle people who demand increasing amounts of your time but offer no concessions. I feel for OP. Working parents can only juggle so much.

OP has said “the deal” would be that her mother would be expected to spend 1 or 2 nights at her home.

I’m not sure why it’s a problem that when you’re all spending time together she doesn’t do nappy changes, feeding/bath times? I don’t expect any family/friends to do any of those things when we spend time together, it’s more interacting/playing etc than what I would say are the basics of looking after a child?

No, I’m not. I’m saying that it’s the expectation of this that is entitled.