Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

Oh sorry it's a medical abbreviation for 3 months.

How long is 3/12?

We always planned to get married at some point, but TTC was more urgent due to health issues. So we went ahead and tried, and conceived, while just bf/gf. DH always understood that unless we were married there's no way I'd have reduced my hours or taken a long mat leave. We got married during the pregnancy to ensure we and the baby had those protections. I was fine to reduce to part time after a long mat leave as I knew DH had legal and financial responsibilities towards me. Any woman that gives up work to care for their child while unmarried and legally nothing more than a casual lodger is insane. No sense of self-preservation whatsoever.

You can still claim indeed at the very least you need the pension credits for it and he puts in the tax

Oh god yes. My friend D didn’t marry and had two kids with him. She is a hairdresser he is a banker. He paid for everything. He left her or asked her to move out the day after the youngest turned 18. She didn’t get a penny. She is 50 and renting! He lives in a million pound plus house with his new (non marrried partner) he openly says he won’t marry as he wants to protect house and pension (!)

Oh no, that poor woman. I can see how it happens, women must drift into the situation. I think it’s only as we get older and see so many marriages/relationships break up when the DC get to around 18 that we want to shout to the younger women be careful, don’t put yourself in a vulnerable position.

If you WERE working, how would you both manage childcare? If the answer is anything that involves you PAYING MONEY - whether directly through nursery or indirectly by him having to reduce his hours - then you ARE contributing. You are just doing all that labour for free.

Someone has said this above but I'll echo the sentiment - you have seemingly given up every single aspect of your own financial security in the last few years, to make your family work:

• you do not have your own income
• you have been out of the labour market for x years, which reduces your employability if you wanted/needed to return to work
• I assume with no earnings you're not funding a pension

Do you have your own savings?

I sincerely hope this is not the case but this SCREAMS trad wife horror story - being held financially hostage which results in a complete power imbalance.

If it was me, I'd really try to present the above to him and see if he can see this from your perspective. If he can't, I'd strongly advise against having more children with this man.

The best advice ever is that of never relying on anyone else for your financial security. So not on a partner, or a friend or even a spouse. Wills can be made to leave money to anyone, so even being married does not guarantee getting the house and the pension.

Have your own income, and your own bank account and your own cash savings in your own name. save into your own pension, and if you buy a house with someone, make sure you understand the difference between tenants in common and joint tenants.
Don’t marry if you are better off than him, or if he is rubbish with money.
Dont marry someone who already has kids as that is a nightmare when he pops off and the kids want their inheritance but you actually live in it.

But it may make sense to finally marry when you are both old as saving on Inheritance Tax may work at this point in your life

My friend is 51, her DC are 16 and 13. She just split up with her partner. The house was in his name. She is entitled to nothing as they weren't legally married. She doesn't get any money at all. Her career completely stalled when she had the kids. (Although she did at least continue to work part-time but very badly paid/ junior roles) She is stuffed. She cannot even afford to rent a flat in her neighbourhood where all her friends and her kids lives are.

Get back to work, OP.

You may not gain anything finical from it but as you aren't working at all you need to claim it and let him pay it back. Otherwise you will lose out on your National insurance credits. Years out of the workplace can seriously effect your pension entitlement.

If he won't let you work or claim the he's being fincialy abusive. I would not have any more children with him unless he marries you. You've been left in a very vulnerable persition, does he give you any money to help raise his child or are you paying for all clothing etc?

Sadly he won't get married as if he wanted to be would have them

This is something you need to discuss before you had a baby. Id plan your own financial future as if you on your own. Totally understand why he doesn't want you on the deeds he bought the house prior to you and he paying for it. I totally understand why you want to be on the deeds as financially you in a very difficult situation. You either need to get married or get a job asap. It's very rare for someone with one child not to work until 3.

Not many choices here, you need to get a job ASAP or get married.

I assume the co-owners will be siblings rather than older family members? Because these part shares of houses will have to be declared on a social care financial assessment to determine care home fees, will form part of that person's estate, and may incur inheritance tax, and will have capital gains tax liability and possibly higher stamp duty liability.

If the part-owner goes bankrupt the house is at risk.

However if the siblings will all own a share of each other's houses then they've not actually reduced their assets on paper and all the houses will be looked at in a divorce?

It's a lot of risk.

I agree that it is a ridiculous strategy which hugely overcomplicates things. I mean, families are often very complex, so what could possibly go wrong!?

DH and I are jointly on the deeds of all properties we own. I wouldn't want other family members involved. Far too much hassle and far to much potential for problems.

Deeds of Trust and covenants can be used to protect shares in a property. A decent solicitor would draw one up pretty quickly.

Agree. It's a stupid strategy. For a start, it will massively ramp up fees if they were to divorce. Family members who are legal co-owners can also be joined as parties to the financial proceedings and the court can make a declaration as to what they think their true amount of ownership is (which doesn't always correspond to what is on the legal documents). So it doesn't necessarily protect anyway and massively complicates things.

Sure, Jan.

She can remind him of whatever she likes, he can still kick her out at a moments notice. Upsetting the status quo without a plan in place is not a good idea.

This is exactly why women are advised NOT to have a child and give up work to care for them without being married first. It's to do with legal protections.

FWIW I wouldn't put any partner, particularly one who wasn't working, on the deeds of the house I bought before I met them. Why should I? But then I wouldn't have expected to have a child with them either. Who was the driving force behind having a baby? You or him?

In your position I'd be looking at going back to work full time and splitting the child care costs with him. I'd also be looking at putting savings together to buy or rent my own place and move out.

As PP has said, you must claim child benefit to get your National insurance contributions paid whilst you are a SAHP. I am reiterating as I have been really burnt by this. I mistakenly cancelled my child benefit and now have missed NI contributions which will affect my state pension in the future if I don’t make voluntary contributions. Claim it and then your partner declares it in his tax return pays it back through his tax. It’s a cumbersome system but it’s the only way to do it.

but he might be more likely to than putting her on the deeds. I did the same with my partner because I didn’t want him on mine.

Absolutely, OP is very exposed here.

I'm sorry but you need to wake up.

He feels, he wants, he'd like [or you're on the receiving end of an "atmosphere"]. What do you want other than your name on the deeds of the house. He has no intention of doing this and this is why he is dragging his feet about getting married too and possibly with encouragement from his parents.

Get a nursery place and a job. Make sure half the nursery bill is put straight at his door along with half of pick ups and drop offs.
Get some decent birth control and don't even contemplate more children with him until your relationship is not borderline abusive, you have more confidence in yourself and you are respected by your partner.
Claim child benefit, he can sort out the tax implications. It's not difficult.

If there is any issue with this, you need to plan to leave.

I voted YANBU because I can see why you'd feel insecure in this position and it's not a nice way for him to treat the person he is supposedly intending to spend his life with and should see as a team mate.

BUT if he brought a lot of assets into the relationship I can see why he'd want to protect that in some way.

Not updating his Will and life assurance sounds strange, who has he nominated to receive his assurance and who is named in his Will? If it's your child, then I can see some sense though it could make life very difficult for you in the interim.

The only way out of this is to secure your own financial position. Either to get married so you are legally protected (though that still won't cover you for all the missed earnings unless he is super rich and can pay you lifelong maintenance) or return to work and build up your own assets. The latter being my preference. He doesn't get to tell you that you can't/ shouldn't work whilst also denying you any financial protection.

Sounds like he wants the benefits of a SAHM but doesn't actually want to pay for it

You need to stop doing what he wants and start doing what makes sense for you. He's holding all the cards, OP. Get back to work and make some plans.