Sister's wedding and no children invited

I’ve never been to a child free wedding - just goes to show - guess it’s different social circles - and avoiding additional expense for the guests

also never asked family or friends to get a hotel when we can all shove up and have people at home / I mean do I think they are made of money?

would never refuse to invite in someone who just popped by on the off chance

In my opinion that's not it. I don't care about perfection, I'm not on Instagram or Facebook or whatever else. And I still don't want kids at my wedding.

I'm sure they're very nice but I don't think everything they do is amazing and I don't feel it's in any way making my day 'complete' to have them there. I think it's odd that so many people feel like it's mandatory

Yes, I understand that some people will choose not to come - but it'll be just that, their choice. If they want to make it work they will.

I eloped to Las Vegas, it was fantastic, left all the bitching "But this is what I waaaannnntt" relatives behind and did as we pleased, just as any bride and groom should do.

Nope, no weddings I went to bar one in the 80s and 90s had kids. Everybody complained about the one that had kids because we were forced to watch them doing a fucking turn on the dance floor. Adults just wanted to get on with drinking and dancing and instead had to sit politely while kids bored us all to death with a highland fling, or some such nonsense.

Adults were delighted to leave their kids with someone and have a proper adult day out. Absolutely normal.

Are you coming back, OP?

Yes, props. That thread was particularly bad.

You had a child-free wedding, didn't you @thelakeisle ?

I went to many weddings in the 80s - still in church halls, possibly a marquee on the garden, catering by a collective of relatives, possibly an outside caterer if quite rich.

Kids tearing about unsupervised, sitting under tables drinking the dregs from wine glasses while parents got rat-arsed and many smoked.

Also, a willing and trusted babysitter at that. As many on MN seem to expect others to just pay for complete strangers to mind the young babies and children whilst the adults swan off to child free weddings without a worry.

One thing is for sure…if your sister becomes a mother herself, I hope she remembers how she treated you, and is as quick to bow to all the demands of people who may invite her to weddings in the future. I wonder if she would be as quick to leave her own babies/toddlers for that amount of time 🤔 She may in time realise how unreasonable this is.

Oh, and child free weddings were very much the norm in the 80s, much to everyone's delight. It was the rare exception that had kids there, and usually people hated it.

Not that this matters, of course, but the usual "Never heard of this" bollocks will have been trotted out.

Anyway, your kids are not going, so you're going to have to accept that.

Tell your sister you have chosen not to be in the wedding party as you don't want to go without your kids, tell her politely, then have no further discussions on it. Or go without your kids and don't whine. Those are your two options.

Well, to be fair you have two other options, go or don't go and endlessly snivel on about it. You're off to a good start here 😂

This 100% 👏🏻

I think if you’re telling guests what to wear (the recent thread where everyone had to wear black, no colours allowed at all, even coloured nails) then you’re not viewing them as guests, just models. Or props.

Lol, the "expectation" by the majority of humans is that you act like a normal person and go without whining about your kids endlessly but clearly the pointless endless whining is your plan and you've already started.

Your kids aren't going, so get used to it.

You can not go or go, your choice. That's the entire scenario.

Not sure why this nonsense keeps coming up on mumsnet. In other news, water is wet.

OP, I think you have no option other than to tell your DSis that the 3 day arrangement simply des not work for you and is impossible from a childcare pov.

Apart from anything else you might still be doing some breastfeeding at 6m.

Have a think about your own options - leave the children with Inlaws / other family just for the day and go for the day with your DH, or leave children with DH and go alone, maybe staying one night, and then present your preferred option to your DSis calmly and factually.

I would not have left my 6m overnight at that age - it was 9m before I did that, and I hated it. But I know people with very close ILs / grandparents do this regularly - up to you and dependent on circumstances.

I would also tell her that under the circumstances you think you cannot really fulfill MoH role in full so you understand if she wants to appoint someone else.

If the conversation strays do feel free to tell her that you understand it's her day and she has chosen the fabulous Michelin starred child free venue but that personally you cannot hep but feel hurt that she doesn't really consider her nieces / nephews to be family enough to have thought about venue.

Yes, I think that's why people are being so critical of the sister. It's too much to expect, really.

Oh, that's even worse! She can't expect her sister to leave her kids at home, hours away, for 3 days, with no family to take care of them! 😡

It means her only option is for her to go alone, without her husband. Nope. Wouldn't do it. 🤷‍♀️

Yes, that's a new development. I just can't imagine the mindset to do that!

Same. Ditto brides telling guests what to wear.

It's been said a few times, but maybe you've missed it: they have been booked into a child free hotel by the sister.

Does your Dsis know you are pregnant yet OP?

There's no way I'd leave my little ones for 3 days with non-family!

Your sister is perfectly entitled to have a child-free wedding but she can't expect you to spend 3 days & nights indulging that, at the expense of your babies.

I'd go to the actual wedding ceremony & reception & that would be it! If that's not acceptable to her, then I wouldn't be going at all!

Could you bring your kids to the hotel with you, arrange for a sitter during the day/evening & then you & your husband take it in turns to nip back to check in on them? That would be the only way I'd even consider going, if it were me.

It's a real shame that your mum & sister can't see how difficult the situation is for you.

It's not dramatic, it's all there in the OP's posts.

• The wedding is from Friday to Sunday.
• The OP's sister and her mother are both expecting the OP and her husband to go for the whole thing and find a babysitter.
• It's not just a child free wedding but also a child free hotel, so she can't get a babysitter to stay in the room with her children whilst she and her husband are at the wedding.
• The OP and her husband are expected to stay at the hotel, which has been pre-booked for them.

How many options do you think the OP has, exactly?

I think it's extremely unlikely that she could find a babysitter willing to take a baby and a toddler from Friday to Sunday, which means doing what her sister wants is probably impossible.

So the only options she has are different ways of pissing her sister off. If she only goes for part of the time, her sister will be pissed off. If she goes without her husband, her sister will be pissed off (and her 6 month old baby will probably be very upset). If she doesn't stay at the hotel, her sister will be pissed off.

So not pissing off her sister isn't a sensible objective at this point. The only question is how much effort it is reasonable to make in order for her sister to be less pissed off.

They can say this, but you can also say no!

It wouldn’t be unreasonable at all for you not to go.

Or, alternatively, if you’d like to do this, it would be reasonable to go on your own, leaving your children with their other parent.

My brother got married in Portugal (SIL is Portuguese) when DS was 5 months and we couldn’t make it work for our family of 4 to all go - I went with DD (then 5) and exh (H at the time) stayed with DS. Taking a 5 month old and all their paraphernalia for three nights just seemed too much! He was mixed fed though.

Yes, I think so. The day may not be perfect, but having the whole family there, including children, just makes it complete. I've never known children to "ruin" a wedding, but as you say, some people are looking for Instagram perfection maybe?.

I'm the same, I hate this "we're doing you a favour!" vibe, whether it's childfree, abroad or whatever.

Or maybe weddings have become overly polished and aiming for 'perfection'. Families are never perfect, and its not just the kids who don't behave. I think people need to relax a bit, go with the flow, don't try to choreograph everything, and enjoy the memorable bits (which are usually the bits that go wrong!). Accept kids and family and friends for who they are and then everyone can make the most of their day.