Sister's wedding and no children invited

The expectation from my Mum and Sister is that me and my husband attend the wedding without our children without complaint and sort and pay for any childcare arrangements that are required.

Well, what they want, cannot be achieved. Just tell them, the sooner the better

I would go to the ceremony and then that’s it. I certainly wouldn’t be doing 3 days

up to you if you stay for the reception so it’s one day and night you are away from your kids

Well frankly, it doesn’t matter if you want to or not. Your responsibility to the care of your children precludes it under the current plans. Unlessshe’s prepared to be more flexible, then you can’t attend really, can you?

You really can't compare her being your MOH (when you both had no children) to your being her MOH (when you do have children, who are being excluded).

If she wants you at her wedding, then she has to allow your children to be there. At least that's what I think. How important are you if she's making it this difficult for you? I'd say not very important at all.

I wouldn't go for the 3 days. I'd go for the wedding day, either by myself or have DP and children join me at the hotel (depending on hotel and area) to stay overnight.

I see it this their choice, their wedding. But I'd not enjoy 3 days away from my 6month old. I'd also not want to miss my sister get married. So it's a compromise that leaves a sour taste.

That is not unusual, it's obviously going to be a 'grown up' wedding and your children will still be very small at the time. Three days is a bit much! The only three day weddings I've come across are with Indian families or similar and they generally do have kids there.

If the wedding is a distance away, could you arrange to rent a small cottage or a flat for a few days and take someone, a reputable nanny-type person, with you to mind the children, Then at least you'd see them while you're away. I do get that it would be hard to be parted from such young children for more than one day and that might solve it, if you can afford it of course.

I think that would put your mind at rest and you'd be able to enjoy the wedding celebrations. It's a one off. Think about it.

You realistically have 3 choices - tell your sister that the no kids arrangement doesn’t work for you and drop out of the wedding , get a member of your husbands family or your husband to stay home with the kids or book two rooms at a hotel near the venue for a friend / in-law and take them with you to have the kids for when you are on wedding duty and you stay there as well . Your sister is entitled to have a child free wedding if she wants and you are entitled to not go or make other arrangements .

When i read opinions like @NightPuffins I remember how differently people can be wired!

"But if they were there they wouldn’t be ‘included’ in the day. They would be present but both too young to participate in any wedding activities. They would be bored, tired, likely disruptive because of being bored. Other people would feel the need to entertain and engage with them instead of just celebrating the wedding in an otherwise adult focused way."

It's absolutely not a given that this woild be the case for a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old. The dichotomy you've set up is extreme and, IMHO a bit patronising to the adults.

We’ve looked at the logistics for your wedding and we just can’t make it work as the 6 month old is far too young to be left alone for that length of time. We’re very sad to miss out on your special day but of course we respect your wishes about the wedding being child free.

I don’t think your sister is being unreasonable in not wanting children there OP - her wedding, her choice.

Having said that, neither are you being unreasonable to tell her, and your wider family that you will be unable to attend. Expecting you to leave a six month old with childcare for three days isn’t on. Is she getting married at a venue ? Is it a hotel ? Is there a possibility of bringing the children and arranging childcare at the hotel ? If not, then the answer from me would be no. It doesn’t matter what their expectation of you is, OP. Your sister has made the rule, and she has to accept that not everyone can comply with it.

Edited to say I’ve just seen your update to say that there are no children allowed at the venue. In that case it’s a no.

The expectation from my Mum and Sister is that me and my husband attend the wedding without our children without complaint and sort and pay for any childcare arrangements that are required.

LOL, no.

And tell her you can't be MoH, for frankly blindingly obvious reasons.

Explain that it won't work for you or your family. Tell them now.

You either attend as a unit, or you and DH attend the ceremony/reception only and will bring the children and childcare with you and they will stay in the room - also you won't be spending the night, so you get around their "no kids" clause.

I wouldn't be attending all 3 days without my DH and DC. That's ridiculous. I'd work out a way to attend the ceremony and reception (babysitter or without DH) but that's it.

I think you need to talk to your sister, calmly. Tell her you love her and would love to be her MOH , but you cannot do this with two young dc. As pp suggested, she’s probably clueless as to what it would mean for you.
The separation, the inevitable worry that you will have ( completely natural), the cost to you or the burden to other people ( guessing she’s thinking your DH family will step in?)

It’s very very selfish of her. If, after you talk to her, it’s still what she wants and there’s no compromise , then you don’t go.

Can’t say your DM is much of a gran though.

What is wrong with people not wanting close children at their wedding? I find it really sad and would be hurt. It’s completely unreasonable to expect you to leave your kids for 3 days

Does your sister have lots of friends with babies and small children, and she's perhaps worried that if she allows yours to come, then she's going to be inundated with 'special case' pleas from her friends? That's the only reason I can think of for excluding her own family's children.

But I'd just go for the actual ceremony. All travel there, you attend the ceremony and then leave them to it and you and your family have a lovely day out somewhere in the vicinity. That way you can't have it held over you that you didn't attend (which might get spun as 'couldn't be bothered to come'), you've shown up for the important bit and for the photos, and then you have a nice day out with your DH and children on the way home.

Would you consider going just for the day?

You can take a travel cot, and don't need all the other things. You sound like you don't want to go though, despite there being options ie go yourself, or tag team from hotel room with husband.

There is no way that I would leave a 6 month old baby for three days to attend a wedding. It's fine to have a child-free wedding, but don't expect people with babies and small children to attend.

I assume that they will throw their toys out of the pram if you decline the invitation?

I wouldn't do that. Either you're close enough that she cares if you're there (kids and all, imho, possibly excluding the ceremony itself, if she's worried they'll be noisy) or you're not close enough that it matters.

I know people say that the bride and groom get to have 'their day' the way they want it, but that doesn't change the fact that what some brides and grooms want is unreasonable and has the potential to damage relationships for years to come. Expecting your own sister or brother to spend a full weekend away from their very young child and infant if they want to attend your wedding is selfish, any way you cut it.

Just go to the wedding yourself? Or have kids in hotel room and tag team with husband? It's annoying but not insurmountable.

Well they can pre-book you into accommodation but you don’t have to take them up on it.

And if it isn’t possible to fulfil MOH duties in a single day then I’d politely decline.

I’m with a pp, I’m astonished your Mum isn’t speaking up for you.

Shes absolutely perfectly entitled to have a child free wedding so long as she realises shes probably going to need a new. MOH

Id tell her now its going to be impossible for you and see if she changes her mind

Does she not want/dislike kids?

It won’t be this. She just won’t have a clue how unreasonable it is to expect someone to leave a 6 month old baby for a weekend, especially if the baby is breastfed. To be fair, before I had kids I wouldn’t have realised what a total ballache it would be for parents.