Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

If I was you, I would be looking for a full time job asap. Once you have a job secured I'd be making it very clear to him that he will be contributing proportionately to the child care and house chores. You will then contribute towards household bills and not his mortgage as you have no claim on his house and then start saving into your own savings account. Currently you are in a very vulnerable position and you are also not getting NI contributions towards state pension in the future.
Once you have a job, if he decides to end the relationship at least you will have an income, hopefully some savings and can claim CMS from him so you could survive. Currently you'd have no claim on assets, no savings and no income.
Do not have a second child with him, unless he follows through with marriage and you have some safety net

Get a job, ASAP. On the one hand he's not putting you on the deeds because you aren't financially contributing, on the other he wants you to be totally dependent. Get a job, and hide as much money as you can, you will need it when you leave him.

Oh, and obviously, never get pregnant to this man again.

This is not fair. Whatever you do, don't become pregnant again and go back to work as soon as you can, you need your own income. If you are OK where you are currently living, I wouldn't be bothered about moving somewhere bigger if you are not going to be on the deeds/not married.

Please do your best to be independent, this is a horrible situation.

OP - you are right, you are not secure and your relationship is not equal.

You have used your savings to support yourself while undertaking the childcare that enables him to earn his high salary.

In your shoes I would tell him you will not continue t d his childcare for free and you must have security so you will be returning to work, whatever he thinks.

Unless he agrees to marry you.

Actually, I would leave him because he is clearly a controlling misogynist bastard , and I would claim high child maintenance from him, be eligible for Child Benefit and also about to get free nursery hours to make it easier for you to work.

Do not get pregnant again until this is resolved.

Well they should but many don't. That's why I advise young women on this stuff. Berating doesn't help it just makes you feel more powerless but advice and support is invaluable.

YOU STILL NEED TO CLAIM CHILD BENEFIT BUT REFUSE THE PAYMENT

This is REALLY important as when you claim CB, you get NIC contributions assigned to you which you will need when you retire.

DO THIS TODAY!

If you claim CB then refuse the payment he won’t have to pay it back through his NI which I’m sure he’d complain like Hell about.

Yup I have heard of the gender pay gap.

That doesn’t mean that in any given couple the man will out earn the woman.

Assumptions like that perpetuate issues like the gender pay gap.

Always I see on MN that women should get married « for protection » with no consideration that in that particular couple the woman may have more assets and higher wages.

So he wants the benefit of having at stay at home wife without the actual 'wife' part. Op you are in a very vulnerable position, you need to go back to work asap or give him an ultimatum. By 3 years you'll likely have another child and it'll extend to another 3 years then you're juggling term time pick ups and school holidays so you'll be hindered again. Next thing you know you'll be out of the work force 10 years with no pension contributions, no financial security and in a worse position than you are now. Look out for yourself

Also you can claim child benefit but not take the money - this is ESSENTIAL for getting a state pension

I strongly suggest you look start looking for a good nursery or childminder (lists can be long), put your child’s name down and start getting yourself into a position to get a decent job with flexible hours, some WFH and plenty of annual leave: via extra training/online qualifications, cv, voluntary work etc. Do you have supportive family and friends nearby?

Tell your partner he’ll be responsible for half the childcare fees and 50% of drop offs, pick ups, sick days etc.

It’s both parents’ responsibility to look after children. Women shouldn’t be expected to give up their financial security and pensions to be free childcare for men.

If he won’t protect you financially, protect yourself. Don’t pay towards a mortgage of a home (including via unpaid childcare) you have no right to occupy. Don’t have another child with him until you’re in a stronger position.

If he doesn’t want to share equity that was his before he met you, presumably an agreement can be drawn up on that.

Right. But in OP's case her DP asked her to quit work.

Just tell him how it is....you are financially vulnerable as you are not and won't be put on the house deeds, you are not married so for those reasons you absolutely need to go back to work and not have any more children. He knows how to rectify this.

Claim child benefit. This is absolutely vital for your future. He just has to pay it back which is the least he can do.

Then look for a job. Full time work. None of this part time stuff when he does not treat you as a real partner. You can’t afford that.

OP - none of this is the actions of a man who loves you and plans to spend the rest of his life with you.

What you know is he has no intention of you still being his life partner long term, you don’t know how long you’ve got before he decides to dump you, but he definitely doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with you, is actively working on ruining your finances.

If he planned to be still your partner at retirement, he would be encouraging you to claim child benefit then paying it back via tax so that you got your NI contributions for it. He doesn’t care if you get a full state pension when you retire as you won’t be the person he’s living with then.

Step one - sort out going back to work full time. Sort childcare. Then tell him.

The PP I quoted said that the bloke was getting free sex - same for the OP surely??

He's controlling and keeping you tied to him financially. Find a job and get your own place.

You are in a very precarious financial situation and your DH is doing nothing to help you with that.

In your shoes I’d go back to work ft. Put money aside for pension and to save up for a house of your own, even if you do rent it out.

You need to think of yourself as financially single and act accordingly.

If you DH doesn’t want this, he has a choice, he either assists you in being financially independent, such as pays for childcare, supports you going back to work, puts you on the deeds for the house or marries you, or you leave, and change your situation.

Yes exactly, shouldn't parents be modelling positive relationships for their children not schools if a someone throwing you a bit of attention is all it takes how does that show children how they should be negotiating relationships

It may sound old-fashioned but there are very good reasons for doing marriage and children in that order.
Having said that, you are where you are and extremely vulnerable financially. He sounds like a tight-fisted misogynist and I would suggest you start working and begin to put some money aside for the future.

Again, are you mad? You claim them anyway and then he pays them back in tax if necessary. If you don’t do this and then don’t work your state pension and various other benefits are affected if you ever need them. A quick google would have told you this.

Why are you just passively letting this man bamboozle you into being his unpaid slave and childminder? Women up FFS.

When we got married ( after a relationship of many years ) we chose to go very low key .
No guests , just the two witnesses , no big dress or suits . The four of us went for a meal in the evening .
It doesn't have to cost loads of money or a big fuss .

The only thing you can do is try to have one last sensible discussion with him -

cost up the childcare alone that you have saved and a full time employee - point out he also hasn’t given you a pension, national service or holiday - ask him how much money he thinks someone should charge someone else to have a baby on their health, childcare or keep house
It’s not the same AT ALL but just having a baby a quick Google came up with this
https://www.givelegacy.com/resources/surrogacy/#:~:text=The%20average%20cost%20of%20using%20a%20surrogate%20in%20the%20U.S.%20ranges%20from%20$90%2C000–$130%2C000.
so that’s £100 K right their just for the birth
Income for you £35 K if you were working for 3 years £100 K- you’ve lost that effectively by not earning
Childcare for 3 years Google is saying £36K
Housekeeper in the UK full time is £50K etc

so taking out the way he has treated you - you have contributed to the household about £200 K in labour and lost £100 K in lost earnings as you weren’t in a job (his request not to work) . Meanwhile he gains by not paying for someone to surrogate his child and birth them, not paying for a house keeper, or childminder etc so he’s in a win- win situation and you a lose- lose.

You could for example agree that he has a life insurance he leaves to you in the event of his death to raise his child plus the house.
You could agree that he protects the house equity from Before you met eg £100 K but agree the rest is joint - a deed of trust.

From his side - he has everything and I can’t see him agreeing. He might even turn it around and say you have been living rent free and he’s been supporting you whilst you have the baby you wanted and he’s been clobbered supporting an adult and child and it’s draining his resources.

if you split up and he has given you effectively 50% of his house, you could meet someone else or he could die and you meet someone else and marry them and his house could ….. argh a nightmare.

I would try and have one last conversation about how unfair and unequal and unprotected you are and if he genuinely loved you and treated you as an equal but it’s a shit situation and you have no cards to play.

unfortunately I think the reality is :

1. do what he asks and carry on
2. have another baby but ask him to marry you ok first - to protect both children and don’t have a baby without being married
3. Leave and insist on CMS, insist on 50/50 childcare so you can get a job and see a solicitor especially if you have written evidence that he has asked you in writing not to get a job and stay looking after child and home you probably are entitled to nothing though.

This is not an equal partnership and I don’t understand why women do this. In my experience if a man wants a woman to have his baby he takes all the risk etc

My work colleague has just brought a house with her boyfriend - she’s in a good job and getting married August 2026. She’s 40 and wants to get cracking with a baby before they are married. (Huge wedding planned with lots of family coming from abroad etc) He put in all of the deposit £150 K in joint names - she has kept her own flat equity of £150 K in her name only she’s rented it out the rent is paying her mortgage. Meanwhile until they marry he is paying all bills and mortgage telling her to save her money for when she is on maternity leave so she has a buffer for her. The house is in joint names. If the relationship fails she keeps her flat and 1/2 the house.
This is without being married. This seems fair she takes the risk on having a baby they both want. This is their choice and what they have decided as fair right now - this is their fair and others might disagree.

My other friend is again 40 and has already had a baby with her partner. She does not want to marry. She is wealthy and he isn’t. She had £500 K house paid off before she met him. He lives with her and pays for basic bills etc
He earns far less than her. They had no mortgage. They have just brought a house together, about £850 K she has put in all the deposit, she has taken on a mortgage joint with him for £350 K they have one child. He is no way earns what she does they have a deed of trust that if they break up, the house is sold or valued and the first £500 K goes to her and the rest is split 50/50. This is what they have decided is fair. The mortgage is not split 50/50 she pays more. But they decided that was fair. They had an adult conversation but she was only bothered about her prior asset and not what they do as a couple she thinks 50/50 is fair.

Another friend (female) has brought a house with her partner (female) and they have one child each. Friend had 500 K and her partner nothing and brought a £1 million pound house they have a deed of trust to say if the house is sold / relationship breaks up friend gets 75% and her partner 25% provided they have paid off the mortgage 50/50. Her partner wants her to leave the house jointly to both children friend has said no - neither child is biologically the others and has insisted their share goes to their child / difficult conversation and they didn’t agree but they have done it. But again these conversation are had before you move in / buy / have children etc

Apologies for the long response and I am in no way comparing surrogacy to having a baby in a loving equal relationship but it’s difficult to put a physical financial amount on what you have contributed without trying to at least financially explain the risk you have taken to your body etc / - you can’t but the point is still there and it might help him to see the risk you have taken to your health and body without him risking anything from his side.

I am not married and have a child with my partner. I wouldn't marry for financial security only but the difference with me and the OP is that my partner 100% always supports whatever decisions I make i.e. when I go back to work and wanting to be financially secure for myself, always contributes massively to childcare costs so I can work aswell and generally would never screw me over with money because no matter what I am the mother of his children and he loves his kids would never see them going without as a knock on effect of me being in financial difficulty. It's about having the right kind of partner not necessarily about being married to someone.

They don’t need to teach this in school. This information is freely available to anyone. We are in 2025. Women have access to more information, opportunity and choice than ever before. Plenty of women from all backgrounds are able to make good choices. The responsibility lies with you.

Op has now said he is avoiding getting married. So it’s only option 1, then.