Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

This is really important OP, it’s not a boring detail. You you are imperilling your old age.

Many mortgage lenders won’t allow someone to be added to the deeds unless they’re also on the mortgage.

Me neither.
Although I do think Wills/ Death in service etc should be updated so OP isn’t left completely stuck if anything happened

Well he’s hardly old school having kids out of wedlock is he? Nor is he looking after his family. He’s using the OP for free childcare even thought it leaves her financially vulnerable. Zero evidence that he would provide for the OP and kid if things go wrong - the facts suggest the complete opposite.

As for “majority of relationships end bc the woman” where is the evidence for this preposterous claim? It’s completely untrue and until recently before no fault divorce was brought in, the majority of divorces had the wife as petitioner meaning that technically the marriage ended because of the man. Men are more likely than women to be unfaithful and more likely than women to be abusive and those are both major causes of relationship breakdown.

Surely if those family members already own a home, they will need at extra stamp duty as it won't be their primary residence and if there's a mortgage on the property wouldn't they need to be on the mortgage?
Also one of those family members could theoretically ask for their equity out of the house, it could be taken into consideration if they were to need care funded by the local authority, this seems risky.

OP look at it this way- love is not legally binding. Love does not give any financial security. Love quickly becomes meaningless when it’s gone.

All you have at the moment with your partner is love.

So for the sake of your son, and yourself, get some security behind you. If your relationship ends, you have no home in which to house your son (at least) 50% of the time. This could have very significant implications on your ability to parent, even temporarily.

Get a job, get at least 3 months rent and a rental deposit behind you. Your partner is protecting his future- protect yours.

Whilst it is nice he earns more and you get to stay at home if you had a job and you walked away, not only would you be able to claim child benefit, he would have to pay half the nursery fees as well as the child maintenance element and still you could be able to claim any Universal Credit top ups and extras like housing benefit, council tax support etc (Remember child maintenance isn’t counted as part of your income when claiming UC)

It might surprise you that you have quite a decent income yourself. Without the threat of homelessness hanging over your head.

Look on Entitledto website and put in an address for a rental property, look on Rightmove for a rental property that you think hypothetically would be suitable and use the address and rental amount etc to find out what you could be entitled to

Before you do anything though I would get copies of his payslips, mortgage and pension statements, and any savings and investments, property including any particularly valuable items he has including his car. I would if you can get copies of a years worth of energy bills and a few months of the general household bills so he can’t claim he has massive expenses.

this cannot be said often enough

I’ve counselled all of my kids, of both genders, that they never compromise their ‘escape route’. Best case scenario is that they never need to use it.

The strategy is get a property, however put several immediate family members name on the property. That way if they get married later and divorced, the spouse can only claim half of that child’s portion. So, if there are several people as owners they will only be able to claim a small amount, at most 16% if 3 owners are listed as they would only be entitled to half of 33%. In the event of divorce, most lawyers would tell them it’s not worth spending $$ on legal fee’s when looking at such a %. There were a few potential other ‘protection’ scenarios we received as legal advice for the kids but this is the one they have all agreed to go with (important as they are all ‘in it together’).

Any ‘joint’ property with a partner/spouse would be a seperate property that their partner/spouse has contributed to for deposit and mortgage repayments. If people then take time out (either partner/spouse) while children are young then that’s fine as it’s still contributing to the household but that’s not a free pass once kids are older at school. In the event of divorce, split that property accordingly.

“He sounds like an old school man who wants to care for his family and even if things went bad he would ensure you and the child is cared for.”

Except he’s only paying for the house (100% his) and bills, op is having to use her savings if she ever needs new clothes or a coffee with a friend because he doesn’t give her any money despite insisting she doesn’t work. He won’t change his life insurance or will to make sure she’s looked after. That’s not an old school man caring for his family! Because the only person he’s looking after is himself.

When will women learn… do not have kids before you are married or you have no rights and can be totally screwed over! If you are prepared to have children with a man you need to be sure he will financially support you when you are caring for HIS children - that’s his end of the deal!!

Don't have any more children with him. Go back to work straight away and get him to pay half childcare costs. Financially you really need to consider yourself single in this set up. He clearly does.

Unfortunately as OPs partner doesn't seem to see her as contributing in any way, it's unlikely this would be of any benefit to op. As he is likely to state she has no claim on his house in the event of a break up. So unless he saw her as an equal partner who is contributing in a different way than bringing money into the house he is unlikely to sign a fair agreement.

I agree I'd get yourself back to work and get him contributing 50% childcare costs otherwise say to him you can go it alone then no house no commitment means him being committed by Child matienance costs.

She is caring for THEIR child.

When did this child suddenly become her sole responsibility

Deebee90 You are in for a shock if you ever get divorced and find your sole ownership of your property means nothing.

Get him to get a cohabitation agreement for you both.

Well if the man…

-was under the complete financial control of the woman
-had used up all his savings because she didn’t give him any money even though she’d insisted he didn’t work because he needs to stay at home and look after their child
-was previously told by the woman that they’d get married but now she was refusing marriage

then I’m pretty sure the women of mumsnet would be supportive of him - I would be.

I have already said on my comments somewhere in this thread op is in a vulnerable position

Sorry, didn't see that he wouldn't get married. This is such a dangerous situation for you and your child.

See a family solicitor.

Please don't pay him 1p towards anything to do with the house, not even bills. If he adds why, present him with a bill for you: cost of post birth physio, cost of lower pension, predict how having had a child will impact your financial future and bill him that amount, etc you get my point.

Why do men, or women, not see thr huge financial penalties women face when they have children. He should be putting you on the deeds, even if you only own a percent.

He does not sound like a good man

I’d recommend claiming (and receiving) and letting him pay back through tax.

ETA: let him complain like hell!

He doesn't care about you if anything happened to him his house would go to his parents you are not married if he doesn't want marriage I'd move on he not commited to you especially if he not intrested protecting you with a roof. Do you not have access to his bank account having a child together? And no access is finacial abuse when married but you are not married is he giving you money like its pocket money? Do you have to ask him? Does he want marriage? Doesn't sound committed to you. Some men like to use you like a childcare provider for their child whilst keeping everything from you.

So….talking about/acknowledging the Gender Pay Gap is the reason why we have the Gender Pay Gap and perpetuates it. Got it.

Look he isn’t going to marry you
if you believe that more fool you

you could ask him to put you on the deeds but ring fence his deposit / equity at this point in time in case you split

this way very little risk to him as if you split you will only get a share of any increase of equity from this point on and not 50 percent of what he has earned / put into the house so far

i actually think this is fair to you both.

if he won’t do this then he has 0 intention of ever marrying you / sharing his life with you

Marrying you isn’t a good deal for him as of you divorce then you can walk away with probably 50 -60 percent of what he’s got in house

But the fact that he’s not put you on his life insurance / will really says that he’s not got any real care about you or his kid if he died

This is absolutely rubbish and is incredibly damaging to women. Literally zero benefit to this advice 🫠🫠🫠

Get married now! Wow, that's unbelievable. You have had his child.

Get married.