Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

Love how it's looking after "his child" when you've put yourself in a vulnerable financial position but "my child" when it comes to everything else.

Go to work OP, he wants you not working and not on the mortgage so he has control over you.

When you left work, that's when you should have talked about finances and the mortgage.

How would he stop her?

@EllasNonny I agree. I advise my DD that she should marry BEFORE having DC, unless she is confident she’ll be constantly financially independent while pregnant and raising children. And don’t have DC with someone isn’t committed enough to marry you. Marriage isn’t just about a nice wedding.

He doesn't want you to go back to work but in order to do so you're supporting yourself by burning through your savings. So, he wants you to be financially vulnerable? That's very concerning. You NEED to go back to work and he needs to be contributing to the cost of the childcare or staying home himself. The house deeds are the least of your problems.

I find it so depressing that the desire to have kids seems to trump any logic when it comes to making sure their other parent is actually a decent person.

As said, it might be hard to put your name on the deeds of a new property if a mortgage is required as they'll look at both incomes.

If he's genuinely happy and loves you, then it's not unreasonable to have paperwork in place to make sure you and your joint son are secure in the event of anything happening, ie a Will passing the property to you. Do you want to marry him at some point? If so, will he commit to that?

I'm lucky to be married, but every financial decision DH makes he tells me about and what the position will be on death and what I'm entitled to, ie I'm at the forefront of his considerations. I don't have to ask, put any pressure on.

I think a lot of it is the desire to have kids. It’s so strong in a lot of women. That’s why you see so many threads where a women is going to keep a pregnancy even when the Dad to be is clearly a total waste of space. Sometimes it’s impossible to predict a guy is going to change into an unsuitable dad/life partner but sometimes it’s glaringly obvious but the baby blinkers mean some women refuse to see it.

Oh also it doesn’t matter what he wants, be clear you will be working full time. If he doesn’t like it, he can become the SAHP. But he can’t think it’s reasonable you have no money, and no claim on his money and are unable to fix that so if he dumps you, you will be in poverty. If he does feel it’s reasonable for you to be facing poverty if you split up, then he doesn’t love you and you really need an exit plan. Which needs a way of putting food on the table.

Fair enough but would you then insist they don't work to bring up your (joint) child? Would you be in a seemingly marriage-like relationship and not leave your assets to your partner/child in the event of your death? I don't think you should have children under these conditions. Live with some one? Fine. Children, no.

The OP shouldn't also be using all her savings to support herself. They could buy as tenants in common where the partner owns a slightly bigger proportion of the house to protect his original investment but to leave his partner/child in such a precarious situation is unconscionable.

Honestly OP this sounds abusive. You keep talking about what he wants, about the 'atmosphere' he creates... all of that reeks of coercive control. You've effectively subsidised him by using your savings. Red flags all over. Either you are able to have a frank talk now laying out the options for you and highlighting that the situation is just unacceptable for you- or you feel you can't because he will kick off, in which case this IS abuse and you need to phone Women's Aid and make a plan on how to get out before you're even more stuck.

Can I just add another point of view?

I mean, you should have been married before the child, that's more than obvious, he doesn't have any incentive to do so now.
What that makes him is another thing.

I never wanted kids and was quite secure before
I met my husband (20 years ago).
He's got significant wealth, property portfolio, inheritance etc. It took him nine years to agree to marriage (no prenuptials etc) and 18 years (!) to transfer his wealth into both ownerships.
I was never "trapped", though, he pays into my pension etc.
I understood why he felt the way he did.

OP, unless you manage to secure your position, don't agree to anymore kids.
Please stop thinking "romance" and start thinking
"practical bits for me".
💝

People telling OP to "go back to work" and "buy your own property" are being naive. It's really not that straightforward. Men who are financially controlling can make it very difficult for their partners to work if they choose to.

Realistically, how will OP go back to work if her DP won't agree to pay for Nursery or a childminder? She says she has already used up almost all of her savings, she has said he doesn't give her money, just pays for bills and food shopping. She's put herself in a situation where she's financially completely dependent on him, which means that it will now be difficult for her to go back to work without some degree of co-operation from him.

We don't know what OP's professional background is, but I imagine she would need to be working FT in a very well paid job to be able to cover the cost of Nursery fees on her own and save up enough money to buy her own property, or even rent somewhere in the event she wants to LTB.

OP, this man is not your partner. He doesn't see you as a team. He doesn't even give enough of a shit about you to make sure you would be taken care of in the event of his death. He is more concerned about protecting 'his' money.

He could ask you to leave his home at any point and you would have no choice but to go. Nowhere to live, no income and no rights to any of the money that you've facilitated him earning by looking after his child.

If he died or became too ill to work you would also be screwed.

Do you have any family who would be in a position to support with childcare if you went back to work, OP? Just until you actually start earning and are in a position to pay childcare fees, assuming you would be able to earn enough to cover them. If you do have supportive family then now would be a good time to confide in them about the position you've found yourself in and the fact that things are "rocky" in your relationship.

Whatever you do, for God's sake don't have another child with this man.

She does need to leave, yes.

Why do you keep leaving out that he's pressuring her into not working, won't include her in his will or life insurance policies and despite his 'good wage' doesn't provide enough to stop OP from having to use her savings?

Ok you need to talk to him properly and try to make him see your position.

As you aren’t married and he won’t give you any security beyond the money he gives you each month, you have to go back to work. He might not like it, but if you split up, you are facing being homeless and unable to support your dc. If he wants full security of his money then he must understand this is the only option.

He might not want his dc in nursery, so ok he can make alternative arrangements, but while you aren’t married and have no claim on any of his assets, does he not see it’s not possible for you to be a SAHM. The fact he wants to peotect his assets from you, tells you he sees you two breaking up at some point, and so you also have to work on the same assumption as him.

That you’ll contribute towards the bills but not the mortgage or any upkeep of the house, as that’s his asset. Childcare is a split cost, as dd is equally his responsibility.

Choices have positive and negative consequences- the positive for him is he gets to protect his assets, the negative is you need to build your own security so he can’t insist on you being at home.

(these men never suggest dropping a day from work to be at home with their dc themselves, they never say they’ll pay the difference to have a nanny not use a nursery. They always just want you vulnerable.)

“she’s chosen not to work” - did you miss the part where he won’t allow her to work?

Can you explain why it’s ok for him to expect the mother of his child to stay at home and raise his child for three years, refusing to “let her” work and providing nothing to her except a place to live (for as long as he chooses). Meanwhile she has no money for herself so her savings have dwindled, no pension and no assets because she’s not allowed to contribute anything other than (24/7) unpaid labour.

Why would he? This comes up time and time again on MN. Marriage is not just a piece of paper and your financial position is precarious at best, unmarried and a SAHP. He could make you and DC homeless tomorrow and you'd have the same rights as a lodger.
Go back to work full-time yesterday. He does not have your best interests at heart. I think it's time we educate our DC on this matter.

The OP has said the relationship is rocky. I don’t believe a single person would advise the guy to put the OP on the deeds in these circumstances. He would be stupid to do that. The OP chose to have a baby with him and she’s chosen not to work. If he’s abusive then she needs to leave.

Or if you out earn and have more assets.

Very sexist to assume the woman has worse career, worse pension, less savings and less financial stability overall.

The fact that he refuses to update his will says it all really
he would prefer someone else - his mum dad sister anyone but you and his own flesh and blood inheriting from him if he died

he’s told you exactly where you and your baby stand as far as he is concerned

you would be an idiot if you didn’t listen to this and take action

he likes you at home as his unpaid bang maid
as you make his life easier

For guilt tripping OP out of working, or for providing so poorly from his good wage that she's ended up using her own savings? This prince has done quite a few things here, so it's important to be clear what it is we approve of.

If you get married it’s a shared asset anyway.

I voted YABU because I can’t believe you voluntarily put yourself in to such a financially vulnerable position. You are not equals in this relationship; he dictates your work situation and you do as he requests just to keep the peace.

You need to regain your independence and have some direct conversations about how you both see the next 3-5 years panning out. Sadly I think you may need to build up a fund ready for if your relationship ends and how you will manage as a single parent.

I don't blame him.

Go back to work
save everything you can
get out

a “bit rocky” with a dash of no commitment on his side and something like financial control - because as soon as you don’t work you are trapped