My Mum doesn't want to help with childcare but makes me feel guilty that she doesn't see her grandson regularly

Don’t worry OP mums net is full of older women who are probably less than amazing grandparents. Don’t become a parent if you don’t want to be a parent for life and help your children.

I don’t even think you understand what point you’re making anymore other than repeating or attempting to construe what I’m saying. Relationships work both ways, grandparents have no special exemption. Yours were clearly too unwell to do so but that isn’t in the case in OPs and countless others.

This isn’t just to see her DGC though, is it? This is what the OP wants her to do to provide free childcare. Not childcare at her mum’s convenience, oh no.

When my mum looked after my niece one day a week, my sister had to take her DD to our mum’s, via 2 trains.

Are you taking the piss? Why on earth would she want to do that

I think that would be an awkward arrangement for all parties. I can’t imagine your mum would want to spend 1 or 2 nights away from home each week (and does she have pets?) and would you and your DH really want overnight guests that often?

I’d hate to do that.

It sounds like you resent her for not providing one day a week of childcare. If so, then I think that is a bit unreasonable of you. Fair enough if she doesn't want to provide a full day's childcare for a nursery-age child - it's knackering.

But it's also fair enough that you don't want to spend as much of your weekend time going over to see her as perhaps you have been.

If (for example) one weekend-day a month with your family isn't enough for your mum, why not suggest she looks after her grandson one afternoon a week or even fortnight - i.e. picks him up from nursery.

Sounds as if she resents the attention that you give to your child OP.

Well you did mention the OP - so I thought you were specifically referencing the OP’s situation.

I’m referencing one posters pp not the whole thread tbh

I read it as less of an expectation, more of a solution.

You’re missing the point which is OPs expectations of her mother. If you read back over the comment you responded to the pp was not talking about Grandparents they were talking about parental expectations as a completely separate issue.

Why should she have to have the hassle of the travelling?

Because she is the one complaining that she doesn’t see her grandson regularly enough and the OP doesn’t have the luxury of time to travel to her to facilitate that.

If she wants to see her grandson more often, she is going to have to put in the effort.

This

Re your last paragraph. This is what we did but tbh I found it was easier to visit the grandparents. I didn’t have to bother cooking and cleaning then. Just pop in the car, 2 hours later we are being fed and able to chill. ( although my MIL didn’t bother [ we had to take our own sandwiches 😳] But my mum always rolled out the treats for us )

Why should she have to have the hassle of the travelling? And staying 2 nights (because that’s what it would be) and ending up doing 2-3 days’ childcare no doubt. And the OP is having a laugh that her mum could do childcare in her house while she’s working from home. That would be very disruptive for her work.

That’s fine, everyone’s different. If they would rather do X in retirement. We all make our choices.

Of course she doesn't have to provide support to her dd and dgc, but I think it's at least a bit unusual that she doesn't. It wouldn't have to be the regular childcare, but most families help out a bit when you're slogging through the baby and toddler years.

Ultimately, the op is in a phase of her life where she doesn't have a lot of time for a social life, and I'm not convinced she is obligated to spend her limited free time taking her dc to her retired dm. I imagine she's exhausted!

I'd probably try to stay bright and breezy, just reoffer that she's welcome to come and see you if she'd like more time with her dgc, but don't offer to do all the travelling. Then she gets to decide what to do.

If they live round the corner one assumes you’re regularly in each others houses and pop in. So regular contact. Clearly not doomed. Sounds a lovely set up.

OP you can’t force it. This thread tells you how different people are and their approach to their family/children/grandchildren. It’s either natural or it isn’t. Luck of the draw.

I'm a grandmother. My eldest DD has lovely toddler and live round the corner ...

BUT - i still have a primary aged child and an older one living at home and i work.

I don't have the time to be doing child care for my grandchild ... i barely have time to scratch at the moment!

Apparently this means my relationship with my GC is doomed then ?? 🙄

I don’t think it’s about being close it’s about what grandparents want to do with their retirement.

The issue nevertheless is not about what grandparents want to go it’s about expectations of parents

They don’t necessarily. But some grandparents WANT to as they don’t want to see babies going into nurseries/child minders. They want that really close relationship with a grandchild. I was cared for by grandparents and had a very close relationship with them which was lovely. Then my parents wanted to do it for my DC. Some families are very close. Some are not.

She’s not your free babysitter. She’s your mum and your child’s grandmother. Once you fully appreciate the difference you may see the light.

An hour away is nothing but you need to set boundaries moving forward. We lived 2hrs approx from each set of grandparents and rotated them seeing them each once every 6 weeks. ( so we were seeing a set of grandparents every 3rd week ) We also rotated who came to who.

When they got older it was less due to sports training and matches but if parents could come to us that was all fine. ( one couldn’t unfortunately so they did miss out )

The question is about a grandmother and similar comments on MN are about grandmothers! I think grandmothers (and grandads to be equal!!) are rather selfish to not assist their daughters (or sons haha!!) with children. When they are capable of doing so. My mother would have been very disappointed if I’d have placed my DC in nursery and not sake her for help. And they have a lovely relationship due to the bonds they made.